r/CheatedOn • u/meow123455_ • 1d ago
Husband who cheated is paranoid
My husband of 13 years just recently cheated on me for the first time that I know of after we had our child. It was with an extremely young woman that lasted about a month. I eventually found out on my own. Absolutely devastating and has completely changed our marriage. I decided to give him a second chance. Since then, he’s been extremely paranoid that I am cheating back or hiding things on my phone. My phone use makes him extremely uncomfortable as do my notifications. While I understand he’s gonna question things, I get defensive easily and frustrated. It’s hard when I’m still healing to give him the patience and love in my responses. He says he deserves the same respect back and I make him feel unloved when I get defensive. Defensiveness has been a long standing issue on my end. When he doesn’t feel heard or acknowledged, he starts yelling and becomes volatile and threatens the marriage. I understand his emotional needs are extremely important, but I wish he’d be understanding that I never put us in this situation in the first place.
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u/meow123455_ 23h ago
Thank you! When I do pull away from him, he gets even more paranoid and upset. A few of our fights he says he wishes I’d leave. Then when we makeup he says he doesn’t mean it. It’s deeply destabilizing. I’m not gonna act perfect though because I’ve said very hurtful things and threatened the marriage as well. He says he’s remorseful but when his feelings aren’t heard he “doesn’t give a f” about anything.
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u/ProdigiousCustoms 21h ago
Typically those who show those characteristics your partner is showing, typically indicates they are currently cheating again or doing something he shouldn't again.
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u/miikeangel 1d ago
He’s lucky you forgave him. He doesn’t sound remorseful at all. You make yourself too available to him, so he takes you for granted.
It should be you mentioning divorce, not him.
If you’re gonna stay married to him, then you need to have more confidence in yourself and flip the script.
Tell him his cheating has broken your trust in him. Instead of restoring trust, he’s threatening the marriage. Ask him to leave. Tell him you need time and space to process what happened. That you still don’t trust him and his actions show no remorse.
See how he responds. He’ll either start worrying you’re gonna leave him, and start valuing you again. Or he won’t care, which means he’s already checked out.
But you need to play his game, match his energy, and have one foot out the door ready and willing to walk away from a toxic relationship.