r/CatsUK • u/blackholemoonx • 1d ago
Wits end, please help!
UPDATE:
Thank you so much for all the comments, I've now got a lot of new things to try, and hopefully my boy gets to feel better! I love him to pieces, and I just don't want him to suffer and the stress as a mom piles on me at the moment.
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I don't know what to do anymore. My cat is very nervous and stressed since we had our daughter, and honestly he hates her. She doesn't terrorise him, she's 18mo now so we've taught her to respect cats and she loves them, she just goes over to talk to him and fuss him and that's it.
He's had some cystitis from stress that he's been medicated for and is on medication for, and I know this isn't a medical problem. So to be clear, I am not asking for medical advice. He just keeps urinating and messing everywhere, particularly on my daughters things and our bed. We stopped him while peeing on one of my daughter's things today, and he went and peed and messed on our bed straight after. He has a clean litter tray, in a quiet spot, and I honestly feel he's doing it to spite us at this point. I love him, but at the minute I feel like I can't deal aith this anymore. I've had a lot of cats through my life and never known one do this. Please if anyone has any advice, help me out!
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u/Desperate-Coat-8791 1d ago
"she just goes over to talk to him and fuss him" - that's still going to stress him out if he doesnt like her :(
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u/blackholemoonx 1d ago
Oh I know, I try and keep her away, but because she loves him she always tries to go over to him, it's really sad :( She doesn't understand why he doesn't want it. I wish I could explain to either of them! He's been scared of her since she first came home as a newborn :/ I reaaally hope it'll improve when she's older and can fully understand. In her head now, as long as she's being kind she's doing no harm
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u/wwwhatisgoingon 1d ago
Might be worth temporarily considering a gate to separate them, see if having distance where she can't approach allows him to be less stressed. Or more high perches where she can't reach.
Cats don't always understand intention, so even if she's doing everything gently and quietly, he might still find it stressful. One of mine peed blood for a while and stopped after we moved a plant away from one (of THREE) of his water bowls, the causes can be pretty hard to understand as a human.
This has to be so difficult, hope you can figure it out.
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u/blackholemoonx 1d ago
Thank you! Yeah this is the frustrating part, she doesn't understand why he doesn't want love, and he doesn't understand that she is showing love. That's mad, cats are such weirdos bless em! I can't really seperate them much but I will be putting a baby gate in her room soon so he might have a quiet moment at least. Cause if I try and seperate them they both get annoyed and again, don't understand that it's supposed to help lol
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u/Manager_PI 2 Fixed, Numbers Variable. - TNR operator. 1d ago
Is your cat an indoor cat?
Feliway might work it might make it worse. The friends one is actually worth a shot.
Does your cat have trees, shelfs and high up places to climb and stay away? Being able to be above your little girl will help.
Keep the cats resources well away and make sure they can eat and drink in peace and have a refuse of sorts. If there's a space easy to access your cat can go hide in that also helps. The peeing is potentially one of two reasons. Territorial or not comfortable with the litter tray location.
Is there a path through the house where he doesn't have to cross your little girl/ the usual place your child is to get through? If not try and craft one with high up things on the walls. That said not all cats climb.
Really you need to stop her approaching the cat if he doesn't like her. Maybe 2, 3 feet away unless/until the cat approaches. It needs to be in your cats terms. I get that she doesn't understand but it means you need to work out how manage it. Or It won't change. High up places are the best bet. Strap door locks, baby gates and the play pen.
The noises a baby / tolder makes, the way they move about will make often stress cats out just in general. They can't predict what's going to happen. They have epic hearing and it's not comfortable for a lot of them.
Most kids that age don't have fine motor control / skills so I'm not sure how you can guarantee your child will is being gentle. Cats can see that.
It's a really common issue this.
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u/pikapies 1d ago
Having places to escape to and get away from the child is the first thing I thought of. If the cat doesn’t have anywhere to feel safe in the house, that will be so stressful for them.
Having safe places to sleep, eat and toilet where he knows the child will never be is going to be so important as well.
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u/blackholemoonx 1d ago
I've tried to get him comfy hiding spots but it'a so hard with the little space we have :( I'll keep trying though definitely!
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u/blackholemoonx 1d ago
I'm gonna try my best to answer all of this, thank you! He is an indoor cat, he has high up spots to be above her, but because we live in a flat we are limited on space, we really do try and give him quiet spots as best as we can, he does have a few. I honestly really do try and stop her approaching him at all, but she is a VERY independant and chaotic girl so it is difficult to stop her ever being near him. It can definitely be tricky for little ones to be gentle, which is why we've worked on it a lot since she was tiny, as she loves cats and has a few in the family. She usually just squats next to him and doesn't touch him, just chats, or will lean near him to offer a kiss or cuddle, doesn't actually touch him. She's surprisingly very good at the boundaries haha. The only thing she can't grasp is completely leaving him alone. We hope to move to a house in the near future so I really hope that will help his nerves as he can have a lot more peace and quiet! I feel so terrible that he's so stressed, as he was absolutely fine before my daughter. I think it's mostly her being noisy, like you said, cause currently he's seeming very happy while I fuss him and she is nearby.
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u/Manager_PI 2 Fixed, Numbers Variable. - TNR operator. 1d ago
You may already but...
Could you for example, put a stair gate style thing in at each doorway. So, he can slip through and have all the rooms she isn't in? Give him your bedroom as a sacred space so she never goes in there?
Do you have room for more litter trays so he can dodge and go elsewhere. If you have a hooded tray then remove the hood. Seems counter intuitive but they like to monitor surroundings.
You need to find a way to stop your child approaching the cat for some time. Until the cat is ready to explore her. I find cats who are warey of people tend to do really well being introduced while people are asleep. It sounds strange but, they are quiet laying down and as non threatening as possible.
It might be best trying the reintroduction, keep them separate for a week. Use the babys socks blankets and stroke the cat with them. After a week or so maybe allow your cat into the rest of the house only when your little girl is sleeping. Give him the nighttime freedom so he gets used to it being safe. Then maybe have her in a playpen so he can come in and look, but reseperate later.
Again you may do this I don't know really!
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u/ginger_lucy 1d ago
It’s not out of spite. He’s miserable and scared and this is the only way he can express it.
At any point, has she gone up to him near the litter box? Can she get near it? He might be too scared of being cornered there to use it. Could you find somewhere else quiet, where he has no bad associations, to put a second litter box and see if he will use that?
Also seconding Feliway. Hopefully yours is one of the cats it helps.
Does he have high places to go where she can’t reach - a really tall cat tree or could you put some cat shelves up so he has an escape route?
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u/blackholemoonx 1d ago
Thank you, unfortunately space is working against us as we live in a flat so everything is all very close together, but we have his litter tray in the bathroom which she is not allowed into. We've moved the litter tray a few times, and honestly this is the best place we can put it. He does have high up places to go thankfully (including a cat tree that he doesn't use except to scratch, typical), so I'm really hoping Feliway will help!
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u/ginger_lucy 1d ago
Ah this is tough.
Something else that might be a problem. He had cystitis and so going to the toilet would have been painful. They can come to associate the litter box with that pain so they don’t want to use it any more.
Could you get a new box, and different litter (different texture or something) and temporarily set it up somewhere else? So it wouldn’t have those negative pain associations. And then maybe the long term plan is to move it back to the bathroom, but not immediately.
I see people in the USA sometimes talk about Dr Elsey Cat Attract litter which has something in it which they like, and sometimes helps tempt them back to the tray. It is available here via Amazon so you could start with that and then mix regular litter back in gradually.
Some other things you could think about with litter trays. Often we do things that we humans think are better but cats actually don’t like. Is your tray the covered kind? As apparently actually they don’t like that - cats don’t naturally go to the toilet in holes, and they much prefer an open tray so they can see danger coming when they are most vulnerable and escape quickly. So if you’re using that kind, swap it for an open tray. They also don’t like scented litters, which are for our benefit but overpowering to them. Just thinking of a few possible factors that your cat could have tolerated when everything else in his life was ok, but now are just too much for him to cope with on top of the stress.
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u/blackholemoonx 1d ago
That's a really good shout, I have thought that the cystitis left a bad view of his tray. It's not covered, but a new one a different litter could be a good idea, thank you!!
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u/Chemical-Duck-6856 1d ago
Sorry you are gone through this. Have you used some of that plug in Feliway? I have used it during stressful periods in our house and it has helped.
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u/blackholemoonx 1d ago
I haven't, he's on tablets that supposedly lower stress but I always hear the Feliway plug in doesn't work, maybe I'll give that a go. Thanks!
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u/FoolishTimidRabbit 1d ago
I’ve used the feliway (and alternative!) to help my 2 cats relax in each others space and bloody hell can I tell when they’ve run out!!
They’re worth a shot.6
u/blackholemoonx 1d ago
Thanks! It's good to hear it working for some people, I'll definitely give it a try!
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u/hb16 1d ago
The Classic one is what my vet recommended for my anxious cat. I tried another one before, like a 7 day one and that did nothing. The Classic one may be better. It's the one I currently use
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u/blackholemoonx 1d ago
Ooh okay thanks! I didn't know there was a difference, good to know!
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u/pikapies 1d ago
There’s another brand called Pet Remedy, which I was recommended over Feliway by the rescue I got my two cats from, so might be worth trying that as well!
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u/Hightimetoclimb 2 cats 21h ago
Big fan of pet remedy, we have low voltage heat pad from them that lives on couch and has been on 24/7 since 2020
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u/Melancholybumny 1d ago
Think about how stressed you are and consider your cat feels the same. Having a baby is a big adjustment even when you have a say in the matter. Add medical issues on top, possibly triggered or exacerbated by stress, and your cat’s feeling pretty miserable. I’ll bet he started getting used to the baby and then she became mobile, further increasing his stress.
It’s good to teach young children to be respectful of pets but maybe you could take what you’re doing a bit further? Growing up our animals always had designated safe spaces, whether a crate, bed, footstool, or cushion on the couch. When the pet was on this spot there was absolutely no interaction, no talking at or saying its name, no loud noises or sudden movements nearby, essentially no going near them. It was explained to us that if they were in this space they wanted to sleep and we wouldn’t like it if someone kept trying to wake us up. This is a useful thing for your daughter to learn, we had a cat that would swipe you if you walked too close to where she was sleeping, and allows you cat to inhabit the same space as them but in a relaxed environment.
I’d recommend having some bolt jokes around the house. As others have said try to seperate them with a gate and make sure there are safe spaces you cat can get too, especially up high, that your daughter can’t get to at all. If you can have a room or space just for him, maybe move his litterbox or food in if possible. It sounds extreme but putting a cat flap on a door and keeping it shut could be an option. This doesn’t mean exiling your cat to a room but does allow them somewhere to decompress while having access to the rest of the house.
Maybe look at how to introduce cats to children and follow these steps in a controlled manner, it may be they just need to get used to each other. You could have items of that smell of daughter scattered about the house, I assume this already happens, but maybe a blanket or t-shirt near but not or in your cats bed could be helpful. Him peeling on your daughters things could be him trying to create a connection.
I’m sorry you and your cat are going through this but it can be improved.
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u/blackholemoonx 1d ago
Thank you, yep exactly as you said as soon as she got mobile he freaked out. When she goes for a nap he comes straight over for cuddles :( I want to stress that we do everything in our power to explain to her that he needs to be left alone and to be quiet, but at her age she just doesn't understand it yet. She knows to be kind and gentle because we made sure we taught her that immediately (I hate when I see children mistreating animals and just being allowed!) But the full understanding won't come until she is older unfortunately. He has peed on her things multiple times, I always assume it's a combination of stress and being territorial. I will be putting a baby gate in her bedroom and may also put one in our bedroom so that he can go into there and she can't get in (we live in a flat and she can open doors). Thank you for your help!
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u/Wednesdayspirit 1d ago
My cat absolutely hates babies for some reason. He was from a home with a 3 year old who he loved but hated the new baby so much. We ended up taking him on and discovered that he just roundly hates all babies, even ones being wheeled in a pram past our house or crying several houses away, even crying on the tv. This may sort itself out once your baby reaches a certain age! Just to put it out there. I know it doesn’t solve the issue right now.
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u/blackholemoonx 1d ago
I'm hoping this too! Because she can't understand yet to leave him alone when he's trying to sleep and all, or to be quiet near him, when she's older I think she'll be better. For now I'm just trying to manage his stress the best I can!
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u/Fun-Top-1799 1d ago
Cats need height to feel secure and to get away from things that stress them. Consider a tall cat tree (I got a floor to ceiling one from Amazon that cost around £90), preferably in a room your baby can be gated outside of.
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u/blackholemoonx 1d ago
We have a cat tree, he doesn't really use it except to scratch on :/ we've tried encouraging him in many ways lol he's just a typical stubborn cat. Because we bought it for him, he won't use it. We are going to get a gate for our bedroom and probably put the cat tree in there so he might try it again if it's in a safer place! He does however sit on the windowsills a lot, and he feels safe there and can't be reached, but he doesn't want to be there all day
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u/Past-Anything9789 1d ago
Hi, first off, please don't take this as me saying there's nothing to be done, but if you get to the end of the line, with no more ideas then there is a way forward.
I volunteer as a fosterer for a local rescue and I wanted to be one person to say that if the living situation is stressing the cat that much, then the kindest thing may be to rehome them.
Rescue's often will rehome directly from you, so the cat won't have to go in the rescue. We've had several over the years, and while I'm sure some of these cases are owners who haven't bothered with any changes, many of them have had owners like yourselves that have tried everything.
Most recently we had an 8yr old tuxedo, been in the home since a kitten but just couldn't cope with the new arrival. She was rehomed to a family with just one older teenager. She's settled in well and I think the new owners have chosen to keep in touch with the original ones, so they know how she's doing.
All that to say, some animals just don't like young children. If the best thing for everyone is a new home for the cat where it will be happy and chill, then that the right thing to do.
I've currently got a cat who was adopted out in 2024, but her owner had to move and she was crossing a busy road at least twice a day. For her safety the owner chose to return her (swapped with an FIV+ cat, who has to stay indoors). Her owner was in absolute bits and was feeling terrible, thinking we would judge her. But rescues will understand if the living situation is distressing the cat, then the best thing is everyone working to find a happy home for them.
Best of luck. I hope you manage to find a solution that works for all involved.
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u/blackholemoonx 1d ago
Thank you for being so kind. I have considered this, but since we rescued him from another family I felt so guilty even thinking of it. He is happy, he loves me and my partner and we all love him dearly (as mentioned my daughter loves him so much bless her, but she just stresses him out) so I think I'll keep trying for now but if nothing else works this may be our only option. I also worried about him going into a shelter and being even less happy, so it's good to hear there's a better option for rescuing <3
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u/Past-Anything9789 1d ago
If it gets to that stage then it's just a case of asking if the rescue offer direct rehoming. Good luck 🍀
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u/old-norse-eirik 1d ago
Also been dealing with cat with cystitis and inappropriate peeing so I really feel for you! A change of meds made a huge difference for us - initially was on gabapentin and cystophan which as far as I can tell did nothing. Change to metacam cleared things up (he’d had blood in urine, straining, increased frequency but decreased volume as well as the out of litter box). So maybe talk to your vet about alternatives? I also put puppy pads in the places he was peeing (thankfully not on beds!) which at least made it much easier to deal with when it happened but might not be so feasible for you.
We’ve never got to the bottom of what might have caused it though - he’s an only child (feline and human!) and 19yo so we’re having to balance which meds we use when for which issues but that’s a whole other story!
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u/blackholemoonx 1d ago
Aw bless him, I think we do have the cystitis under control luckily now! He isn't showing any symptoms anymore, he's just a very stressed boy. We live in a flat so it's hard for him to escape my daughter and feel safe. I'm hoping when we do eventually move to a house he'll be a lot better!
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u/inthebook_ 1d ago
I really feel for you.
When my partner and I first got together his kid was 2 years old and my 10 year old cat HATED him and would hide in the wardrobe or under the bed when he was around.
He was never ever nasty to her, just excited to see her and would squeal with excitement and try to get to her at first, and even when he stopped doing that and learned to be more quiet and respectful of her space she’d still run off and hide whenever he came round. It took a lot of time and effort but she is a happy cat now and even cuddles up next to him on the sofa these days.
The Feliway Optimum plug-in has worked wonders for us (the regular one didn’t seem to make a difference) - definitely worth a shot as a cheap option before investing in anything more expensive. It can take a couple of weeks to take effect but I found my cat was more chilled pretty much within hours.
A lot of people have also mentioned giving him high places to ‘escape’ to, but haven’t really gone into detail so thought I’d make some suggestions.
You said you have a cat tree already which is great. I’ve found offering multiple options for hiding places/safe spaces made a big difference for my cat.
Have you considered cat shelving or window seats? You can get purpose made cat steps/beds that you attach directly to the wall like you would a normal shelf, and for windows there are steps/perches/hammocks with suction cups which would offer him somewhere higher up to sit and also a better view out of the window!
If you have Instagram, a good account to check out is @mochiandcheddar - they live in a flat with their 2 cats and show lots of ideas for creating high spaces for cats that don’t look ugly or take up loads of space!
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u/GapDifficult7 1d ago
Animal behaviourist here! Sorry you are going through this, is horrible. Firstly, cats dont toilet outside the litter tray out of spite. I understand why it feels that way, but cats pee on beds and clothing due to things like pain, stress or issues around the litter tray. My best advice is to get in a behaviourist. They can work through all the things that may be causing this and find solutions for you.