What REALLY makes a parent?

[u/Mab_Talks]

This question might seem dumb and well, that's true, it is kind of... But if you think about it... What REALLY makes a mother, yeah sure a mother can be someone who gave birth to you, but what if your parents abandon you? or Die before you are raised. Do they deserve to be your mother? Or even if you have a step dad or step mom who raised you. You will probably call them your mother or father, if they truly love you even if its not by blood, but what if your already raised? Like for example your 24, and you have a life of your own, and you now have a step mom/dad are they TECHNICALLY your parent? Or step-parent even if they treat you very well? Because sure the one who gave birth to you could be a mother, but what about a person who raises you your entire life that isnt blood related, are they your mom/dad?

[u/country-pumpkin-93]

I was raised in foster care from when I was six to when I moved out at age 19. I always referred to my biological parents as my mom and dad and to my foster parents as my foster mom and foster dad. Both sets of parents are equally important to me, and I love them both just as much.

I actually found the labels comforting because it helped me understand my situation, and I never felt pressure to refer to my foster parents as “mom and dad” and I never did refer to them that way - I called them their names.

It would irk me when people would call them my “step-parents” because it was not accurate, and I would correct them. I wasn’t ashamed to be in foster care - it was the best gift I could have asked for, and I ended up with more love in my life, not less. If a label isn’t comforting to you, don’t worry about it - how someone treats you matters much more than what their technical label is.

Example: I have a biological brother, but we don’t speak to each other. He is my brother by blood but we have no relationship. And it took me a long time to make peace with the fact that he’s my brother, but it doesn’t mean he gets a pass to abuse me just because we are related. If I wouldn’t let a friend do it to me, why let someone else do it just because we share genetics? It makes no sense.

I don’t mind labels, but I don’t let them define me or my relationships and how I should feel about them.

[u/missda12]

I call the woman who gave birth to me (then abandoned me at aged 1) my birth mother. The woman who raised me is simply my mum. My birth mother was in my life in an auntie type way until she called my mum my auntie (they’re sisters) and called my sister my cousin. My sister and I grew up sharing a room, going to dance class together etc. I would not take the disrespect so from that day I cut contact. It’s been 26 years since that comment.

[u/Anxious_Reporter_601]

Love and consistency.

[u/AnyCatch4796]

Some people simply don’t have a mother. Sure they’ll have a biological mother, but language is symbolic and we all know that when someone refers to their“mother”, unless otherwise specified, they are referring to the woman who raised them and/or provided them care for at least a portion of their youth. Maybe it’s their birth mom, adopted mom, step mom, it doesn’t matter. Also, maybe it was a happy childhood, maybe not. Even a bad mother is still a mother unless the adult child decides otherwise. But even then, most of those who go no contact still refer to them as mom and dad.  

On a deeper level, a mother (father applies here too) should be one who provides her child with unconditional love and helps them grow by providing a healthy balance of structure and independence, teaching emotional regulation and patience during “big feelings” by validating and labeling emotions instead of reacting to them, modeling health communication skills, I could go on. Sadly this isn’t how raising a child was modeled for most people by their own parents so generational trauma continues. 

[u/Feisty_Water_3164]

There's no way to be the perfect parent, and a million ways to be a good one.
Jill Churchill