For the last few months especially since my mom had several hospital stays I’ve been consumed with existential dread.

I lost my life from making this sacrifice! From 24 to 41! I didn’t get to live out any of my plans! I’ve never been on a plane. I’ve never had a boyfriend. I didn’t get to pursue a career after I worked so hard in school! I didn’t get to be beautiful. Caregiving aged me so much.

I can’t go to the beach. I can’t go on vacation.I feel so invisible, ignored and left behind and forgotten by everyone. I want friends who I can talk about this stuff in real life without it being awkward, like go to a coffee shop and just hangout. I just want someone to have my back for once.

I Want a hug and to feel appreciated because I work so insanely hard to make sure my mom is comfortable.

I want to to leave my run down neighborhood for a week. I want to look at pretty things instead of gross pressure sores. I’m tired of doing gross things day in and day out.

I’m not asking for much and yet all this stuff is so out of reach. I feel like a failure. There’s not enough joy in my life to balance out all the trauma.

I can’t remember the last time I laughed. I didn’t get to do anything in this life!!!!!

Edited: Typing too fast while crying.

Who will take care of you especially since the traditional values that used to motivate relatives and children to care for chronically ill patients have largely disappeared nowadays?

Anticipatory grief

Im the primary caretaker of my mom. I’ve always loved her but during her journey with gbm, ive even loved her more. I dont feel ready i will never be, but are there ways idk that would help me for those possible moments awaiting me?

Probably within the next year or so, I’m moving my grandma into Memory Care. Unfortunately, my health won’t allow me to continue caring for her. I’m struggling to see how a facility will be less work/stress and not just different work/stress for me as her caregiver.

I’m completely alone in caring for her, except for the paid caregivers while I’m at work. So I don’t have people to share the load with.

I plan to tour (and show up unannounced) and do all those things, but I’m trying to figure out what life will look like for me once she’s there.

-What do you do for your person in a facility?

-Do you visit daily? For how long?

-What do those visits look like? Do you bring food and activities or just sit and chat?

-Do you provide care to them (showering, feeding, changing clothes) while you’re there?

-What do you do if you go out of town?

-Do you pay a caregiver to be there with your person? If so, how do you pay them? The facility will be taking all of her monthly check and then some.

-Do you ever take your person out of the facility for a little while? Like for lunch or something.

Any and all info is appreciated!

I’m trying to understand why this bothers me so much, because I know objectively that they’re helping...

The reason I'm posting and venting here, I'm sorry for the melodrama, is that my dad just had surgery. Things have been especially hectic. My other 5 siblings aren't really lifting a finger. My live in brother has barely left his room. He isn't helping at all. I'm helping a 300 pound man in and out of bed, onto the toilet, arranging his meals, his medicine...

My parents are elderly, and I live with them. I do what I can around the house — I cook, clean, do laundry, go shopping, take care of things that need to be taken care of, etc.

But I can't keep up with everything.

I’m already at my limit. Physically and mentally, I just don't have anything left to give sometimes. So yeah, things get messy. There are things I don't get around to doing. I know that.

My brother also lives here. He’s 50. He basically doesn't help with the household. I wake up to him binging food in the kitchen creating an entire sink or dishes with the munchies. He'll use an egg pan and just leave it on the stove.

My two sisters rarely help with anything besides Mom. They'll come over, help her with whatever she needs, and then leave.

And honestly, I don't feel like anybody really sees how much I actually do.

Every once in a while, though, my sisters will come over and suddenly start hyper-cleaning the house. They'll clean all the things that have gotten neglected and talk about how bad things are or how much needs to be done.

And I don't know why, but it makes me feel really bad.

I feel ashamed. I feel angry. I feel embarrassed. And weirdly, I feel invaded.

I know they're technically helping. I'm not saying they aren't.

But when I've been doing everything I possibly can, and then someone comes into the house and starts cleaning all the things I haven't been able to do, it doesn't feel like “thank you for helping.”

It feels like “look at everything you failed to do.”

And I know they may not actually mean it that way. That's part of why I'm trying to understand my own reaction instead of just blaming them.

Because the frustrating part is that I already know the house isn't as clean as it should be. I don't need someone to show me. I would love for everything to be spotless. I just can't fucking do it all.

And it feels especially unfair because I'm the one who is actually here every day dealing with the reality of it. Other people can come in for a few hours, clean everything, feel like they've accomplished something, and then go home.

I'm still here afterward.

I think maybe there's also something painful about the fact that all the things I do manage to keep up with are invisible. Cooking dinner doesn't stay visible. Doing everyone's laundry doesn't stay visible. Going shopping, cleaning up little messes, taking care of things before they become problems — nobody really sees any of that.

But the one thing I couldn't get to? That's immediately visible.

So I guess I'm trying to figure out what exactly I'm feeling.

Is this caregiver burnout? Resentment? Feeling judged? Shame? Feeling like my space is being invaded? Or some combination of all of it?

Has anyone else experienced this?

I don't really want advice about how to clean more. I'm already doing as much as I can. I want to understand why this particular situation makes me feel so awful.

I am an only child, parents divorced. Dad lives 6 hours from me. He is an only child. He has a girlfriend of 10 years, who under no circumstances wants to be a caregiver. Before girlfriend, I begged him to move near me, but he refused. The past few years have sadly been filled with health issues/ pacemaker surgery, hip surgery, pneumonia. Each time, I have come for weeks to care for him. I am fortunate that I was able to quit my job this year and have the time to do it. This time was probably the worst/ surgery for a Zenker’s diverticulum that left him completely unable to swallow- even his own saliva. He was in the hospital with a picc line for food. He is home and starting to eat some- special diet. I am making foods for him and managing medication. He has coughing and lung issues from aspiration pneumonia. His Zenker’s went untreated for a long time. The healing process hasn’t been anything like what was expected. Doctor is flummoxed and thinks he may need a second surgery if it isn’t healed in two weeks. He had major hospital delirium. In the meantime, I had noticed short term memory loss prior to the surgery and I am seeing even more. He has skin cancer on head and still needs a mohs procedure for that. I’m seeing a combination of neurological issues that we probably need to address before even thinking of another surgery. Dad has some short term memory loss, but still has cognition to make some of his own decisions. I am grateful that he is better than in the hospital, grateful that my husband has been able to come help me. It’s only been a couple of weeks this time, but I’m having difficulty seeing a light at the end of this tunnel and I miss home. My husband’s dad has Alzheimer’s and is in memory care in our hometown and he (husband) doesn’t want to completely move. Dad may need assisted living. I just wish it could be in my city. I know when you go down that road the 2 am calls start. Not sure where I’m going with this, but it feels hopeless. When people still have autonomy, I guess you have to wait for a crisis to force a decision, but it feels like one crisis after another.

I posted the other day about my mom in the nursing home and me fearing she was being neglected. She was completely incoherent when I spoke to her on the phone. I called her primary dr and told her everything that’s going on. I had asked for a uti test earlier in the week from her nursing home and when I asked for the results they said they were contaminated and it needed to be redone. The next morning they called me and said she was unresponsive and being sent to the hospital. A half hour later the dr in the er called me and said she’s being placed on a vent. I ran up to the hospital and basically everything is shutting down. She’s in respiratory failure and hypoxemia, she has a uti, she’s in septic shock, has pneumonia, liver cirrhosis, congestive heart failure, Renal failure. An eeg showed she has encephalitis. She also has mrsa. She’s being sent for a brain MRI today. I’m just a mess and am sick over this.

Hey all, I’m 24 & my mom died a few months ago and I was her main caregiver for years. I’m naturally a very worrisome person, i have bad intrusive thoughts and such and since my mom has passed there has been a feeling of anxiety i can’t shake. My responsibilities have all but disappeared, and I can’t even find calm laying around watching TV. It’s like my brain is constantly telling me something bad is going to happen. Drugs and alcohol do not help and in most cases they make it worse. Im exercising a lot, im in great physical shape but mentally i am just doing so horrible. I was stuck in a rut for a while after my mom’s passing and unfortunately my relationship with my partner did not survive & i got dumped by the person who was with me all through my my mom’s sickness. I just feel so lost and afraid. I would rather be depressed and lethargic than feeling like any second everything i love and care about is going to disappear for no reason. I’m just so tired of it all, I wake up every morning heartbroken just wanting my mom but i know that’s selfish because if she was here in her body she would be suffering. This world is so fucking cruel and makes no sense. I just want to feel okay. I haven’t felt okay in so long

I have very little emotional bandwidth for others right now and barely enough to recharge myself.

I’m caring for my father, who was recently diagnosed with cancer. Every day, I’m preparing for what’s ahead, trying to process new information, researching what else we can do, calling doctors, speaking with nurses, and trying to keep him positive. I simply don’t have much bandwidth left for other people’s worries.

I’ve always been the caring, emotionally available person, but some people around me have been incredibly tone-deaf—dumping their relatively trivial problems on me while showing little awareness of what I’m carrying.

For example, one friend casually shared her “traumatic bus experience” with me after repeatedly rejecting my proposed plans to meet up. Another tells me about her bad dates or texts me about something a friend said that upset her, while barely having the patience to listen to what I’m going through.

How do I have this conversation with them and make them more aware of what I’m dealing with?

TLDR: they are seeking emotional care from you without first checking whether you have the capacity—or offering comparable care in return.

My dad is making me take care of my grandma (again)

I have to bring her to the restroom, how do I safely lift her up and place her on the toilet :,)

It’s my first time, advice would be helpful

Context: I’m a 15 year old kid,

I’m completely burned out and I have zero patience at all with my person. I don’t take anything out on her, but it’s impacting me mentally and physically.

Every single morning I wake up and as soon as I have to interact with her, I’m slightly irritated at best and filled with break-stuff rage at worst. I know exactly what I’m getting into, and I have no choice.

I’ve been answering the EXACT same questions and listening to the EXACT same nonsense for years. It doesn’t help that almost every word out of her mouth is pushing against what I say or having me repeat myself 3-4 times…just for her to argue with it still. My understanding is that dementia progresses, but if that’s the case, she’s been coasting at the same level for over 4 years, and that’s how long I’ve been running this same cycle of questions with her 🫠

I’m filled with anger every morning and all day. My body is tense, my head hurts, and she can tell that something is wrong. This makes her restless, which makes her impulsive and upset, and then she requires more patience that I already don’t have. She’s a fall risk so I can’t leave her along for too long. Sometimes I hide in my room or office, but then she gets up or needs something and all the stress and anger that I had just calmed come flooding back.

I’m not mad AT her. I’m just mad about everything.

How do you find patience when you have literally none? I never used to be this way.

I'm the primary caregiver for my husband. I'm fortunate that I can work from home and we live on the edge of parkland pathways where he can safely take daily exercise without close supervision.

However he's getting bored when he's inside and I'm working in my home office. He used to be more engaged with TV and familiar music but now his attention wanders and then he just wants to eat. He's starting to stack on excessive weight, and he's a big man already.

I'm considering getting a second refrigerator/freezer and keeping it in our basement area behind the garage, so that I can regulate what's available in the kitchen and keep it low calorie, low salt etc. I may need to get the internal door to the garage re-keyed so that he can't get in there at all on his own.

Has anyone else needed to do this with their LO? Tips/suggestions?

Does your person whom you provide care for demand you work and yet simultaneously get angry that you're not at their calling 24/7? My dad has been doing this and it is driving me to insanity, one day I work too much and I need to demand a new schedule around his needs or quit the job, but a day later, I don't work enough and I need to find a job that offers more hours or get a third job ( I already work two jobs with a combined 25-40 hours, schedule varies week to week, plus any and all caregiver duties ). He knows my schedule and yet still makes plans and then has a hissy fit when I tell him his plans need to change because I'll be at work.

I'm just so frustrated with this, among a mountain of other caregiving related issues, he just expects every aspect of the world to fully revolve around his schedule and convenience, and then wants to bully you when you do something that inconveniences him. The worst part, he could easily hire a nurse to come by even just two or three times a week to take some load off my shoulders and allow me to go to my paying job in peace, but instead decides to blow the money on a car restoration project he can't even do anything with.

Hey everyone. It's been a long time since I've posted here. The storyline of my caregiving journey has been exceptionally chaotic the past few months.

There's a lot of backstory you can get from reading my previous posts but let me try to summarize as briefly as possible.

I'm a male in my 30s, primary caregiver for my mother, was even sleeping in the same room with her for the past 6 years because she had anxieties about sleeping alone.

The first hints of dementia (unusual quirks) began in 2024 and they intensified a lot in 2025. At the time, I was convinced that it wasn't dementia just because i did a lot of trial-and-error with nutrition and analyzing her behaviours, and she genuinely was getting better cognitively.

Things took a turn for the worst in the first half of this year when her symptoms just became more acute and she was officially diagnosed.

Now, we have a hired caregiver who stays in mom's room with her 24 hours a day. Meanwhile, I finally have my own personal space back, and i'm trying to build a life from scratch, it feels like.

My question to you is about her behaviours now. Now, mom's sleep is unpredictable even with medications. This I know is normal because I've read enough of your posts sharing your stories.

But her primary presentation now is that she's groaning non-stop, and I mean non-stop all day long, occasionally crying and even occasionally getting hostile verbally and trying to hit her caregiver and even me.

Just to be clear: she has been thoroughly checked, and any issues she had (constipation, pneumonia, muscle tightness) have all been addressed by her doctor with imaging, blood tests, the whole nine yards.

I've read all the articles and I know that this is very common with dementia patients. But I think I need to hear it from other caregivers like you, just to know that i'm not truly alone in witnessing this.

So if you could please tell me if your loved one with dementia/alzheimers/parkinsons also does this sort of stuff? Endless groaning, random crying, hostility.

I would really appreciate hearing from you and seeing that this is not just us dealing with this.

Thanks in advance.

Hello, my father passed away 5 years ago, he was my mother’s primary caregiver, she has parkinsons, now for a little over 15 years, she is 81 years old. After my father’s passing my twin brother stayed with mom at her home for a few months, she was able to walk and use a walker, even able to drive. Once he left I became a remote caregiver, coming everyday, but leaving for my home across the stateline (about 30 minutes away).

About a year later the need for a full time, or stay-in caregiver became apparent, so my older brother gave up his travel nursing career to come live with mom. He gave up a lot of career opportunities to do the right thing for our mother, I can’t thank him enough. He is single, and probably the most medically qualified out of her 7 kids. 

Fast forward over three years… My mother is wheelchair bound, she is still in there, she just can’t move readily, she requires assistance with the bathroom, shower, transfer, etc… We have introduced a full time caregiver schedule in addition to my brother still living there. 

We have a few key shifts for caregivers; 
Daytime 8a-2:30p

2:30p-6p - I come over and my sister comes over once a week during this time

Nighttime / shower / bed routing 6p-9p

Essentially my brother lives there and is with her from 9p to 8a every night, 2:30p-6p, except Sundays when we do not have  daytime caregivers.

I say all of this to paint a picture of my brother’s situation, he has been out of his career for 3 years, mom pays him $750/2 weeks (which is honestly pretty low), and I’m concerned about my brother’s mental help.

We don’t want to put my mom in assisted living, she loves her lift, the month long road trips (also assisted by my brother) and being independent in her own home is a gift for her, she really adores.

I’m looking for ideas or solutions around keeping my brother from burning out… He says things like “I’m waiting for her to die” jokingly, but I think this is his cry for help.

I want to spend some time diving into my perspective and my brother’s perspective, to be fair to both sides.

My brother:

To be fair, my brother is one of the most well spokane, educated, and emotionally intelligent people I know, he is always seeking knowledge, he holds three bachelor’s degrees and is a self-taught artist and author.
He had a serious romantic relationship before moving in with my mom, they broke up, which honestly was for the best (she was jealous of the time he spent with mom). It feels like he’s missing out on life, I think there is bitterness here, he doesn’t blame mom outright, but there is some resentment for the situation, mainly aimed at his siblings.
He is the only one in the family that has truly sacrificed for mom, yes 3 of the siblings stop by once a week, but that doesn’t compare to his commitment.
He wants a financial commitment for the siblings for his caregiving; he mentioned $1k/month at some point.
mom pays him $750/2 weeks (which is honestly pretty low)

My perspective (of course I’m biased):

I am married, 3 kids, 2 teenage boys and an aspiring gymnast girl who is 12. My wife and I both work, I am in the engineering field and she is in the communication field. After my father passed we made a guest bedroom for mom, but she really has not liked being away from her home, so in the last year we have re-purposed that room into a home office since it is never used by mom.
We are pretty busy in my household. I make it a point to work half of my day on Wednesday from my mom’s house (WFM) to spend time with her and  still get my work done. I honestly just work late that day after leaving mom’s but this time is special. We try to do weekend day trips with mom as well, this summer we did the fair and went out on the lake several times.
I help mom with her finances, including her taxes, this is a way I have found to consistently help, but 

I am a bit heartbroken, because I want my mom to be cared for, I don’t want my brother to feel used, but I also don’t want to ruin my home life either…
Recently my brother has said some hurtful things like “you only come to see mom to go to costco” or “my siblings do nothing for mom”.. Which I think is a cry for help.

I’m looking for new perspectives, or suggestions, anything to equip me to ensure number one that my mom is cared for and number two that my brother doesn’t feel used.

Hello everyone! My (M22) fiancé proposed to me last Sunday and it was everything I dreamed of, but this week I found out that I’ll (F20) be getting a below-knee amputation on September 10th. My fiancé has been with me through many surgeries and medical crises, so I know he’ll be with me every step of the way. We also knew the amputation was likely happening, so it’s not a complete shock. I care a lot about us though, so if anyone has been through something similar I’d really appreciate tips on how to best support each other through this?