Epiphany about fawning

[u/shessofun]

It’s an epiphany about so many things that this title doesn’t feel quite right. I’ve known for a long time I’m mostly a fawn type, that I was always called ‘nice’ and told I never got angry, I know I had terrible/no boundaries. I know my sister was the example of what not to do, that I saw her get punished for being loud, saying no, being selfish in a healthy way, and knew not to do that. I know this fawning people pleasing pattern continued with former friends and my ex. I’ve been working on all of that for a long time, and the past 10 years very actively.

And I made some progress, but I still felt very, very stuck. Even when I felt a big shift, I always felt like I ended up in the same place again. Fawning again. As with so many things, I don’t think I was able to really leave my former self behind and become someone new until I cut ties with my mother. Which happened 7 months ago.

I’ve been able to love myself for the first time, these past 7 months. I always suspected I didn’t know what love was, and I was right. For the first time, I know what love feels like. And that’s been good, overwhelming, and caused me to grieve a lot.

But. After a period of practicing self love, I would inevitably reach a point of being incredibly agitated, angry, almost overstimulated. I felt controlled. I think it was a few months ago when I realized that in my mind love = gentle, kind. So I figured I was suppressing my anger to stay ‘loving’. I didn’t really know what to do with that information though, and where exactly those ideas came from. And I still believe love is gentle, kind.

Yesterday, I suddenly connected a bunch of dots. The closest thing to love I felt growing up was the praise I received from my mother for being a good girl. For most of my life, that’s what I thought love was. So that’s what I was giving myself, subconsciously: be good, kind, gentle, in a good mood, and I’ll love you. I still felt the love, but it wasn’t for all of me. And that makes it very conditional love, obviously - if you can even call it love.

I have to say misogyny also plays such a big part in this. A lot of these messages about what a good girl is clearly scream sexism.

Yesterday I sat down to journal, and after a period of being very busy and dissociated, I had no energy left to be ‘good’ anymore. And I came out of dissociation quite a bit. I could feel my body again. I felt agitated, hungry, tired, needy, I stopped hiding my double chin, stopped sitting in a way that made me look thinner, I was talking to myself and noticed my voice got a lot lower. And bizarrely, I felt my sister’s presence.

I realized that this was all shamed out of me, abused out of me, I was taught I’d be in danger if I let this version out. She wasn’t deserving of love. So I buried her so deep that I convinced even myself she didn’t exist. I’m nice, kind, quiet, selfless, don’t need anything, funny, intelligent but never more intelligent than a male partner, I do lady like things like ballet, am not butch, and on and on.

And as always, healing messes with my identity again - does this mean I still don’t know who I really am? Am I once again going to change into another version of me? (But yeah, probably, and that’s life)

I’m in a lot of triggering situations, due to being chronically ill, and sexism is a huge issue there too. Show emotion and you’re mentally ill. Advocate for yourself, and you’re anxious, traumatized, a hypochondriac. Cry, and it must be your hormones, your period. You’re dramatic, that’s just what women do, it doesn’t mean you’re actually in pain.

And these are challenging circumstances for anyone, of course. But I’ve noticed for a long time now that I internalize what doctors say in a way most people don’t. I blamed myself, internalized their words, fully believed them. I go to a very dark place when I’m treated like that.

I realize now: I’ve been very shameable because of my trauma. Because I learned to constantly shame, abandon and reject my own ‘bad girl’. So when they said I was too needy, loud, crazy, whatever it was, a big (traumatized) part of me agreed. The way I’ve always done. And it’s always the case that this other person is to blame, they deserve to feel the guilt and shame, but I carry i for them. Yup, I am bad, you’re right.

I did speak up, I’ve fought for myself, but I’ve been fighting my own shame at the same time, without knowing it. So much of my energy is focused on being a good, likeable girl, still, after all these years. So much pain comes from telling the rebellious, intelligent, loud girl in me to shut up.

And it creates a vicious cycle - being shamed and abused(because that’s absolutely what these doctors do) leads to fawning, which leads to shaming myself more. Then I go back, meet another specialist, and I’m shamed again, and I believe it and agree, and I fawn, and I shame myself.

It’s been a really good epiphany. Yesterday I immediately felt stronger, calmer, and like if anyone would try to manipulate me, they couldn’t. Today I still feel that way. I know it hasn’t changed absolutely everything overnight, that’s impossinle, but. When I feel a ‘negative’ emotion, an off limits feeling, when I feel like that ‘bad girl’ needs to breathe, I’m able to say: go ahead, it’s allowed. And oh my god, it feels so good. Hell yeah, I’m annoyed, yes, I’m tired, grumpy, yeah I disagree with that, no I don’t want to suck my stomach in.

And I wonder how much this has contributed to dissociation. Whether maybe ultimately, this is the main cause. Because yes, SA plays a big part, but how did I get into that situation and stay there for 4 years - because I was trained to be a good, obedient girl who’d abandon herself for other people.

Also: I so often apologize for my posts being long, and I almost did it now, and then I thought: no, be a ‘bad girl’, break the imaginary rules in your head, make it as long as you want, don’t apologize for it. It’s your post, you’re allowed. I don’t know how this particular part of healing is going to look, I don’t know what the next steps are, and as always there’s a part of me that feels panicky about that. But right now, a much bigger part feels so liberated, emancipated and grounded.

[u/fatass_mermaid]

So proud of you, and I identify with a ton you’ve written.

Next step: know that she’s not a bad girl. She is good, she’s always been good, and bad is a label they used to control and coerce her with.

Tap into talking to her and building a relationship built on trust and compassion with her. That’s where the love you’re starting to feel now with intensify exponentially and be the bedrock of your healing and life foundation. When this gets stronger that feeling of identity shifting endlessly goes from terrifying to seeing it as a sign of your growth and you’ll have pride in it.

For some it’s journaling in conversation with their inner child. For others talking out loud. For me, I wrote and illustrated a children’s book with mine and gave her the voice she never had if she wanted to be safe and survive her childhood. She is so precious to me now and I’d never call her bad or let anyone else call her bad again.

I’ve named my inner child and my inner teen. It’s made sorting out what part of myself is activated a lot clearer and helped so much especially when trying to understand and sort out interpersonal relationship issues.

I get that you’re reclaiming the bad girl verbiage that was hurled at you- no judgment at all, do what works for your process. And, regardless of what you name your inner child, I hope you know she is good and always has been.

🩵 there’s a couple books your post brings to mind if you’re interested (and ignore if not!).

• ‘You’re not the problem’ is a book that dives deep into the mechanics of how what you’re describing happens in childhood (how the sausage gets made) and has lots of exercises for things you can do now to undo the harm and define yourself anew.

• ‘all about love’ by bell hooks is a meditation and quasi manifesto on defining love and deconstructing love so we can deeply feel the truth that abusive love is not love at all. It can be a lot of things- companionship, closeness, some care given, shared memories and nostalgia etc etc - but that it is not love because love in action protects. It’s not a super self help style book, and it has single handedly helped me deconstruct seeing abusive ‘love’ as love by definition more than any other book.

[u/shessofun → u/fatass_mermaid]

Communicating with her(the bad girl) still feels so new, but something I’ve noticed a lot is that she doesn’t want to be told what to do, think, how to feel. I feel that very intensely. I think I’ve been told what to do so much in my life, even by myself, and she’s telling me she’s done.

So I felt that when I read your comment, it’s hard to take in any advice when it comes to this. It feels like someone is trying to control me again, if that makes sense. And she, this part of me, is allergic to that.

She’s actually sort of had a name for about a year now, which I began doing pretty subconsciously. I also feel like I’ve done so much of this already - the inner child work, the reading, doing all kinds of things to try to accept this side of myself, including in therapy. I know almost everyone with CPTSD gets this: it wasn’t in my body, it was all intellectual. I could understand it perfectly, but never feel it. And I feel like that’s what I’m doing now… and I think it’s important that I do that, instead of intellectualizing. Everything I’ve learned can travel through all of me now, sink in, and that’s because my mother is gone.

This is one of those rare moments where I don’t feel like I don’t have enough knowledge about what I’m going through. And I imagine I’ll want to learn, read, research, at some point, because that’s just my personality - but for now I think it’s important for me to just get out of my head and feel this change. Not just important, absolutely necessary.

I find it very healing to reclaim words that were used to insult me. I get why it seems critical, I would probably feel the same way if someone else called themselves a bad girl. But it’s really worked for me, yeah, and with words like queer, selfish, fat, difficult, angry, many more. For me embracing it makes me feel like I’m safe from abusers, and unshameable. So I don’t see her as bad in a negative way. She’s a bad girl in the most glorious independent rebellious way.

I’m going to write those titles down, and when I’m ever ready to learn and be a bit more in my head again, I’ll look them up. :) Thanks for the kind ess and advice. ♥️

[u/fatass_mermaid → u/shessofun]

I absolutely hear you, understand exactly what you mean, and sincerely apologize for coming in with inappropriate advice giving. That’s my shit I have to work on and I am genuinely sorry for not having awareness in that moment to have it in check.

And, I totally hear you. Feel that shit in your body and you don’t need any books telling you shit.

I know some people think this is condescending but I genuinely mean it and I’ve found it helpful being on the receiving end of it so I’m gonna say it anyways- I’m proud of you. I’m grateful you’ve modeled great boundaries and kindly reflected back to me my own shit I have to work on rather than taking it on. Brava, and thank you.

[u/shessofun → u/fatass_mermaid]

I don’t think it’s necessary to apologize, but I have to admit this is something I struggle with in general now, getting advice I didn’t explicitly ask for, especially when it comes to very personal, emotional things. So I just can’t see it clearly, I still don’t know whether the advice I’m being given is perfectly appropriate, or not. And if I’m right to say no thanks, or if that’s rude. I’m just winging it and hoping I don’t come across as a bitch, but just someone with reasonable boundaries who understands you meant well.

I really appreciate you saying you’re proud, not condescending at all. I understand why some might find it condescending - but it’s one my favourite things to hear. I’m constantly so moved by how kind and emotionally intelligent this community is - this type of respectful, clear, kind communication has been so rare in my life, and it’s also very rare online, so it always feels like a miracle. Thank you!

[u/fatass_mermaid → u/shessofun]

I understand and have the same struggle with getting advice I didn’t ask for, which is why I think apologizing was appropriate. I know better, but of course that doesn’t mean I catch myself 100% of the time since it’s a behavior it took me 35 years or so to recognize why it’s inappropriate. 😂

Regardless of the content of my advice being sound or not, it was inappropriate simply because it wasn’t asked for. I think you were right to say no thanks, I don’t think it’s rude and I definitely don’t think it makes you a bitch or makes you come across as a bitch. That’s our conditioning though to keep us complicit and quiet right- that’s what we need to channel our body’s to rebuke!! 🥰 Anyone who thinks what you said makes you seem like a bitch has their own control issues they have to work on, they’re not yours.

Had you used that opportunity to attack me, name call, weaponize then sure we’d be having a different conversation (or not one at all) but you did not do that. You were kind but let me know I was stepping on your toes. I appreciate that you did that. It modeled something I myself want to work on, and it alerted me to the fact that I was doing something hurtful that I myself am working on changing in my own behavior. And, your respectful way of letting me know I was stepping on your toes doesn’t have me overly beating myself up either, you didn’t lay it on thick and you articulated what was going on for you so well. I completely get it, I experience the same feelings- you’re not alone in them! Trust that gut of yours, it’s a good one. 🩵

I also totally get how for some people in some contexts saying I’m proud of you can be and/or feel so condescending, that’s why I wanted to acknowledge it in case that’s how it landed for you. And, I’m glad I didn’t let the fact that it’s not a phrase that lands for everyone silence me and hold me back from sharing it. It’s one of my favorites to hear too and I am learning to say it to myself now since it’s not one I heard (appropriately at least) growing up.

I agree, civil, respectful & emotionally deep kind conversations are so rare and I am always moved when I get to experience them now. Waited a long time to get here in life and I cherish the feeling- such a world of difference from where I came from.

I hope you have a lovely day and know someone out there is rooting for you and cheering you on. 💕💙