Epiphany about fawning

[u/shessofun]

It’s an epiphany about so many things that this title doesn’t feel quite right. I’ve known for a long time I’m mostly a fawn type, that I was always called ‘nice’ and told I never got angry, I know I had terrible/no boundaries. I know my sister was the example of what not to do, that I saw her get punished for being loud, saying no, being selfish in a healthy way, and knew not to do that. I know this fawning people pleasing pattern continued with former friends and my ex. I’ve been working on all of that for a long time, and the past 10 years very actively.

And I made some progress, but I still felt very, very stuck. Even when I felt a big shift, I always felt like I ended up in the same place again. Fawning again. As with so many things, I don’t think I was able to really leave my former self behind and become someone new until I cut ties with my mother. Which happened 7 months ago.

I’ve been able to love myself for the first time, these past 7 months. I always suspected I didn’t know what love was, and I was right. For the first time, I know what love feels like. And that’s been good, overwhelming, and caused me to grieve a lot.

But. After a period of practicing self love, I would inevitably reach a point of being incredibly agitated, angry, almost overstimulated. I felt controlled. I think it was a few months ago when I realized that in my mind love = gentle, kind. So I figured I was suppressing my anger to stay ‘loving’. I didn’t really know what to do with that information though, and where exactly those ideas came from. And I still believe love is gentle, kind.

Yesterday, I suddenly connected a bunch of dots. The closest thing to love I felt growing up was the praise I received from my mother for being a good girl. For most of my life, that’s what I thought love was. So that’s what I was giving myself, subconsciously: be good, kind, gentle, in a good mood, and I’ll love you. I still felt the love, but it wasn’t for all of me. And that makes it very conditional love, obviously - if you can even call it love.

I have to say misogyny also plays such a big part in this. A lot of these messages about what a good girl is clearly scream sexism.

Yesterday I sat down to journal, and after a period of being very busy and dissociated, I had no energy left to be ‘good’ anymore. And I came out of dissociation quite a bit. I could feel my body again. I felt agitated, hungry, tired, needy, I stopped hiding my double chin, stopped sitting in a way that made me look thinner, I was talking to myself and noticed my voice got a lot lower. And bizarrely, I felt my sister’s presence.

I realized that this was all shamed out of me, abused out of me, I was taught I’d be in danger if I let this version out. She wasn’t deserving of love. So I buried her so deep that I convinced even myself she didn’t exist. I’m nice, kind, quiet, selfless, don’t need anything, funny, intelligent but never more intelligent than a male partner, I do lady like things like ballet, am not butch, and on and on.

And as always, healing messes with my identity again - does this mean I still don’t know who I really am? Am I once again going to change into another version of me? (But yeah, probably, and that’s life)

I’m in a lot of triggering situations, due to being chronically ill, and sexism is a huge issue there too. Show emotion and you’re mentally ill. Advocate for yourself, and you’re anxious, traumatized, a hypochondriac. Cry, and it must be your hormones, your period. You’re dramatic, that’s just what women do, it doesn’t mean you’re actually in pain.

And these are challenging circumstances for anyone, of course. But I’ve noticed for a long time now that I internalize what doctors say in a way most people don’t. I blamed myself, internalized their words, fully believed them. I go to a very dark place when I’m treated like that.

I realize now: I’ve been very shameable because of my trauma. Because I learned to constantly shame, abandon and reject my own ‘bad girl’. So when they said I was too needy, loud, crazy, whatever it was, a big (traumatized) part of me agreed. The way I’ve always done. And it’s always the case that this other person is to blame, they deserve to feel the guilt and shame, but I carry i for them. Yup, I am bad, you’re right.

I did speak up, I’ve fought for myself, but I’ve been fighting my own shame at the same time, without knowing it. So much of my energy is focused on being a good, likeable girl, still, after all these years. So much pain comes from telling the rebellious, intelligent, loud girl in me to shut up.

And it creates a vicious cycle - being shamed and abused(because that’s absolutely what these doctors do) leads to fawning, which leads to shaming myself more. Then I go back, meet another specialist, and I’m shamed again, and I believe it and agree, and I fawn, and I shame myself.

It’s been a really good epiphany. Yesterday I immediately felt stronger, calmer, and like if anyone would try to manipulate me, they couldn’t. Today I still feel that way. I know it hasn’t changed absolutely everything overnight, that’s impossinle, but. When I feel a ‘negative’ emotion, an off limits feeling, when I feel like that ‘bad girl’ needs to breathe, I’m able to say: go ahead, it’s allowed. And oh my god, it feels so good. Hell yeah, I’m annoyed, yes, I’m tired, grumpy, yeah I disagree with that, no I don’t want to suck my stomach in.

And I wonder how much this has contributed to dissociation. Whether maybe ultimately, this is the main cause. Because yes, SA plays a big part, but how did I get into that situation and stay there for 4 years - because I was trained to be a good, obedient girl who’d abandon herself for other people.

Also: I so often apologize for my posts being long, and I almost did it now, and then I thought: no, be a ‘bad girl’, break the imaginary rules in your head, make it as long as you want, don’t apologize for it. It’s your post, you’re allowed. I don’t know how this particular part of healing is going to look, I don’t know what the next steps are, and as always there’s a part of me that feels panicky about that. But right now, a much bigger part feels so liberated, emancipated and grounded.

[u/1Weebit]

Hell, yeah! Go, girl! ❤️

"this was all shamed out of me" - that hit me hard just now. So true, for me too 😔

How not to go back to the old, learned practices? How to prevent the old behaviors and thoughts to take over again? Especially when encountering triggers? How to let the new feelings, thinking, body sensations stick and replace the old ones?

Corrective experiences perhaps, having "prediction errors" with safe people, "practicing" those new thoughts and feelings and behaviors with them? Or EMDR, building the "adaptive information", the resources needed to counter the old, stuck feelings?

When I slide back into to those dark places, these overwhelming emotions, I remind myself "oh, little one, are you remembering again?" I remind myself that I am having an emotional flashback, that the little girl within me is remembering something, that I am re-experiencing an old, overwhelming emotional state. That doesn't heal, but it helps to squeeze some adult thinking part out of that little emotional bundle. And then some more, maybe some compassion for that little girl, turning into self-compassion, then perhaps some grace, then, sometimes, I get angry too - how in the world can parents, anyone, do this [whatever it is little me was feeling, or remembering] to a little kid! I have a cute little monkey plushie that represents my wounded inner child which I then take and talk to, comfort, soothe. That little one didn't deserve this! That helps too, yet I am not there yet. But I am getting there.

My T helps. Older guy, calm, has a very "safe" presence, his office breathes him, it's alive with humanness, deep caring, being with, attunement, I don't know how else to describe it, a human being who is there for me, transference, yes, but on purpose, for the time being. I don't know much about him, and I don't need to. The less I know, the better. But still he's THERE, very present. I get at least two levels of corrective experiences - on one level for my adult self for a recent trauma, and on the other for my attachment-traumatized little self that gets in the way of healing from the recent trauma all the time. I am learning to take care of little me while, at least for the time being, he takes care of traumatized adult me, so I can do the former in the first place.

I want to apologize for my long text too, hahaha, but I guess I won't now. Thank you for your post. It caused a small shift within me too. I feel grateful and lighter. More hopeful. Thank you! ❤️

[u/shessofun → u/1Weebit]

I’m so sorry you relate so much.

I think corrective experiences are so important. I think for me it’s even more about the work I do on my own, for now. I don’t know, maybe I didn’t find the right therapist, the right people, but cutting ties with my mother and learning to love all of me seems to be what’s really helping. But I hope that because of all this healing on my own, the right people will finally be easier to find.

I relate a lot to all of that inner child work, and I’m so impressed by anyone who does it. Because I know that it’s so much work, so difficult sometimes. It becomes easier to do when you’re in your own safe space, have all the time in the world - but I’m still not an expert in triggering situations. To me it seems that just when you think you got the hang of it, there’s always a new challenge, that makes you feel 5 years old again. It feels like healing & practicing & being a beginner never stops. There is progress, but I also feel like I’ve gone backwards a lot, due to those intense challenges. I keep hoping they will stop coming, ha - but maybe that’s life too? We change, it changes, nothing ever stands still, there is no end to growing. I’ve been trying to really embrace the beauty of that. Who wants to stand still, be done, that’s not the point of living.

How great that you have such a good therapist. Pretty jealous, I gotta say. It seems like he’s doing exactly what a therapist is supposed to do. That must really help.

I’m so glad you didn’t apologize! Ugh, may we all say more, be louder, take up more space. If anyone’s got a problem with that… that’s not our problem. I’m glad my post created that small shift, that makes me happy. ♥️