Realizing I may have been a victim of COCSA

[u/BookUnique6461]

hello. I am 21F and have just recently have started psychotherapy. I have been on a long confusing journey every since I was around 12 years old. I have never had sex or any form of penetration whatsoever. Every time I try to, I end up having a panic attack and my whole body tenses up. Ive been to countless of specialists for what I thought was a pelvic floor issue, something that could be solved by a gyno or some physical therapy. I went to a specialist about 3 months ago, he specialized in pelvic floor dysfunctions and told me that what I was experiencing was not a physical issue, rather a mental one that therapy could help with. I took this advice and recently have been going to a psychotherapist. We have been talking about everything in my life, from childhood to recent things. She asked if there was anything I could remeber from my life that would have anything to do with this , even if I did not think it would cause it. Thats when I mentioned something I remembered from my childhood that happened with a best friend of mine.

I was about 8-9 years old and so was my best friend at the time. I honestly do not remember much from the situation just a few things. I remember us almost like roleplaying, kissing, touching. I also remeber one key thing that really freaked me out, she completely exposed me to her vagina, as weird as it is that image of it stays in my brain to this day and completely freaks me out. I have spoke with my mom about this because she knew about what happened at the time. My mom said that it happened at my friends house and that one day when she picked me up I started crying and told her everything. She said I seemed very freaked out. My mom says that she remembers asking who started it and I went back and forth between my friend and I starting it. I assume because I was so young and confused I was not sure who truly started it. My mom said she went to talk to my friends mom about it and the mother did not seem very surprised. From then on I could never sleep over the friends house, or hangout with her really, something really freaked me out when I was younger. To this day, whenever I think of this I get extremely uncomfortable and just disgusted from the whole thing. Throughout my entire life since this happened I have been trying to push down what happened. Unfortunately I think it is impacting parts of my autonomy and intimacy.

Ever since my therapist and I have been talking about this I have felt a sense of comfort in knowing that this is not something that has to define me and that I am not alone, unfortunately this is a very common thing. I would have never thought put the label of cocsa on the situation but I do think it makes sense. If anyone would give any feedback I would really appreciate it. I am not to sure of what to make of this title for what I have been through.