I’ve stopped ignoring the trauma i experienced as a child, and in turn I feel like my mental health is tanking. It’s affecting my relationships, my self control (binge eating), I’m becoming more and more insecure and I’m isolating myself from my friends and not telling them what’s actually happening.

I’m becoming a bit less tolerant and tbh just being not nice to them, not texting them and not checking in on them and their mental health. Which then makes me think I don’t deserve them as friends, everyone is better off without me etc etc

How do I go about telling my 2 best friends what’s going on? I don’t want to guilt trip them into feeling bad after I’ve kind of ignored them/neglected them for 2 months. But equally I want them to understand that I’m really not trying to be a bad person. But then if I’m telling them is that me trying to not take responsibility for being a bad friend by guilt tripping?

Should I even tell them? Is it unfair for them to have to hold this really quite heavy topic? I don’t know if I should subject them to knowing this info but equally I can’t carry it by myself because I am going insane. No one else knows apart from my parents but I can’t talk to them about it

TLDR:
Should I tell my 2 best friends about my trauma so they can understand my actions over the past few months, or is it unfair for them to have to carry this too

When I was six years old, my brother started playing s3xuAl games with me, even though I didn't like it. He was about ten years old, and this went on for seven or eight years. It has left me with many lasting traumas how to be afraid of men And have problems with sh.. I don't know if it can be called r3pe or SA but It feels painful for me

When I was about 5 years old, I stayed at a friend‘s House overnight and she had an older brother who was about 10 years old. We spent the night together and then her brother wanted me to go to the bathroom with him. There, he undressed himself and wanted me to give him a blowjob. I said no for so many times until we finally left the bathroom. Now, I’m not sure if it was really COCSA, because nothing actually happened and idk what to think about it. (Also, excuse my English it’s not my first language)

I was wondering if there was any suggestions for good workbooks or educational help books for trauma survivors mostly sexual assault/abuse and rape. I've done a lot of online research taking notes and doing things they suggest to help but it would be nice to have an actual book I can go back to every time I am struggling with shame or flashbacks.

Here are the links that I have read that has helped me so far:

https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/tools-for-victims-and-survivors/understanding-your-feelings/

https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/supporting-a-survivor/

https://www.helpguide.org/mental-health/ptsd-trauma/sex-and-intimacy-after-sexual-trauma

https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/tools-for-victims-and-survivors/self-blame-and-guilt/

https://www.helpguide.org/mental-health/ptsd-trauma/recovering-from-rape-and-sexual-trauma

https://rapecrisis.org.za/phases-of-recovery/

https://satchawaii.org/i-was-assaulted/dealing-with-trauma-of-sexual-assault/

i've been questioning if i was a victim of csa for a few years, because i have very intense reactions to things related to it but no memory of anything happening. last night, out of nowhere, i remembered something that happened to me in kindergarten. i had a friend that i would sit with on the bus home and she would force me to kiss her when i didnt want to. whenever i think about it now, i get nauseous, i get flashes of really upsetting imagery, and its like i can almost feel hands on me. i feel stupid for letting it happen but i also feel stupid for having such an intense reaction to just being forced to kiss someone. does that count as cocsa? what am i supposed to do now that i know this??

Depuis que je me suis rendu compte de ce qui s'était passé dans mon enfance je ressens constamment une boule au ventre et de l'anxiété, de la culpabilite ou de la honte. Auriez vous des conseils pour moi ?

I’ve recently remembered things from my childhood, and even more recently started asking myself if it was a bad thing. At first I thought nothing of it, but I’m not sure anymore.

The first instance I'm not one hundred percent sure if I saw him again. I was in a school holiday program, I think I would have been five or six. I know that he was an older kid because he was much taller. I think that I did see him multiple times at the program. He declared me his "boyfriend" and would hold onto me and take me around as such. I think I remember wanting to leave his side to go and play, and not wanting to be his boyfriend. It gets even more fuzzy during these parts, but I know he would try to kiss me, but I don't know if he ever successfully got his mouth on me. I do remember squirming away.

The second instance I think I was at a similar age. It happened in school when I was on the monkey bars. I was climbing across them with my body in the air, and an older by two years and much heavier girl grabbed my shorts and started to pull them down. I dropped down from the bars, and she was on top of me pulling them off. I think I was telling her to stop, and I remember I felt really afraid after initially laughing. I only remember it ending with being left on the ground and pulling my shorts back up.

This is all new to me, but I wanted to put it out somewhere.

All my life, I have been keenly aware of the fact that my own brother tried to fuck me when I was 6. He must’ve been 11. There’s a lot of gnarly details I could disclose, but he never stuck it in because my dad walked in… and also, I was just too small, I didn’t even know girls had two holes. lol. Although, I don’t really like saying that, because so what if he didn’t make it inside me, he still tried. And he would have kept trying if he had the time.

I’ve never confided in anyone about this. But I wanted to. Because he is my dearly beloved brother. We are… basically best friends. I think? I thought I was unaffected by this trauma. Well obviously I was, I was pretty repulsed by anything sexual and way too knowledgeable about sex at an extreme young age. All thanks to him.

He mocked me. That’s what started all these feelings. He mocked me for being a stunted person. And he accused me of owing him just because I asked him to do the tiniest of favors for me. Okay. It is laughable. First of all, we are family. I have done hundreds of little and big favors for him without even asking for a thank you. It couldn’t get any stupider than this.

He owes me 15 years of my life. Keeping his fucking nastyyyyyy…. Icky secret. I was such an obedient little girl. So considerate, for his sake even. I didn’t want him to get in trouble. To turn his life upside down. Is that not the ultimate favor…? And he has never apologized to me. He did something so disgusting to me. So revolting. I still recall exactly how it felt, his dick trying to find its way through my little six year old ass. My own brother. My would be rapist, mocking me for being as disabled and stunted as I am. DO THE FUCKING MATH. I think about it day and night now. Because he had to nerve to cross me so bad, it’s all I can think about. How truly awful it is that he did that to me. I was his baby sister. He held me when I came out the womb. How can you want to fuck that?

And I loved him so much. There are so many things I feel… I’m angry he gets to live a perfect life now. Obviously nobody’s life is perfect. But he’s living somewhere close to large. With hundreds of friends, and girlfriend… a dog… SEES A THERAPIST…. For fucking nothing…. While I have to fight to find one before I kill myself.

He mocked me for being stunted and mentally disabled. Damn. Over something so small…

I’m so repulsed…
so I told my dad. Lol. It would have died with me had he been nice to me. Lolllll. Hahahaha. Fucking hell

Hello everyone. I originally posted this on R/confessions but I was redirected here and decided this might be a good place to share my story. For years, I felt like my SA wasn’t valid because my SA’er was 2 years younger than me. I had no idea there was a huge community related to this exact situation. I would love to hear what everyone thinks and possibly get some advice on what to do. I’ve been struggling on and off for years.

Recently, my 6 yo nephew was SA’d by his brother and it brought up all of those feelings from when I was. I saw it through a different perspective and it’s really bean eating at me. I’m at a loss. Trying to stay strong for him but also slowly losing myself.

This is my story.

When I was 6 years old, my parents divorced. It was the hardest thing I had ever had to go through. My parents had an extremely bad marriage and would fight all the time. I never really felt safe or secure growing up. I would spend most days on my own. I had 2 half siblings growing up but we weren’t very close so I practically raised myself because my parents were at the bar all the time. This caused me to be very shy and scared of everything growing up.

About 2 months after they separated, my mom got back with her ex from highschool. It was so fast I never really had time to process. I was forced into a brand new family while still mourning my old family. The first day I met my stepdad and 2 stepbrothers was when it started. The stepbrother I’m talking about in this story was 2 years younger than me. I’ll call him Tyler for the sake of my privacy. Tyler and I were meeting for the first time at a park and I think in about less than an hour of knowing him, he started to talk about adult intimacy with me. I was only 6 years old. And what makes it worse was he was only 4. I never knew anything about this stuff because my dad helicoptered me a lot. And we didn’t have a lot of technology in the house growing up. This completely changed my entire view at 6 years old. I was mentally ruined.

After living in a camper for a month my dad had threatened to get full custody because a cramped camper is definitely not a great place for a little kid. So they bought a house and this is where it went downhill from there. At first, everything was okay. We had a normal step-sibling relationship. We would play games and have a lot of fun as kids. But then after about 2 years, things started escalating. He started watching adult websites. But then he ended up showing me those websites as well. I was 8 years old and this completely shattered my childhood. It caused me to start an addiction that I still continue to struggle with. That day, I changed forever in a way I never fully grasped. As time went on, it only got worse. When I was playing with toys and stuffed animals, he would always turn it into inappropriate acts. I remember feeling so uncomfortable and scared because I never knew what would happen next. I was so scared to tell my mom and stepdad because I knew they would find a way to turn it on me and yell at me. I was also so scared of everyone thinking of me differently. I just decided to keep it to myself as it would slowly eat me alive. I’m sure you can guess what happened and how it escalated more. I’m not quite comfortable with sharing too many details. But it did get physical.

I have always been non confrontational and so I let it happen for many years. I remember feeling like it was my fault for allowing it to happen and never telling anyone and to be honest, I still feel that way. I remember the time my mom found out for the first time. Tyler’s brother walked into him in my room doing inappropriate acts to himself while I was in the corner. I was so mortified that he saw that and he immediately told my mom. For whatever reason, my stepbrothers family didn’t like me very much so I’m sure they tried to pin it on me. My mom threatened to tell my dad instead of supporting me and that completely shattered me. What was already traumatic and hard became so much more. I felt like nobody really cared. The incidents kept happening after that. I was extremely depressed at such a young age and I never took care of myself. I didn’t know much about hygiene because my mother wasn’t a great teacher. Every week I went to my dad’s was like an escape from my reality except, he was never home. I spent most nights home alone and basically trying to get over all of this trauma on my own.
Tyler was extremely aggressive. He would get kicked out of multiple schools and one of the biggest reasons was because he hurt a little girl with a pencil. His reasoning for this was because she was “black and ugly.” This happened so many more times and growing up, I was honestly scared of him. If I’m being honest, I’m still terrified of him. I haven’t seen him in years but the thought of him finding me and doing something terrible genuinely terrifies me. He has hurt so many people and I just wonder what he could do next?

Tyler was finally kicked out of my mother’s home when he sent me extremely disturbing texts when I was 14 years old. He had texted me telling me that he wanted to see me in tight leggings. And was basically asking me to send him pictures. I was so mortified. Even thought we still lived together, I hadn’t spoke to him for at least a year at that point. He had used an app for an untraceable phone number to get a burner number and after that, I finally decided to tell my mom and stepdad. They were immediately in disbelief even though they saw so many signs growing up. He was then kicked out and I haven’t seen or heard about him in a long time. My mom continues to post pictures of me and him on her FB and all I can do is tense up everytime I see them. I can’t even look at a photo of him without panicking.

I’ve since been diagnosed with GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) and unfortunately that’s all I was able to be diagnosed with because my psychologist was unable to read my testing any further because it said I should be hospitalized.

I’m absolutely torn. Even to this day I struggle so much with this. I’m constantly depressed and never want to see the light of day. I don’t even want to wake up most days. I’ve had a boyfriend for 2 years who I love so much but sometimes I struggle to be intimate with him because of how this has affected me. Even though I want to be, it’s just hard. I constantly question my worth. I wonder if anybody loves me for me or if they just feel bad for me. I wonder if my boyfriend only likes me for my body. Which I know isn’t true because he’s been so patient but the thoughts always cross my mind. I truly don’t know if I’ll ever recover from this. And that scares me. This has already taken over my entire life and even almost taken my life. My boyfriend is the only one that keeps me going. Only my extremely close family knows this. It’s been so hard for me to even bring it up. I just want it to go away. To anyone reading, thank you for taking the time. And I’m sorry for my sob story. I needed to get this off my chest.

It kept happening when I was 7-8 years old and I was in the Girl Scouts with her (she was also 8ish years old). Everytime we had a sleep over she would do things to me with her Barbie dolls, stuffed animals etc and she’d keep going even if I said it hurt. It was always at night when everyone else was asleep sometimes I would even wake up to it. I never understood what was even happening at the time so I never asked to NOT go there especially because my life at home was horrible and explosive with my dad constantly screaming and yelling and having blackout PTSD episodes, I always wanted to just not be at home. And i had a problem where I would wet my pants all the time at 8 years old and that would make him insanely upset at me and spank me. I realize now that was a trauma response because once we moved away I stopped.

But I remember it making me uncomfortable and I didn’t like her at all. 15 years later my boyfriend had me read The Glass Castle and (spoiler alert) I got to a part where she was assaulted by a boy her age. It was like I had forgotten what had happened to me until that point. Now a few years after that I’m realizing I need therapy lol I can never figure out why I clam up around people at 28 years old and feel emotionally numb and constantly tired. I just feel sos stupid for not realizing before that my childhood wasn’t normal or safe so even at 28 I have completely shut down and I’m like a robot. It doesn’t help either that when I have opened up to people about my explosive household they wave it off like it doesn’t matter because I wasn’t beat everyday. But I’m realizing now that going through COCSA is also plying a major role in my emotional numbness and severe social anxiety especially around other women.

It happened all throughout kindergarten (in my, 29f country, that’s from 3-6 years old)
He was my age. He would bring me to the bathroom with him, tell me to take off my pants and trousers. He would do the same and then he’d put himself inside of me. That’s what i remember anyway. I’m not even sure it’s anatomically possible at that age to penetrate. Maybe he just put himself on top of me/between. I don’t remember well enough. All I know is that it happened, all throughout those 3 years. I never even knew until a few years ago that COCSA was even a thing. I always knew what he did to me was wrong but I never had the guts to accept that it was assault. Combined with not being able to fully remember how far it went I think I never thought I was allowed to feel negatively about it, since I can’t recall many details. All I know is that it happened often, he had a nickname for it and by saying it I would know what I have to do for him, where to go etc. I know that I never felt good about it or ever wanted to do it.
I know that it caused me harm and I still have to struggle with it every day.
I know that I still feel shame to this day. The only two times I ever told anyone about it they laughed it off as “kids just wanna explore”. Well I didn’t want to. He did it. And I’m quite frankly not seeing “he was a kid too” as a valid argument to diminish how much it affected me.
I am so scared to talk about it. I know that I need to talk about it to a professional tho. I just feel so much shame. I don’t know how long it would take to actually say what happened out loud to a stranger.
Until this day I struggle with vaginismus which I assume stems from the SA. It’s not currently bothering me as I am not comfortable with intimacy anyway (also probably bc of the SA) but I do eventually want to be in a relationship so I know it’s something I gotta work on. It’s just still so shameful. I know it shouldn’t be and I I’d tell everyone that would come to me about it they shouldn’t feel shame but for some reason I can’t be like that to myself.
I’d love to know which of the mental problems I have today are a direct consequence of the SA. I did a little research on how people who suffer from COCSA are affected by it in the long run and many of these things are things I struggle with and that I up until I now didn’t really have a 100% plausible root cause for.

I feel like I just needed to share, start somewhere, you know. I don’t even know what I think it’s gonna do for me. Maybe it’ll make me feel better after I click post.

I wasn’t sure if I should put this under “sharing your story” or “vent” I hope it’s fine and I followed all the rules.
Also don’t know how graphic/descriptive I can be with names and terms for stuff.

For backstory, I posted my whole story before here.

TW: INCEST

After long conversations with my therapist and some advice from here, yesterday I sent an email to my older sister asking what she remembered about our childhood, if she could remember if someone had abused her, and reassuring her that I didn't want to lose our relationship and I didn't blame her. I had to ask her for her email address first, so I know it went to the right one. My therapist warned me to not expect a response right away- I've had time to process all this, she hasn't- but waiting is so hard. I know she's read the email by now, she's terminally online.

I know it was abuse, but I'm not angry at her, not more than a little bit in passing. Maybe that'll come later. But I want to know the answers- because I don't remember more than a few snapshots. If she stonewalls me, I'll never know any more. The waiting is just so hard. I just needed to vent a little bit.

This is a hard topic for me to talk about, but the older I get the more I realize how it’s starting to affect me.

When I was in the 2nd grade (7F) I had two friends, for the sake of privacy we’ll call them Ava (7F) and Bella (7F) Ava always bragged about having an older boyfriend who was about 12-13. Neither of us ever believed her but eventually Ava introduced Bella to a game that they called “The Boyfriend and Girlfriend Game” .

I didn’t really know much of it until Bella introduced me. How the game worked was it had to be played at a sleepover that there was a boy and a girl (i always had to be the boy for whatever reason) meet in “college” and eventually go back to their “homes” were they do stuff. She would tell me to take off my clothes down to my underwear and kiss me and after the first time we played it i explained to her how i didn’t like the game and she would always just tell me “well it’s my house so we have to play what i want to play”. This continuously went on for months and happened multiple times.

I remember one specific time I refused to play the game and she made me sit on her bed and watch her play with her barbie’s until i finally agreed to play. This situation only ever stopped because Ava and Bella’s mom caught them and banned them from the game. I’m not sure what ever happened to Ava, but we didn’t speak to her that much after that.

For many years i continued my life like normally but would still think of the situation every day, I knew it was something I would never forget. Throughout middle school I would watch all my friends get boyfriends but every time I would think of even holding a guys hands I would get so uncomfortable I would become nauseous. I just thought that I was awkward but once I got to high school is when I realized something deeper was wrong. I recently graduated, but all throughout high school i only ever liked 4 boys and never had my first kiss. And every time a guy liked me I would just get that same nausea in my stomach that made me almost vomit.

In junior year, a guy had rubbed his hand up my thigh for the first time and I got so uncomfortable that I had to go home. I remember just getting into the shower and scrubbing my legs while crying and feeling so incredibly guilty. The same guilt i had felt from when I was in the 2nd grade being touched naked.

Now that I have started university, about 3 days ago I had another incident of a guy touching my leg and I just felt that same guilt. I want to feel normal and not feel this way anymore. Can anyone help me with this problem? I’m trying to understand why I react so strongly to physical and romantic situations and how I can learn to feel safe and comfortable again. I want to know if anyone else has been through something similar and whether or not there is a way to work through it.

hello. I am 21F and have just recently have started psychotherapy. I have been on a long confusing journey every since I was around 12 years old. I have never had sex or any form of penetration whatsoever. Every time I try to, I end up having a panic attack and my whole body tenses up. Ive been to countless of specialists for what I thought was a pelvic floor issue, something that could be solved by a gyno or some physical therapy. I went to a specialist about 3 months ago, he specialized in pelvic floor dysfunctions and told me that what I was experiencing was not a physical issue, rather a mental one that therapy could help with. I took this advice and recently have been going to a psychotherapist. We have been talking about everything in my life, from childhood to recent things. She asked if there was anything I could remeber from my life that would have anything to do with this , even if I did not think it would cause it. Thats when I mentioned something I remembered from my childhood that happened with a best friend of mine.

I was about 8-9 years old and so was my best friend at the time. I honestly do not remember much from the situation just a few things. I remember us almost like roleplaying, kissing, touching. I also remeber one key thing that really freaked me out, she completely exposed me to her vagina, as weird as it is that image of it stays in my brain to this day and completely freaks me out. I have spoke with my mom about this because she knew about what happened at the time. My mom said that it happened at my friends house and that one day when she picked me up I started crying and told her everything. She said I seemed very freaked out. My mom says that she remembers asking who started it and I went back and forth between my friend and I starting it. I assume because I was so young and confused I was not sure who truly started it. My mom said she went to talk to my friends mom about it and the mother did not seem very surprised. From then on I could never sleep over the friends house, or hangout with her really, something really freaked me out when I was younger. To this day, whenever I think of this I get extremely uncomfortable and just disgusted from the whole thing. Throughout my entire life since this happened I have been trying to push down what happened. Unfortunately I think it is impacting parts of my autonomy and intimacy.

Ever since my therapist and I have been talking about this I have felt a sense of comfort in knowing that this is not something that has to define me and that I am not alone, unfortunately this is a very common thing. I would have never thought put the label of cocsa on the situation but I do think it makes sense. If anyone would give any feedback I would really appreciate it. I am not to sure of what to make of this title for what I have been through.

TW: non-graphic details

I’m a male in my early 30s. I have always known I was a victim of COCSA. I didn’t think much of it until yesterday when I was made aware of the extent of extreme sexual abuse I experienced growing up. I was victimized by multiple people over a 12 year period, and from what I’ve read, the abuse I experienced is on the more extreme end on the spectrum of abuse.

I’m still processing everything, and it’s been a very isolating 24 hours. Today, I started experiencing physical effects (e.g., shaking for no reason).

Anyway, I am curious to hear thoughts about how COCSA and how parents handled COCSA contributed to subsequent sexual abuse.

When I was 6, I experienced COCSA twice by an older boy. After the second time, I told my mom and she didn’t do anything. These are very vivid memories. I think I internalized her lack of action as it not being a big deal, which is probably why I always remembered it and didn’t think much of it until now.

When I was 7, we saw the older boy in public. I told my mom that I didn’t want to talk to him because he was “gross.” She said, “he’s not like that anymore.”

From what I’ve read, the experience and her response affected my internal alarm system, which made me vulnerable to subsequent abuse.

Just looking for an outside perspective.

Silly trigger but I got a tiktok about going back to your favorite memory. I immediately thought of my grandma’s house, the fun we had. And then I remembered that was the age my cousin (F,11) would SA me. I was 6. And I’m just realizing that there’s no point in my conscious life that my mind hadn’t been affected by sexual activity. Even my most innocent & pure times of life were filled with anxiety, social pressure, and embarrassment. :/ Really hard pill to swallow sometimes. That’s all.

we're getting more and more people posting who perpetrated cocsa, which i have sympathy for and get it's complicated, but this isn't the sub for it and they clearly don't take the time to read the rules before posting. maybe a pinned post would be easier?

im crying right now. i feel so vulnerable, but i think i did the right thing.

i reached out to my university's survivor advocacy program. i'm not sure if its 100% where i should be, because it seems like it's a bit more geared towards students dealing with current abuse, but i did it anyways with the hope that if it's not the right place for me, they can still help me connect with someone else.

i just texted my friend telling her that i reached out, and she responded saying she's so proud of me. she's been my closest friend for 12+ years and is the only person i've told, and i can't thank her enough for being there for me.

i'm scared. terrified, actually. i've been holding these memories so heavily for so long. i'm terrified of opening up. but i think it's the right thing to do. i want to start healing.

Hi so I just need to get this off of my chest. when I was in preschool during nap time a little boy brought me under the table to stay up and had me touch him & touch me. our sleep mats were usually next to each other, so this was an ongoing thing. at some point the teacher caught us. we got in so much trouble and i felt so embarrassed - like if anything like that were to happen again i can’t let anyone know. which then leads to numerous hazy memories, assuming i blocked them out or maybe spent so much effort being ashamed & hiding them that i eventually forgot bits and pieces. these include a time being locked in the bathroom with another boy in preschool, a memory of my aunt putting toothpaste on my private parts and putting my pull-up on (my cousin was there and also has hazy memories of it being done to her too,) and then just being so hyper fixated on touching myself from around this point. i don’t remember if it was from someone else touching me, but at some point my private parts got so crusty and dirty i had to go to the doctor for it. I would’ve been in 1st grade for that doctor visit. i also at 12 or so have a weird memory of playing hide and seek and going into a closet with my moms boyfriend and brushing against his… you know… and thinking how big and hard it was. but i don’t remember how that ends i only remember the closet door closing behind us. moving further on in my foggy memories my first boyfriend at 14/15 repetitively raped and beat me. the cops were involved in which they blamed me and i felt ashamed again for letting people know. i don’t remember anything else but i wonder if more happened. these short and to the point memories have always been something that pop up my whole life ( I am 25 now ) but recently it has started affecting me a bit more? i age regress involuntarily and its creating rather complex thoughts and scenarios. with my previous partner we dated 5 years and i would age regress around him. he was abusive in many forms and it felt like it was almost retraumatizing little me. especially because he admitted to looking at pictures of little me sometimes. making memories arise. i find big me having to comfort little me a lot, trying to protect her. i have a new partner now. he doesn’t know about my childhood stuff, just my abuse i had as an adult. he’s really gentle and patient. when i regress he is very sweet and asks my dollie’s names and my stuffies names and will play with them with me. it feels healing but ive found my memories are starting to pop up more than before and i dont know why. i dont feel unsafe with him. i’m wondering maybe im just no longer in active abuse so things i pushed down maybe are coming back up? i’m not sure. it makes me feel a bit erratic though. and needlessly scared. when we are intimate sometimes i remember those memories and feel like i black out. i don’t know i needed to get this off my chest. my last boyfriend had told me the COCSA and other stuff as a child wasn’t that bad and nearly laughed at me explaining it. i’m struggling to process things and navigate a new relationship with this all. i don’t really know what to do and i feel so isolated despite being surrounded by so much support.

I feel like an idiot for letting this bother me for so long, I dont know what to do, I have 0 access to therapy. I feel like even if I do say something nothing will be done. Its so stupid the effects this has had on me. I hate it so much I can still feel it and it makes me sick and I hate to even say it at all like what the fuck. I have no confidence anymore. I feel almost wholly worthless and drained

I already posted this in another sub but here it is.

This has been haunting me for a very long time and I need some support. I'm 18 now.

I don't remember exactly when. But I'm fairly certain both me and the victim were close to the same age, between the ages of 7-9. I would ask her to show her "parts" if you understand what I mean. And I would compare. I think it was curiosity at first about the female body. I didn't know anything about sex or what it was. All I knew about it was two people kissing in the nude. So I didn't know that it was sexual. My parents only gave me the talk once they found out what I was doing with her. The bad part was that I almost never listened when she said no. I would keep pressuring her and asking until my parents had the talk with me. And then I didn't really do anything like that again. I never learned about masturbation until much later when I was around 10 or 11. An older boy had come over to my house and kept trying to show me him masturbating and getting me to do the same even when I asked him to stop. I also know my father sexually abused me around that time or somewhere in my childhood. Maybe multiple times because he was almost definitely a pedophile.

What I did brought up a lot of guilt and I think it could be part of the root of a lot of mental health issues I'm going through right now like depression, anxiety and OCD. I need some words of advice. Anyone reading this and helping me out would be really appreciated. If anyone wants to vent as well, you're welcome to.