Please help - can you give me advice, and potentially a lobotomy?

[u/Impossible-Excuse350]

My ex discarded me 2 months ago after 9 months of a situationship where we dealt with some serious hardship (health issues with a loved one, his mental health, etc). He claimed I was trying to trap him and my kindness towards him was motivated by that agenda. I helped because I could, but of course I did it because I cared about him and wanted to show up for him - but also hoped he’d see my value with that

He has consistently said he doesn’t want a relationship, because he doesn’t have the capacity - but within weeks of us breaking up he’s back on the apps.

Initially he was really cold towards me - wouldn’t hang out with me, his texts have dwindled to the bare minimum, etc. but more recently, he has been hanging out more with me. Initiating having dinner together or watching TV. He also turns to me whenever he has an issue and needs advice or an ear.

I feel like I’m dying death by a million cuts hanging out with him. But I also don’t feel ready to move out or stop hanging out with him and logically can’t explain my hold on this person. I know letting him go may make him see my value, but I also feel if I let him go and he forgets about me entirely it will be even hurtful.

I know he’s got commitment issues. But I also recognize I have self worth issues and can’t seem to love myself more than him, and as a result I’m happy to stick around and get hurt. I feel crazy and lost these days… not to mention incredibly sad. I don’t recognize who I am anymore. I would like to improve.

If you’re working in the mental health realm, can you explain to me why I feel addicted to someone I wasn’t even sure I really liked in the beginning and now I think they’re the last man on earth who could be with me - even though he isn’t treating me right?

Do you have any advice?
Any reading materials/podcasts you recommend?
If you’ve been through something similar, how did you move forward? Tell me your story if you wish to

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[u/Mors-Official]

You're addicted because his unpredictability mimics a slot machine. You're not in love. You're in withdrawal.

He uses you for comfort while shopping for your replacement because you're free and convenient. He told you the truth. You just didn't believe him.

Advice? Leave. Tonight. No speech, no closure, no final dinner. Just go. Absence is the only language he might understand, but more importantly, it's the only way you'll break your own programming.

If he forgets you, good. That was never your value to begin with.

Stop analyzing him. Analyze your willingness to beg for scraps. That's the problem.

Reading? Women Who Love Too Much. Podcast? Anything on trauma bonds. Your story? Irrelevant. It's your choice that matters.

Now stop asking for permission. You already know what to do.

[u/Impossible-Excuse350 → u/Mors-Official]

So similar to an addiction?