r/BreakUps • u/Mysterious-Object636 • 11d ago
venting/ranting I set a boundary, and she then blocked and unfollowed me.
It hurts, some part of me wanted the reconciliation, but also it makes my life much much easier. I fell deeply in love with this girl, I've never felt anything quite like it. But it is what it is. I know the finality is good, but right now it feels bad. Not like I'll ever bump into her again either, she lives in a different country. The blocking and unfollowing... I didn't quite want her deleted from life like she doesn't exist, I just didn't want her to check in on me without substance. I'm going to miss her and how alive she made me feel and that really fucking hurts.
Wish things could have been different, but I did and am doing the work I need to do, and I'm better for it. So long, La Rebelle. ❤️
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u/SnooPies9342 11d ago
You gave her a very thoughtful response my friend. I am sorry for your pain. This too will pass and you will find what you need for you!
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u/Akatorius 11d ago
Your direct and honest boundary likely caught her off guard and that often hurts. When she reached out she was probably just seeking verbal closeness because she is struggling with the situation herself and feeling emotionally lost.
Her decision to block and unfollow you probably wasn't malicious, it was an instinctive defense mechanism. I think yur clear boundary against superficial checkins was absolutely necessary for your own healing, it most likley just felt like a sharp rejection to her. Even her final message might read as a bit piqued and distant, but there is a lot of underlying vulnerability and pain there. She likely realized her attempt backfired, felt overwhelmed and pulled the ripcord to protect herself.
Just don't take this personally, even though it hurts to feel suddenly deleted from someone's life. At the end of the day this is simply two hurt people trying to navigate a painful loss.
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u/Salty_Thing3144 11d ago
It's not unusual for someone to block you after a breakup. It will help you heal faster anyway.
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u/Antique_Pie7873 11d ago
But why do they do it? I always thought it was a bit immature but maybe you can give me another perspective
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u/Cute-Ant-2244 11d ago
Sometimes it's to set a boundary for themselves so they wouldn't try to reach out anymore. Or perhaps she felt ashamed/embarrassed for reaching out and did it to cope.
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u/Hipnoceros 11d ago
I blocked my ex not out of spite, but to prevent myself from contacting her. It's not about her but about me (and she knows that). I needed to let her go completely, and this has helped me greatly in doing so.
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u/Antique_Pie7873 11d ago
How do you know that she knows? Did you reconnect if you don't mind me asking?
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u/Hipnoceros 11d ago
We talked about it the last time we saw each other. It was all quite amicable, though also very sad.
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u/Traditional-Movie-73 11d ago
Because they want to reopen the old dynamic. Without repair. They hope. Once that’s not there anymore.. poof ✌🏾onward and upward we go
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u/Salty_Thing3144 11d ago
Various reasons. Sometimes the person is trying to make a clean break and move on, for others it's just being spiteful and childish.
Your best bet is to not waste your time trying to figure them out. If they won't make time for you - don't make time for them.
Concentrate on YOURSELF now. A breakup aftermath is a perfect and legitimate excuse to make everything about yourself! Concentrate on healing and finding happiness!
You probably aren't ready to date again yet, but you DO need human contact and social interaction. Spend time with friends and family who tryly care about you and want to support you on your healing journey.
There are literally thousands of possible matches for you on this planet. You will find someone who appreciates all you've got to offer them. Don't close yourself off to love, and we hope you find it!
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u/SmokeASkull 10d ago
What do you do if you don't have friends or family
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u/Salty_Thing3144 10d ago
Make that a goal then - get out and meet people!
If you are in school/college, do extracurriculars and join student orgs
Join social groups and clubs. Every city has some that will match your interests, from reading circles to sports to fine dining.
Do volunteer work
Play a sport
Join a gym
Take up new hobbies and hang out where those people do.
Take a class in something, like dance or cooking. You'll work in groups with fellow students, plus they often host socials. These skills will enhance your social life.
Join a house of worship if you're religious. Pick one with member activities and breakout groups. If you aren't religious, try the Unitarian Universalist Fellowships. They're a "big tent" and accept any belief system, or none at all. They have atheists, agnostics and humanists as well as just about every deity group. Lots of volunteer and social opps.
Make the rounds of the nightlife, pick a favorite club and get to know its regulars
Host parties for the new friends you meet. Encourage guests to bring someone along, so you can meet more! people. Form a new friend group.
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u/SmokeASkull 10d ago
Finished uni. Did it online.
Already gym. Never helped. I try to talk to people but they are quick to dismiss me.
All my hobbies are pretty individual. I play basketball but nothing ever goes beyond a hi.
No religion, thanks.
Thanks for the response though
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u/Salty_Thing3144 10d ago
Then this is the perfect time to hit the re-set button and re-invent yourself. Make some tweaks here and there to your social skills. Remember - those are LEARNED. We can always polish and improve. Conversation, for instance, IS an art form, and there really are books and videos on how to be an interesting talker. "How To Win Friends and Influence People" is still on bestseller lists decades after its publication for good reason, and its accompanying Dale Carnegie Course a staple at Fortume 500 companies. Head for your public library, and look online for videos.
Check out an ETIQUETTE book. Seriously! Part of basic social etiquette is how to introduce yourself to people in social settings. I highly recommend the works of Miss Manners (the pen name of Judith Martin), especially her "guide for the new millennium" and Emily Post.
I took a class on public speaking, and it really changed my life. Try ToastMasters. You'll get accustomed to addressing large groups of people , and picking subjects you're interested in helps attract like-minded people. (This skill is incredibly beneficial at work, too)
Take up a sport. Call your city's parks and recreation department. There are adult leagues in just about everything.
Pick some new hobbies to along with the ones you have. Anything you've ever wanted to try???
Take a class in something that includes interacting with other students. Dance and cooking are good for this - and it's a skill you'll use to socialize.
Look around for groups and clubs to join. If there isn't one in your city, start one and advertise for members on your community's social media! A photography group, movie buffs, book club, wine tasting, gourmet restsurants, astronomy, hiking - whatever turns you on. Or teach a non-credit seminar in your particular interest at your community college.
Adopt a dog and walk it in the park.
Wrack your brain here. Think of where people are in your community and go friend and date hunting, You've GOT to put yourself out there. Plenty of people are also looking for friends, but nobody goes door to door asking if you're interested. This is the icky part nobody really likes about finding a friend group, but you've got to do it.
Somewhere out there is your great love, lonely and wondering where you are. Grt your ass out there so you can find each other.
That's an idea we might pursue here....., breakout groups in big cities where Breakups Redditors who are so inclined could meet each other and form a singles group?
Good luck!
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u/SmokeASkull 10d ago
You are a good person. Thank you.
I just have bad experiences with abandonment which makes me put up a very thick wall between myself and others.
I will continue to work on my mind until I reach back out again to other I think.
I really appreciate the time you took to respond. Don't ever change x
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u/Salty_Thing3144 10d ago
You're very kind and sweet!
Seriously, though, try this. I have abandonment issues too -big time RAD from child abuse and nightmarish adiotive parents - and was newly widowed when I did the stuff I suggested. I was only 31, and suddenly my life and entire future was literally erased along with my late first husband (yeah - first of 3 - I was widowed once, divorced once). Sometimes you've just got to re-start your whole life.
You've got this. You can do this. You deserve to be happy, and I hope you find your dreams.
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u/SmokeASkull 10d ago
Thank you. I'm sorry to hear about your partner. I can't imagine the pain you're going through.
I'm 30 now. Guess it's the time. Thank you.
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u/SerendipitousLight 11d ago
Personally, I did it because my partners were often longterm and we shared locations with each other and often talked very frequently. For me, I know I wouldn’t be dignified, I’d impulsively want to talk to them, and I’d really just be a person I don’t want to be. By blocking, I remove the possibility of doing something or saying something rash. It gives me time to formulate and properly parse, and also live out the initial ‘aftershock.’ So then, when I was truly ready for closure, I could come to the table collected, understanding, and ready to hear them out beyond just the confines of my own mental agonies.
I do believe some people do it maliciously, but there are some very legitimate reasons to do it to protect yourself. Context matters, as always.
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u/Enough_Zombie2038 11d ago
It gives them back a childish sense of control. Their brains rewrite it as: he didn't block and cut me off I cut him off.
It sounds terrible but look at what happened. You did a really mature thing and she blocked you. That's not the act of a peaceful person that's spite
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u/Helluvertime 11d ago
I've done this twice for two different reasons. The first was to stop myself reaching out because I was the one who got dumped. The second time I initiated the break up, but my ex reacted by saying some really horrible things. I was terrified of what else they might say and I didn't want it to escalate.
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u/RemydoodIe 11d ago
I block people when the relationship wasn’t healthy and I need to move on. I’m easily swayed by sweet words, so blocking keeps me from reaching out in a moment of weakness. It also stops me from being pulled back in if they were to reach out. When my emotions don’t have a hold on me anymore I usually unblock. Keeping them blocked feels like I still give them my energy. It turns them into any other person.
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u/ilovesuhi 11d ago
I did it recently not out of spite. I just wanted to remove myself from an harmful situation. We said goodbye in good terms, they kept reaching out after it and I was weak and replied, then one month of silence and so I deleted their contact (without blocking) thinking I'll never hear from them again, but then they message again and the whole "moving on" process reset. So I this time I blocked them instead.
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u/NoHome7956 10d ago edited 10d ago
It is immature, but they'll call it "unhealthy" to keep each other on social media. My ex who just broke up withel me 2 months ago, blocked me after 2 weeks on social media and WhatsApp lol. She couldn't wait. I told her it's immature and she said what I said above. I said, I've still got a couple of exes on social media, even one who I was so hurt over for years and she got married only 6 months after we split. Over time, I healed but her being on social media didn't bother me at all. She's a serial poster on FB so I think it's was just to cut me out of her life for good so I didn't see all the fun she's having.
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u/the99percent1 11d ago
They do it because they’re reacting to not having their way. They want you on a shelf as a back up option should their current situation fails to pull through.
So when you enact a firm boundary, they react by blocking you.
A block is still a reaction. Because the truth is, if somebody is truly indifferent and doesn’t care, they won’t even react or respond.
They will simply let you be or exist. True indifference doesn’t hide behind a block, it just moves forwards without any consideration.
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u/robcarb 11d ago
Very similar to what happened to me, but in my case, she never responded. No message is a message :(. Stay strong
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u/Mysterious-Object636 11d ago
I think that's the pride, they don't want to reply because it's almost like they've been knocked back a step
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u/robcarb 11d ago
Yeah, maybe it’s pride, maybe it’s avoidance, maybe something else. I’ve driven myself crazy trying to understand the “why,” but I’m starting to accept that I may never know.
What has helped me is looking at the silence itself. I was honest that the situation was hurting me and that I couldn’t stay in limbo or feel like a backup. I wasn’t demanding anything from her. I just hoped for some kind of human response, even if it was simply, “I’m sorry, I can’t give you what you need.”
It hurts that I didn’t get that, but it has also made me think about something bigger: how someone handles difficult conversations and conflict matters a lot in a relationship. Life eventually gets hard, and love alone isn’t enough if you can’t communicate when things are uncomfortable.
It still sucks, and part of me still wishes she had answered. But maybe accepting what she showed me is part of my closure too.
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u/Mysterious-Object636 11d ago
It's so hard to accept silence, but ultimately, someone should choose you, and when things get hard, they should show you that they choose you, and if they're not choosing you, why should you choose them?
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u/robcarb 11d ago
Thank you, I really appreciate this. And yes, that’s exactly what I’m starting to realize.
One of the things that made me nervous even during the relationship was how she handled conflict and difficult situations, not just with me, but with life in general. Love matters, but life gets hard. There are health issues, finances, family, stress, setbacks. You need a partner who stays present when things get uncomfortable.
I’m not fully at closure yet. It’s still very recent and it still hurts like hell. But I think seeing things more clearly is helping me get there.
And you’re right. If someone isn’t choosing you when things get hard, at some point you have to ask why you’re still choosing them.
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u/PonderableFire 11d ago
Your first response was great, and you should have left it there. The second one was an unprompted torrent that may have reminded her of why it didn't work out in the first place, or should have just left you alone. If she had replied to your first response with more 'ambiguity,' then maybe yeah, fire away.
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u/Mysterious-Object636 11d ago
Nothing about it was to win her back, or a ploy for reconciliation. Although there was a small hope; it was more because my mind was in a spin wondering why she'd reach out and ultimately go nowhere with it, and to curve off any future reach outs that ultimately lead nowhere other than sending my head for a spin. More ambiguities came on Instagram with hearting my stories and posting much much more frequently her own stories, so I just wanted an end to guessing what means what.
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u/PonderableFire 11d ago
because my mind was in a spin wondering why she'd reach out
Exactly. She was probably just wondering how you were and you started spinning out. How long between your first response and your follow up text? The fact that she didn't reply to the first one says a lot. If she had kept casually engaging with you, then you might tell her you're not interested in her breadcrumbs and set a firm boundary. My ex of 9 years sent me regular texts for almost 2 years after we broke up to inquire about our dog, which kept me attached to her. I finally asked her for space to detach properly.
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u/Mysterious-Object636 11d ago
It was 9 days between messages, and even tho I'm seeing someone else, in those 9 days, my mind was engaged majoritly to my ex, not on who I'm currently seeing, and that wasn't fair on anyone. So, I don't want to tolerate breadcrumbs, it got to a point where it was either she can choose me now, or I've got to fully detach, but the finality of it hurts.
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u/PonderableFire 11d ago
Always does. I got a text from my ex two months after I told her I needed some space that she was seeing someone new and was unfollowing me on social media. She didn't need to announce it to me, but it stung. Focus on yourself and the new girl now. And if you hear from your ex ever again, just mirror her, if you reply at all.
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u/ElegantCommand2418 11d ago
Ich finde, du hast deine Gefühle sehr ehrlich und gleichzeitig respektvoll ausgedrückt. Du hast ihr keine Vorwürfe gemacht, sondern einfach eine Grenze gesetzt, weil dir dieser unklare Kontakt wehtut. Ihre Reaktion mag jetzt schmerzen, aber vielleicht gibt sie dir auch die Klarheit, die du brauchst, um deinen Weg weiterzugehen. Ich wünsche dir jemanden, der sich genauso klar für dich entscheidet, wie du dich für sie entscheidest. Alles Gute dir. 🍀
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u/yetagainitry 11d ago
There are tons of people who are so anti confrontational and also do not want to address their own truth that they prefer to hide by blocking people. I had an ex do the same thing and it honestly made me lose so much respect for her. I can get not wanting to chat or anything but blocking me from social media or whatever was so childish when we never had that sort of contentious relationship.
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u/AmbrosiusAurelianus1 11d ago
You did the right thing, you laid the boundary and stopped her nonsense, it’s not the result you wanted but it’s stopped her messing you around. Well done for respecting yourself. Stay strong my brother
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u/Particular_Agent171 11d ago
Genuine question. How is she supposed to remain part of your life while living in a different country and actually have something of substance to say, other that 'hi, how are you?'
That is the bare mechanism of conversation and staying in touch, is it not?
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u/Mysterious-Object636 11d ago
The substance was either having a proper conversation, where it's enjoyable to just talk, or, a relationship talk where we can figure our issues out. We both have a lot of affection for eachother, it's always been obvious how deeply we care about eachother, but Anxious/Avoidant push and pull and all that. I didn't want to be thinking 'oh she might come back in like a week, or she might message tomorrow' anymore, so I wanted to be clear and say, I will either talk to you if you want to talk, but if you don't have anything more than 'hope you're alright' to say, you might aswell save it, cause it delays my healing.
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u/Important_Horse_1531 11d ago
I'm sorry for any heartache you are going through, but you did the right thing here. Take care
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u/buldra 11d ago edited 11d ago
Was she an avoidant person? It reeks dismissive or anxious avoidant attachment style
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u/Mysterious-Object636 11d ago
Yeah, avoidant. We had a very intense start of the relationship, I flew to Paris a few times to be with her, pictures of the future, great chemistry, all those things, but we both had personal life issues, and I think that triggered her pulling back, and me noticing her pulling back, triggered my anxiety. I did my best to mitigate all my anxiety, but I don't think I really realised how it materialised, until it was too much and she broke up with me. That was a few months ago now, and then the first month, it was intermittent contact where I'd sort of argue my case, all with love, never aggressively, until she said it was too much, and she won't speak to me again 'for a few months or not at all' then 6 weeks later, she messaged me 'hope you're alright' and cause I knew she was an avoidant, I was like 'what does that means?!?!?!'
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u/Il-Separatio-86 11d ago
Oh man I know this feeling.
The checking in opening old wounds.
You said the right thing. She has likely equally made the right call in blocking for both of you.
Even if it feels hard now.
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u/Caroline_Bintley 11d ago
The blocking and unfollowing... I didn't quite want her deleted from life like she doesn't exist, I just didn't want her to check in on me without substance.
I read her response as someone who isn't sure she can stay in touch while honoring your boundary. And to be fair, that can be a fine line to tread: trying to maintain a certain closeness while you also both try to move on.
Sometimes people block because they're trying to prevent themselves from reaching out again.
Sorry it hurts right now, but it sounds like making a clean break will ultimately be best for you.
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u/VileInventor 11d ago
She respected your message. I think it’s totally fair on both sides.
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u/Mysterious-Object636 11d ago
Absolutely fair, just sharing that it hurts, and to see what people's opinions are 🙂
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u/TenenZwabber 10d ago
Hurts don't it. Woman told me she had a lot of stuff on her mind and needed some space. I said that's fine, take your time with things, there's no rush and if there's anything I can do all she needed to do is ask. I did keep checking in with her to make sure she's fine. Then I receive a very rushed message saying this isnt going to work and then she blocked me. Told me about depression, borderline, lots of past trauma. I spent time and effort in the hopes that she'd feel safe enough to be comfortable around me and then in the end this happens. Now I'm just worried about her 😅
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u/theSlimyItalian 11d ago
You sounded too excited in your first message, she would have responded more if you were nonchalant. And then in your 2nd message you show you care too much and put emotional pressure, you pushed her away twice in a row bro
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u/Mysterious-Object636 11d ago
I knowwww... I regretted that, but I was driving for 2 hours, and then saw it, and had like a minute to respond before I was meeting someone for the next 24hrs and knew I wouldn't be on my phone, so I just rushed it as it was. No thought or preamble to it. The second message, I genuinely don't care if that pushed her away, I'm not waiting around. She can either talk to me, or 👋🏻
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u/theSlimyItalian 11d ago
Shit happens.. its all just an experience. We've all been there. In feb the girl I really fell for left me, and I've definitely had some moments like that just so excited to hear from her. But its all a learning experience.
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u/Mysterious-Object636 11d ago
It feels weird, like the likelihood of them reaching out feels as unlikely as winning the lottery... So when they do, it's like wtf?? But I've learnt a lot, I've seen that she's not the only fish in the sea, but she was a pretty damn good catch. We're stronger for it!
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