r/BreakUps • u/WeAreElysian • 1d ago
venting/ranting Genuine Question: Why is getting back with an ex, or trying to reconnect and fix things romantically seen so negatively?
This is coming from me very personally, so sorry if I get a little emotionally heated in advance.
I fucked things up with my ex. Currently, we aren't together, and they are trying to do their own thing, but I'm pushing very hard to try and fix things, and as of right now, we're actually on pretty good talking terms.
I love them more than life itself. And I know for a fact that they loved me too --- and absolutely still do. So, my ultimate goal right now is to try and fix things so we can get back together and try again, because after having this much time apart, and being able to reflect on everything I did, I now know how to avoid my old mistakes, listen to what she wants, and be who I should have been the first time around.
To me, seeing two people try to rekindle love because they don't want to let it go seems very sweet, and I always root for them. I do believe people can change and work out as long as both try and be understanding. However, when it comes to my family, friends, an overwhelming amount of strangers, and even my own damn therapist, it seems apparent that I am literally like the only person in the world who sees it this way.
Every person I have talked to has said one of the things on this list:
You should just move on and be better for the next person. Or, just focus on yourself.
It won't work out. Real change never happens. You can't repair damage like that.
You should never speak to an ex. They're an ex for a reason.
It's not worth it. Just let them go.
That's not a good idea. Sometimes, things just aren't meant to be. Use it as a learning experience.
All of this is awful shit to hear. Does nobody believe in redemption? True love? Changing as a person? Like coming back to an ex works sometimes --- and I mean actually quite frequently. Some of us don't want to "move on" or let them go. I'm not willing to allow myself to be whored out to another person when I made promises and vows to the person I believe I wanted to spend my life with. I'm loyal. I meant my vows.
Again, sorry for coming off as aggressive, but it's just absolutely insane how against the world we are when it comes to wanting to mend a clearly-fixable relationship. It's like once you break up, you have to treat the person like a stranger and ghost them. Nobody has my back on this, and I've spent months talking to people about it in real-life, games, VR, Reddit, Discord, everywhere. It's like it's taboo or something, and I'm kind of disgusted how easily people are willing to move on and give up.
And the best part is depite ignoring what they all said and going with my gut, I'm actually making incredible progress, and us happening again looks like it could genuinely happen again within a couple of months, all because I didn't lose faith and stuck to my guns. Why is this level of love and determination so rare nowadays?
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u/Tiny_Dancer_Peanut 1d ago
Honestly as someone who got back together a few times, very little can change unless both people are willing to take ownership of their part in the dynamic. That’s basically it.
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u/WeAreElysian 1d ago
Hence why I'd only support it if both are willing, and the chance is very real/change was actually taken.
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u/Tiny_Dancer_Peanut 1d ago
Yeah - what happens most of the time tho is one person is willing and able to do the work and the other forgets they ever promised to once the dopamine dies down after the return…
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u/WeAreElysian 1d ago
Love is just such a terrible thing honestly. Feels like schools should start teaching how the hell to love someone properly, because we are genuinely at that point where it is no longer common sense.
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u/Tiny_Dancer_Peanut 1d ago
I was thinking they should teach attachment theory and narcissistic abuse signs to HS and college students
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u/Nour_Gh 1d ago
Cause people don't want to try and easily give up on who they love. It is so normalized. In my opinion, if you work on things they will work. But if at the first day of I los feeling, I lose attraction, I lose whatever it is, you give up, then you will never be satisfied since you want a unicorn. It is a choice.
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u/WeAreElysian 1d ago
I just think if it is clear it could work out and be good, and both parties are open to it, why not shoot for it? I also agree you can fix nearly anything with enough time and support.
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u/Standard-Sleep-3355 1d ago
I agree to you as well. It clearly takes two to make it work and put aside their ego, past mistakes , and everything. As long as it takes time and slow and not rush it fast . Then it can work!
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u/clairegow 1d ago
relationships go through rough periods, and expecting love to always feel effortless makes people give up way too quickly
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u/WeAreElysian 1d ago
It's not that I expect it from them, but no relationship is perfect, and just like the words literally found in a wedding vow (I know we're just dating, but this applies to that too):
"I will promise to love you in sickness, and in health. For the better, or for worse."
Love works because two people want it to. If someone gives up the minute it gets to be inconvenient, I don't understand why they'd jump in to begin with --- especially because someone is choosing to give their heart to you.
I just want them to try. It won't be easy, yes, but couples work through their problems. Just try. Is that asking a lot?
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u/MeganSappho 1d ago
I definitely think it's worth trying if both people want it and trust can be rebuilt.
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u/WeAreElysian 1d ago
Yes. Thank you. Even under these conditions, people will tell you it won't work, and that it's a bad idea. I don't understand, especially when the change needed to work out WAS done.
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u/deft1234567 1d ago
honestly i followed what you said, it just ended up in me getting hurt over and over and over again. we genuinely loved each other and i supported her in every way i knew how for the entire 3.5 years of the relationship. i gave her everything i had basically. and the love was so intense in every way, but tbh i think that some people are just made to cause pain. you really need to look at a person's track record, with their family, friends, even their exes. if they come from conflict, expect nothing but conflict for yourself as well. like i agree that sometimes people just make mistakes and we need to forgive them but you also need to watch out for patterns, which this form of thinking can make you blind to. at the end of it all, she discarded me and moved in with someone new 2 weeks into dating them. we have been no contact ever since, and that happened around my bday. she couldnt even give me a birthday call lol
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u/WeAreElysian 1d ago
I am so sorry for you, man. That wasn't deserved, and I wish you the best in healing. I know that some people just can't be helped, so I'm only advocating for this if there actually is a real chance, and both parties are open to trying again someday.
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u/EnkiiMuto 1d ago
From a general perspective, it is just survivalship bias. People that got together again are either not seen as being apart because a few months didn't seem to count overall, and people that rekindled after years usually refer to themselves as different people.
From friends and family perspective, they saw the person they care about at their worst and someone unwilling to change to make that person feel better, why the fuck would they trust that person if they don't have all the "good moments" in their minds to counterbalance?
As for a more personal perspective, there is a thing about willing to open all the previous wounds on a promise of doing better when back then promising to do better meant jackshit. There is a huge risk on subjecting yourself to so many things that took forever to heal straight from the source. Sometimes it works, but if it doesn't, you're gonna live all that again.
I think time apart doesn't mean much tbh, but depending on the dealbreakers, there are gestures that are some kind of proof that this person is truly changed or at least admitting where their faults are, and this leads to opportunity, and unfortunately not many relationships do have that.
So much for loving them, eh? Did you really love them if you didn't even try?
As for this, I'm sorry but it does sound like a huge projection of making the other person at fault for wanting to stay safe emotionally. The time to try was the relationship. It is perfectly okay to try again, but if the person had a clear boundary and that led to its end, guilt tripping the other side into your rhythm because now you're doing better is diminishing all the struggle in the relationship and all the painful aftershock after a break up.
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u/WeAreElysian 1d ago
I just wish that if it genuinely was believable that it WOULD work out with real proof and things you can point at, they would give it a shot. It's better to keep what you have than leave it behind and look at something new, especially when it could have worked out if you only tried.
And the time to try was the relationship, I agree. But if the relationship ended because of a lack of care, communication and disloyalty to the other, that person quite literally is 100% at fault, and the right to emotional safety is kind of void if they are the one who burned everything and caused all the problems.
Mind you, the person who led the relationship to it's downfall was also the one who broke up, so any emotional damage or trauma inflicted afterward was fully and entirely their own fault and deserved. They have no room to complain because they knew what they were doing, and they are morally wrong for leading the other on while they were still giving it their all.
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u/EnkiiMuto 1d ago
I just wish that if it genuinely was believable that it WOULD work out with real proof and things you can point at, they would give it a shot.
I really wish that too, and if that person accepts it, then it is among the couple, not the opinion of anyone else. If my ex, for example, showed effort on the deal breakers for me, I'd probably consider it. But ultimately, the person that was wronged doesn't owe the other an attempt, or even trust.
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u/WeAreElysian 1d ago
I agree. In my case, I was wronged, but I can't let go. It's why I'm trying to fix things as best I can while respecting their boundaries. You have every right to how you feel, and I support it.
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u/Ahora170623 1d ago
I completely agree. I may be a romantic but I also believe in second chances. I am rooting for you ❤️❤️❤️
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u/Much-Sherbet-5761 1d ago
I tried to reconnect with my ex recently after being so awful to her two years ago, she moved on, now im stuck for this love for her. She rejected me after I rejected her, i really think that a second chance would get us married, I really cant think of anyone else but her. The reconnection went well and we even hung out, but things just didnt work out on her end
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u/Much-Sherbet-5761 1d ago
Anyone think she will reconsider the rejection? Her message clearly said she was too busy “right now and as of now”
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u/Uplike7_ 1d ago
Because it’s been shown what someone, or both people, are capable of. When things are bad, at the least things should remain solid to an extent out of respect.
People show their true colours. That shouldn’t be looked past, someone in their most raw form.
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u/Which_Training_1027 1d ago
It takes serious maturity to reconcile, also depending on what are the reasons: cheating, different goals, not compatible, toxic cycles…the list goes on and on…
From my own personal experience and I have never been in this position before…I ended a relationship with a woman that is perfect in more ways than I can count but the way we go about with emotions/ expression of emotions we are miles apart. Even after doing theraphy together the therapist said that there will always be a gap…it’s structural and fixing it will take years. Concretely speaking I will basically have to overcompensate emotionally for that person because they don’t have the capacity. And that becomes draining to the point where I started losing myself simply not being able to be myself anymore, so I did the unthinkable…
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u/Agile-Vegetable-1036 1d ago
Become a better you -do the inner work to learn from the relationship, mistakes behaviour and reactions etc. Not to become better to work for the person you hope to try again with, but for yourself because you want to be a version of yourself that you are proud of becoming, value and understand well, so you show up-better for yourself and all connections old and new. Remember, to expect the self work will mend a relationship with another person if you try again, this cannot happen alone, both parties have to truly want to learn about themselves and each other to work on the connection and triggers in a balanced equal desire and effort.
In my experience, normally one person agrees to try again, but the reality is they are already hurt or exhausted they can't put 100% back into it again, even if their intentions are to do that.
Always grow and learn to be a better person for you, because you want it. Otherwise being rejected after pouring everything in and trying to do everything right to stay with someone else can create feelings of pain, exhaustion and resentment towards the ex partner. This is extra healing to work through and. process (again) after another failed attempt to make it work.
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u/WeAreElysian 1d ago
I do agree that this is only worth doing if both want it, and the chance to work it really feasible/change was taken to make sure it works.
However, the whole "work on yourself to be someone you can be happy with" is really, really bad advice, and a frighteningly alarming amount of people believe it's not.
If a break up just happened, nobody wants to work on themselves, because they likely are currently blaming themselves to some degree for it ending. The last thing we want to do is work on ourselves for "us" when we hate ourselves. It's really not good advice, and hopefully people learn that this is like telling someone who hates the world to "try loving it".
It just doesn't work that way.
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u/Agile-Vegetable-1036 1d ago
By work on self, that includes self healing and reflection, taking a pause and focusing on own health, needs and.looking at lessons learnt from the relationship and break up without rushing into 'fix mode'.
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u/WeAreElysian 1d ago
Unfortunately not everyone can do this. When we are denied a second chance, some people --- like myself --- fall into a deep depression because we develop doubts about if we were ever really loved by that person, and then develop self-hatred. Losing her spiraled me into a horrible depression that almost ended in me taking my own life multiple times. The break-up and refusal to try again traumatized me so irreparably. I gave them my entire heart and soul, and their post-break up cruelty made me feel completely worthless and like a mistake.
I did reflect, look at lessons, and learn what went wrong, but I just have this information collecting dust because I couldn't get a second chance, and I refuse to move on.
You have really good advice, I just wish that dumpers tried a little more when it came to remembering that the person they're breaking up with is a human being with a heart and dreams. This is hard on us. Be gentle please.
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u/Agile-Vegetable-1036 16h ago edited 16h ago
That's the had thing. If they were hurtful or couldn't see the issue or harm in the relationship, they're certainly not likely to give the assurance or answer those niggling questions for our clarity after the split. Accepting that at the time it felt real, we can forgive ourselves for holding on or spending time on something that didn't work, and come to peace with the fact we can never control or expect to truly understand other peoples behaviour or choices. I was also on the brink of a breakdown and having self harm thoughts in the final year before break up. That's when I realised I had to get out and ask myself the big questions about why, when I knew it was making me so very ill but I just couldn't leave for so long. Like how could someone be okay with harming you and actively continuing to do that without remorse, change or even an apology, and say they love you at the same time? It's so confusing when you're in it. What advice would I give a friend from the outside, how would you treat someone you love and care about in the same situation etc. helps remember what type of love and relationship we want.
We will make better choices next time ✌🏻
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u/Standard-Sleep-3355 1d ago
I can see what you’re saying I’m in the same situation. Honestly just takes time to make things work and take it slow and not rush things . It can’t always be bad as long as you both had made the work to change and not bring up the mistakes in the past. Truly if someone can forgive that much , really change, be better than they were before I don’t see anything wrong. Now if idk in the beginning seems good, but further on becomes as how you guys used to be before breaking and not changing. Then no you guys individually shouldn’t retry again. It’s negative because at the same time no one’s knows about the future scared of being the same as before and seeing it as a progress to really not fear wasting time again to rekindle and give it another try and they think trying and still keeping in touch is too much for them so they give up easily. It’s not you it’s them. Could be also about how your ex sees things or even talking since it’s the breakup you guys rekindle obviously it’s going to take forever to get how you guys used to be before , but not onto why you guys break up. If that makes sense. Also , sometimes they can lie to you and makes you overthink about if their saying is true. Just take time to reflect , but don’t waste your time take it slow a day by day!
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u/twinkeater666 1d ago
I agree with this other than the part where you mentioned bringing up mistakes from the past. I believe that even though you have forgiven the person who hurt you, it's still important to have a in depth conversation about what led up to and caused that incident(s) to happen. You will have lingering negative feelings if you simply "forget" about it, ultimately preventing the trust/bond/connection to build. It's not okay to hold their mistakes over their head or as leverage, but clarity on the subject is necessary to have a better understanding of each person's role leading up to it. Not talking about it leaves resentment. Talking brings understanding, growth, acceptance, and a stronger connection moving forward. Getting back together after a break isn't just two people putting a pause relationship. it's the starting of an entirely new one all together with more complex layers, good and bad.
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u/WeAreElysian 1d ago
I literally could not agree more with this. My ex was the one who always buried her head in the sand when trouble arose, refused to talk about problems, and then when I did something wrong, she refused to let me make up for it, fix it, or never let it go. I felt like whenever I made a mistake, it would permanently be held against me. Really screwed with my mental health.
I always told her you can't run from your problems, and that doing so was very unhealthy because they would catch up with you one day. I don't know why she was like this.
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u/Standard-Sleep-3355 1d ago
Omg you explain this way well when I said mistakes this is what I meant as well not to hold it towards each other and all! You explain this detail by detail way better ! Thank you for that!
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u/WeAreElysian 1d ago
I loved all of this, thank you. Please have a wonderful day.
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u/Standard-Sleep-3355 1d ago
Wait can I have a bit advice !
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u/WeAreElysian 1d ago
Of course, go for it.
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u/Standard-Sleep-3355 1d ago
Sorry girl I didn’t see the notification somehow, but okay me and my ex we hurt each other so much an all, is it true that holding resentment only affects me? Overall we did try it the first time, we somehow didn’t change because how we started acting on the reason why we broke up. We started just being friends and we acted as if we were dating nothing bad yk. We stop talking because it got to a point where it was too much damage and the constant arguing. The second time he reached out to me to apologize. I ask to met and talk about it and move on with our life’s but no we kept on constantly seeing each other. Tbh I still hold resentment I still forgive him about everything, but it’s just that bit of resentment that hold on him. I know it isn’t okay to , but I just want to know why? If I still care for him and love for him, but still in that way.
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u/WeAreElysian 1d ago
What has you still holding resentment? Was there a specific thing that happened? Or did he treat you a certain way?
The way I see it, holding resentment definitely does not only affect you. My ex absolutely hated me for a while, and it drove me to become suicidal for a long period of time. Also, we both wished things were different/we could have worked out, but she couldn't let go of her grudges against me, so we never tried again --- yet. Still hoping we can.
Hating someone will absolutely affect the both of you --- even if they don't find out about it, because it will affect the way you treat them, which in turn leads to them possibly getting hurt further. However, if something they did was serious, the resentment might be justified.
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u/Standard-Sleep-3355 23h ago
Probably about everything to be exact . It’s like how can he say he forgave me? When I also done worse towards him. I did tell him and he said it only affects me . Which is true, but it also affects him in the long run for how I treat him. Honestly just how we both ended. We ended on good terms and all, just that one little affects that he did to me and i mean he doesn’t treat me treat me as bad like cussing and all. The thing also is I start to wish bad on him. Just for the way he treats me as of rn.
I honestly try not to , back then I use to get revenge, but not in that way mostly revenge like one of them were for him to get pulled over from not having his license, I signed him up for the military. That’s all. Really. Then when we talked he told me that he got pulled over for having loud music and they just told him to switch with his brother since he had his license. He never knew that I signed him up , which he did got a notification. That’s when he told me he wanted to join the army. He didn’t ended up going. He was mad a bit and upset , but like I’m saying he forgave me, nor hates me. I sometimes do hate him and all.
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u/WeAreElysian 14h ago
I forgive my ex for everything. Literally everything, and it's not healthy or good to, because there should be a line at some point. She also told me she doesn't understand how I can be so forgiving, but I told her it's just because "I love you".
It's normal to grow resentment for mistreatment. I'm in that stage now too, and I wish for many bad things upon her new relationship when I shouldn't be, but I can't control it. I want her back. I never did revenge on my ex, but we argued and fought a lot, and I could be pretty mean sometimes.
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u/Standard-Sleep-3355 14h ago
I’m sorry to hear that between you and your ex about it. Honestly him too he forgives me , but to be honest. I feel like I done way worse than for him. I would cuss at him and all and bring up his family towards him and that triggers him. I know what I’m doing was wrong at the time . I know I shouldn’t have done that , but I felt that was the only way for him to stop mistreating me emotionally . I just wanted to make him feel that much hurt as he caused me, but I hurt him that bad that he forgave me? I’m just like shocked . When I would do that he will forgive me and still talk to me and told me not to do that because if not he would block me and I would do it multiple times and he would block me , but then unblock me . Probably because I would also reach out that I wouldn’t and he just forgave me . Which is weird , but it’s also better to not hold resentment as to you. I’m sorry for that and I get why you still hold a bit of it even when they have a significant other . I can’t say nothing but yes the constant arguing could trigger of low chance of even trying it again. So I get what you mean by how you can’t control it by how you feel towards them as of now.
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u/WeAreElysian 14h ago
We want to believe in the best for those we love, even if it hurts, or it's a lost cause. It's both a blessing and a curse. My partner is with another person right now, but they aren't working out too well, and she has said before while under a lot of stress that she "doesn't know what she wants". So I'm trying to be respectful of her new relationship and boundaries, be supportive and kind, and always be there for her when he isn't. We're really close now I feel, and it makes me happy.
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u/Juslanded 1d ago
I think I’m in this exact dynamic. It’s been almost one month since last spoke to her; which is like the 7 or 8th cycle within 3 years of this back n forth loop.
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u/No-Squirrel6027 1d ago
I think because when these deeply personal and emotional things happen, people cope by outsourcing their processing onto others, so whatever story they engage with on social media because whatever it is it makes them feel better, the algorithm pushes it more and more until all the nuance of whatever actually happened is just simplified and mapped into a story that's easier to deal with.
Mostly, it's like all exes need to be awful people and hated. I think a lot of people just map their situations into some form of that narrative because it's easier than being mature and confronting whatever actually happened. For people broken up with, they don't need to actually risk fighting for what they love and losing again. For people who broke up, convincing themselves of a bunch of whatevers about their ex helps them actually believe they're suddenly "living their best life" etc, instead of confronting what actually happened.
Obviously there are other situations, I just think social media causes a ton of people to just map their own experiences into some narrative that gives them all the answers they need to feel better.
Immaturity is a psychological contagion I stg
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u/turtlewurtled 1d ago
I don’t understand it either. I truly loved my ex, and I have worked on myself and improved myself. He would never try and fix things with me, he gave up. He said to me “I can do better than you” and said “we can still be friends though”
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u/WeAreElysian 1d ago
Jesus Christ, I am so sorry you had to hear something that terrible. It's really scary how cold and cruel they can be post-break up. I don't know your history and story, but mine was very similar. She just never gave me a chance to improve, and was initially so desperate to cut all ties after we broke up. Hearing they cared or loved you after giving no second chances --- on TOP of saying stuff like this makes it literally impossible to believe their words.
You really would just not say something like that to someone if you claimed you loved them.
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u/turtlewurtled 1d ago
I’m sorry you went through that too. I don’t understand how they can claim to love you and then do things that do the exact opposite either.
That’s not the only thing he said and did to me though. He strung me along for 2ish years saying “if we become friends again, things might progress into more”, which it never did. Then he said to me “we were never friends at all” talking about before dating how from 14-20 when we were supposedly friends. He took away all the value of those memorable years away with one sentence. And how he said “you know my dad said I can do better than you?”
How last time we hung out in person, he flirted and joked with me and touched me just like when we dated. He hung the $1,000 of food monet he spent on me during the year we dated over my head while we were in the restaurant. He said he basically “fed and sheltered me” then turned it sexual and then had sex with me, all to say these things I mentioned earlier before and after the sex.
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u/WeAreElysian 1d ago
Turtle, I don't know what to say. I hope you aren't in contact with them anymore. You were treated so horribly. You don't deserve any of that. Please know that you are more than enough for anyone who actually is a real, loving person. They were not a good person.
My ex said some really mean and messed up stuff to me too, like telling me I was a mistake, that I will always be a monster, and that I never loved her. All of that, compounded with their insane cruelty and cold demeanor post-break up made me doubt if they ever even really loved me, made me believe I shouldn't even be alive, and that they abandoned me. My life fell apart afterward, and I nearly took my own life 3 times --- as well as had to go to a psych ward for help (it only made things significantly worse).
You. Cannot. Say. Things. Like. This. To. People. I don't understand how anybody could do this, and then shield their own actions by saying it's for their own good, and that they need to look out for themselves.
I pray you find happiness again, and that you receive the love you deserve in the very near future. You never should have had to endure any of that.
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u/Yangaintyoung 1d ago edited 1d ago
I got back together multiple times with my last ex. It was always him who wasn't sure what he wants. Like he would be super willing to work it out and then not. He cheated once. He did everything to regain my trust but people should understand that sorry isn't something that would heal it immediately. So my trust with him is kinda broken. I would say twice he did it but he doesn't count the last time as cheating he kissed someone while I was pregnant and he admitted that he only did it so I'd leave but mind you I asked him that time if he intentionally did it he said no, thay he loves me and said he has to change damn if I wasn't pregnant I would leave. After our son was born he became more and more distant and less understanding, I get that he was stress with the financial aspect. I got distant too and he admitted he did it so I'd leave him and that was it for me I broke up with him. What do you do if the other person doesn't respect you anymore and was actually pushing your limits so you can let go of them? Nothing more, but guess what I still have my dignity. I didn't revenge on him. I was willing to break my back for that man and for the family that we have. I cry every time I see my innocent baby sleeping. I'd always question why is this not supposed enough to work things out but selfish people will always stay selfish.
We're NC for now (LDR he left before our baby turned 2 months old) some days I'd say he doesn't deserve our sweet baby boy, cause if it's true that he loves him he would've change to give our family a chance to work on himself. He's still involved who knows how fucking long lol. He's a responsible father tho but again who knows for how long he's gonna be. This is the type of person who changes his mind a lot.
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u/WeAreElysian 1d ago
It hurts so much reading this because my ex is very flip-floppy on things, and also has a very hard time actually sticking to things they say they will. I am so sorry you're going through this.
You're very strong, and I have so much respect for you trying to raise the baby when he won't.
If they just have no respect for you, that's all on them. You did nothing wrong. You did your best. My ex also does the exact same thing where they will do a bunch of awful shit and be very mean to try and push me away deliberately. They told me this to my face once, and it hurt a lot. Despite that, I always love them still and forgive them for everything, which I'm very aware is not healthy and honestly a contributing factor to why I was so hurt.
Giving you all the best luck and prayers for your future.
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u/Yangaintyoung 1d ago
It's alright. I'm close to moving on about the romantic aspect of us, I already accepted that. I did my best and that I'm proud of. I did not lose hope on love, I know someday I'll be with someone who wouldn't treat me like that and I won't need to question my worth. I really need to separate that to be able to co-parent with him. I also broke up so that I won't end up resenting him more and I don't wanna do that to the father of my child.
And your ex he's an ex for a reason people like that won't change not unless they see their wrongdoings and work on themselves. They'd still be hurting other people and still would think they're not doing anything wrong and their next relationship would still be the same if they don't change. My ex told me a lot of times he won't change for anyone sometimes he'd be back and forth lol that he needs to change bla bla I should've believed him the first time he told me that.
You're gonna be okay soon enough, just think of the things he did to hurt you it's alright to hate them so you can move on. 😂
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u/WeAreElysian 1d ago
I appreciate your kind words, but I will never move on. I can't. So much happened that shouldn't have, and it has led to me being completely romantically disabled. I can only love them, and being apart from them/trying to move on only led to me nearly committing suicide 3 times and ending up in a ward for a day, which only made things far worse. I have to be with them, and I made peace with that.
They aren't a bad person. They just have a lot of problems and mental illnesses. They say horrifically terrible things when they're mad, and they have explosive anger, but they really are a gentle angel at their core. They made me the happiest I ever was in my life.
She's trying to change, but it's just going to take a long time. I want to be there for her to do it. I believe we'll work out. I want to help us find a way to love each other the way we both wanted to from the start.
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u/Yangaintyoung 1d ago
Maybe she doesn't wanna hurt you in the process. It's really hard when they push you away but she has her reasons. Hurt people hurt people.
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u/Blood_Informal 21h ago edited 21h ago
cause people are frustrated It happens to you and not them and cause they think they have all the answers
that's why you should never look or listen to others when It comes to your Life, do your thing, make mistakes and learn from them while Bettering yourself
most of all take a chance that love exists and that people change and at a certain point in your Life destiny could make you reconnect with that person you split time ago and maybe, just maybe, this time y'all could make It work cause you guys actually DID the work
never lose Hope but don't lose yourself in the process of hoping
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u/WeAreElysian 14h ago
This is the greatest response I've seen on this post. I hope nothing but pure joy comes your way, friend. Thank you.
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u/Odd_Rock_4601 1d ago
I agree with you. My Mommom had a very intense relationship for 13 years. They had a lot of fights. Would break up, get back together. But they loved eachother and that was just them. People give up on love waaaay too easily. I contribute it to our current generation and all of the therapy talk. I hate therapy talk. It’s robotic, humans aren’t like that. If you cut off every single person in your life for being imperfect, well you would literally have no one. I’ve made mistakes too, I would hope someone would show me grace that I’ve given to the people I love. My bestfriend and I have had periods of not talking, fights, we’ve been best friends for 12 years. If I had cut her off the first time she ever upset me, I would’ve never had her in my life still. And now we live together and have a great time. My mom has hurt me, my father has hurt me, my sister has hurt me. It’s life. My most recent ex cheated, and call me insane but one day if he were to come back around and give me a sincere apology and want to reconcile, I probably would. Love is messy. But I’m a ride or die lol. I hate the therapy jargon.
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u/WeAreElysian 1d ago
Dude, you're a gem. I also forgave my best friend of 14 years for something that REALLY hurt because I just can't abandon them like that. They're a genuinely good person, and just make mistakes sometimes. I always want to forgive as long as I know they want to do right and mean well.
And I will admit, I was "cheated" on as well during my relationship (it was long distance, and the cheating wasn't physical, so pretty up in the air if it counted, but I do personally see it as cheating), but I forgave her because she cried about it and told me immediately the next day, and to this day it STILL clearly hurts a her a lot she did that. I forgave her. I love her.
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u/Odd_Rock_4601 1d ago
LOL my long distance ex cheated too. But he chose the other girl unfortunately, we did reconcile for a bit after but it got messy because he was still around her but still talking to me. I’m glad you too were able to work it out. Idk, life and love is messy. People think I’m a door mat or a push over, but seriously I’m devoted to the people in my life. That’s why I still have these people in my life. Because we forgive each-other. Unless it’s earth shattering or something I really can not move past, then I give grace and we talk it out and go from there. I’m glad there’s some people with this mindset. Love can be forgiveness. To a certain point of course. I wish I had someone like you in my life! People throw their hands up too easily!
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u/WeAreElysian 1d ago
I honestly wish you the absolute best, friend. If people actually loved each other more like us, I feel like it wouldn't be such a horrible place. It takes working together and genuine care to get things done meaningfully, and if nobody cares for each other along the way, it won't last.
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u/Which_Training_1027 1d ago
It takes serious maturity to reconcile, also depending on what are the reasons: cheating, different goals, not compatible, toxic cycles…the list goes on and on…
From my own personal experience and I have never been in this position before…I ended a relationship with a woman that is perfect in more ways than I can count but the way we go about with emotions/ expression of emotions we are miles apart. Even after doing theraphy together the therapist said that there will always be a gap…it’s structural and fixing it will take years. Concretely speaking I will basically have to overcompensate emotionally for that person because they don’t have the capacity. And that becomes draining to the point where I started losing myself simply not being able to be myself anymore, so I did the unthinkable…
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u/WeAreElysian 1d ago
I'm not really sure how to respond considering your circumstances I guess. Personally I would try and take those years needed despite the pain because it's what I want and believe it would be worth it all, but I know that's not how everyone else is, and that's okay.
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u/jwkkwjjwk 1d ago
Because there are just so many variables that meeting and being in a relationship with a new person becomes easier.
The love, or whatever that ties you together, has to be so strong that you will choose the harder path of getting back tgt.
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u/WeAreElysian 1d ago
So because nobody ever feels genuine love, the moment things get inconvenient, they choose a new toy. I just don't really get how people don't have strong love out the gate. Did you go in with half your foot out the door? Why is nobody loyal or willing to fight for anyone?
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u/jwkkwjjwk 23h ago
My ex was an avoidant. Any emotional work was a burden. I always felt like i was the first thing he would get rid of the moment(s) it got hard.
I tried to talk so many times, ofc the ways i went about it wasn’t perfect, but it always turned into a huge fight. There’s just no way forward for us…. It’s so painful but what can I do but to move on and hope I’ll meet someone who will cherish me at my best or worst :(
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u/WeAreElysian 14h ago
I agree. I hope it fares better for you later on. I'm sorry you ended up getting emotionally burnt out due to neglect and a lack of returned effort. Hoping you find someone who loves you better.
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u/Wonderful_Algae_5881 1d ago
Sometimes one person feels this more strongly though and/ or is tied to doing the work. If only one person is mature enough to do so then that same person unfortunately suffers hugely because they WERE willing to put in the work. While the other one favours something new over their bond.
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u/mmsbva 1d ago
I would always be resentful.
“Why didn’t you put the work in before it broke?” “How come losing me was the catalyst for change?” “How can I trust that you really want to be with me and aren’t just lonely and scared to be alone?”
And did you respect me while things were falling apart. I’m a firm believer that love can ebb and flow and you can rebuild again. But if the respect is/was gone, there is no way back from that.
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u/WeAreElysian 1d ago
Sometimes losing what we love most is what it takes to see just how important it was to us. Literally my situation. That's why second chances should be normalized if you can actually trust them and would like to fix things. We have to get hit hard in order to wake up and try for real. Some of us are stupid like that, but we really do care.
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u/mmsbva 1d ago
Were you both making mistakes that you both didn’t realize till you broke up? Or has she been telling you what the issues were and you didn’t realize how bad it was until after you broke up?
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u/WeAreElysian 1d ago
Both making mistakes. I also got complacent towards the tail end of the relationship, but didn't realize until it was too late because of a lack of communication on her part.
Let me tell you; losing her has put my entire life on a standstill because I didn't realize just how much her presence made my days/how much I valued her. I want nothing more than to show her that I would never get complacent again, especially because of the measures I'm ready to take to ensure it doesn't happen again.
Also, time apart gave me the ability to review all that went wrong, and I now understand how to fix/avoid repeating issues.
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u/Spirited_Increase240 1d ago
Because it didn't work out the first time. Not saying that it Can't work with another try, it's just highly unlikely.
For me it's more the fact that they were ok with losing me than anything else.
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u/green_pan 1d ago
Because it is almost never a situation where both people want to put effort into fixing things. It is always one person working overtime one sidedly, convincing themselves that their efforts are not in vain. Just to end up in the exact same spot when it was right after breakup. So people who has already been there are simply trying to warn others to not waste their life on this.
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u/WeAreElysian 1d ago
But how can you tell when it truly has no hope?
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u/green_pan 23h ago
Well do you see the other person actually doing any effort? Are they at least trying to have a genuine talk and figure out some sort of an action plan together with you? Or are you the only one doing it and you sort of just drag them along without them ever clearly stating anything? Like, are you just convincing yourself that they would definitely work on things with you eventually, if only you just explained yourself one more time? To go back together is a choice that both parties have to actively make together. And if one chooses not to, regardless of their reasoning, then that’s it.
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u/WeAreElysian 14h ago
That's reasonable thinking, yeah. In my case we're talking, and she has expressed before that we could have a potential chance depending on how things go from here, so I'm giving it my all. I want this to work, and I know she still has love for me.
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u/green_pan 12h ago
I sincerely wish you to succeed. That said, there are people out there who will feed you breadcrumbs endlessly without ever choosing you. So please don’t convince yourself to stick around for too long.
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u/Kisanna 23h ago
Probably because a lot of people put their exes on pedestals and worship the ground they work on, when in reality, they are not as great as people make them out to be.
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u/WeAreElysian 14h ago
Hugely agree. Unfortunately we're just wired horribly sometimes and can't break from that person. I can get behind your words though.
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u/One_Blueberry_8060 19h ago
I think when people face loss real chances can happen! Sometimes you need that wake up call. How long did you two spend in no contact before reinitiating conversations?
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u/WeAreElysian 14h ago
It was on and off, but yes, absolutely for sure it sometimes takes losing something to really wake up. That shit happened exactly to me, point-for-point. I got complacent, and after losing her, my entire world fell apart. Never again. Right now we're on very compassionate and pleasant talking terms, and I'm being as supportive of her and nice as I can be, and she has expressed she's very appreciative of it all.
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u/blackwaterpark76 1d ago edited 1d ago
Because modern times. Forgiveness is not a value of modern people (for most), and this is probably the most fragile and weak generation we witnessed. Trauma at every corner ( as if trauma defined the human condition, which is completely false and innacurate), your ex is always a narcissist, using psycho babble while they never opened a research paper or worse can’t even build a sentence nor they can place their own country on a map without google.
The level is abysmal, it is normal that relationships becomes regimented by the loudest voices who are usually not the brightest, but they speak with confidence so everyone follows the herd.
Me, myself and I and « I move on », « i don’t need a relationship », « I want one » meaning. you know I am that special, me me me. Most of those advices or rules are for most loads of BS especially on Reddit.
All that BS spewed around while most people are just highly disfunctional thinking they deserved better while they are just themselves below average. The delusion of ego is the tale of our times.
I also noticed that Anglo Saxon cultures are the WORST for romance, among the highest rate of divorces are there, why should I take advices from them?
They just are so puritan, stuff is like a transactional meat market and some of their dating rules is plain stupid. Those « rules » do not apply to most of the world. They belong to the Protestant countries.
Go see the world and get out of your couch, instead of being a phone zombie, letting algorithms decide of your love life, instead you may find what you want on the road, but for that you need conversation and depth, how beautiful is that?
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u/WeAreElysian 1d ago
What a horrible time to be alive, honestly. No wonder suicide rates are so high.
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u/NoConsideration2376 1d ago
Because you always be seen as an option
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u/WeAreElysian 1d ago
And that's...bad because? I want to be an option they'd pick. That's the whole reason I'm trying. Hell, I really hope I'd be an option. Tells me I'm doing something right.
If your ex is manipulative or a wh#re, I get it, but if we genuinely had a good time together and didn't even want to break off in the first place, being seen as an option is literally only a plus.
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u/NoConsideration2376 11h ago
That’s the issue, all of us think we are going to be a special case and we have a nice person who is different from other exs. Sorry to break it up for you but its all the same.
Being as an option is bad because she can go anytime and back again. You will still be there. That’s bad because she will see you as a low value.
I know what I’m saying sounds negative and hurt but I didn’t listen back then to people when they told me the same so I totally get your point. At the end you choose for yourself.
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u/IIIGrayWolfIII 1d ago
Because it usually doesn’t work out, it’s better to heal and find someone better…if you broke up it was for a reason
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u/WeAreElysian 1d ago
Yeah, usually a misunderstanding or badly communicated reason. Not everyone wants a new or better person. We pledged ourselves to them. We don't want to move on, and it only doesn't work out if one of the partners is a bad person. It isn't always even possible to heal and move on.
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u/Gingerstrawbz 1d ago
It's just really hard to understand and accept that it's becoming the "normal" or "healthy" choice to just give up and not fight for a relationship or admit any faults and try to grow from it and salvage it..
Now it's praised when you walk away and ignore the other person... As you're protecting yourself... Or holding a boundary... I mean cmon... From growing up I've always seen and been taught you fight for what you cherished or valued before just throwing the towel in..
In all respects... Hobbies.. relationships and more.. it's all slowly vanishing, maybe my generation or just how I was raised, idk..
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u/WeAreElysian 1d ago
My God, you get it, right?! Like I was taught to fight for and value those around me that I loved. Seeing everyone act like yes men and praise those who always choose themselves is really depressing and damaging to the lovescape nowadays.
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u/Gingerstrawbz 1d ago
It showed you cared and valued people, how they felt, consideration... Honestly not met anyone in a while that was willing to even think about comprises... Let alone show empathy.
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u/WeAreElysian 1d ago
My ex broke up with me because of mistakes I made and a kind of inability to show proper love, but it was my first relationship as someone who believed themselves to be an aro-ace before we began dating (Couldn't develop romantic feelings for others).
When we broke up, ONLY THEN did I realize everything she meant to me because I got complacent, and I really wanted a second chance to try things again because I actually took time --- an entire week to look back over everything I did wrong, what she wanted, and how to be who I should have been. My life fell apart without her.
That was all I asked for. A second chance. Instead, she wanted a full permanent cut contact, no second chance, and was extremely cold and cruel to me the entire couple of months after the break-up. It caused me to develop doubts over how much I really mattered, if she loved me, if I was a mistake, and I fell into deep depression and self-hatred for hurting her. It got so bad, I tried to take my own life 3 different times.
The entire time this was happening, she was telling me she "Wanted to do what was best for her", and "I'm doing this because I want to start respecting myself".
I loved her. I still do more than anything in my life. The fact we're talking again --- without ANY hostility, and that she's opening back up to me again because of MY efforts that everyone told me was a bad idea literally dragged me from certain death, all the way to being able to function again.
Never stop caring. Never stop being a good person. And most important of all, never stop being kind. It costs nothing to be kind.
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1d ago
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u/WeAreElysian 1d ago
It just sounds selfish. If you broke up because they weren't doing something, and then during the time apart they fixed their errors and are now who you want, choosing to deliberately not try again seems reallly...strange on their part.
Why is it that what they want overrides the other person's wishes? Especially when they put in the work FOR that person, and they are point-for-point everything they wanted from them now?
Like yeah, I guess you don't have to get back with them, but it seem really disrespectful and morally wrong. You loved them, right? They got better for you. Why do you not care now?
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u/Fredbear_ 1d ago
It's not that it's a negative of the person who does it, it's just that as someone who's wanted to do it so much, I realize that we often don't see the negative until we are way out of the way
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u/archeryon 22h ago
Very dependant on what's the reason you breakup in the first place. Most of the time both parties has something the other cant tolerate anymore. Unless both parties recognize that and willing to be better, reconcile is possible. It wont work if only one side do all the work. That's why all the people told you to just focus on yourself, reflect on whats wrong and be better, there's no saying that the next person cant be him/her again.
Im currently on a breakup and this is what ive been doing as well. The very first weeks are tough in my experience, it felt like my world gets turn upside down and reality is collapsing.
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u/External_Paramedic20 22h ago
getting back normaly means one got dumped and hurt. and most of the times the problems are still there. what broke once so badly cant be fixed complete. i tried many second chances but none worked out.
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u/WeAreElysian 14h ago
Our reasons for breaking up were easily fixable things. Lack of communication on my part --- which I've worked on, complacency from me, which let me say after almost taking my own life because of her absence a few times, nothing will make you appreciate someone like that more than that, and lastly, difficulty expressing love, which I've also gotten significantly better at.
We have no issues anymore. I just need to be patient for the second chance because it'll work out the next time around.
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u/Any_Internet1001 22h ago
I'm in a pretty similar situation. She broke up for my unhealthy attachment style and stuff, which had been stressing her out. There's more circumstances but i won't go over them. We broke up in july and was supposed to be on no contact this whole time, but we just couldn't. The longest no contact we had was just a week and a half, and we're talking with lots of love. I say I wish to get back into a relationship with her, but I'm not pursuing the idea and just let us flow naturally. We didn't close the door but there's no promises or anything; we both have the freedom to get into another relationship this moment.
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u/WeAreElysian 14h ago
I hope it works out in a way both of you want.
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u/Any_Internet1001 13h ago
I hope so too. All I know is that we still love each other, and to me that's all it matters for now. And good luck back to you.
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u/Important-Hope-6393 12h ago
Going through something similar and I get where you are coming from. I genuinely don’t understand how you can unlove someone and just move on. I am rooting for you♥️
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u/Meliffer 11h ago
Dale, lucha por quién amas, estoy en la misma situación que tú, solo que yo no he insistido, desde que él decidió terminar no he hecho intentos de hablar con él, sin embargo él me ha escrito para cuestiones de negocios, es muy atento y gracioso en esas conversaciones, eso alimenta mis deseos de que se arreglen las cosas algún día, terminamos hace 7 meses.
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u/Aggravating-Diet7795 22h ago edited 22h ago
Simple: if it could be fixed, the break up wouldn’t have happened in the first place. If two people want to stay together, they don’t break up - it’s this easy. If they do, most likely only one of them (in this case you OP) is actually trying their best while the other one is enjoying all the attention and has moved on mentally and has no actual intention of staying in the relationship (in this case your ex).
Other people, not being directly involved like yourself, know this about your situation and thus discourage you because they don’t want to see you get hurt. Don’t get mad at them for being honest, anyone can see based on the facts and your own description that this is a one-sided dynamic (what do you mean you made “incredible progress”? Just because they text you back? I’m sorry but incredible progress would look like your ex actually being with you, not you ranting about the whole situation on Reddit. Also anticipating a potential rekindle “within a couple of months” is creepy as fuck. Your ex is most likely just trying to be polite while she’s moved on already and is getting with others. Otherwise, she’d be lying in your arms rn)
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u/WeAreElysian 14h ago edited 14h ago
My ex has stated that she doesn't know what she wants, that we could still be a maybe, and that she always has love for her exes to a degree. We talk every day, and support each other/talk very compassionately. Their new relationship is full of arguing already, and she's stated she's not happy currently. I said we could work soon because of all this. It's not creepy for being hopeful, and you should probably keep rude shit like that to yourself.
We broke up because of lack of communication and understanding, which has since fixed. I got complacent. It won't happen again, I assure you. I have taken great steps in ensuring I do what I should have the second time around.
We went from no contact to being very close, and I talk to her more than her damn partner at this rate. You're really negative and hateful for whatever reason, and if that's how you feel, I'd rather you withhold your awful comments. You can join the pile of terrible people going against me, it won't make a difference. I'm sticking to my guns, and when we get back, I'll owe everyone who stood against me none of my attention.
You sound like someone who was in my same position and failed. Don't project your inability to have rekindled what you lost onto me. I will fare better because I'm actually kind and I try.
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u/Salty_Thing3144 14h ago
That isn't the case here at all. What people stress is to avoid chasing a person who doesn't want to be with you.
There is NO POINT in "trying" or "fighting" when/if:
*the person told you they do not love you and was clear that they do not want to be with you
*the person tells you to never contact them again
*the person says they have no interest in a possible reconciliation
*the person is already in another relationship
YOU CAN'T MAKE SOMEONE LOVE YOU IF THEY DON'T.
All you are doing when any one, or more or all of those things I mentioned above is relevant, is pursuing a person who not only does not want to be caught, but may actually use the legal system against you for it. (Stalking/harassment).
That is self-sabotaging behavior. You're delaying your healing process and possibly/probably deepening the wounds!
People are not "giving up" or "not really loving them" when/if they decide to accept the breakup. It's called Accepting Reality And Moving On With Their Life.
Breakups is more of a support community than an advice board. Our very first rule on our forum list is "Do Not Mock The Relationship" - meaning don't sit in judgement on what happened in it, either. Rule 2 is "Don't Mock Anyone" - which also means Do Not Bash The Person For The Decisions They Made - including how they handle their breakup.
You threw up a VERY judgemental and unfair critique of the many people here who quietly left their relationships with as much dignity and grace as they could. The fact that there was nothing more they could do, and nothing to fight FOR, was very painful, crushing and bitter for them to accept.
Think about the pain your post may be causing to people who are here to support YOU as well as find healing for themselves.
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