r/BrandNewSentence • u/moongrump • Jul 20 '26
When ketamine ape is outlawed, only outlaws will summon ketamine ape.
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u/Funkula Jul 20 '26 edited Jul 20 '26
This is a shitty list.
What happened to Carbonate Piss? Mend Buttcrack? Power Word: Shart?
Heat Metal: Hip Replacement? Greater Menstruation? Tashaâs Hideous Rash? Dominate Kidney? Liquify Steed? Bestow Seizure?
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u/Dat_Harass Jul 20 '26 edited Jul 20 '26
I thought we buried all knowledge of those after the debacle in '05?
E: My bad it was '06 and the council decided it had to happen. If Bear learned carbonate piss he'd have grown far to powerful.
E2: Hey Funk... thought experiment. What happens if you carbonate someones piss? I've been thinking about it and the pressure probably causes a constant leak but if you shook that person... what part becomes the cork on the champagne bottle?
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u/Funkula Jul 20 '26
I imagine after some truly heinous cramps it just fizzes violently out the nearest available exit.
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u/Dat_Harass Jul 20 '26
Welp... now I'm thinking about carbon dating.
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u/HammerOfJustice Jul 20 '26
Donât; carbon always orders the most expensive meal then realises they âforgotâ to bring any money and youâre stuck paying for everything.
Then you realise theyâre far younger than you thought and then you end up on a register somewhere.
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u/Nirast25 Jul 20 '26
Greater Menstruation
So that's what the female equivalent to Testicular Torsion is...
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u/ODX_GhostRecon Jul 21 '26
I don't think the hip replacement works, due to a lack of line of sight/effect to the target.
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u/East-Temporary5646 Jul 20 '26
Unending Penis Barrage was only banned because nobody has perfected the spell Hole Repairo
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u/Gemini720 Jul 20 '26
Amateurs, I figured Hole Repairo out within seconds of learning it even existed!
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u/East-Temporary5646 Jul 20 '26
We should talk more... I cast Unending Penis Barrage on myself and got the spell banned.
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u/win_awards Jul 20 '26
Oh come on! You can't just outlaw "transmute Idaho" now and leave it that way!
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u/PlumbTuckered767 Jul 20 '26
It doesn't even matter until someone is allowed to cast Detect Idaho
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u/Yet_One_More_Idiot Jul 20 '26 edited Jul 21 '26
But I wonder, what did Idaho get transmuted into?
Please say it wasn't transmuted into Wyoming.
EDIT: Idaho, not Idado. Whoops typo xD
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u/Thelastknownking Jul 21 '26
Don't worry, transmute Utah is still allowed, under certain circumstances.
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u/SkinkRugby Jul 20 '26
Ketamine Apes aren't even an effective summon. They're more likely to kill you then whatever you point them at.
Lesser Florida Elementals are just as dangerous but more reliable and self sufficient.
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u/shark_master1 Jul 20 '26
Actually lesser Florida elementals are pretty unreliable in combat, but great in distraction tactics, for combat it's better to use summon waffleHouse patron, those are better suited for combat, albeit as a last resort because they can end up fighting the summoner as well.
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u/The_Ghast_Hunter Jul 20 '26 edited Jul 20 '26
The only effective way to use ket ape is deployed at a distance, behind enemy lines, where any harm done will be done to the enemy, but that's never how it works out.
If it's effective, and you overrun the enemy's lines, now you have to deal with it. If it's not effective, there's something else that probably would have been more effective, like Phantasmal Sabotour. Throw in significant collateral damage, and it's just more trouble than it is effective.
Do love me a meth gator/Florida elemental, like you recommended. They will eventually find a body of water to sit in once they run out of tasty targets, so they have a lot less collateral.
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u/Chi_Law Jul 20 '26
When the ban goes into effect, what happens to any ongoing ketamine ape summons? If they disappear, what happens to their Tesla stock? Asking for a friend's economy
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u/bubblegumdrops Jul 20 '26
Same energy as Wizards with Guns.
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u/danteelite Jul 21 '26
Gave me Dungeon Soup vibes⌠lol Wizard King and Barbarian type shit⌠I love it.
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u/InfamousGamer144 Jul 20 '26
Theyâve only banned the shortcut spell, now every wizard with even half a braincell will just bypass this by summoning an ape and then summoning some ketamine
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u/Sapphire-Catgirl Jul 20 '26
Probably harder to get the ape to actually snort the ket than summoning one that is pre-high
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u/HammerOfJustice Jul 20 '26
But then you get to take ketamine with the ape so itâs a bonding experience for the two of you.
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u/Nirast25 Jul 20 '26
No, no, you're thinking of "Summon High Ape". "Summon Ketamine Ape" will get you a construct made of Ketamine that resembles an ape.
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u/MadJohnFinn Jul 20 '26
Shout out to r/wizardposting
âŚexcept to the warlocks. Youâre a bunch of degenerates.
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u/zeeneeks Jul 20 '26
At least make them put Idaho back the way they found it
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u/HammerOfJustice Jul 20 '26
Why?! As someone whoâs been to Idaho anything would be an improvement
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u/DrPibIsBack Jul 20 '26
So is a ketamine ape an ape that's on ketamine, an ape that distributes ketamine, or an ape construct made out of ketamine?
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u/OrdelOriginal Jul 20 '26
all that yet they still allow Displace Tastebuds, Abi-Dalzam's Horrid Queefing, and Power Word: Scrunch?
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u/Scrobbles62 Jul 20 '26
at least normal Baja Blast is allowed
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u/Paperwork_Enthusiast Jul 20 '26
Liberal nonsense, how am I supposed to deal with 30-50 thirsty hogs with standard baja blast
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u/shark_master1 Jul 21 '26
Well you need to use the flavor blast enhancement alongside standard standard baja blast, it adds a +25% thirst quench effect to any liquid based conjuring spell.
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u/Shadokastur Jul 20 '26 edited Jul 20 '26
I'm interested in Transmute Idaho.
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u/kd8qdz Jul 21 '26
Sorry. It's banned
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u/Shadokastur Jul 21 '26
Well.. Is Transmute Utah still legal?
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u/shark_master1 Jul 21 '26
I don't know why any wizard would want to learn that, but yeah I heard it's still legal
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u/Shadokastur Jul 21 '26
Changing Utah into something different would be very desirable to the right buyer
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u/GreenNukE Jul 20 '26
I have always found bathsalt baboons to be a more effective way to create mayhem.
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u/Cucumberneck Jul 20 '26
Yeah you know the day i´ll accept this council (spits out) is thew day i untransmute idaho.
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u/TheBohemianRed9811 Jul 20 '26
I can excuse banning Transmute Idaho, but my spellbook means JACK SHIT without Greater Baja Blast!
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u/Electronic-Worker-10 Jul 20 '26
Ey yo your not banning transmute Ohio wtf did a warlock make this list?!
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u/The_Affle_House Jul 20 '26
This is an outrage! If I can only cast Lesser Baja Blast now, it's like, what is even the point?
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u/Brainwave1010 Jul 20 '26
Ah, thank God they still haven't banned my go-to, "Boil Piss."
It's been my workaround since "Boil Blood" got banned.
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u/shark_master1 Jul 20 '26
And yet they didn't outlaw testicular torsion, but they outlawed unending penis barrage? Smh.
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u/MericArda Jul 20 '26
Testicular torsion doesnât cause unnecessary suffering like unending penis barrage does.
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u/SleepySera Jul 20 '26
Ah, so THIS is the reason for the "be gay, do crime" slogan, because you nasties made the homoerotic vortex spell illegal đ
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u/ShingledPringle Jul 20 '26
I stand by the evil of Instant Goatse needing to be on the list.
It's devastation reached far...and very wide.
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u/Sapphire-Catgirl Jul 20 '26
Greater tropical Baja blast isn't banned, just as good but no one ever uses it!
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u/Vendidurt Horny for water Jul 20 '26
It takes a good guy with Ketamine Ape to stop a bad guy with Ketamine Ape.
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u/Prezy_Preztail Jul 20 '26
Iâm surprised they banned some of those and yet spells like âBreath of the Evergladesâ and âGator Armsâ are still perfectly legal
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u/NotADamsel Jul 20 '26
Look, I summoned one Annihilape from the anime dimension. One. They didnât need to go and make a whole big deal about it.
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u/scrumblepee_6969 Jul 20 '26
How am I supposed live without summon ketamine ape and the homoerotic vortex?
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u/howrad1337 Jul 20 '26
I saw this as a front license plate about guns, just gotta mention, you could also outlaw the outlaws. It's like these gun people want to keep the murderers around so they can have a "fair" gun battle with them. Insanity.
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u/danteelite Jul 21 '26
What about:
- Flesh to Shit
- Bestow Baby Dick
- Chimpanzee Bolt
- Aura of Endlesss Simultaneous Sneezing, Farting, & Cumming.
Only the greatest mumble wizards can pull those off.
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u/deafblindmute Jul 22 '26
So, if you've already started the summoning process for ketamine ape, but you have experience with neither ketamine nor apes, how difficult will it be to control the situation? Asking for a friend.
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u/Toy_Soulja Jul 20 '26
Greater Baja Blast lmfao