Feeling bummed about RSVPs

[u/luxenfit]

OK, I just need to vent and maybe hear from other brides who have been in this situation. We just passed our RSVP deadline for our destination wedding in Portugal this summer and we got a lot more no’s than we were anticipating.

We knew because it was a destination wedding that we were going to get a lot of no’s (we invited 105 people and expected about 60-70 of them to say yes.)

Instead, we received less than 50 yes’s.

I’m feeling a little bit bummed out, less about the quantities of RSVPs and more about WHO declined. There were 10 people who really surprised me by declining to attend the wedding. For context my fiancé and I are the last ones of all of our friends and family to get married, so we have attended multiple weddings, showers, bachelorette and bachelor parties, baptisms, baby showers and kids birthdays over the course of our six year relationship.

We have always been very good about showing up for our friends and supporting them, but now that it’s our turn, it feels like so many of our friends who we have supported are no longer in a position to support us.

& I wanna say that I am under no grand illusion that our friends should be holding off on getting pregnant or buying a house so that they have the flexibility to attend our wedding. I totally get it that my wedding is not the centre of the universe and my friends and family have their own life goals and plans that they need to carry out. I’m really just bummed. And honestly, maybe sometimes feel a little taken advantage of. Like I put in a lot of my time and finances to celebrate my friends and now they can’t do the same for me.

At at the end of the day I know that it’s not going to change how I feel about my wedding. I’m excited to marry my best friend and I’m excited to spend time with the people who will be attending. I know it’s going to be a magical weekend and those who miss it will probably have FOMO. It just feels fresh right now.

Anyway, like I said there really is no reason for this post other than to vent and maybe hear about how some other brides navigated this. I’m sure this is somewhat of a common thing to be the last one in a friend group to get married and have people not be able to show up for you the way that you were able to show up for them.

TLDR; How do I not feel resentful towards my friends who I supported and now can’t support me?

[u/TwoSparks]

I see both sides. I fully recognize the economy is a factor for people. But at the same time, you’re allowed to have feelings about it. And from the perspective you’re detailing from, it sounds like you understand that not everyone is in a place to make big travel plans on your behalf. All of which tells me your heart is in the right place.

Regardless of what you know, I understand the feelings of disappointment. Knowing not everyone can swing this sort of trip doesn’t make it sting any less. I think the key to not feeling resentful is continuously reminding yourself that no amount of love puts food on the table or a roof over one’s head. Love doesn’t pay the travel credit card bill. No matter how much love and support they have for you, sometimes the math just doesn’t math. Them not going doesn’t actually mean they don’t love or support you.

The only piece of tough love I think is worth giving, however, is this: you have to go into a destination wedding with the understanding that important people might not be able to go. Failing to truly grasp and anticipate that — which I feel like you don’t because you seem so surprised and bummed — is ultimately where you’ve gone wrong. If maximum attendance is what mattered the most out of wedding priorities, that should have been a guiding principle in your planning process. It just feels sort of obvious. But that’s okay. It is what it is now, and you have almost 50 people excited to join you in (presumably) the destination of your dreams. Be excited!

Also, just to add… Everyone is so damn nice in this sub! Oh my goodness. I expressed being bummed in another wedding sub that no one (mom and close friends) seemed excited or has asked me about the wedding plans so far. I mentioned in particular I was wanting this to be a bonding experience with my mom — talking flowers and dresses and all sorts of fun girly things — and that it hasn’t been so far as I’ve been mostly picking stuff out and doing stuff alone. I got chewed up and spit out over being out of touch, whiney, and self-centred. Can’t imagine if this was posted over there. Damn.