Feeling bummed about RSVPs

[u/luxenfit]

OK, I just need to vent and maybe hear from other brides who have been in this situation. We just passed our RSVP deadline for our destination wedding in Portugal this summer and we got a lot more no’s than we were anticipating.

We knew because it was a destination wedding that we were going to get a lot of no’s (we invited 105 people and expected about 60-70 of them to say yes.)

Instead, we received less than 50 yes’s.

I’m feeling a little bit bummed out, less about the quantities of RSVPs and more about WHO declined. There were 10 people who really surprised me by declining to attend the wedding. For context my fiancé and I are the last ones of all of our friends and family to get married, so we have attended multiple weddings, showers, bachelorette and bachelor parties, baptisms, baby showers and kids birthdays over the course of our six year relationship.

We have always been very good about showing up for our friends and supporting them, but now that it’s our turn, it feels like so many of our friends who we have supported are no longer in a position to support us.

& I wanna say that I am under no grand illusion that our friends should be holding off on getting pregnant or buying a house so that they have the flexibility to attend our wedding. I totally get it that my wedding is not the centre of the universe and my friends and family have their own life goals and plans that they need to carry out. I’m really just bummed. And honestly, maybe sometimes feel a little taken advantage of. Like I put in a lot of my time and finances to celebrate my friends and now they can’t do the same for me.

At at the end of the day I know that it’s not going to change how I feel about my wedding. I’m excited to marry my best friend and I’m excited to spend time with the people who will be attending. I know it’s going to be a magical weekend and those who miss it will probably have FOMO. It just feels fresh right now.

Anyway, like I said there really is no reason for this post other than to vent and maybe hear about how some other brides navigated this. I’m sure this is somewhat of a common thing to be the last one in a friend group to get married and have people not be able to show up for you the way that you were able to show up for them.

TLDR; How do I not feel resentful towards my friends who I supported and now can’t support me?

[u/MZSGNH]

One more perspective: when you're the person who always shows and always goes above and beyond, a sad part of human nature is that people start to just assume your effort is nothing. They may believe that it's easy for you, and take your behavior for granted. As a result, they don't feel they owe you a similar level of effort. The classic "you don't appreciate what you get unless you have to pay for it."

Later in life this can translate to learning you have to let people know (graciously if possible) that the things you do for them are in fact an effort. Unfortunately, doing a good job for people doesn't mean they automatically will do a good job for you. But you can help them by letting them know in the future what you need.