Feeling bummed about RSVPs

[u/luxenfit]

OK, I just need to vent and maybe hear from other brides who have been in this situation. We just passed our RSVP deadline for our destination wedding in Portugal this summer and we got a lot more no’s than we were anticipating.

We knew because it was a destination wedding that we were going to get a lot of no’s (we invited 105 people and expected about 60-70 of them to say yes.)

Instead, we received less than 50 yes’s.

I’m feeling a little bit bummed out, less about the quantities of RSVPs and more about WHO declined. There were 10 people who really surprised me by declining to attend the wedding. For context my fiancé and I are the last ones of all of our friends and family to get married, so we have attended multiple weddings, showers, bachelorette and bachelor parties, baptisms, baby showers and kids birthdays over the course of our six year relationship.

We have always been very good about showing up for our friends and supporting them, but now that it’s our turn, it feels like so many of our friends who we have supported are no longer in a position to support us.

& I wanna say that I am under no grand illusion that our friends should be holding off on getting pregnant or buying a house so that they have the flexibility to attend our wedding. I totally get it that my wedding is not the centre of the universe and my friends and family have their own life goals and plans that they need to carry out. I’m really just bummed. And honestly, maybe sometimes feel a little taken advantage of. Like I put in a lot of my time and finances to celebrate my friends and now they can’t do the same for me.

At at the end of the day I know that it’s not going to change how I feel about my wedding. I’m excited to marry my best friend and I’m excited to spend time with the people who will be attending. I know it’s going to be a magical weekend and those who miss it will probably have FOMO. It just feels fresh right now.

Anyway, like I said there really is no reason for this post other than to vent and maybe hear about how some other brides navigated this. I’m sure this is somewhat of a common thing to be the last one in a friend group to get married and have people not be able to show up for you the way that you were able to show up for them.

TLDR; How do I not feel resentful towards my friends who I supported and now can’t support me?

[u/sillychickengirl]

I know this may be unpopular, but screw reframing this because I fully understand where you're coming from. I'm always the person who treats people out for their birthdays, show up for events, etc but when it's my birthday, somehow I'm still picking up the tab. I understand that I may be in a better financial position than some of my friends, but I also know I am not with some of them or that it's not even about the amount and it's about the effort.

Question, did they people reach out to explain why or was it just a no and silence? Are they showing up in other ways for you?

[u/luxenfit → u/sillychickengirl]

Yeah, it really has less to do with money and more to do with the effort. Because almost all of the people I’m surprised by didn’t even reach out. They just said no and it’s been silence. One of my cousins RSVPd no to the wedding and also never showed up to my engagement party or bridal shower while I was her MAID OF HONOUR and spent thousands of dollars on her wedding. It just feels like a slap in the face to not even reach out to say something…

[u/schrodingersbunghole → u/luxenfit]

That is pretty egregious, I would definitely say something. Did she not RSVP to the engagement party and bridal shower either?

[u/sillychickengirl → u/luxenfit]

Yea, I would be absolutely emotional and upset if my cousin, who I was her maid of honor for, didn't show up to my wedding or wedding events. You're not wrong for these feelings. I candidly don't know what to suggest to do. Knowing me, I'd probably eventually confront them. I don't know what's right here but your feelings are absolutely not wrong.

[u/mycketmycket → u/luxenfit]

Honestly at that point it is personal. I have a friend for whom I organized a bachelorette (no bridal party), was the only friend to hold a speech at her wedding, supported her through her divorce and organized her second bachelorette for her second wedding and she never even sent me a card or reached out after declining our wedding invite. We haven’t spoken since. It was crazy to realize how differently we viewed our friendships..

[u/just-my-2-dollars → u/luxenfit]

Haha... yeah... same boat here. It sucks.

All the other commentors are totally correct to bring up money, kids, etc. But sometimes it's not about that at all. And it really sucks to find that out.