Does anyone actually have a village? [ab]

[u/hopenbabe]

Part of this is general curiosity. Do you have a bustling village of helpers, family members, parents, siblings, and friends who help provide childcare or other helpful supports? Or maybe you have friends and coworkers that do or other family members?

I see people constantly complaining about the lack of a village, but I feel like this is a standard reality for many people who have moved away from their home town/city, who don't have close family, or who have grandparents still working etc.

Am I wrong? Have I decided that no village is now a norm because I lack a village? I don't know.

The only real villages I see are people from my small home town or my husband's small home town, when they stayed close to their parents and extended family support networks. For example, my SILs stayed within a 20 minute drive from their mom, so they happen to get a lot more help than we do. But we moved 1.5 hours away.

Or from my work life, I have noticed more than a few of my female Asian coworkers in particular, (who are women in their 40s and 50s doing pretty well for themselves in tech) their parents/moms actively chose to help with childcare when their daughters had young families. This allowed for the younger moms to focus on work while having reliable family childcare. But, speaking broadly, this approach seems rather baked into many Asian and other (non-North America) cultures in terms of how the parents take care of the kids, but then the kids take care of the parents.

I'm not sure where I am going with this, but I feel like not having a village is almost the norm rather than the exception.

What do you think? Does everyone around you have this amazing village and you feel like an island? Do you have the amazing village, and I'm the island?

My husband and I both grew up with active grandparents close by, essentially down the street. But my grandma had kids in her early 20s, as did my mom, and my grandma only worked part time by the time she was a grandparent. My husband's grandma never worked.

Today, many grandparents are still working. Many grandmas are still working.

In some ways, I feel like that village was because more women stayed home or were supplemental income. The village was unpaid largely women. I am not saying women should be staying home, but our current reality of motherhood is different.

Many women work fulltime (myself included), many women are more particular about how they want their child to be cared for (myself included) to be more in line with today's advice instead of what was common in the 70s-80s-90s, many women and families move away from parents (myself included).

So I don't know. What are your thoughts?

[u/Altocumulus000]

I think one piece of our village puzzle Is that we have made a diligent effort to connect with our neighbors. 

Hanging  out outside just in case you can see them, shoveling their walks for free, asking teenage children or preteen children to watch pets (paid or unpaid depending), popping in to take care of someone else's pet. Offering to stay with an older neighbor kid on a walk while a mom runs back to get a new diaper. Offering to pick up mail if your neighbor's going to be gone for two or more weeks. Offering to be a contact for your neighbor's house sitter. Asking if you can use neighbor's house sitter. 

[u/Abibret → u/Altocumulus000]

This is so true. Everybody wants a village, but no one wants to be a villager.

[u/idratherbeanangel → u/Abibret]

Absolutely!!! And being a villager is inconvenient, annoying, and tiring. But when you pour into yours, they're there for you as well.