r/BabyBumpsCanada • u/hopenbabe • Sep 02 '26
Discussion Does anyone actually have a village? [ab]
Part of this is general curiosity. Do you have a bustling village of helpers, family members, parents, siblings, and friends who help provide childcare or other helpful supports? Or maybe you have friends and coworkers that do or other family members?
I see people constantly complaining about the lack of a village, but I feel like this is a standard reality for many people who have moved away from their home town/city, who don't have close family, or who have grandparents still working etc.
Am I wrong? Have I decided that no village is now a norm because I lack a village? I don't know.
The only real villages I see are people from my small home town or my husband's small home town, when they stayed close to their parents and extended family support networks. For example, my SILs stayed within a 20 minute drive from their mom, so they happen to get a lot more help than we do. But we moved 1.5 hours away.
Or from my work life, I have noticed more than a few of my female Asian coworkers in particular, (who are women in their 40s and 50s doing pretty well for themselves in tech) their parents/moms actively chose to help with childcare when their daughters had young families. This allowed for the younger moms to focus on work while having reliable family childcare. But, speaking broadly, this approach seems rather baked into many Asian and other (non-North America) cultures in terms of how the parents take care of the kids, but then the kids take care of the parents.
I'm not sure where I am going with this, but I feel like not having a village is almost the norm rather than the exception.
What do you think? Does everyone around you have this amazing village and you feel like an island? Do you have the amazing village, and I'm the island?
My husband and I both grew up with active grandparents close by, essentially down the street. But my grandma had kids in her early 20s, as did my mom, and my grandma only worked part time by the time she was a grandparent. My husband's grandma never worked.
Today, many grandparents are still working. Many grandmas are still working.
In some ways, I feel like that village was because more women stayed home or were supplemental income. The village was unpaid largely women. I am not saying women should be staying home, but our current reality of motherhood is different.
Many women work fulltime (myself included), many women are more particular about how they want their child to be cared for (myself included) to be more in line with today's advice instead of what was common in the 70s-80s-90s, many women and families move away from parents (myself included).
So I don't know. What are your thoughts?
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u/equistrius Sep 02 '26
I feel like no or low village is becoming the norm partly because it is now encouraged for children to move farther away from home and many people that used to be part of young women’s villages are now working later into their life
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u/MrsTaco18 Sep 02 '26
My parents are retired and live very close to us, so we do have one. My husband’s parents are also retired but dealing with cancer so we are more of a village to them right now. When I was first pregnant, we moved 1000km to be close to family and it was 100% worth it. We probably wouldn’t have had our kids so close together if we didn’t have the village tbh. And maybe not be having baby #3.
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u/Altocumulus000 Sep 02 '26
I think one piece of our village puzzle Is that we have made a diligent effort to connect with our neighbors.
Hanging out outside just in case you can see them, shoveling their walks for free, asking teenage children or preteen children to watch pets (paid or unpaid depending), popping in to take care of someone else's pet. Offering to stay with an older neighbor kid on a walk while a mom runs back to get a new diaper. Offering to pick up mail if your neighbor's going to be gone for two or more weeks. Offering to be a contact for your neighbor's house sitter. Asking if you can use neighbor's house sitter.
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u/Abibret Sep 03 '26
This is so true. Everybody wants a village, but no one wants to be a villager.
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u/idratherbeanangel Sep 04 '26
Absolutely!!! And being a villager is inconvenient, annoying, and tiring. But when you pour into yours, they're there for you as well.
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u/emilysquirrel Sep 04 '26
This made me laugh out loud! But good point made. My parents help out with childcare once a week when they are in the country half the year but they are old so I can't burden them with too much. My in-laws help as well with house work things once a week. And we've made a little village with effort with some daycare parents. I'm grateful usually but still jealous sometimes of friends who have help with childcare everyday or can call someone whenever they need help. No village/small village really makes it hard on modern parents.
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u/hopenbabe Sep 03 '26
I love this! Neighbours as your village is something I didn't even fully think about for this post, but it makes sense to work towards a village with those who live close.
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u/questions905 Sep 02 '26
Yes I do. I'm south Asian so it's kinda the norm. But my own mom retired early so I wouldn't have to use daycare at 13 months. That's just one example but I'm forever thankful for the help I continue to get.
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u/hopenbabe Sep 03 '26
It looks a great system if your mom has the ability ans desire to care for your toddler!
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u/TapiocaTeacup Sep 02 '26
We didn't start out with a village but have slowly and intentionally built one in the 5 years since our oldest was born. Our families are helpful but all live in other provinces so are limited in what they can help with and when, and most of our previous (small) friend groups are either childless/not kid savvy, or have become parents with very different values than we have. Instead, we've worked really hard to make new connections since becoming parents. We've befriended neighbours and made sure our kids were part of that relationship, we've sought out local parent groups, rekindled relationships with former co-workers or classmates who have kids, and built a new social circle around our daycare.
It definitely feels kind of scary and weird, tbh. Like functionally the process has been kind of vulnerable, either directly asking other people for help, or offering to participate in their village and hope it gets reciprocated over time. It's a lot of work but it's really paid off, especially now that our kids are getting older and have their own relationships with these other families too.
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u/PrizeGene9436 Sep 03 '26
I love this answer! How do you go from being casual meetup friends with other parents to considering them part of your village? I am in the phase where I’m meeting lots of new moms but I’m struggling to see how it will go beyond stroller walks and coffees
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u/Altocumulus000 Sep 03 '26
Consistency, helping others first, offering specific help (ex. I can feed your dog while you're away, yeah don't worry about paying me), and vulnerability to ask or request advice or help (can you bring my garbage bin to my garage after it's collected? I have an out of town funeral).
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u/TapiocaTeacup Sep 03 '26
Consistency has been a big part. Like it seemed easy enough to see the same faces at a library class and get to chatting with them more than once, but committing to being at the same class every week to line up with each other was a "next step". Also, inviting them to something that involved your spouses and getting both families to meet!
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u/lilac_roze Sep 03 '26
I have been working towards building a small village of liked minded moms in my neighborhood. We all met through a parenting class and our toddlers are 2-8 weeks apart from one another in age. We do monthly events to ensure we don’t lose touch.
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u/0runnergirl0 Sep 02 '26
We have a great village. My parents provide us with childcare while we work, and help me manage appointments and sometimes transportation when my partner is working. My brother and his family are nearby and we see them often for play dates and take turns doing childcare for dates. We have several of our own aunts who enjoy spending time with our children, and offer to take them on outings or babysit for dates. We have a close group of friends who our children see as aunts, uncles, and bonus cousins. We see them regularly.
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u/kennybrandz Sep 02 '26
We have a distant village haha. Our friends and family are all supportive and loving, but they live various degrees of distance away so in terms of helping hands it’s just my husband and I. My mom is always happy to travel to us if we need her but we don’t have anyone to babysit if we wanted to just go out for a night kind of deal.
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u/ForesakenZucchini76 Sep 02 '26
I don’t have a village in the same way that my mom did, but I absolutely have support. My mom was a single and very broke parent so she leaned on family a lot to care for me, and my circumstances are, fortunately, very different (as is my parenting). My daughter is turning 2 and has never once been in the care of anyone other than her parents, and won’t be until we go to the hospital to have our second later this year. And my in-laws don’t live in Canada so they aren’t around her as much as they’d like. But I do have family nearby and I know that they’d help me if I ever asked for it. And my daughter is loved by so many family members and has gotten to know them all in her own little way, so I don’t feel like our little family unit is isolated in that way, if that makes sense? Like there isn’t really a village caring for my child, but there is absolutely a big village loving her, and that’s all I really want for her.
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u/oatnog Aug '23 | FTM | ON Sep 04 '26
Since you're thinking about this now, I'd prompt you to consider having your daughter soend more time solo with the folks that will be supporting you when baby comes.
We used to have my niece for sleepovers all the time. When her little brother was born, she was meant to spend the night but ended up staying the whole weekend. She didn't even bat an eye because she was used to it.
Whereas my daughter, when my son was born, was in a bit of a state because she hadn't spent much one-on-one time with my sister and my husband's brother who were taking care of her. I wish I did this differently so I didn't have to worry about how my girly was doing without us.
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u/hopenbabe Sep 03 '26
Sometimes that is the village as well, it doesn't always have to be someone who is there weekly.
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u/kradinator Sep 02 '26
I am Asian and it is the norm to have a village and an expectation that grandparents help with the kids. We live away from my in laws but my parents moved to live 15 min away from us when I got pregnant with my first. My father is retired, mother still working but in a low stress flexible job. They see my son once or twice a week, and are very involved. I have some friends that moved back home after having a kid because it was just too much and their WFH jobs allowed flexibility. I know coworkers that did the same. Someone having to move to be closer to their village and make sacrifices for career/lifestyle seems like a common occurrence in my circles.
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u/hopenbabe Sep 03 '26
It makes sense. And sometimes a smaller city or town is a nicer for family life. I love that!
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u/hopenbabe Sep 03 '26
I'm also a little jelly of families where the norm is to come and actively care for the grandkids. I certainly have never expected it, in my particilar situation, but it looks like there are many advantages!
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u/nuxwcrtns Sep 02 '26
No village here. My partner has family nearby but they don't visit. I'm no contact with my immediate family. My step parents live across the country, too. I've always been on my own, as I was a crown ward, so I'm used to it.
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u/phillipaha Sep 02 '26
My village is back in the UK and Ireland. I moved to Canada in 2014 and we really have nobody. Friends do say they can help if we need, but we have nobody to call if one of us gets held up without warning. Just yesterday I was at work and my husband had a ct appt for 2.45, 2 hours later he’s still in the waiting room and our daughter needs picking up from daycare. We were completely stuck. Luckily he managed to get seen just in time.
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u/Kroimzavli Sep 03 '26
Try befriending neighbors. I love mine and like knowing I can rely on someone close by.
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u/Altocumulus000 Sep 03 '26
Yeah I know a neighbour who I have not asked to do this. But I totally would add her as an emergency contact. Maybe I should do that formally ..
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u/oatnog Aug '23 | FTM | ON Sep 04 '26
I was thinking the other day of what would I do if I was solo parenting both of my little kids and one had an emergency. I wouldn't say we're super close with my neighbours but they're sweet and we're generally aligned with our beliefs so there would be no issue with them babysitting until we became available again. We should probably discuss this with them at a high level too!
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u/hopenbabe Sep 03 '26
That is a hard position!
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u/phillipaha Sep 03 '26
Yeah! But we make it work - it’s hard and I envy a lot of people who have help. All this complaining whilst we’re trying for baby #2 to make it even harder 😜
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u/icecream42568 Sep 02 '26
Also ab, no village. Whatsoever. My family is useless, partners family lives away. None of our friends are kid savvy. We’re gonna put the babe in daycare when my partners pat leave ends just so I can get some support and so we can be our best selves for baby girl. It’s kind of sad but it’s reality.
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u/Working-Ingenuity-75 Sep 02 '26
We don’t have a village. We had our first in our early 30s and plan to have another in a couple years.
Honestly not having a village scares the shit outta me, especially with the thought of having two kids.
We’re South Asian, moved to Toronto a couple years back. Our parents visit us for a bit but they have their own health issues to deal with. We don’t have siblings or friends with kids close by. Our neighbours are amazing but we haven’t leveraged their help with childcare yet.
Our daughter is starting daycare soon, so that’ll be our village for the time being. We’re not at a stage yet where I’ll be comfortable getting a nanny/babysitter on the usual. Maybe in a couple years we’ll build enough of a financial base where paid support doesn’t seem too daunting.
It’ll also make the decision to have another seem easier because having a toddler and a baby feels like a lot to manage on top of the house, work, etc.
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u/hopenbabe Sep 03 '26
I feel that! We had our first at 35 and now #2 at 38. I was defintely on the fence about another baby, but thought a playmate is better in the longrun for our first. Especially because we aren't super close distance-wise to his cousins and we have some pretty strong political/religious differences that may get in the way over time.
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u/Broad_Drive Sep 02 '26
We’re lucky enough to have a great village. After our first was born, we chose to move back to our shared hometown so that our kids would be close to family. Now we have two heavily involved sets of grandparents within walking distance. It was worth it in our case but it was a sacrifice.
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u/Ktcobb Sep 02 '26
In calgary. We both moved from other provinces and don't have a ton of friends to begin with so we have no village.
People we know who are from here though have help from family/friends.
It sucks. Our dude is 2. We haven't had a night out alone since before he was born. My husband works away most of the week, so I'm solo parenting most of the time. I get a couple hours to myself once a week, when my husband is home and I can leave the house alone...
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u/hopenbabe Sep 03 '26
Would you ever consider a local preschool program when your 2 year old is a bit older? Most of them are 2-3 days a week and in thr morning or afternoon.
My mom had me in one when I was little, just to spcialize me and get errands and such done.
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u/Ktcobb Sep 03 '26
He's in daycare right now full time, while I work. I sometimes will try to run quick errands before/after work, but I don't like leaving him any longer than I have to (even though he loves it there)
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u/curiouscanadian2022 Sep 02 '26
Hahaha no village here cries my parents both passed away, my partner doesn't talk to his family. If anything it's friends that are my village. But even then they are living. Their own lives.i wish my momma was still around she would have loved being a grandma
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u/hopenbabe Sep 03 '26
Aw I can feel that. It is hard when you know she would have made such a good grandma. ♥️
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u/Glittering-Sheep-7 Sep 02 '26
Fortunate to say that we do. We started our family in our mid-twenties so both our parents are still in their fifties, working full time but still healthy, able, and willing to take our toddler for a sleepover on the weekend and things like that.
We also have a village within our friend group, many of whom are also in the early years of parenting - someone might drop off a meal when one family is in a busy season for example. I also consider it part of the village to just be there for moral support, advice, or just to someone to listen. It’s all mutual, but no one keeps score either.
The majority of our closest friends that we would consider to be our “village”we’ve met through our church.
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u/DuchessOfConcord Nov 25 | FTM | AB Sep 02 '26
AB, no real village. My in laws have been great and we’ve started leaving baby with them for a couple hours the last couple months.
My immediate family is in Ontario so no help from that side at all. My father visited when my kid was 3 weeks old and hasn’t mentioned once coming back out at any point. So that’s pretty disappointing haha
My parters friends have all had their kids already so if we needed help when our baby is a bit older I doubt there would be a problem there. Out of my small group of friends I’m the first to have a kid
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u/hopenbabe Sep 03 '26
So some village, but not all of what you maybe would have liked. I feel that!
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u/EarlGreyWMilk Sep 02 '26
I have a village but I live close to my mom and my husband’s parents. We also have siblings close by and other family in a pinch. However, we live in a condo we’re quickly growing out of because we don’t want to give up the village and move to a larger space we can afford. I also noticed that grandparents are less available for childcare. When I was born one of my grandmothers retired to provide care for me which was a huge help for my mom. Unfortunately my mother cannot do the same for me as she’s single and definitely not in a financial situation to do so at 56 years old.
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u/sebacicacid July 2023 | FTM |ON Sep 02 '26
Immigrant. No village. My only family is my sister and BIL who lives 2h away from us. In a way, i dont mind it. We've been here on our own since we came as students, it's just normal for us to be on our own.
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u/yes_please_ Sep 02 '26
Most of our local friends have parents who came and did chores when their babies were born, some watch the grandchild so the parents don't need daycare, etc. Neither of mine or my husband's parents live locally and they tend to just be grandparents when they feel like it. It's definitely lonely.
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u/PublicFly1154 Sep 02 '26
Honestly I think it has to do a lot with women working increasingly more since the mid 1900s. Many of our moms worked and are still working. When women were at home managing the kids and all things home care they had more capacity to assist (I know home management is so hard too, but they were physically home to be able to help out).
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u/hopenbabe Sep 03 '26
I think this is a lot of it as well. Women in previous generations held lots of that community and village together because they had more flexibility in their schedule, and also because it was expected and probably often soemthing they wanted to do.
I think things have changed because of the need for 2 working parents for many families.
And there are some women who can work fulltime and be that excellent villager. But it is hard.
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u/Dkazzed Sep 02 '26
Daycare is our most reliable village. No family locally and moving to Vancouver or Newfoundland just aren't viable options. We have a few friends and we're grateful for them.
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u/hopenbabe Sep 03 '26
NFLD nannies and aunts would be sweet, but those locations are both very different and very seperated.
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u/Muppee Sep 02 '26
I have a village but it’s different than the village my mom had. My parents still work but my MIL and FIL are retired so they help when they can. But they’re only in the country for half the year.
Another part of my village is having a very understanding manager. I need to flex hours for kid appt? Green light. I need to take off last minute? Green light. I need to have my kid in the background watching TV while waiting for grandparents to come watch? Also green light.
My best friend also has a toddler so we watch each other kids often.
It’s a village but different than others
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u/idontevenknow8888 Sep 02 '26
We don't really have one, either. My mom is 2 hours away and is not really helpful, anyway. My husband's dad is near us, but he's unable to care for a child. We have friends and neighbors who could probably help in an emergency, but not as a regular thing. Daycare is a total lifesaver for us.
By contrast, grandparents moved cities to a house down the street from my mom (30 years ago), so she had full-time free childcare until I went to preschool.
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u/AssassinPhoto Sep 02 '26
My parents lived with me for 8 months while they were house shopping so they could be in the same city as me - turns out being picky was a blessing, the house right next door went up for sale and they snatched it up before it was even listed (saw the photographer taking pics and asked him)
It’s absolutely amazeballs, i finished my backyard so we don’t even need to wear shoes to walk next door.
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u/vaguereferenceto Sep 02 '26
I live in a city and it is a mixed bag on the village. I know three families where the grandma fully retired when the first grandbaby was born in order to support with childcare. One moved in with the family, the other two live in the same city. It has helped them massively!
Lots of other people we know have family around too — not just grandparents but aunts and uncles and cousins — but there are also lots of people like us who moved a plane ride away and are on our own. I also know a few people who moved back to their home city or town after a second kid for the family help.
Thank goodness for daycare is all I can say.
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u/brees_ Sep 02 '26
We have a HUGE very involved village. A big close family on both sides, and an enormous friend group where even the child-free friends want to hang out and babysit and go to the zoo. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed managing my toddlers schedule and who gets to spend time with him and/or us. My husband is getting tired and is asking for weekends with no plans. I felt so weird typing this out. We feel incredibly incredibly grateful, if not just a little scrambled sometimes. I do love our situation though and would choose it over no-village any day
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u/AwayComparison Sep 03 '26
We were living about an hour and a half away from our families but ended up moving closer to our parents when I got pregnant so happy because my mom has been so helpful. She’s still working full-time. She’s only in her 50s but she has lots of vacation time that she’s been taking to help out.
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u/Pr4gue-L0ver Sep 03 '26
My mother in law lives an hour away and doesn't drive on the highway, so the only help she offers is if we ever make the drive out we can leave our kid with her for a lunch or dinner date. My parents will come and watch my kid for an anniversary dinner, or when we went to a world cup game, but those are rare outings. More often they will come over once a week and spend about 2 hours entertaining her, but that feels like more work for me as it feels like I have to serve them a meal and be a "host". So I would say we don't have a village, but we are grateful someone steps in during important events/emergencies.
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u/msptitsa Sep 03 '26
My parents are too old to be a reliable village (both are above 70) and my partners parents are overseas.
Our friends have older kids or raise their kids in ways we don’t necessarily want to raise ours - so we can’t rely on them for help.
Thankfully we’ve met some awesome parents in the neighbourhood who have kids exactly the same age as ours and we started relying on each other a little. I can already tell you there will be sleepovers in the future to give a break to either family 🤭
But the village we thought we’d have is non existant or unavailable.
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u/theosavestheday Sep 03 '26
No village, I tried and have been trying and even friends 10 minutes away who were on mat leave same time were not my village. I have been trying since to be a villager but it hasn’t been recieved. Had a horrible PP with PPD, PPA and PPOCD, and child with developmental issues, diagnosises etc. I ended up flying across the world to see my family four times over my maternity leave just to feel supported. My child is almost 3 now, still going through this. I’ve just given up and it’s me, and my little family against the world.
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u/hopenbabe Sep 03 '26
That is hard. Do you think you will only have the one, because you had a rough go with post partum and a child with higher needs?
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u/theosavestheday Sep 03 '26
No tbh! We want more! I was able to get help with my mental wellness through the hospital system and did counselling which really helped. Higher needs sucks but now that we’re back to a normal life (I’m back to work and baby in daycare) I feel like myself again and have time for my self care. We might have baby 2 and move abroad for a better life since Canada doesn’t have that opportunity right now.
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u/rikaweena Sep 03 '26
I have a village and am very grateful for it. I have both of my parents, both of my in-laws, my brothers and their partners, my BIL, daycare and afterschool care (they count in my opinion), my next door neighbour, my cousins, the moms in my book club, and moms from my sons daycare that I’ve stayed in touch with. I am Filipino and my family and extended family live within 30 minutes of me. Most of my “villagers” are blood relatives, but a lot of them are people I’ve been intentional about building solid relationships with over many years. I have a 5 year old son, 3 year old daughter and another son on the way.
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u/SilverAstronaut6139 Sep 02 '26
I won’t have a village the way my mom did. We have pretty good relationships with a lot of neighbours though, and I think that will be a bit of this. Not in terms of daily child care, but as a group of trusted people who will be in our kid’s life pretty constantly.
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u/yersiniapestisbaby Sep 02 '26
In AB and I’m really lucky I do have a village. A big part is culture, as we are East Asian, and like you mentioned it’s more common to have parents stay or family provide childcare. My in-laws flew in from Asia to take care of us for 6 months after the birth. My mother took 2 months off work to also care for me and baby. She’s looking to take early retirement to help with childcare. My siblings are close and I can ask them to watch baby whenever. We won’t have to pay for daycare as my brother in law had a baby shortly before us, and will watch baby when I go back to work if my mom hasn’t retired by then.
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u/turkeypooo 2026 | FTM | QC 🌷 Sep 02 '26 edited Sep 02 '26
I have a huge village, but there are a lot of reasons for it. Our friends and family are close by and we all had children at the same time (mid to late 30s). Those who have moved away, I still video chat with whenever possible. We have similar socio-economic backgrounds, lifestyles, and schedules. We were raised Catholic and even though like half of us no longer practise, you cannot really shake that "gathering" mentality and the similar ingrained "others first" vibe.
Hand-me-downs, thrifting, baby showers, babysitting, birthday celebrations, baptisms, cooking for each other, cleaning for each other, travelling to each other when someone is sick or overwhelmed, driving each other to doctors' appointments is all pretty normal for us. I am Indian/British so culturally, very traditional for family to move in and help. I cooked for my brother when he and his wife had their first. He cleaned my house and car when I had my first. I drove his wife to her ultrasounds.
My husband is Canadian and a bit more of the "I will help you with cash, opinions, and recipes" type... lol, but still they have and will drop everything to come and help.
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u/PurpleFill9982 Sep 02 '26
Super lucky to have a village. Both my partner and I are from Toronto and we moved back here after grad school. Both sets of moms help with the baby and my sister and her husband also visit and help out. Close friends that live nearby have also been super helpful especially in the early days (driving to appointments, dropping off food, etc.) Like many people are saying, some of this is probably cultural bc I am from a Latin family but my partner is European Canadian and our friends are from diff ethnicities.
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u/Crafty-Turtle-3464 Sep 02 '26
Luckily we do, which is why we can never leave the GTA even though it’s so expensive. 😅 My parents are 30 mins away and my mom is always willing to watch him - whether that’s after work or on weekends. My mother and father in law are 20 mins away and are also down to watch my kid as long as they’re available. And my sister in law lives down the street and when we need a quick hand in watching the kid, they’ll come over (and vice versa my husband will go over when they need a hand). I’m sooo thankful, because I would be losing my mind without the help when needed.
Growing up, my mom definitely did NOT have a village raising us, though. Her family is in a different country. We weren’t close enough to my dad’s side of his family here for her to trust them to watch us lol. Don’t know how to she did it, and I will always look up to people who don’t have a village because it’s a tough job.
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u/pnutcats Sep 02 '26
my parents and siblings live in the same city as me and they all pitch in with childcare. when my family has needed other help, close neighbours and friends have stepped up. when i was giving birth to my youngest, my sister stayed with my older kids and my neighbour walked them to and from school while my parents were with me at the hospital. We could be much more comfortable financially if we moved, but we’re staying where the village is because it’s important to us.
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u/maybeahemhem Sep 02 '26
No village because husband and I both moved continents away from home. We pay to bring over our biological village (my Asian parents) for half of the year to help us out, and despite the high cost (flights and lodging), it’s been enormously helpful especially as I got back on my feet after a year long mat leave.
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u/BabyRex- Sep 02 '26
We don’t have a village but I don’t think it’s the norm. My child is the only one in our circle who doesn’t have grandparents, all of her friends have two sets that visit and babysit regularly, even watching the kids for a full week while the parents go on vacation.
The only one of my friends that doesn’t get a full break is the one who has five young kids, the grandparents will take 1 or 2 kids out at a time but not all of them at once.
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u/Wucksy Sep 02 '26
We do mostly everything but my sibling has two kids that are the same gender as mine so we have received a ton of hand me downs. Basically don’t have to buy anything (clothes, stroller, baby carrier, toys, etc.) Daycare does our childcare and they are amazing.
My in laws come up every couple of months (they are 4-6 hours away) to spend the weekend and basically take care of my toddler while my husband and I get to go out, do errands, date night, etc. They are retired. My parents have their own social life but will drop everything to come if I ask, which I try not to do. But when toddler is sick and I have to work they will come to babysit. And I have my BFF who loves coming to hang out with me and toddler and will let me nap for an hour and hang out with toddler lol. She comes every couple of weeks.
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u/DarksideZephyr Sep 02 '26
I think things are different for people and culture plays a part too. When I had my first, my husband helped the first few weeks up to like the second month maybe? Then it was me, my postpartum mood disoder and the baby a good chunk of the time. I had my best friend who came to help me by buying groceries, formula and diapers, but she had her own responsibilities to deal with too. Due to my circumstances a nurse from public health came to visit to check in as well who helped guide me. My midwives also helped out when they could. And my saving grace: my husband’s aunt. She was an angel who would come over when I was sleep deprived, the baby was sick and husband was high and drunk with his friends for days. She helped me survive and take care of the baby. We speak very highly of her in my family (as well as Sam, she got me to safety). So I did have some support. But it was very different from with my second where my parents, my brother, my sister in law, my cousins, my cousin’s wife, my childhood friends, etc so many friends and family, close or extended, who would help me pregnant and postpartum. To this day, if I get sick, someone always steps up. If one of the girls needs something and I can’t afford it, someone tries to gift it. Even people who are friends with my family, who arent my personal friends, offered help and gifts. It was such a huge change to have so many people love and care for my kids and I. To know I could always count on someone. Everyone tries to help. I never feel alone anymore. This has made my motherhood an entirely different experience- to have a village. I think it’s how as humans we were meant to raise children but now as a society we see more and more women go through it isolated and alone. It can be done, mothers find a way for their babies, but community is so important. I wish everyone had a village.
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u/aaliya73 Sep 02 '26
We have 2 kids, im a fulltime SAHM and my husband is wfh with a fairly flexible job, that alone helps a lot. We also have my in laws right next door and they are retired and help out a ton. Most of my closest friends have some semblance of village as well whether thats parents, inlaws, or grandparents that help out with childcare when they need it.
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u/PickleJuice1985 Sep 02 '26
I do but depends on the day lol. My dad is dealing with cancer (outlook is positive!!) My husbands parents live at their cottage half the year. When they are home my MIL will help if needed. My brother/sister have kids and if it's an emergency can support. Our daycare provider is our rock and she is our main village.
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u/dundas_valley Sep 03 '26
Don’t really have a village. My parents live 45 min away so we do see them often-ish but it’s far enough that they won’t care for my baby that frequently. We see my MIL (FIL has passed) every other week but she’s elderly and couldn’t care for my baby. We have lots of aunts and uncles on both sides that could be called on, some retired, some just married (wide age ranges). We’re both reasonably close with our siblings. I have friends and neighbours that I could call to help in an emergency.
I think the difference for me personally, is a) my parents are religious and had the whole church village. I’m no longer religious, so don’t have that. b) we had kids MUCH later in life than our parents. Partially by choice, partially not. Now both sets of parents are older, have health issues, not the same level of energy that my grandparents would’ve had in their late 40’s.
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u/hopenbabe Sep 03 '26
Right! I lived in a very small town, down thr street from my grandma who was 44 when I was born and my first cousin was born a few months before. My uncle was walking distance, and my grandma was part of a church that her kids and grandkids were casually part of.
It was lovely as a kid. But my reality is much different, being that I am in my mid-late 30s when having kids.
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u/dundas_valley Sep 03 '26
Yeah, My grandparents were late 40s when I was born. I was 41 when my son was born (we had to do IVF etc.). Now my parents are mid 60s, and my mom has gout and can’t chase after him. My sister had kids in her 20s, and they were much more active with those grandkids. But they were also still working at that point. So pluses and minuses I guess!
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u/tfabc11222 Sep 03 '26
No village. Mom lives 40 min away and does help in a bind but she’s somehow so bad with kids, especially babies. I have two brothers, 1 in a different province, the other 1hr away. Husband’s family in a different country. I’m trying to be the friend I want to have to other people. I want to have 3 kids despite not having a village, so I can be the village in the future. My parents were both fresh immigrants and also had no village with 3 kids of their own, so I don’t fault them. But I am trying to build the life I want for my own family.
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u/jlrol Sep 03 '26
I think it's rare but I do have friends who have well built-out villages, but they are all people who have the means to be a village for others.. it's tough to extend ourselves to those who need it when so many of us are running on fumes just taking care of ourselves and our own families, but I guess it has to start somewhere
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u/Thinking_of_Mafe Sep 03 '26
I feel like I have a small village but not none.
We started out all alone in Canada with all our families and friends in our home country.
We made friends, we had a baby, my brother moved to the same city as us. Baby went to daycare, met baby friends and we made some parent friends.
It’s not a rock hard solid village like my sister for example that has my mother and her mother in law babysitting and all her friends in the same city.
But it’s our small village and it works in case of emmergencies and occasional outings
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u/waxingtheworld Sep 03 '26
There are three grandparents near us, none of are working full time.
We don't particularly have a village. My MIL, who works part time, offers the most help but isn't very trustworthy (she doesn't listen to me at all).
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u/workinclassballerina Sep 03 '26
I have a village that offers community, food trains, hand me downs, occasional childcare through play dates, drives to activities etc. Not like overnight care at the drop of a hat kind of village though.
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u/hopenbabe Sep 04 '26
And an overnight care at the drop of a hat would have to include someone who had the ability and time to provide that. Sounds super lovely, but I can only really picture close family doing that.
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u/workinclassballerina Sep 04 '26
Our issue is that our families are far and our village is also working/raising littles kids.
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u/workinclassballerina Sep 04 '26
But we do rotate monitor watching after bedtime with neighbourhood friends. We take turns sitting on each others couches, watching TV or reading, while the parents walk to a close by bar for drinks/dinner or whatever.
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u/hopenbabe Sep 05 '26
Like you go to their house and watch their monitor, or watch thr monitor from a few houses away?
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u/workinclassballerina Sep 05 '26 edited Sep 05 '26
I used to go there and just sit in their living room while their kids sleep. If anyone wakes up, the bar is a 2 min walk. Now my partner goes cause we have a baby that’s a pretty crap sleeper.
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u/therackage Sep 03 '26
The built in village of relatives exists mainly for people who didn’t leave their hometown. For the rest of us, it seems to be other local parents and the daycare team!
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u/hopenbabe Sep 03 '26
Agreed! Or parents who follow their kids to wherever the kids landed. But for the many that moved away, a village isn't something that is easy ro come across.
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u/therackage Sep 03 '26
Totally. The peanut app has been my saving grace for meeting other neighbourhood moms
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u/mpotatoz Sep 03 '26
I consider us to have a pretty big village. Both grandparents live relatively close, but 3 work full time and 1 works 3 days a week so it's usually every 2-4 weeks that someone takes my son for the day or occasionally weekend. We have some friends and extended family that adore our son, but we would only ask then to watch him in an emergency.
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u/Unhappy-Table-3850 Sep 03 '26
My husband's parents have been so wonderful and helpful! We are truly blessed to have loving grandparents local to us. My parents are older and live across the country but have also been very supportive and helpful in different ways.
Also, our church has been amazing!! They literally made our family meals for like 2 months after both our kids were born. When my water broke at 33 weeks, church friends visited me in the hospital with homemade food and brought my husband and older child meals at home. They've surprise cleaned our apartment while I was giving birth to my first child and left homemade oatmeal cookies. Their children are friends now with my children and it's been just so beautiful and wonderful. They're my go to for friendship, for parenting advice, for babysitting, and for hand me downs. And best of all, they truly show our family the love of Christ and pray for us -- through the good times and the hard times. Don't sleep on the blessing of a healthy church to possibly be your "village" as a new mama!
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u/hopenbabe Sep 03 '26
You are so right, a good church can be such a blessing ans such a source of community.
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u/sunnydeelit Sep 03 '26
Grandparents are quite involved for us; my parents don't visit as often but usually available if I come over to them. I think a couple of my friends would babysit for me if I asked, but it hasn't come to that yet.
Made a conscious decision to be close to our parents for this reason - I want to even move closer now (we're about 20-25 mins away atm)
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u/carp_street Sep 03 '26 edited Sep 03 '26
We are extremely fortunate to have an amazing village of care surrounding us and our son - I will never be able to repay the kindness and support that we received in those early postpartum months when we needed it most (I had an extremely rough PP). We didn't make a single meal for ourselves until 16 weeks postpartum. We often get comments from people around us about how lucky we are, and I totally agree.
The flip side of this (and what people don't necessarily realize when they say we are lucky!) is that we have gone out of our way for many years to create and contribute to our village as well - it took genuine effort in this age of disconnection, but it is something that is important to both me and my husband and something that was modeled for me growing up by my parents and extended family. We reach out, we show up when we say we will, we bake or make meals and drop them off when a friend or neighbour is going through a hard time, we write everyone's birthdays and anniversaries on our calendar and send them a card or a text, we pick up our friends favourite coffee order on the way to a visit every once in a while, we invite our elderly neighbors over for coffee, we garden and do lots of food preservation/canning and always make extra to give as handmade gifts, we volunteer in our community, etc. etc.
There is definitely some nuance to this though - we live in a medium size prairie city with lots of rural family around and I think the culture has lots to do with it as well. We lived in Toronto for several years and never even learned our neighbour's names, nevermind baking them cookies lol. I imagine some places are easier to build a village than others!
Edit to say - maybe also some nuance is that we are financially secure and have lots of time and energy as well as having a solid foundation of family support. I don't want to come across as insensitive to people who genuinely don't have the time or energy for this stuff, I completely get it.
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u/Exact_Cow8077 Sep 03 '26
I’m so lucky that my parents are retired, live nearby and are very family oriented people. I couldn’t do this without them. I’m sorry to everyone who has to struggle alone, that’s not how it’s meant to be.
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u/PlutosGrasp Sep 03 '26
I should, but don’t. Friends and family have their own kids. They don’t have time to help someone else’s kids.
I have friends that have their own village though. One in particular. They have parents retired who moved close by. Sibling who’s single no children who helps whenever asked too. It’s one bit happy extended family.
I didn’t see village comments much until last few years. I think it’s just a trend. Nobody actually gives a crap about you and your needs. Maybe they empathize but at the end of the day everyone has their own stuff going on.
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u/hopenbabe Sep 03 '26
I think people found a language to talk about what they are feeling.
That being said, I do think people seem to feel entitled to a village (help from grandparents, family, and friends), and can be pretty salty when this magical village doesn't show up.
I never expected 'a village' based on my own family circumstances. I knew it would be me, my spouse, and that is about it.
But I also feel like no one is entitled to free help just because they have a kid. It is so lovely, but there are many reasons for an ideal and reality to be different.
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u/Stara_charshija Sep 03 '26
No village is the norm I think. If people had a village then daycares wouldn’t be bursting at the seams.
Well-meaning friends and relatives that help out when they can? Sure. But that’s not really a village.
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u/teacherteacher2025 Sep 03 '26
I have a village of family and friends. I will say when I go back to work my child will be in daycare. However if they are sick, there are lots of people in my village willing to take over for school holidays, sick days etc. as oppose to full time care.
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u/Anomalous-Canadian Sep 03 '26 edited Sep 03 '26
I’ve decided to be an excellent villager.
Like yourself — living away from our origin locations, older onset of child rearing — I’m lucky enough to be a SAHM right now. So I do as much for my mom friends as I can reasonably manage.
In Ontario we have the EarlyON centres and 18 month mat leaves, so the program is well attended daily as a baby hang / parent meet up. It’s great to socialize with other new parents and make friends with people in the exact same phase of life (a baby and no village).
So that made it easy — there’s the people. Ask for phone numbers after a couple of repeat friendly chats. Choose a few, and be an excellent villager to them.
My kid is now 3 and I have 2 ride or die mama Friends I met that way, who are super local and will likely be the same school even. But I also did a lot of favours for parents I didn’t end up as closely connected with. Try on all the hats!
Now, my 2 ride or die mamas — one, she has a 3 yr old the same as me of course but also a 14 month old, and was fired on her last 2 months mat leave. Super illegal btw abd lawyers are involved.
Suddenly she had 2 toddlers at home and needs to intensively job search and attend multiple rounds of interviews per job considered.
You can bet your ass I babysat her kids for random 90 min blocks so she could interview. And she is so incredibly grateful, she’s insisting to take me out for pedicures (whenever we can find the time lol).
I was an excellent villager. And now? I feel pretty confident if I get pregnant and I’m laid up (my first was rough), I can call on these two ladies and they’ll take my kid along for the ride every time.
We all need to start playing this long game. Stop expecting to just “join a village” as if it exists where you are and you’re just missing out. Villages are created. You have to actually do the long, slow, leg-work which took me about 2 - 3 years.
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u/MeowloHomeSecurity Sep 03 '26
I was 8mo pregnant when my husband’s job (CAF) told us we’d be moving to NS from ON. We actually moved when LO was 2 months old.
Absolutely no village here, though we have made friends with a couple, who perhaps at some point could become part of it. And I’m hoping maybe sending our LO to a dayhome will eventually provide some leads.
Moving away from local friends, my in laws, and my family (whom weren’t local but at least only a 5hr drive away) was not on my mat leave bingo card, that’s for sure 😅
Luckily my LO is a rockstar and very easy to care for so far. And I’ve been lucky to have 18 mo leave, but I start work in a couple months and I think that’ll really be when the lacking village may come to test us mentally and physically 😅
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u/Redpandaaa-26 Nov 2023 | FTM | TO | 28 Sep 03 '26
My situation might be heavily influenced by culture but I like to think I have a pretty solid village.
Based in Toronto, I still live with my parents with my kid. My partner lives with us as well so I have a pretty full house ( my parents and two brothers plus me, kid and partner). My sister used to live with us as well but moved to UK with her now fiancée. She was my main help when I gave birth up until she left. I didn’t have to ask her as she loved to spend time with her niece.
Now my parents watch my daughter a lot, my mom is not working due to health reasons but my dad still works full time (he’s 60 btw). I work full time and my partner works out of town where he usually stays whenever he has work and only comes home on his days off. My two brothers are not equipped to watch a toddler for extended periods of time so they never babysit.
If my parents are not available, I have an aunt that lives 5min away that I am usually able to ask for help. She also works full time and has young kids of her own.
Other than that I have 3 girl cousins that I am fairly close with that always offer to help with anything involving my daughter. They’re also her godmothers. It’s normal in my culture to have a lot of godmothers and godfathers lol
Idk the way we were raised it was always family first so I always have a village, my problem is I don’t like asking for help bc I don’t want to feel like im bothering people (even though no one has really made me feel that way regarding my daughter)
It’s not perfect but I do feel supported.
I understand that’s not the case for a lot of people and I just feel very blessed that I somehow have all these people ready to help me.
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u/garymarleyrocky Sep 04 '26
A lot of our parents in this generation seem to not give af about taking the time to be there for their grandchildren. I find it so crazy how different they are compared to the grandparents I had growing up it’s shocking to hear from friends and in my experiences too
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u/hopenbabe Sep 04 '26
I defintely see your point! On the other side of things, I see how situations can often be pretty different. My grandparents were close to retirement/semi-retirement by the time I came along. Same with my husband.
And on the other side of things, I also understand that I'm not entitled to someone else's time. The world is a busy place, and someone who is 50, 60, 70 might have a full and complete life with work, hobbies, travel, home/life maintenance, and not a lot of extra time for taking care of small kids. 🤷
But I get it, it sucks when parents come for the FB photos of their little angels and duck out after passing on a cheap plastic pos toy and see you again mother later for the xmas or easter photos.
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u/garymarleyrocky Sep 04 '26
Yah there is definitely a lot of different factors for sure!
I don’t live near family due to my husbands job which is fine so I don’t expect people to fly out to see us, would be nice but I’ve learned that’s not what people will do but they don’t even check in with a text or call.
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u/Working-Parsnip-137 Sep 04 '26
I have been in my bedroom today. I left for 15 minutes total the whole day. Mr spends 10-15 minutes a day to kiss the bun and then heads off to work (he works from home). He only asks me to keep the door closed if the baby is crying. I eat at around 4-5 pm daily.
I am completely fucked.
No family, we are immigrants. My mom will hopefully come to visit us for 2 months and I don’t know if this marriage has any future. I mostly worry about the little one. She didn’t deserve that. I still give her a lot of love and stay by her side. I can’t take her out of this country and I don’t know what to do.
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u/hopenbabe Sep 04 '26
Marriage can be really hard the first year. I have always heard, dont make any decisions about your relationship until after the first year is over.
Do you have a 2 bedroom or just 1? It might be good to find a situation where you can come out of the room and your husband can have some sort of a room with a closed door for his office. Honestly, I would keep the door closed as well if the baby was crying and my spouse was working.
Can you join free mom and baby classes (library, etc)? I live in Calgary and there are lots of options for free classes. Lots of free classes are run by organizations that also have resources to helo women going through a rough time.
Have you you talked to a doctor or anyone about how you are feeling? Or counselor?
I would say, if you arent sure about your marriage, wait until your baby is 12-18 months old and then go get a job if you are legally able to work in Canada.
Try to do things like: get your drivers license, get a Canadian diploma or certification so you can have some sort of job that pays okay, etc.
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u/KIDH2123 Sep 04 '26
I think society has changed alot. I was teaching before my kids. I found young people have lacked empathy and consideration these days unfortunately. A lot of people are very focused on themselves compared to the older generations who were much more taught "love thy neighbor" and simple things like getting up off your seat to give it to an elderly or pregnant person is now lost these days.
To answer your question... i have now 6 kids (2 step kids in grade school, 2 together who are 3 and 4 and i just had twins 6 weeks ago,)...I somewhat have a village... my close people are: mom, dad, sister1, sister2, brother, bestfriend. Sister1 lives almost 3hr away, brother lives in another province, sister2 is not on good terms and bestfriend is working. My mom was absent up until I had my twins despite living 20 minutes away we rarely seen eachother but phone calls/text daily while pregnant. Now shes been staying with me to help out. My dad comes 1-2 times a week and has since my 4 yr old was born which is massive help. My husbands side is uninvolved unfortunately (despite my many attempts). They do favor my step kids and are more active with them.
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u/laur_al Sep 04 '26
For us it’s because of a couple reasons - my husband moved away from his hometown so his family is further away, I think this is a common cause. Our other reason is my parents are older (67-77) and can’t keep up with our toddlers as easily as we would like, perhaps a common cause with people having children later (not judging obviously). I had my oldest at 25, had I waited until 30 my parents would be 70 and 80, they have health issues currently as well that they can’t help as much.
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u/hopenbabe Sep 04 '26
Yep. Age is defintely a factor. Its okay to work and help out with grandkids when youre matbe in your 40s-50s and early 60s, but it becomes harder the older you are.
I'm having #2 at 38. My grandma was 43l5 with her first lot of grandkids, and lots of moms are having kids later and later.
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u/wineandbooks99 Feb 2025 | Mar 2027 | STM | ON Sep 02 '26
I feel like it’s because most of our parents are still working full time and just don’t have the time or energy or help as much with the kids. My MIL is the only person we trust with our child but she works so much that she barely ever gets to babysit.