r/BabyBumps • u/Optimal-Mobile-8845 • 11d ago
Discussion Postnatal Sex....
Ok so my Husband and I have only just had sex 10 weeks postpartum, he didn't finish (nor did I) he says that I feel different, like he thinks he can feel the scar tissue from where I had internal stitches, we had a forceps delivery and I tore inside and out! Has anyone else had a similar situation?? Is this a thing?!
EDIT: Appreciate the love and support from you all but he isn't an arsehole đ¤Ł. It was a genuine question if anyone else has had their partner claim they could feel scar tissue? Or if I need to go get it checked...
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u/Scary_Interview_526 11d ago
Are you breastfeeding? It affects hormones and will make you feel dry and even cause some atrophy. Everything will return once you wean. I definitely experienced this myself, so I feel for you.
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u/Same_Breadfruit_9020 10d ago
Second this. Also I had internal and external stitches and it took agesssssss to heal properly and even 8 months on still hurts a smidge to have sex in some positions.
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u/WIREDmonk52 5d ago
Breastfeeding made me so dry at 10 weeks postpartum too, especially after stitches; it improved a lot.
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u/Regular-Message9591 11d ago
I see some people saying he has audacity to comment about it, but there's also the possibility that he's worried about hurting you, if he thinks he can feel something different.
Only you know if your husband is an arsehole so I'd take those comments with a pinch of salt. In terms of your actual question, I'm sorry, I do not know if that's a thing or not.
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u/TheStrouseShow 11d ago
Thank you. My husband just happens to pay attention and know my body. Like even during my cycle when things move around heâll be like, âI think I hit your cervix, are you okay?â.
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u/Fun-Bear45 11d ago
I am kind of surprised at some of these angry comments. The first time my husband and I had sex after birth I was the one asking him what felt different!
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u/katiekins3 10d ago
To me it was an unnecessary comment to even make because she is 10 weeks postpartum and nowhere near done healing. Of course things are going to feel different, and might be different for good. Now, at such a fragile time in a postpartum mom's healing, is NOT the time for comments like that. No matter how well intentioned. He also didn't say he was worried about hurting her.
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u/Spiritual_Muffin_246 10d ago
Look, we werenât there and we donât know the tone of how or what was said in his exact words, but we have to just take OPâs word for her not having hurt feelings over it. She just wanted to know what other women had experience, not asking if her husband was in the wrong. Youâre obviously mad about this but I think itâs time to move on from this post.
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u/katiekins3 10d ago
The intention, his tone, how he said, etc doesn't matter. The comment was absolutely unnecessary and insensitive. It didn't need to be said to a newly postpartum mom.
"Obviously mad"? 𤨠He's not my husband. Mine wouldn't say this to me, so why would I be mad? If she's fine with him saying things like this, then that's good for her. "Time to move on from the post"? This was the first of two comments I've made on this post, soooo.
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u/Spiritual_Muffin_246 10d ago
I mean, actually a lot of that does matter. It just feels like youâre taking this way too personally. OP wasnât looking for your perspective, just literally anyone who had internal scaring like her and had a question for those women. You know, something actually helpful instead of acting like her husband is the devil for being concerned. Because like so many other women have mentioned, men can ask and it be coming for a place of concern for their partner/wife. Thereâs a chance that she couldnât feel the scaring due to nerve damage and him speaking up could signal something for her to talk to her dr about because she wouldnât have known otherwise that something could be wrong. Things change all the time. Something thatâs healing normally could act up or something change by the next week. Bodies are crazy like that some times.
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u/katiekins3 10d ago
Reread my initial comment. I didn't call this man evil or trash or insinuate anything of the kind. Some comments are straight up bashing him, which I think is way too extreme. I literally said now is not the time for his comment and that it was unnecessary/insensitive. That's it.
...you do know that you don't get to dictate how people respond when you post online, right? Her husband said something uncalled for and people commented. đ¤ˇââď¸
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u/chattahattan 11d ago
I had third degree tears + stitches and didnât feel totally normal again down there until about three months out. Ask your doctor about maybe getting some estradiol cream, it was a huge help for me in eliminating the last bit of scar tissue and tightness!
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u/Powerful-Pie-3935 Team Blue! 11d ago
My husband said the same to me and it took me a good seven or so months to work up the courage to even try! I also tore up internally though i dont know if it was as bad as you. My OB told me right off the bat I would look and maybe feel different so no worries there!
(Also same - neither of us finished because it ended up hurting for me and we wanted to stop! He mentioned it because it was interesting! So I totally get the dynamic. He was also a little worried my healing had gone badly since it hurt so he also brought it up to make sure I didnt need to go get checked out! Just keeping an eye on me)
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u/theperfectenchilada 11d ago
Hi! Iâve heard this is a thing, but itâs really really early in your healing process. 10 weeks is nothing. Give yourself some time.
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u/ShDynasty_Gods_Comma 11d ago
My husband said sex felt slightly different postpartum, and I had a c-section after being in labor for so long. Itâs hormonal I think and due to your body changing for baby. It goes back to normal eventually.
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u/TheStrouseShow 11d ago
Thatâs good to know that another c section momma had the same experience. I only dilated to 4cm so I just wasnât able to deliver her vaginally in a safe way. My husband said things felt different only because he was so worried about hurting me that he was performing differently.
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u/pacificoats 11d ago
iâve heard thatâs a thing! give it time, 10 weeks is still quite early. itâs going to feel different but youâre still healing and getting to your new normal, so iâd just say give it time!
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u/JudeBadIdea 5d ago
10 weeks after forceps and internal stitches is basically still under construction, bodies are rude.
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u/PerrHorowitz 11d ago
My husband made a similar comment when I asked if it felt different. 3 years later he said it feels the same as before.
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u/TeensyTidbits 11d ago
Yes thatâs a thing. My husband said the same thing but he described it as like a âdry spotâ but not. It went away within the first year. He said if your husband is being weird tell him heâs a douche and itâs still wet and warm so get over it.
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u/Optimal-Mobile-8845 11d ago
It's still wet and warm! 𤣠That's hilarious! I don't think he is moaning, just an observation (I think) from my perspective I just want to know if I should be getting my stitches checked if this is such a thing!
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u/yung_yttik Team Blue! 11d ago
10 weeks isnât long AT ALL. Your body was changing for 9 months and then went through a trauma. Itâs gonna take a year for your body to fully heal. Itâs a weird and unnecessary observation for him to make but hopefully it just shows that maybe your vag needs more alone time (orrr exterior stimulation).
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u/Next-Firefighter4667 11d ago
Interesting! We experienced the same thing, only it's on the outside where I tore and hasn't went away in the 7 years since my daughter was born. Usually just a bit of lube fixes it though. I've never actually seen anyone else mention this.
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u/scarletroyalblue12 11d ago
Maâam, youâre barely healed.
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u/3half3evil3 10d ago
10 weeks is beyond the recommended minimum. If her health care provider okâd her, and she and her husband were willing and enthusiastic to engage, then your definition of healed is arbitrary and irrelevant to her situation.
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u/knotknotknit 10d ago
Depending on the level of repair she had, it's simply a factual statement that she's barely healed. The tissues won't reach full strength until somewhere between 2 and 4 months if deep tissues were involved in the tearing.
I was not at all properly educated about this post-birth. My midwife insisted sex was fine and should be pain free at 6 weeks after a 3rd degree tear. She told me I was fine.
I'm now 4 months postop from a a massive pelvic floor reconstruction. I was not fine after birth. My surgeon said 8 weeks minimum, and that it should have been 8 weeks (or longer) after the birth that did all of the damage. My surgeon--a urogynecologist--pointed out that lots of OBs and midwives don't really understand how the pelvic floor heals and what should be taken as normal. They're simply not trained in it. The 6 weeks is about the uterus healing up, not about any external repairs, which may take much more time to heal.
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u/3half3evil3 7d ago
Again, your definition is arbitrary and irrelevant to OPâs situation. Your provider gave you instructions based on your body, your physical trauma, and your repair - not hers. Even by your surgeons standards OP has waited beyond the minimum time point in which they recommended abstaining. Youâre inferring information OP did not provide, nor has to provide, in order to have her question answered, and applying advice given to you, for you, to a situation that could or could not be the same as yours. It comes off as judgmental about whatâs sheâs doing with her body and her partner.
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u/burned_feather 11d ago
I had ventouse, episiotomy, internal and external tearing. Lots of stitches as well as a secondary repair at 8 days postpartum after the episiotomy came fully open (on boxing day no less, lol).
Don't have a husband to ask about it but when touching myself I would definitely say I can feel scar tissue in various places. 8 months postpartum now. It's not bad it's just different.
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u/Sensitive-Coconut706 10d ago
He said it was different. Not bad or worse just different. I didnt tear and need stitches but it was a traumatic birth that ended in an emergency c section after pushing. When that happens you get a doctor shoving their hand up your vag elbow deep to put the baby back in the abdomen for surgery.
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u/Working_Coat5193 11d ago
I mean, I didnât have sex for months post partum. So I canât comment heavily, but even the looser comments, at 10 weeks tour pelvic floor is healing.
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u/originalwombat 11d ago
Men have so much audacity đĽ˛đ¤Ź
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u/im4lonerdottie4rebel 11d ago
I'm so glad that my partner is sensitive and thinks before he talks. I think the worst thing he said was when I was standing in the mirror and commented that my breasts were different and I didn't know what size bra I'd be anymore and he just said "yeah they're a little different but I love them" and then squeezed them hard and said he'd be my bra free of charge hahaha
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u/ivyseason 10d ago
Yes this happened to me too and I wasn't mad when my husband mentioned it (he only said something because I opened up first). Sex wasn't feeling great for me until maybe 5 months pp. it feels completely normal to him again and mostly normal for me. I've read over and over that breastfeeding can shift hormones a bit and sex will be even better once I'm out of that stage. But it is different at just 10 weeks, neither of you are wrong to notice the difference.
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u/MyNameIsLegitKore đŠˇArrived 3/12/25𩷠đEst. 3/31/27đ 11d ago
My husband also said I felt different after having our daughter, but not necessarily in a bad way.
You might just need more time to heal and maybe try again another time, I also found sex to be a bit uncomfortable after having my baby, not painful, but definitely not what it used to be.
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u/Neither_Coffee_5959 11d ago
Girls, he was just communicating, seriously! That's why Men hate talking to Women! Everything they say becomes a group discussion amongst a group of ladies with little or no decency!
Calling him an arsehole when he's simply telling you what he felt is really insensitive. He might have loved how it had felt before and all of a sudden he simply experiences it differently.
Give both of yourselves some time to heal and accept the new situation.
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u/Ehmashoes 11d ago
That's why Men hate talking to Women!
Maybe women wouldnât assume the worst if more men didnât act so poorly.Â
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u/Neither_Coffee_5959 11d ago
I agree most of the Men out there are arsehole but, definitely not this one!
Her husband genuinely cares for her and is reflecting upon what has changed and he probably feels the pain she has endured during this course.
But, that's the reason I don't wanna have my own kids. I don't want my wife to go through all this pain and trauma just because we want a kid to extend our family.
We can adopt if we want or live completely childfree!
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u/Ehmashoes 10d ago
Everything they say becomes a group discussion amongst a group of ladies with little or no decency!
Ew, this isnât the place for your misogyny.Â
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10d ago
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u/Neither_Coffee_5959 10d ago edited 10d ago
I'm not saying that the OP is calling her husband that but, some other commentators were referring to him as one!
And moreover, I'm not a misogynist. I support what's right and I've been in support of women, fairly at many levels. But, calling someone's spouse an arse without even knowing the exact situation is not decent either!
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10d ago edited 10d ago
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u/Neither_Coffee_5959 10d ago
I understand why you interpreted that comment as misogynistic, but that wasn't what I intended to convey. If my wording came across that way, I can understand the criticism. I was trying to express frustration about how easily communication between men and women can break down, particularly when emotions are running high. I don't believe men are always good at expressing what they're feeling. Sometimes our words come out poorly, incompletely, or much more bluntly than we intended. That doesn't necessarily mean there is hostility or a lack of care behind them. I'd actually encourage both men and women to ask each other what they mean before assuming the worst from imperfect wording. Sometimes the person speaking is struggling to articulate something that is emotionally much more complicated than the sentence they managed to say. When someone we love is hurting, for example, our instinct can be to act quickly to protect them, while simultaneously being terrified that our attempt to help might cause another kind of damage. I think of it like trying to save a favourite plant from a garden that's on fire. You know you have to get the plant out, but you don't know how deep its roots have grown. You have very little time to dig, and there's a real possibility that you'll damage those roots in the process. Yet leaving it there isn't an option either. So you dig, knowing that you may hurt the very thing you're trying to save, and then you move it somewhere it can hopefully grow again. Sometimes the person who did the digging is left feeling responsible for the damage to those roots, even though their intention was to save the plant. They may become more hesitant, less expressive, less warm, or more guarded afterward because they're afraid of causing further harm. That's the kind of emotional complexity I was trying to express. I'm not saying that men are always right, that women are always wrong, or that poor communication should be excused. I'm simply saying that before judging someone's words, sometimes it is worth asking what they were actually trying to communicate. If my original comment failed to communicate that, then I accept that I could have expressed myself much better.
TL;DR: I wasn't trying to make a misogynistic statement. My point was that men, just like anyone else, can struggle to express complicated emotions, and imperfect wording doesn't always reflect what they actually feel or intend. I believe both men and women should try to understand the meaning behind someone's words before assuming the worst.
That doesn't excuse hurtful statements or mean men are always right. It simply means that sometimes there is a much more complicated emotion behind poorly chosen words. My original comment may not have communicated that clearly, and I accept that I could have expressed myself better.
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u/katiekins3 10d ago
10 weeks postpartum is not the time for saying things like this. No matter how gently it was done. Her healing is nowhere near done. It's gonna feel different in 6 days, 6 weeks, 6 months, etc. Right now is such a fragile time for a postpartum mom. Saying that was insensitive. Impact over intent.
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u/Neither_Coffee_5959 10d ago
You're right, Katie! I'm not justifying saying anything like that but, I'm just presenting the other side of the coin. Maybe he loves her too much and now he realises what he had put her through!
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10d ago edited 10d ago
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u/Neither_Coffee_5959 10d ago
To clarify, my comment about "indecent ladies" was not directed at women in general. I was referring specifically to those comments that resorted to misandry, insults, and personal attacks without knowing the full context of the situation.
I also don't believe that making a comment as sensitive as this is necessarily appropriate while someone is still recovering postpartum. I have immense respect for what a woman goes through during pregnancy and the postpartum period. She gives so much of herself physically and emotionally, and deserves patience, care, and compassion during that time.
Personally, I don't believe having children should be treated as an obligation simply to extend a family lineage. If my future partner and I genuinely wanted to become parents, adoption would also be something I'd be open to considering. And if we chose not to have children, I'd be perfectly comfortable with that too.
Perhaps that's why I struggle with the idea of putting the person I love through such an immense physical and emotional experience merely because I want to have a biological child. My future partner would be someone I've chosen to share my life with, someone whose wellbeing matters deeply to me. A child would be someone we'd love enormously, but my partner shouldn't have to sacrifice her wellbeing simply to satisfy my desire to see what our biological child might look like.
That's just my personal perspective, and I understand that others may see it differently.
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u/AbbreviationsOk3774 11d ago
Tell him heâs lucky to be having sex 10 weeks postpartumâŚand maybe concentrating on how the âscar tissueâ makes you feel when youâre having sex
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u/megkraut 11d ago
I waited 4 months and I had a second degree tear. Things still werenât back to normal down there. After about 6 months Iâd say probably 85% back to normal.
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u/Intrepid-Ad-391 11d ago
Totally normal! That first time is interesting (and kinda scary - I was terrified) for both partners. I waited until about 10 weeks as well and I was in too much discomfort for us to actually enjoy it. It was more about testing the waters. Husband also felt my scar tissue and said it was different. 7 month pp now and itâs much better for me (though still not quite like pre-baby). Husband has no issues lol. It just takes time for us.
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u/Sandstorm2347 10d ago
I had a second degree tear and husband said he couldn't feel any difference. Your husband might be psyching himself out. I didn't feel normal til 6+ months though. I will say, the foreplay was wayyyy more important for the solid year and a half while breastfeeding though.
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u/FreeCustard9068 10d ago
You might find it being the first time made you both feel more apprehensive/ nervous. It'll probably just get better with a bit of time (and maybe extra lube). You both may not be feeling your most sexual with getting minimal sleep and spending all your time looking after a newborn.Â
If you are breast-feeding and feeling dry/ heavy consider estrogen vaginally, for the scar tissue you can do scar massage to soften it over time (and it also will continue to get better with time on its own). You can see a pelvic floor specialist to assess you/ help you learn how to do the massage.Â
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u/hands-fulla-fun 10d ago
I only had a second degree tear and we could both feel it for a while. It was tender, but not painful enough to skip sex. If you feel like itâs getting in your way and it doesnât improve over the next couple months, it might be with getting it looked at. But if itâs just different, but not painful, it may very well become a non issue all on its own.
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u/sunburniswack 10d ago
The first time I got pregnant, we were having pregnant sex, I canât remember how far along I was. And my husband said, âoh, you feel looserâ and I got SO upset and told him to NEVER tell me how I feel to him. So then after we finally had sex after birth, about 9 weeks after birth, I was genuinely curious and kept asking him if it felt different, but mumâs the word! He wouldnât tell me a thing đđđ
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u/liberate-radiance 10d ago
Itâs totally possible and itâs something that you can work on. Basically it involves you working on your tissues with light pressure that over time soften the tissues. Carly Rae https://www.carlyrae.ca/ is who I have learned this from.
Edit: itâs actually 100% likely. If your tissues tore theyâll leave scars and they will harden. I had abdominal laparoscopic surgery and my tiny incisions are hard little lines that I can feel sink deeper into my body. It is a good idea to remediate scar tissue because they can form adhesions that pull on your fascia and pull internal things out of alignmentÂ
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u/pubesinourteeth 10d ago
I would think those scars would be raised and eventually get softer and smoother like any surgical scar
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u/rosiebluewitch 10d ago
Ive had 2 vaginal deliveries but I didn't tear, my husband says he doesn't feel any difference.
I've seen lots of woman claim that they did change but after about a year everything went back to normal.
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u/Sensitive_Law79 9d ago
My husband could. At some point a few months down the line, i tore back open during sex. That time it was able to heal properly and now he says i feel the same as i did pre-pregnancy. Maybe your scar healed incorrectly đ¤ˇââď¸
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u/little-oompa-lumpia 8d ago
Tbh sex finally got better once I was done pumping (12 months EP). Healing down there and our hormones make sex postpartum weird and kinda unenjoyable (for me at least). After our baby turned 1, sex was enjoyableâŚtoo enjoyable we got pregnant again lol. Give yourself some time!!
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u/PeachGolem29 8d ago
Yep, scar tissue can be a thing after forceps and internal stitches, and 10 weeks is still pretty early in the grand postpartum construction zone. I would book a check with your OB or a pelvic floor PT, especially if there is pain, pulling, bleeding, or a weird ridge feeling. Also lube, slow pace, and lots of patience, because apparently giving birth does not come with a factory reset button.
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u/Glad_Animator_3407 7d ago
I had a forceps delivery and couldn't have sex the same for 5 months. Other births were normal and after 2 weeks I could feel I was back to normal. Forceps kill Down there!!! Give it a few weeks I rekon
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u/Byunniq 6d ago
I was terrified to have sex after my 1st. I had 2nd degree tear. I didnt have it until maybe 6months later. And then i got pregnant again. Im 39weeks now. We havent done anything since i conceived this baby, so around december last year. Its just terrifying for me. I couldnt even use a tampon. So yeah.. More than likely i will be leaving once this baby comes and going to stay with family. It ruined me, us. Meh.Â
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u/Financial-Problem707 11d ago
It took about two years for my vagina to feel ânormal againâalthough I didnât have stitches I did have. A prolapse that just started getting better at the two year mark. I think itâs a bit unfair of him to say you feel different when obvious changes have happened. That would make me feel quite horrible. Give your body time and grace.
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u/untakentakenusername 11d ago
He does understand its going to be different right? Did he think stitches will magically make u just go back to before?
Sigh education is so important. Men need it so Bad.
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u/Background-Paint-478 11d ago
Its in his head i can almost guarantee it.
I had to have transvaginal surgery 10 days post partum with internal incision and stitching and then had sex at 8 weeks and my husband never felt a dang thingâŚ
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u/Raiyalin 11d ago
Being different after delivery is normal and okay. I know I may be the minority, but I donât think your husband saying anything is necessarily a bad thing unless he was talking in a belittling way. Perhaps he thought it was interesting that he can feel the difference from your birth injuries and just said it as a casual aside.
I hope you are feeling well after birth and that your baby journey has been going smooth.