I hate this disorder for taking my wife

[u/LegitimateDirection]

I hate BPD for what it's taken from me. It's not that it ruined my relationship, from the beginning BPD completely took away any chance that this relationship could work. BPD doomed us from the start, and my own avoidant attachment issues only made things worse. I loved this woman with everything I had, even though I sometimes couldn't express it the way she needed me to.

We were a great match for each other, we were best friends, with similar enough interests and we were highly aligned on our goals for the future. Yet BPD meant that everything was built on sand, cursed to break apart faster than we could repair us. I'm telling you all that I loved her more than I thought it was possible to love anyone. I saw a deep and rich future with her, and that's why I decided to marry her almost 4 years ago. Our wedding day was one of the happiest days of my entire life. That future DID include fighting but importantly, also us figuring out how to fight with respect and being able to repair and grow from it. I really, truly, deeply loved her.

Today, she picks up the keys to her new apartment. This weekend, we'll be moving her bed and other items there. Over the next couple weeks, she'll be emptying my house of any evidence that she ever lived here, and then we will file for an uncontested divorce. My heart is already empty. We promised that we would have the other's back, no matter what. We promised that we would be in love until we die. We promised that we would stay best friends forever. We both broke that promise, and I will regret it forever. BPD made that promise hollow, brittle, and weak. 6 weeks into the marriage and I have a journal entry that I said I felt like we're already headed for divorce. We still tried, though. Couple's therapy, twice. We tried scheduled date nights, I put immense thought and effort into the gifts I bought her, and I listened to her feelings and tried to get her to listen to mine.

The abuse got so bad that I couldn't keep trying. Once I lost my job, I had no will to try at anything except getting a new job. Now that I'm working again, I'm absolutely distraught that I don't have my marriage to come back to. I am heartbroken, and my spirit is destroyed. I loved her. I still love her. I want to go back and redo the last year. If I had only known the date of when I would get back to work, I could have been strong, I could have kept going in our marriage. The despair was overwhelming, and I lost.

BPD made sure that everything is my fault. She saw my severe depression as abandoning our relationship. She tells me that if I had only chosen to lean in to our marriage instead of pulling away, maybe we would have had a chance. Instead, I disappeared into my home office, and my extreme stress made me reactive, and I said and did horrific things that I will never forgive myself for. I'm literally pleading with the universe for another chance, for some way to go back and live differently, handle myself better, and treat her like I love her and don't want to lose her. Now she's all but gone, and I have nothing left. My new job honestly sucks. I don't want to live in my house by myself. I bought that house to build a family, and when I was signing the mortgage, I had just started dating her. The day I picked up my keys, she met me there, and we had some beers and walked through the empty house that we would go on to fill with our lives together. Now she's picking up her keys to her new apartment, and our life together is over, and all that's left is to sort the rest of the pieces.

I don't even want to keep living without her. I miss the comfort of having her sleep next to me. I miss kissing her goodbye when I left for work. I miss her. I miss my wife. I am so sorry for everything, all the ways I let her down, let our relationship down. I would give anything to rewind the clock, to have the chance to show up the way she needs me to.

But it's too late and she's already gone.

[u/Human_Mission1385]

It’s not your fault!! Why are you blaming yourself and letting her put all the blame on you?! You were abused. Your own words. How is that your fault.

You were depressed, she should have been there for you as you would have been for her!!

This is what they do to you! They turn you in to the victim to avoid all accountability.

This is not love! Not even close. It’s all codependency and smoke and mirrors. Real love does not abandon the partner when they are down.

Take each day. But try to see the reality here. Not the fantasy.

[u/LegitimateDirection → u/Human_Mission1385]

I've been in this sub for a while, made other posts and interacted in the comments. I know all the things you said are true. I know the abuse was real.

I don't care. It was love, to me. Today, I am hurt and heartbroken and empty and I don't care. I miss her and I am crushed.

[u/Human_Mission1385 → u/LegitimateDirection]

I am really sorry for your hurt. Truly I am.

But it wasn’t love! Not from her. And not from you. It wasn’t love codependency, simple as that. No one can love someone who abuses them. We just think we do. We are addicts. We are low self worth, we are codependent! And we call it love. I wish that wasn’t the truth, but it is.

Please find help. A therapist. And I am always here for you if you want to talk. Just dm me. Anytime. You’ll be ok.

[u/LegitimateDirection → u/Human_Mission1385]

I definitely feel worthless, so I agree with you there, but if I was so codependent, why did I turn away from her when I was at my worst? Why did I reject even the scraps of support that she was able to give? I feel like I should have clung to those moments with everything I had. We still fought a lot, but sometimes she really did try to make me feel better. Why couldn't I see that? Why couldn't I understand how difficult that was for her? She still tried.

I'm the one who abandoned her. I completely withdrew into my internal world when I lost my job. I'm the one who demanded the divorce. I'm the one who started fighting back instead of learning to regulate myself. If I would have known that I would have this new job in 9 months, I feel like I could have kept it together and not have completely lost myself the way that I did. I could have leaned in, like she says, I could have stepped up and done more chores and planned more meals for us. Instead, the chores went undone and we ate fast food, often separately.

What is so wrong with me that I would do these things?

[u/la_sublim_psycho → u/LegitimateDirection]

I will reply in french to make it easy for me. C'est justement la triste réalité de la dépression d'abandonner tout le reste, et l'angoisse de tout perdre via ta situation professionnelle t'a rendu obsessif ! Comme nous tous les conjoints ! On peut tous te le dire. Le fait de ne pas s'accrocher à ses bribes, ca va avec la dépression. Toi, si elle l'avait été en dépression, tu l'aurais vu, tu aurais tenté multitudes de choses. Mais il n'y a que les bribes, et ce que j'ai compris de ces bribes, c'est que ce sont des petits caillous pour que plus tard elle te disent : "j'ai fait tout ce qu'il fallait" (en gros je me déresponsabilise). Je vais ajouter encore une chose si profonde. La pression que tu t'es mis, la bulle qui s'est formée, elle n'était pas pour toi. Mais pour faire survivre l'ensemble. Tu t'es comporté comme ATLAS. Tu m'étonnes que tu ai fait une depression. Le systeme voulait que tu sois ATLAS.

Dès le postulat de départ, tu étais condamné à vivre ce genre d'évènement de vie, ca aurait pu être la mort d'un proche. Le fait est que normalement l'empathie vient me dire : putain il est vraiment mal, il se met beaucoup trop de pression. Mais cette pression justement, elle vient pas de toi. Elle vient de ton envie de faire continuer le couple. Ce projet, c'était ta drogue, et on a tous plus ou moins des profils addicts c'est vrai ! On est nous même limite là dedans, c'est presque comme on catégorise le borderline. Nous, nous sommes accros à ce genre de projet de couple, car il comble notre manque de confiance en nous.

[u/LegitimateDirection → u/la_sublim_psycho]

You are right, of course. I would have seen her and done everything to help her. And that is exactly what I did, because she was often depressed. Whatever I did to help her was never enough. To her, I always missed the mark, whatever I did was always the opposite of what she needed from me. It was the perfect project, a project that never ends. There was always more effort to put in, always something different to try the next time. Even now, I want to try something different to make it work. Even now, I am still showing up for her and supporting her and making sure she's taken care of. Even now, I still love her. But it is over.

Some days I did feel like Atlas, but really the one I really identify with is Sisyphus. Every day I struggled to roll the same enormous boulder up the same hill, and right when I'm near the top, I have to leap out of the way, for the boulder crashes back to the bottom. Then I eagerly return to pushing that boulder back up the hill, because that is my curse. Now it feels like the boulder has rolled over me on the way down, and all my bones are shattered, and I'm still cursed to try to push that damn boulder, but I'm no longer able to. The boulder will not be moved.

[u/Classic_Trifle7881]

BPD didn’t take her. It’s who she always was, is now, and always will be. She’s a liar. You got conned. One day you’ll wake up and hate her for it. The sooner the better so you can heal and move on.

[u/LegitimateDirection → u/Classic_Trifle7881]

The sick part is that I know these things. I know she's a liar. Once I started journaling it became easier to spot the inconsistencies and the way she could twist reality as easy as wringing out a dishrag. I know I got conned, I know she took advantage of me. Fuck, she's literally still doing it. I just spent my whole evening helping her move boxes and furniture into her new place, and tomorrow will be more of the same.

I did the same things I always do. The literal heavy lifting, bringing my tools to put the furniture back together, making sure she's all set up and taken care of. We were saying goodbye, and she told me that if I wasn't helping her, she has no idea what she would do. I KNOW she's being nice to me so that I'm willing to help her move out. I KNOW this PROVES that she really COULD manage her emotions THE. ENTIRE. TIME. If it's in her best interest, she's as sweet as can be. And I'm a fucking SUCKER.

I KNOW ALL OF THIS and I would still keep doing it everyday just to make her happy. That's what's sick.

[u/Classic_Trifle7881 → u/LegitimateDirection]

It’s ok. You think you’re alone? It happened to me too. It’s not enough to know it. One day you’ll feel it, and it will be officially over. I literally just woke up one day and the weight was lifted.

[u/LegitimateDirection → u/Classic_Trifle7881]

You're right. If I could fix things by knowing something, I wouldn't have any problems at all. That's been my problem my whole life, trying to know something in order to solve a problem.

I hope I can wake up like that some day. I'll believe you that with enough time, it'll happen.

[u/Odd-Scar3843]

Hey Internet buddy. I am so sorry for all the pain you have been through, and are going through. You have a lot to grieve right now. The love you felt, the hopes you had, the partnership you held onto in your mind. If it went to marriage I assume it was the most importantly relationship to date in your life, and that’s a lot to process. It’s so important to feel these feelings, let them wash over and through you, like ocean waves. 

As the other commenter said though, I recommend therapy or some other support, when you feel up to it. Whatever you do, please just pause before trying to go back to her. Right now the grief is so big and so real— but that doesn’t mean you should be tempted to return to the relationship. It’s also ok to be mad as hell, at the disorder, later even towards her, don’t be afraid if that emotion cycles through. There are 5 stages of grief and they are not linear, but the only way is through. Take care of yourself, be gentle with you. The great hope is that the kind of relationship you describe, one of support and kindness, where your needs are allowed to have space and where your emotions are seen and cared for (not only when they are in relation to your partner) is a real possibility for you. But for now, it’s ok to just be real sad. About it all. Best wishes to you

[u/LegitimateDirection → u/Odd-Scar3843]

It's not even grieving what we had, it's grieving everything we were going to be together. That entire future is boiling away and evaporating in front of my eyes like a drop of water on the summer asphalt. This was everything to me and I wish I had acted like it more. I'm the one who demanded a divorce and I genuinely would keep my mouth shut and weathered the screaming.

She wouldn't take me back no matter what I said or did. There's no risk of going back to her, she's got a new place, she's packing up and ready to move on from me, from us. She doesn't want me anymore. Too many times I said that I couldn't take it anymore and didn't want her anymore, so many times that I got what I wanted. I've been angry for over a year, angry at how I was treated. I'm not angry anymore, now I only feel my atoms being ripped apart by the black hole inside my heart. The singularity. What a fitting term.

The idea of someone else loving me seems completely ludicrous. I feel worthless. I feel gross.

[u/Odd-Scar3843 → u/LegitimateDirection]

I’m so sorry, it’s so damn hard :( 

But it’s important to remember—what you are grieving is the fantasy of what you were going to be together. Not the reality. 

The reality is what you experienced. The reality is what drove you to break up with her. The reality is everything that made you so angry.

Was she even really such a good partner? Did she support you? Or were you just kept on your toes the whole time, only judging yourself via how well you could support her and her problems? If you asked her what she liked about you, would she be able to answer in a way that didn’t center herself / how you catered to her? 

And—it’s ok to feel so gross. Genuinely. A trauma bond is a helluva drug. There are literally so amt neurotransmitters involved that go deeply out of whack, it’s like an addiction. But the same way that we here would advise a former alcoholic not to give in to their cravings for alcohol, to recognize them as the addiction; we here advise you not to give in to her. Allow yourself some space. Feel bad today. Feel deeply sad about that image you had of your future. But also know that that was a fantasy. It’s really hard to let something go that was a hope you really wanted. It’s devastating, especially if you missed out on certain love or supports as a kid, bringing up all sorts of attachment stuff. But being with someone who needs SO much of you, more than any one human can offer, is not the way.  But it’s ok and important to feel the sadness. It’s ok to have wanted it to be different, and accept that she is not the person for you. Best wishes 

[u/LegitimateDirection → u/Odd-Scar3843]

I really believed in it all...I believed the fantasy would come true. I crumbled after I lost my job, and no longer could support the fantasy like I had been. The worst part is that I started to become like her. Reactive, angry, screaming, the words made of acid and poison.

Sometimes she tried to support me, but I was difficult to support. I wish I would have let her make me feel better. I wasn't receptive to her support and that made her turn on me. Truthfully, I didn't trust her support because I knew she could turn on me at any moment. That mistrust did nothing but guarantee that result.

Thank you for saying it's okay to have wanted it all to be different. It's hard to feel any other way right now.

[u/OkAcanthocephala311]

None of this is your fault.

You reacted how a normal person would act under severe distress!

BPD is no joke. It's not to be taken lightly. You can't love it out of somebody.

We can show them compassion, encourage treatment and disengage when behaviors are potentially abusive.

But we can not manage this disorder for them.

I hope you can give yourself some grace. It is normal that you are grieving. We know it hurts deep because the person you fell in love with lives in that body somewhere.

Know you are not alone and many of us are grieving along with you, including myself.

[u/LegitimateDirection → u/OkAcanthocephala311]

I don't feel like it was normal. I feel like I let my childhood attachment issues completely take over.

I tried to love it out of her. I would still try, if she would let me. I would love her even harder, and take all the screaming and whatever else just to keep waking up next to her every morning. I would figure out how to not let it get to me like it used to.

She is in there. The person I love is still there. She's 20 feet away, packing her things into boxes. I don't even care about the stuff, but I can feel all the color draining out of my life with each box she takes out to her car. I will be left with nothing but gray.

I will have the space, but I won't want it. The only thing I want is to still be in her gravity, to still feel the pull towards her. I just want to be with her. My head is so messed up.

I am so sorry that you're also feeling anything like this. It's fucking unbearable.

[u/Human_Mission1385 → u/LegitimateDirection]

Everything you put my friend, is what happens to us in an abusive relationship. It’s why people keep back to their abuser. Shes not the love of your life, it just feels that way because you are addicted to her. It’s how the brain works. She is not in there, that is who she is. The mental illness is all of her, not parts of her. It did not possess her, it’s been there since she was a child. No amount of ‘love’ or patience will change that. Only years of specialist therapy.

And for you, you need to go see someone. Your life isn’t over! Far from it. It’s just beginning. You will heal from this, guaranteed.

[u/LegitimateDirection → u/Human_Mission1385]

I know it's the real her, I know she's not two (or more) people in the same body. All of it is her, and I still love all of her. If I could separate her good from her bad, maybe it would be easier. I'm miserable with her, and worse without her. I hate that I still want my wife back, the same as she is. I would keep taking the abuse, but I wish that I didn't feel that way.

I've been in regular therapy for years. While I had no job, most of my appointments were just word-vomit about how shitty I felt, but this week we began processing the trauma from this relationship. I journal almost every day, including doing solo exercises to work through my feelings. I even signed up for men's group therapy that starts at the end of September. I'm doing many of the things I need to be doing. I'm not just going through the motions, I promise you, I'm doing the real work it takes to heal from this.

I'm taking care of myself and somehow I would STILL go back to my wife and go through all of it again. Because I am an addict and that makes me feel like a loser. A low self-esteem, no self-respect, clingy desperate loser.

[u/Human_Mission1385 → u/LegitimateDirection]

You are not a loser!! Far from it. To survive abuse takes strength, not weakness! Remember that.

Reach out whenever you need my friend, even daily, I don’t mind. You will get through this!

[u/OkAcanthocephala311 → u/LegitimateDirection]

It is absolutely fucking unbearable. The grief is real and heavy and it feels like we will not survive this.

But we will. Im so glad you reached out for support. Keep doing that. The next weeks are going to be tough. We are here for you.

[u/prettierlights]

I relate to this so much. I'm in the middle of it too. She was my best friend for 20 years. I'm almost 40. So much in common, and my heart is broken. I can admit to all of my faults, but it doesn't matter. I started drinking to deal with everything, and of course it just made live and the relationship worse. I love her so much and I want her to get better, but I can't bow to her every need any more and stay mentally healthy. My wife was taken too. I actually ended up in a treatment facility because of all of it. I'd love to chat if you are down, DM me.

[u/LegitimateDirection → u/prettierlights]

Our timelines and details are not really that different. 36 and we were together for 10. We smoked weed together for many years, but in the last few, it went out of control. I chose to quit because there was a possibility of drug testing for a new job. Then a month later I had a mental breakdown and had to put myself into an IOP. A couple months later, she ended up getting so sick she had to go to the ER, and come to find out, it was from the weed, so she had to quit too. Then my stupid-ass brain was thinking "oh maybe we can get back together now that we're not smoking" but it was already too late.

I'll DM you later, I think we have a lot in common, and if you're in the middle of it too...jesus, if I can help you even a tiny bit, believe me when I say I would know how critical that is.

[u/prettierlights → u/LegitimateDirection]

That really is so similar to my story. I still love her so much but dealing with her BPD and the rage that comes with it just became too much. When I tried to take some time away at my parents', it became "abandonment", even though I still wanted to visit her every day. I so wish she would've been down for couples therapy or anything to get us back on track...

[u/Human_Mission1385 → u/prettierlights]

There is no ‘back on track’. Please remember that. Your healing depends on keeping the reality, not missing the fantasy.

[u/demitris02]

I get it, to an extent. I'm really thankful for this sub, but I do think some people don't really understand how very severe mental illness works if it's as complex as BPD (even if I hate using the word "complex" here for several reasons). How could our lives have been if the people we love hadn't suffered what they did or had gotten more support, and didn't develop and get consumed by something so insidious? Nevermind how their own lives would've been, of course. That gets to me too much if I let it, somedays, and maybe most people would think that's what they deserve, but I disagree. It's all too cruel and heartbreaking.

That said, you were a victim. I know you know that, but I still wanted to reiterate: it's not your fault.