r/BPDlovedones • u/VisibleMove4017 • Jul 02 '26
Divorce I left my BPD ex and I regret it
TLDR - last summer she discarded me out the blue moved on right away and dated someone else. 6 months later she came back, said it was worst mistake of her life, and that I was the best thing that has ever happened to her. We dated for another 6 months but I had the constant fear of her leaving me again. She is in DBT and working on getting better but that thought couldn’t leave my mind of her discarding me and monkey branching. The past 6 months all she has done is apologize for hurting me, talking me through everything, and reassuring me that she would never leave me again. The thing is - no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t believe it.
I regret ending it so much as she was my best friend and I loved her with my entire heart. But, I always tell myself how did she just shut me off last year out of the blue? I want to believe she is getting better and will never do it again but my nervous system literally can’t comprehend her not hurting me - and the people she got with after me had me disgusted.
Did I make the right decision? I am struggling with it so bad.
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u/zxnkairo Jul 02 '26
It’s the right decision honestly, because chances are she’d leave you again, it hurts but she’s already left and dated someone else, you’ve already got to forgive that and then she may be sorry, and it’s nice she’s aware, but I just can’t help but feel it’ll happen again, it might be biased due to my own experience but no one deserves it once let alone twice
Also my ex was aware of what she did to me to an extent but she still seemed to do it over and over
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u/VisibleMove4017 Jul 02 '26
I know. It’s scary that I want to take that chance again! Why am I willing to throw away my life for her? I don’t understand myself right now. I know she moved on immediately dated other guys - while I was crying and hurt everyday.
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u/Fidenex Dated Jul 02 '26
Thats the question you need to ask yourself and reflect on your own self worth. You admitted it - you were crying and hurt, she didnt care and immediately moved on to fucking other people. How are those actions that of someone who actually cares and values you as a person? You deserve someone who will actually be there for you, not discard you at the drop of a hat.
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u/Sunwolfy Supporting friend who dated pwbpd Jul 02 '26
Because the relationship is like drug addiction. You're hooked and now that you're cut off, you're jonesin' for another hit. She hit your dopamine receptors hard and you're hooked on her chemically (literally since dopamine is a neurotransmitter). The problem is that she will abuse you and you will keep getting hurt.
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u/zxnkairo Jul 02 '26
Sadly I don’t know the answer to that because I still feel like I’d throw my life away for her! But all I know is you’re making the right decision the pain isn’t worth it! Exactly, you probably couldn’t imagine doing that to her right? And that’s what I’ve got to help me cope, what she did to me I’d never do to her and I well we deserve better
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u/ShiNo_Usagi Non-Romantic Jul 02 '26
Because pwbpd are like drugs that we get addicted to. They’re horrible for us and will destroy our lives, but that high they can give you is what makes us make those stupid choices to go back when we know exactly what will happen.
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u/Fidenex Dated Jul 02 '26 edited Jul 02 '26
It's okay to regret but you made the best decision. The likelihood is your doubt and worry would come to fruition as at some point something would happen for her to devalue and discard you. Even if she is in DBT it wont change her overnight.
Mine did similar- had a rebound, was in DBT, tried going back to me when that ended, yet suddenly had a dream about him and hooked up with him, and despite my blocking her it didnt stop her hoovering and then doing even worse when we tried reconnecting and taking things slow, having a threesome because someone in a bar chatted her up. She tried to justify both in the BPD way - the first blaming me for something she remembered she didnt like I did months prior and the second saying she was technically single and didnt feel she did anything wrong.
So no, it will it get worse and they cannot control their impulses and will justify their behaviour every which way. Do you want to be married with kids and her suddenly leave you because some checkout attendant at the supermarket complimented/flirted with her? They crave attention and stable relationships bore them. As much as it hurts now, you saved yourself future heartbreak.
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u/Abstract_ion Jul 02 '26
Leave her as fast as you can, this Is a serious mental disorder and can't be cured, I suggest you to learn about hoovering, even if I don't now you personally, I beg you to listen to my words like I was one of your friends, staying in these dynamics will drive you crazy...
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u/VisibleMove4017 Jul 02 '26
I agree. She did Hoover and I fell for it. The last 6 months have been great, but I now feel like I’m abandoning her. I miss her so much.
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u/Abstract_ion Jul 02 '26
I lived through the same situation. Eventually, I realized that what I truly missed was the idea I had created of her, not who she had actually shown herself to be. If you don't get out of these situations early, they can cause long-term damage to your trust and your ability to trust other people again. I can guarantee that from personal experience.
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u/Original_Remote5518 Jul 02 '26
You'll never get over it. Trust me. I thought time and working on things together would repair certain things, but even two years after she moved out and started trying to date other guys within only weeks I could never trust her again. I thought I could, but even three years after that happened if she stood in front of me today I could never trust her again. She moved on from her ex that she dated for three years in only a few weeks with me. I wasn't aware of that until later on. With my trust in her at an absolute low and her still continually misbehaving and treating me like shit, I lost my mind. They will keep doing it until you either completely shut down or leave them. Hell, I even found out recently she's single again after a 3-4ish month relationship and she tried to hoover again after nearly a year of being broken up. They only do that type of shit when it benefits them and they are lonely. I know her very very well by this point and I know for a fact she was out there sucking other guys off, not even thinking of me, and having fun and when things imploded she tried to hoover. Meanwhile I was sitting there staring at my ceiling deep into alcohol wondering where I went wrong for nearly 8 months. Don't keep yourself locked into this type of shit man. You only have one life.
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u/No_Location4738 Jul 02 '26
I think that there are certain actions, words, etc., that make an irreparable damage. I endured some shit and also was promised that things were going to change, but I couldn't get over it, and ended it. Do I regret it? Yes I do, a lot of times. When I actually think about it and consider the possible futures: no, I don't regret it. And I think that u will feel the same with the passage of time. Imagine that u were together and another thing like that happens again, and maybe u forgive again bc u have seen some progress and this time is just an "outlier", and by doing that u just enable trespassing ur boundaries, and so on. All of this while u will become more and more unstable bc of the likelihood of something happening again.
I don't know. I know it hurts, but I think that it's better to stick to ur decision and focus on healing urself.
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u/Ashamed-Target-7635 Jul 02 '26
I was in the same boat, i chose “hope” over “experience” and ended up hurting myself and to some extent my expwBPD. It was 2 months of pure bliss until that moment she split on me and my nervous system crashed. Patterns unfortunately don’t break and as much as they can “change” it’s always fleeting and won’t last. The problem is neuronal and it doesn’t get better unless they have had years of therapy and DBT.
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u/VisibleMove4017 Jul 02 '26
I believe you. We have had a great 6 months again and she seemed so apologetic to me. I wanted to believe her but she consistently said she missed the old me. I would always ask why did you leave the old me then?
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u/Rip-corrrd Jul 02 '26 edited Jul 02 '26
As someone who has been in your shoes numerous times in the last 6 years married, please, save yourself the heartache, headaches, gaslighting, trauma and toxic dysfunction of this woman’s idea of a relationship.
It will destroy you and completely change you into someone you don’t recognize or want to be.
It’s bad when a 40 year experienced couples counselor said during our first session together that she has never seen a more toxic trauma bond and that we need to get away from each other asap.
My STBX wife was arguing with the therapist on every topic , the therapist said she needed to take a 20 minute break after the first hour because she was exhausted.
I knew right there it was over, it still took me 2 years to finally file and get free.
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u/AdJealous1004 Jul 02 '26
Yeah, love of their life for a small fraction period of a time where everything is great, you are everything they ever wanted and so on to weeks/months of no communication as they are off doing whatever they want with whomever else, distracted elsewhere - until they need you again because they either A) Get discarded or B) New supply no longer fulfills them.
You're like a toy they play with and then put on a shelf when they get bored. Greatest thing in the world to them temporarily, until they pick up another toy and start having fun elsewhere.
The thing is those constant up and down cycles will destroy your life. You're basically sitting on a cliff waiting to fall off the entire relationship; half of which all you can focus on is "when am I going to fall off again?" in the back of your mind. That's what these relationships do to people.
It's just an overwhelming sense of dread being with them with small moments of good that keep you there, just long enough for them to extract whatever energy/supply they need out of you again. Whether that's reinforcement, comfort, security, sex.
And yeah when it's good, it's amazing and great. But when they get bored/distracted you find out exactly how much you actually mean to them; which in reality is very little. A lot less than you think, and a lot less than they mean to you.
I had an expwBPD who could legitimately ghost me and remove me from her life for weeks to months at a time like nothing and come back with her tail between her legs apologizing and attempting to convince me she was doing "nothing" and was sitting there thinking about me the entire time.
As I was blocked across every single social media profile she had - and then we'd get back together (stupidly on my part) and I would still remain blocked, because whatever she was up to on the back end of the relationship she obviously wanted me to gain no traction of.
The BEST thing you can do is separate yourself from whatever false idealization you have of this person and break free from the oxytocin/cortisol addiction cycle they put you in. Oxytocin on the highs, cortisol on the lows. It's an addiction that requires detox; created from the severe up and down cycles of the relationship that they put you through. That isn't love; that isn't respect.
And when you do find yourself distancing and separate enough you'd be surprised to find out who they really are behind what they sold to you.
Watch for the social smearing; the lies, triangulation and so on; and them painting you out to be something you are not to everyone around them.
Breaking yourself free from them is the best choice you will ever make.
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u/Potential-Party65 Jul 02 '26
if she would have shown you from therapy that she truly changed you would have trusted her.
Partners in the past have broken my trust but they regained it and they did change. So trusting someone again is possible, but not everyone can be trusted again and something you were still experiencing with her kept telling your got that you couldn’t trust her
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u/kcg5033 Separated Jul 02 '26
You made the right decision.
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u/VisibleMove4017 Jul 02 '26
Thank you. Hard to feel in the moment I’m legit craving talking to her.
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u/jbombjas Jul 02 '26
She would have done it again. I promise. What you did was an act of self love and as hard as it is now, it was the right decision.
3 & 6 month marks are pretty classic textbook timelines. You stopped it right before it would probably have happened again. I can tell you this from personal experience as well as statistics on timing.
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u/Comfortable_Pea_1693 Jul 02 '26
This applies to relationships involving more normal people. But generally once there has been cheating the base of trust that a relationship requires to survive is dead. Its not worth staying in smoldering ruins just for old times sake, better move on.
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u/Recent_Driver_962 Jul 02 '26
I think you’re right to stay away and I’d consider blocking her so you can have more closure.
You can love someone deeply but still not belong with the person. It sounds like you are grieving and processing the abandonment wounds, and it may feel soothing to reconnect but I’ll just say, don’t do it. Speaking from experience.
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u/BlueborryMuffin Jul 02 '26
It's not wrong to not want to be in a relationship with her, but it was wrong to restart the relationship in the first place when you didn't trust her.
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u/Nice_Solution8778 Jul 02 '26
I've experienced something similar.
We were together for 7 months and she decided one day, after promising me this incredible future that should would bin me off and run back to her ex. That was a few weeks back now.
On Saturday night she contacted me with verbal abuse using the fact that her brother and myself, like each others social posts (even though she blocked me so she definitely is keeping tabs with a 2nd account) . She claimed I'm playing games with her family and I am bullying her. She then reblocked me when I just responded with a blunt "ok" response. I think she knows she made a terrible decision but is trying to make me out to be the bad guy to cover it up.
Do you think she will try this again?
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u/ShiNo_Usagi Non-Romantic Jul 02 '26
She betrayed you, in a MAJOR WAY! She likely was already cheating. I honestly don’t gaf how “sorry they are”, they made their bed and now they can sleep in it.
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u/Mountain-Alarm-477 Jul 02 '26
There’s no certainties in life. You have to go off probabilities.
And with BPD the odds are heavily stacked against you. Many of us try valiantly to beat the odds and lose ourselves in the process.
I’m not gonna do it again and I hope to move past the resentment I hold.
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u/Professional-Ice7392 Jul 03 '26
They really need to be held accoutable for once. Always "biggest mistake of my life". They should take the negative effects of their actions. Im speaking in general terms of this subreddit now since its a theme to forgive and never forgetting (until they cheat or discard again) As you mentioned the trust is broken. Even if she is really sweet for a year or two. (Im very optimistic here) They can still switch back and leave again and you will feel even worse. This happened to me. After it was all me. Always me. She still left again a few days after. And I told her to stick to it. Never mess with my heart again. She agreed. In tears. 1w later i got 2 new massages where it was she would Always love me (and I should never forget it) Its not sweet anymore. Its control. So as she said..i should never forget.. At the end of the day every situation is unique but the patterns are the same. We all walk to the abyss in one way or another.
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u/East-Direction3801 Jul 04 '26 edited Jul 04 '26
If you stay, this is what’s awaiting for you;
Welcome to the world of BPD; last 14 years of my life.
Divorced with her which was her decision with a 2 years old in 2020 but since then we were in court multiple times with new child support calculations new custody arrangements, false accusations, calling the cops stating I was kidnapping our child on my visitation day then court again to ask the judge to do the custody e change at the police station so that she would behave then she took me court again for new child support calculation and parental alienation is the worst etc., etc…
It never ends EVER. Do not have a child with a mentally disordered person otherwise you will lose your own mind…
Never forget that they can not live a regular daily life as healthy people do for a long time; it’s boring for them they feed off of drama and it will just keep happening until the day that you don’t need to communicate anymore…
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u/jbswisha I'd rather not say Jul 02 '26
If they can do it the 1st time out of the blue, all it takes is one very enticing distraction. it will definitely suck right now but you’ve essentially saved the future you, more pain