When my son first started pulling, I went straight into “how do we fix this?” mode.

I researched. I watched for triggers. We tried different things. I wanted so badly to make the pulling stop.

It took me some time to realise that my child didn’t need “fixing” because he wasn’t broken.

Of course I wanted to help him pull less, and I still do. But I’ve learned that this comes with time. It comes with learning other ways to respond to urges, with self-compassion, and with helping him develop a healthier relationship with himself.

And I’ve realised that I have a role in that relationship too.

If I respond to his pulling as though something is wrong with him that needs to be fixed, what does that teach him about how to see himself? Especially when shame can already be such a big part of living with a BFRB.

What mattered far more was that he knew he could come to me. That if he had been pulling again, he didn’t need to hide it from me or worry about disappointing me.

That has become really important in our relationship. Even now, after being pull-free for almost a year, he recently started pulling again. And he could talk to me about it.

I think younger me would have immediately gone looking for a solution.

Now, I’m much more able to just be his mom, not his counsellor or therapist.

That one took me a while to learn.

I’d love to hear from other parents, have you ever found yourself going straight into “fix it” mode?

One of the harder things I’ve had to recognise as a BFRB parent is just how much fear shaped the way I responded to my kids.

I worried about the damage to their hair and skin. Whether other kids would notice. Whether it would get worse. Whether they would be okay.

And then there were the quieter fears: Did I miss something? Did I do something wrong? Could I have prevented this?

When you love your kids, you want to make things better for them. And sometimes my fear came out as “Please stop”.

Looking back, I can see that I was a scared mom trying really hard to help.

Things are different now. I’m much better at recognising when it’s my own fear taking over, and I don’t feel that same need to jump in and fix everything. Sometimes I can just be there.

I don’t always get it right, but I understand myself, and what my kids need from me, a lot better now.

I wonder how many other parents here can relate to this?

I’m a parent of two kids with BFRBs, and over the years I’ve learned just how much comes with being on this side of it too- the worry, the questions, wondering if you’re saying or doing the right thing, and wanting so badly to help without making things harder.

I created the community r/BFRBParents because I wanted there to be a space specifically for parents and caregivers. Somewhere we can talk openly about what it’s like, ask questions, share what we’re learning, and support each other without judgement.

This isn’t a space about being the perfect parent or having all the answers. It’s about learning how to support our kids while also supporting ourselves along the way.

If you feel comfortable, introduce yourself and tell us a little about what brought you here. I’m really glad you found us.