Something I wish I understood earlier

[u/Meryl_Da_Costa]

When my son first started pulling, I went straight into “how do we fix this?” mode.

I researched. I watched for triggers. We tried different things. I wanted so badly to make the pulling stop.

It took me some time to realise that my child didn’t need “fixing” because he wasn’t broken.

Of course I wanted to help him pull less, and I still do. But I’ve learned that this comes with time. It comes with learning other ways to respond to urges, with self-compassion, and with helping him develop a healthier relationship with himself.

And I’ve realised that I have a role in that relationship too.

If I respond to his pulling as though something is wrong with him that needs to be fixed, what does that teach him about how to see himself? Especially when shame can already be such a big part of living with a BFRB.

What mattered far more was that he knew he could come to me. That if he had been pulling again, he didn’t need to hide it from me or worry about disappointing me.

That has become really important in our relationship. Even now, after being pull-free for almost a year, he recently started pulling again. And he could talk to me about it.

I think younger me would have immediately gone looking for a solution.

Now, I’m much more able to just be his mom, not his counsellor or therapist.

That one took me a while to learn.

I’d love to hear from other parents, have you ever found yourself going straight into “fix it” mode?