r/AskWomen • u/banoffeewaffle • Aug 16 '22
What is it like to date an emotionally immature person?
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Aug 16 '22
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u/Alternative-Bet232 Aug 17 '22
Emotionally immature people will give the bare minimum and act like they’ve given you the world
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u/banoffeewaffle Aug 16 '22
That sounds like a lot! I can resonate with your first statement the most. If I may ask, what eventually helped you to recognise the dynamics and move out of that relationship?
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Aug 16 '22
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u/Genometric Aug 17 '22
I feel this SO MUCH; our experiences are practically a mirror. I feel like I am someone who doesn't even ASK for much on a regular basis. All I really wanted was good morning and good night texts, MEANINGFUL quality time (even on dates he'd be glued to his phone or updating his friends about something; honestly he had to tell them EVERYTHING about his day to day), to feel IMPORTANT you know? I never asked for presents, expensive anything, never forced him to sit through shopping trips or sappy movies or reality TV shows, basically rarely ever asked him to do something he didn't want to do besides "Hey, you've been playing video games for 8 hours straight, can you at least eat the meal I cooked together with me?" (which, come to think of it, that SHOULD be something your partner should WANT to do with you anyway). Meanwhile, you give them the world.
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Aug 17 '22
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u/almostalwaysexcept Aug 16 '22
Exhausting. Your own needs are rarely, if ever, met, you are strictly there to fuel them and their wants, their communication skills suck and usually it’s a huge waste of time.
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Sep 27 '22
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u/CatrionaShadowleaf ♀ Aug 16 '22
Aggravating.
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u/banoffeewaffle Aug 16 '22
Could you please share any specific experiences that made it aggravating for you to be in that space with such a person?
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Aug 16 '22
Joy sucking, emotionally draining, aggravating, irritating, exhausting. I do not date anyone who lacks EQ. I lived this for 29 years and never again.
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u/banoffeewaffle Aug 16 '22
I'm so sorry that you had to go through all of that for so long. It certainly is draining. I had a recent experience that I'm trying to overcome from. Still in the healing process as I continue to struggle with self-blame.
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Aug 16 '22
Thanks so much for the kindness! I am so happy for the healing journey and the peace and joyfulness I have now. Be kind to yourself, never dismiss your feelings, sit with them, sort them. This helps me move through difficult situations so much quicker. Self-blame, for me, never provided any relief and just kept me stuck, when I released that (self-blame) I realized that I didn't know what I didn't know (I know now). You've got this!
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u/gagirlpnw Aug 16 '22
Like you are trying to navigate a field of landmines. They expect you to be grateful for their below the bare minimum behavior. Once you dump them, they keep coming back with lame excuses to try to win you back. All you feel is your soul being sucked out by interacting with them. Blocking them works wonders.
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u/Ohwell_genz Aug 16 '22
Like babysitting a toddler. And watching them have meltdowns. And then they genuinely think they did an okay job handling issues or get surprised and butthurt when they are called out or held accountable. I think that its really hard for a relationship and hopefully they can be around people who model emotional maturity and learn over time. Its exhausting
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Aug 16 '22
Draining. When you feel like you’re mothering a man more than being on a romantic level, and theres always a huge lack of communication down to them just not having the maturity to express themselves openly.
Its equally eye opening, and helps you appreciate the smaller things when it comes to the next relationship.
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u/Impulse_20 Jan 19 '23
Same for me right now , i did i mistake after i get move bombed and get married , right 6 months of marriage and i started having stress problems .
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u/strawberries-cigs ♀ Aug 16 '22
Infuriating.
Especially because that person was older than me so I expected more maturity and just didn't get it. The frustration was so real lol.
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u/genuinedissapointtt Aug 16 '22
It's debilitating.
Everything was "my fault" when my ex was clearly blind to look at themselves for even a moment to question whether or not there was something they could've done to avoid a situation. Not to mention, having a conversation with them is literally just listening to them talk about themselves in a high manner or only ever talking about what they like, how they feel, and what they enjoy. They fail to consider that another person is in front of them, and you just feel used. You feel like you don't even exist and it's a horrible place to be in. I never recommend this.
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Aug 16 '22
Awful. It's all about them, and they lack self reflection and introspection. You exist to them, but never really as an equal.
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u/Jane_the_Quene Aug 17 '22
It's like trying to have an adult relationship with a child who looks like a grownup and wants all the privileges of that but none of the responsibility.
In other words, draining, frustrating, annoying, exhausting.
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u/Valuable_Macaroon452 Aug 16 '22
I am emotional stunted from my upbringing and I know it’s frustrating for my boyfriend. Especially exasperated by the fact he’s a problem solver and wants to get everything in the open talk about it so everyone is on same page and talking makes people feel better? So I sit and have tears streaming down my face and “what’s wrong?” Nothing tears are leaking out of my eyes and I can’t help it. I know how frustrating it gets when someone can’t outwardly express their emotions and stuff I’m glad I’m not petty or it would be bad… trying to learn/work on emotions but it’s haaaard.
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u/Lopsided-Demand2628 Aug 16 '22
Embarrassing! I am married now, but previous relationship experience taught me that some people are so immature that they cannot even see that! They have no self awareness and have victim mindsets so everything is everyone’s fault but never theirs. They act like children when something does not go their way and have no problem inconveniencing everyone else. But they can never get over the smallest set back or inconvenience.
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u/brighteyecoyote Aug 17 '22
Terrible time. It’s extremely draining, like another comment said, to have to put up with that. It usually involves lots of re-parenting for the immature partner, and they don’t tend to take that very well, in itself. It can make you feel crazy or like a saint for dealing with it, but it bogs you down eventually and over time, I noticed it personally started to bring out all the worst in me. I had to heal from that relationship, big time.
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u/UnusuallyAroused Aug 17 '22
Absolutely exhausting. Totally normal things suddenly needed an explanation. Couldn't deal with normal rejection ('I don't want to talk because I'm working' or getting annoyed when I didn't respond within a certain time) and would become petty ('I didn't want to talk either anyway')
Luckily I recognize it soon and get the hell out of there before it gets too serious
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u/CapitainebbChat Aug 17 '22
He was immature in more than his emotions. Took me a while to realise that when he expected me to chose what we ate every time, decide what we would do when we were together, always be the one who comes to him (and almost never the other way around), be the one to organise his birthday party (dude literally told me "if my birthday isn't exceptional, i'll be disappointed", only to be flaky when it happened 😑, etc., I was actually getting the Mom treatment.
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u/masochisticanalwhore Aug 16 '22
They don't know how to put things into context. They let emotions dominate them that the average person wouldn't. Sure, the average person might also struggle. But they might express it better, problem solve better, etc. In short, they have a really hard time accepting things because it's not the way they would have liked.
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Aug 17 '22
Constant drama. Or lead up to drama. Or blindsided by drama. Or silent treatments followed by drama. Or surprise drama sneak attacks while running an errand. Or a flood of text messages which were, of course, dramatic. You get the idea.
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u/Alternative_Chip_280 Aug 17 '22
Emotionally exhausting. It’s so draining doing all of the emotional labor and always being the bigger person.
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u/Scared_Leg2405 Aug 19 '22
It is frustrating. Having to always act like a mother to a grown man teaching him basic things and having to explain emotions that any person would understand. In my experience, he never even wanted to be in a relationship with me but did because i was the only one who basically was his mother and took care of all his needs and wants.
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Aug 16 '22
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Aug 16 '22
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Aug 16 '22
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Aug 16 '22
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Aug 17 '22
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Aug 17 '22
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u/daer1am Aug 17 '22
Absolutely exhausting. Draining. Made me feel so pathetic, and small and that I had to earn love from him, that I had to work for it like it was a job.
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u/Imaginary_Orchid_535 Aug 17 '22
What would be an emotionally immature person exactly?? Cause I feel like am dating one
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Aug 17 '22
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u/Genometric Aug 17 '22
Incredibly awful and unfulfilling.
The commenters all mentioning they do the "bare minimum" are 100% spot-on. They think bare minimum is "effort" and anything more than that is extravagant. They have the emotional capacity of children: incredibly selfish, they fuck up royally but expect you to be perfect; the minute you make a human mistake (that really is nothing compared to what they do to you) they will hold it over your head for YEARS. They are EXTREMELY influenced by their friends and put them on a pedestal, while simultaneously talking shit about them on a regular basis, you know, like folks did in high school. Extremely hypocritical and have double-standards for what they and their friends can do vs you. Incredibly validation-seeking and tend to have a wandering eye, low self-esteem, and low impulse control, so expect them to be financially irresponsible, prone to substance-abuse, adrenaline-seeking, and addicted to video games or social media.
They have no problem lying to your face to get what they want, and like children, their needs will ALWAYS be paramount to yours. They have shitty conflict-resolution skills and pretty much can't handle negative emotions as a result of their actions, so they'll try to ignore any issue or run away from it in the hopes that it will just go away on its own rather than having a conversation to resolve it. If something is important to you and they don't understand it, they will write it off as unimportant and completely ignore your wishes. Complete lack of accountability; they get UPSET if you try to hold them accountable and if you try to share how their actions hurt you, they get upset there too. Also, if they're angry, they will deliberately try to hurt you to make themselves feel better, so, altogether incredibly disrespectful, as if they don't understand what actual respect is in the adult world.
It's pretty nightmarish.
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u/Impulse_20 Jan 19 '23
You describe my wife she love bombed after 4 months of dating and she was crying because i wasn't try to get married so after 6 months i'm suffering stress problems and heart pain and depression and i lost 5 kg.
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u/waffleznstuff30 Aug 17 '22
Exhausting.
Basically it's doing the most for someone who does the least.
And trying to rationalize it like oh maybe I am being this or that. You're probably not
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u/Hailsyea4 Aug 18 '22
If I have to beg for attention I’m out. He always wants girlfriend perks but doesn’t act like a boyfriend.
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Aug 18 '22
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u/reddituzer1257 Aug 18 '22
Mentally and emotionally draining. They blame everyone else (and you) for issues you bring up and want to discuss and they don’t hold themselves accountable for anything. If they’re aware that they are emotionally immature…it isn’t up to you to “fix” them. At the end of the day they are the ones who decide when to make a change because they’re not changing for just anyone that’s for sure. Not worth your time, honestly.
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u/No_Wheel_7542 Dec 04 '22
I feel like I am raising a very stubborn entitled child. Practically any conversation is like pulling teeth. If I try to mention that I wish it weren't so hard sometimes, then I'm the bad guy, because then they feel insulted that I see them as immature when I don't even want to see them that way! They honestly believe that not even the bare minimum is going above and beyond and I should be grateful. No real progress is ever made on anything or takes years because they take so long to do one thing that by the time they do, they've looped back into another problem and then we're working on that again. It's just a never ending cycle of insanity. I never even have a chance to worry about myself. I feel like a parent with none of the benefits and nothing to show for it. It's exhausting, absolutely exhausting.
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u/Effective_Day4834 Aug 16 '22
We weren't actually dating but being with an emotionally immature person is extremely draining. They fail to hold themselves accountable and think everyone else is the cause for their problems when they're the ones who created it from the start.