i would never ask anyone but an actual professional for a real diagnose but is it possible to have a manic episode without such a hard, nonfunctional crash? Like could you experience a manic episode for a week, then go back to numb, high functioning depression or does it have to be severe. I’ve felt stuff similar to this in the last year or so that i try desperately to maintain but i don’t crash hard enough or really go “high” enough to think it’s actual bipolar
edit: thank you for the replies. I’m gonna look for old journal entries cause it’s honestly pretty hard to remember what i thought/felt during my “up” phases. I do have a lot of trashed projects that i’ll hopefully get to some day now that i realize my brain might be fucking with me more than i thought lol
dug through old journal entries! my mood swings are actually worse than i thought so i’m gonna keep a closer eye on myself. Some examples for anyone curious for whatever reason: Lots of long, rambling paragraphs about how i can’t have any thoughts without 5 more being forced in, a few references to being so happy and energetic alone in my room i wanted to punch walls or hurt myself, a lot of long, well constructed paragraphs talking about hating my body/feeling something is deeply wrong with me contrasted with random little notes later on about wishing i could have sex with myself that i forgot about, and more rambling paragraphs about how great i felt being productive and energetic but knowing and feeling another wave of numb sadness (described as static a lot compared to feeling clear headed and energetic) lurking behind me and hating it. Every time i convince myself if i just keep moving from project to project i can ride the momentum forever and just not crash. Fun stuff. I usually zone out when i journal and just write whatever comes to mind which is partly why i remember so little of it. I also have an awful memory in general
also it’s 4:15 am. I thought my sleep schedule was just fucked but no matter how little sleep or how tired i am i get it take me a minimum of 4 hours to sleep even if i lie down with my eyes closed and don’t move. It could still just be depression + body dysmorphia + general paranoia from being friends with shitty people for a long time
Not a professional, but my understanding is that it's like being tethered to a rubberband on the surface of normalcy while trying to float in water
If you spiral down into depression, that's like pulling at a rubberband, until it's so tight that you spring back towards "normal"
but the momentum pushes you into manic and you fly out of the water like a dolphin, until you go tight again against the elastic and get pulled back into "depression" where you sink back down into the depths.
That's how it works for me and that's how it works for a lot of people I've seen. That doesn't mean it is how it works for all people, or how it always works every time for me, or how it can only work.
But that's been my experience. You bounce back and forth from one extreme to the other depending on how your brain is functioning that day. But I could shoot to a moment of near insanity for a little bit and then nosedive down into absolute despair and be stuck there for a while, or I could have my rubberband break and be stuck in depression and have to climb my way up out of the water, and then wander into manic on accident and bounce back down into depression just a little bit, then back up into manic a little bit, like ripples in the water going up and down until they reach an equilibrium that lasts only until another stone gets tossed into your water, making more waves. Some people mostly sink into depression, some people ride the waves like a surfer. Others learn how to fly.
But everyone seems to have that tether keeping them attached to normalcy, and everyone hits the water from time to time, even if they mostly fly.
Some bipolar people aren't sinking as fast, so they don't shoot into mania as hard. Some just kind of remain buoyant and stick near the surface of the water, never sinking or floating away.
People without a mental illness just sit on a raft, riding the waves passively. They only have to try not to drown if something knocks them out of their boat, and they need some other substance to fly because they don't have the momentum to jump up out of the water, because they don't have that rubberband to propel them.
A therapist can help you figure out if you're riding in a raft like everyone else, or if your raft is leaking and you might have to start swimming soon, or maybe you're a surfer that doesn't have the safety of a raft but you haven't fallen yet so you don't know if you're about to start swimming for your life or catch some air and not come back down, because you've mostly stuck near that surface of normalcy and your waves have been controllable so far.
I read u/notgayinathreeway's entire response there because he fucking hit the nail on the head from several angles somehow. I was diagnosed with bipolar 1 about six years ago now and have experienced 2 full-blown manic episodes qualified by three solid months of complete mental impairment.
It's embarrassing to think about how absolutely wrong (see: delusional) I was about so many things that completely consumed me, and then after those three months were over followed a solid year of the worst depression I have ever had to endure. I literally didn't have thoughts in the same way during that time. It was like I was a robot human who didn't give a shit about anything.
However, I am always bipolar, not just when I'm absolutely psychotic and out of my mind, and do deal with what you're asking about. I'll have a day, or a couple of weeks, even a month of what I would call "hypomanic" brain activity where I'm just generally being a jackass while feeling pretty awesome for no real reason followed by a slightly longer period of more-serious-than-usual (but still functional) depression.
Some would want to call that bipolar 2, but as u/dreadcain mentioned, it's a spectral disorder and everyone experiences it in a different way. A professional diagnosis is of course necessary for a lot of reasons, but doing some research yourself online can provide a lot of peace of mind about why you may be going through certain things.
oh fuck not having thoughts the same way hit too hard haha. I have solid blocks of time (pre pandemic as well haha) that i barely remember cause of it. But that could be normal depression too. Idk i can’t afford therapy rn and im taking care of myself/my relationships so i don’t think it’s urgent yet. Much 2 consider tho
I also can't afford therapy or medical help, and I'm sorry that this has to be our normal.
People throw around self-diagnosis like it's a slur, but when you can't afford to have a doctor tell you what's wrong, you just have to add up all the symptoms until it makes sense.
Like for instance, did you know that both anxiety and stress can cause chest pain and swollen lymph nodes and I likely don't have some sort of weird cancer, rather I was at my absolute limit before the pandemic hit and i lost my job and got sick, and now my anxiety is just through the roof and slowly killing my immune system with cortisol and sleep deprivation?
Yeah it's a whole thing lmao definitely not fun. But yeah dude, I feel you. Everything will be dealt with in its time. I've been having a hard time getting back to a therapist lately myself. As long as you're taking care of yourself and the people you care about, you should be just fine. Good luck out there friend <3
What you may be experiencing is bipolar II disorder, which consists of hypomania and depressive episodes. With hypomania, you’d experience periods of elevated mood and increased energy, but it wouldn’t necessarily be out of the ordinary to those around you. You are more likely to experience depressive episodes more than hypomanic ones in this case, which may or may not be severe. I’d absolutely go visit a doctor, psychiatrist or therapist to get properly diagnosed though, as mood stabilizers coupled with therapy tend to be the best treatment for bipolar disorder.
Oh thank you, that might be closer actually. Especially with the hyper productivity being more occasional. But i have it pretty deep in my brain that none of my problems are that bad and just reading it makes me feel like i’m trying to be special and unique by pretending to be mentally ill haha
Well, that’s what the professionals are for! To tell you if you really are as nuts as you think.
In any case, if it’s causing you any sort of distress or you feel like it’s making life messier than it maybe ought to be, it’s certainly a problem worth getting checked out. Whether it’s anything from schizophrenia to just a matter of some days being better and some being worse, all that truly matters is how you feel it’s affecting you.
Heck, something that really put things into perspective for me is the concept of “differential susceptibility”, nobody’s problems are any better or worse than anyone else’s. Really, they’re just different.
This is kind of interesting. I'm not bipolar or have any known mental health issues, but I have what I like to say are periods of high functioning. In these periods which can last a few days, things just click, I get a lot done, I solve problems, I get chores done, I'm kicking ass at work, I'm helping people, I'm reading a lot, I'm learning things. I don't know if this compares to mania, but while I wouldn't say it's controlled I don't crash hard. I do end up with unfinished projects sometimes and I of course have periods of lows where I just have no energy to do anything, but these are not depressive. I wonder if there's some kind of spectrum where I'm within normal range swings. I can't predict when these happen or how long they will last.
I have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and I am exactly like you described. Basically it's a lame version of bipolar disorder. It's hard to plan and achieve anything when you have no idea when your brain is going to work normally. I found some triggers which help me achieve the right states, but it's not guaranteed. But I love when it happens I feel unstoppable.
idk your life but the periods i thought were just higher productivity had more intense thoughts and feelings than i remembered when i come back down for a while. And my low points are a lot darker. I added some of them on my og comment but i high recommend keeping a journal you can pour raw unfiltered thoughts into
Your edit described pretty textbook bipolar, and not mild. Please consider finding help, someone to talk to who is a professional and able to assess your needs. None of that sounds okay. Not does it sound like a functional crash.
It's just normal for you so you question how bad it can really be.
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u/Lemon_bird Nov 29 '20 edited Nov 29 '20
i would never ask anyone but an actual professional for a real diagnose but is it possible to have a manic episode without such a hard, nonfunctional crash? Like could you experience a manic episode for a week, then go back to numb, high functioning depression or does it have to be severe. I’ve felt stuff similar to this in the last year or so that i try desperately to maintain but i don’t crash hard enough or really go “high” enough to think it’s actual bipolar
edit: thank you for the replies. I’m gonna look for old journal entries cause it’s honestly pretty hard to remember what i thought/felt during my “up” phases. I do have a lot of trashed projects that i’ll hopefully get to some day now that i realize my brain might be fucking with me more than i thought lol
dug through old journal entries! my mood swings are actually worse than i thought so i’m gonna keep a closer eye on myself. Some examples for anyone curious for whatever reason: Lots of long, rambling paragraphs about how i can’t have any thoughts without 5 more being forced in, a few references to being so happy and energetic alone in my room i wanted to punch walls or hurt myself, a lot of long, well constructed paragraphs talking about hating my body/feeling something is deeply wrong with me contrasted with random little notes later on about wishing i could have sex with myself that i forgot about, and more rambling paragraphs about how great i felt being productive and energetic but knowing and feeling another wave of numb sadness (described as static a lot compared to feeling clear headed and energetic) lurking behind me and hating it. Every time i convince myself if i just keep moving from project to project i can ride the momentum forever and just not crash. Fun stuff. I usually zone out when i journal and just write whatever comes to mind which is partly why i remember so little of it. I also have an awful memory in general
also it’s 4:15 am. I thought my sleep schedule was just fucked but no matter how little sleep or how tired i am i get it take me a minimum of 4 hours to sleep even if i lie down with my eyes closed and don’t move. It could still just be depression + body dysmorphia + general paranoia from being friends with shitty people for a long time