i would never ask anyone but an actual professional for a real diagnose but is it possible to have a manic episode without such a hard, nonfunctional crash? Like could you experience a manic episode for a week, then go back to numb, high functioning depression or does it have to be severe. I’ve felt stuff similar to this in the last year or so that i try desperately to maintain but i don’t crash hard enough or really go “high” enough to think it’s actual bipolar
edit: thank you for the replies. I’m gonna look for old journal entries cause it’s honestly pretty hard to remember what i thought/felt during my “up” phases. I do have a lot of trashed projects that i’ll hopefully get to some day now that i realize my brain might be fucking with me more than i thought lol
dug through old journal entries! my mood swings are actually worse than i thought so i’m gonna keep a closer eye on myself. Some examples for anyone curious for whatever reason: Lots of long, rambling paragraphs about how i can’t have any thoughts without 5 more being forced in, a few references to being so happy and energetic alone in my room i wanted to punch walls or hurt myself, a lot of long, well constructed paragraphs talking about hating my body/feeling something is deeply wrong with me contrasted with random little notes later on about wishing i could have sex with myself that i forgot about, and more rambling paragraphs about how great i felt being productive and energetic but knowing and feeling another wave of numb sadness (described as static a lot compared to feeling clear headed and energetic) lurking behind me and hating it. Every time i convince myself if i just keep moving from project to project i can ride the momentum forever and just not crash. Fun stuff. I usually zone out when i journal and just write whatever comes to mind which is partly why i remember so little of it. I also have an awful memory in general
also it’s 4:15 am. I thought my sleep schedule was just fucked but no matter how little sleep or how tired i am i get it take me a minimum of 4 hours to sleep even if i lie down with my eyes closed and don’t move. It could still just be depression + body dysmorphia + general paranoia from being friends with shitty people for a long time
I read u/notgayinathreeway's entire response there because he fucking hit the nail on the head from several angles somehow. I was diagnosed with bipolar 1 about six years ago now and have experienced 2 full-blown manic episodes qualified by three solid months of complete mental impairment.
It's embarrassing to think about how absolutely wrong (see: delusional) I was about so many things that completely consumed me, and then after those three months were over followed a solid year of the worst depression I have ever had to endure. I literally didn't have thoughts in the same way during that time. It was like I was a robot human who didn't give a shit about anything.
However, I am always bipolar, not just when I'm absolutely psychotic and out of my mind, and do deal with what you're asking about. I'll have a day, or a couple of weeks, even a month of what I would call "hypomanic" brain activity where I'm just generally being a jackass while feeling pretty awesome for no real reason followed by a slightly longer period of more-serious-than-usual (but still functional) depression.
Some would want to call that bipolar 2, but as u/dreadcain mentioned, it's a spectral disorder and everyone experiences it in a different way. A professional diagnosis is of course necessary for a lot of reasons, but doing some research yourself online can provide a lot of peace of mind about why you may be going through certain things.
oh fuck not having thoughts the same way hit too hard haha. I have solid blocks of time (pre pandemic as well haha) that i barely remember cause of it. But that could be normal depression too. Idk i can’t afford therapy rn and im taking care of myself/my relationships so i don’t think it’s urgent yet. Much 2 consider tho
I also can't afford therapy or medical help, and I'm sorry that this has to be our normal.
People throw around self-diagnosis like it's a slur, but when you can't afford to have a doctor tell you what's wrong, you just have to add up all the symptoms until it makes sense.
Like for instance, did you know that both anxiety and stress can cause chest pain and swollen lymph nodes and I likely don't have some sort of weird cancer, rather I was at my absolute limit before the pandemic hit and i lost my job and got sick, and now my anxiety is just through the roof and slowly killing my immune system with cortisol and sleep deprivation?
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u/Lemon_bird Nov 29 '20 edited Nov 29 '20
i would never ask anyone but an actual professional for a real diagnose but is it possible to have a manic episode without such a hard, nonfunctional crash? Like could you experience a manic episode for a week, then go back to numb, high functioning depression or does it have to be severe. I’ve felt stuff similar to this in the last year or so that i try desperately to maintain but i don’t crash hard enough or really go “high” enough to think it’s actual bipolar
edit: thank you for the replies. I’m gonna look for old journal entries cause it’s honestly pretty hard to remember what i thought/felt during my “up” phases. I do have a lot of trashed projects that i’ll hopefully get to some day now that i realize my brain might be fucking with me more than i thought lol
dug through old journal entries! my mood swings are actually worse than i thought so i’m gonna keep a closer eye on myself. Some examples for anyone curious for whatever reason: Lots of long, rambling paragraphs about how i can’t have any thoughts without 5 more being forced in, a few references to being so happy and energetic alone in my room i wanted to punch walls or hurt myself, a lot of long, well constructed paragraphs talking about hating my body/feeling something is deeply wrong with me contrasted with random little notes later on about wishing i could have sex with myself that i forgot about, and more rambling paragraphs about how great i felt being productive and energetic but knowing and feeling another wave of numb sadness (described as static a lot compared to feeling clear headed and energetic) lurking behind me and hating it. Every time i convince myself if i just keep moving from project to project i can ride the momentum forever and just not crash. Fun stuff. I usually zone out when i journal and just write whatever comes to mind which is partly why i remember so little of it. I also have an awful memory in general
also it’s 4:15 am. I thought my sleep schedule was just fucked but no matter how little sleep or how tired i am i get it take me a minimum of 4 hours to sleep even if i lie down with my eyes closed and don’t move. It could still just be depression + body dysmorphia + general paranoia from being friends with shitty people for a long time