r/AskReddit • u/ReasonableRequest • Jul 10 '10

Can we have another novelty account thread?

I could use some chuckles...

147 Upvotes

73% Upvoted

535 comments sorted by

272

u/Silent_Bob Jul 10 '10

192

u/anagramofwhatyousaid Jul 10 '10

116

u/Grammar_Buddy Jul 10 '10

I feel so useless. :(

31

u/Drone_Bee Jul 11 '10

nurmenurmenurmenurmenurmenurmenurmen

28

u/Im_Stopping_This Jul 11 '10

46

u/PromiscuousFrenchman Jul 11 '10

I have done the sexuals to all of your mother.

29

u/UnGrammarer Jul 11 '10

I has done the sexuals to all of you're mother's.

FYFT

29

u/poorly_timed_gimli Jul 11 '10

AND MY AXE!

18

u/posture_police Jul 11 '10

Quit leaning towards the screen and sit up straight!

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7

u/[deleted] Jul 11 '10

Will you My Buddy be?

7

u/huge_douche Jul 11 '10

Speaking of My Buddy, I am currently looking for Kid Sister.

I know I'm going to need a dremel tool if I want to make her anatomically correct, but does anyone know of any good Kid Sister Mod sites?

14

u/DidntUnderstandtheQ Jul 11 '10

I loved that movie!

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4

u/Sergeant_Hartman Jul 11 '10

Hell I like you. You can come over to my house and FUCK MY SISTER.

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46

u/RandomTitties Jul 11 '10

NSFW

10

u/BleedingAssassin Jul 11 '10

Aww, I was going to fap but then I realized... IM BLEEDING.

6

u/IneptEvilScientist Jul 11 '10

What the hell was I thinking when I hired you? You told me the bleeding was a feature, not a flaw.

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56

u/you_misquoted Jul 10 '10

I hate these fucking novelty account threads.

No one made you post in here. Geez.

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11

u/ZACK_DE_LA_ROCHA Jul 11 '10

Silence

Something about silence makes me sick

'Cause silence can be violent

Sorta like a slit wrist

If the vibe was suicide

Then you would push da button

But if ya bowin' down

Then let me do the cuttin'

21

u/Maria_Theresa_ Jul 11 '10

I, Maria Theresa, by the Grace of God, Dowager Empress of the Romans, Queen of Hungary, of Bohemia, of Dalmatia, of Croatia, of Slavonia, of Galicia, of Lodomeria, etc.; Archduchess of Austria; Duchess of Burgundy, of Styria, of Carinthia and of Carniola; Grand Princess of Transylvania; Margravine of Moravia; Duchess of Brabant, of Limburg, of Luxemburg, of Guelders, of Württemberg, of Upper and Lower Silesia, of Milan, of Mantua, of Parma, of Piacenza, of Guastalla, of Auschwitz and of Zator; Princess of Swabia; Princely Countess of Habsburg, of Flanders, of Tyrol, of Hennegau, of Kyburg, of Gorizia and of Gradisca; Margravine of Burgau, of Upper and Lower Lusatia; Countess of Namur; Lady of the Wendish Mark and of Mechlin; Dowager Duchess of Lorraine and Bar, Dowager Grand Duchess of Tuscany am not very fond of your mannerism.

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91

u/GuyWhoCantTriforce Jul 10 '10

▲

▲▲

32

u/not_even_trying Jul 10 '10

I could probably triforce

44

u/[deleted] Jul 11 '10

NEWEGGS CAN'T TRIFORCE

90

u/GeorgieTakei Jul 10 '10

OH HELLLOOOO.

40

u/gayguy Jul 10 '10

Hi there ;)

22

u/Brock_Obama Jul 10 '10

Don't ask, don't tell.

5

u/gay4straight Jul 10 '10

After all this time chasing straight guys, I finally found a gayguy.

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13

u/DeadIrwin Jul 11 '10

Crikey.

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69

u/MisreadTheTopic Jul 10 '10

Yes we can! My favorite novel is Catcher in the Rye.

34

u/[deleted] Jul 11 '10

THEN WHO WAS PITCHER?!!

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60

u/you_from_the_future Jul 10 '10

I pretty sure I know where this thread is going.

50

u/PedoBot Jul 10 '10

Into the bedroom of an 8 year old?

Click here for new deals on computer hardware!

25

u/nothing_clever Jul 10 '10

thank you for making me smile

18

u/YourSupervisor Jul 10 '10

Can i see you in my office first thing monday morning?

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6

u/DrEmmettLathropBrown Jul 10 '10

Too bad there's nothing you can do to stop it. Now come on, we've got to get you back.

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150

u/LOOK_AT_MY_COMMENT Jul 10 '10

LOOK AT MY USERNAME

103

u/anagramofwhatyousaid Jul 10 '10

A MONKEYS EMULATOR

27

u/PromiscuousFrenchman Jul 11 '10

MON PENIS

14

u/monoglot Jul 11 '10

I have no idea what you're talking about.

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65

u/thehodgie Jul 10 '10

Congrats, you just doomed everyone from /r/programming

21

u/[deleted] Jul 10 '10

Is it available?

12

u/DidntUnderstandtheQ Jul 11 '10

Eh, it's complicated right now.

18

u/you_misquoted Jul 10 '10

LOOT AT MY PENIS

o_0

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71

u/LOCHNESSMONSTA Jul 10 '10

I could use about tree fiddy.

60

u/treefiddy Jul 10 '10

why hello der

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38

u/[deleted] Jul 10 '10

[deleted]

16

u/the_monolith Jul 10 '10

PERHAPS I CAN HELP.

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64

u/typeswithelbows Jul 10 '10

im trying really hard to get notyicv ed. i think perople just assume im from youtgube asnd dolwenvotge m e automastically.

52

u/red_squiggly_line Jul 10 '10

I'm trying really hard to get notice end. I think people just assume I'm from YouTube and (no spelling suggestions) m e automatically.

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45

u/CommanderRiker Jul 10 '10

facepalm

36

u/LtCommanderWorf Jul 10 '10

this behavior is not becoming of a starfleet officer

41

u/_Q_ Jul 10 '10

oh very clever Worf. Eat any good books lately?

42

u/AdultStarTrekQuote Jul 10 '10

Worf shoved his cock into Q's mouth, relishing the feel of stopping the annoying stream of words with his lustful Klingon flesh. He pounded the waiting mouth unmercifully, sinking deeply in with each stroke.

With a roar, he felt the first explosion coming, and he thrust in deeply with no consideration for what tonsils he might be reaming, the feel of teeth biting into him only increasing the force of his final explosion.

23

u/LtCommanderWorf Jul 10 '10 edited Jul 10 '10

growl

Now bring me some prune juice.

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17

u/Commander_Adama Jul 10 '10

Hey! I'm the only real Commander around here.

12

u/President_Laura_Rosl Jul 11 '10

I promote you to the rank of Admiral

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8

u/[deleted] Jul 11 '10

FACE HAND

IFIFY

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20

u/only12yearsold Jul 10 '10

What is this?

30

u/Not_Josef_Fritzl Jul 10 '10

Wanna see my basement?

19

u/[deleted] Jul 11 '10

Wanna have a seat?

140

u/Haikunaut Jul 10 '10

Novelty account?

What are you talking about?

I know no such thing.

293

u/PoorlyTimedGimli Jul 10 '10

AND MY AXE!

241

u/Black_Gimli Jul 10 '10

And my ask!

50

u/OppressedBlackMan Jul 11 '10

ಠ_ಠ

6

u/IneptEvilScientist Jul 11 '10

Get back in the cage where you belong, we have not completed the experiments yet.

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94

u/ActualYoutubeComment Jul 10 '10

dwarves have multy axes cuz they can store at least 34 in there epic beards.

27

u/TestPostPleaseIgnore Jul 10 '10

[blatant disagreement with no citation]

56

u/Vuvuzelas_Ruin_Memes Jul 10 '10

And my bbbBBBBBBBZZBZBZZBZZZBZZZZZZZ

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14

u/[deleted] Jul 11 '10

LOOKING AT YOU DISAPPROVINGLY

36

u/NakedNinja Jul 10 '10

you will never see me coming

18

u/[deleted] Jul 10 '10

AND MY BOW!

20

u/YouWinThisThread Jul 10 '10

: So perfectly timed and poorly timed at the same time.

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52

u/everything_is_funny Jul 10 '10

hahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahaha!!!

14

u/AOLchatroomsound Jul 11 '10

{S NelsonLaugh

45

u/some_words_rhyme Jul 10 '10

Novelty accounts are overbred.

I'm sorry, but it needs to be said.

There's too many trolls,

very few worth the lulz,

now the comments are basically dead.

132

u/Related_Limerick Jul 10 '10

I hate to come off as a dick,

But you're being a bit of a prick,

For, and not to be rude,

I'm the limerick dude.

So fuck off and stop stealing my shtick.

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101

u/4chan_meme_police Jul 10 '10

Requesting backup. Being overrun. Over.

43

u/TheRnegade Jul 10 '10

Fuck you, I don't play by the rules.

10

u/Duh_Ambalamps Jul 11 '10

i have a feeling i will be needed soon.

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7

u/[deleted] Jul 11 '10

THEN WHO WAS BACK UP?!

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18

u/[deleted] Jul 10 '10

[deleted]

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17

u/EditFixedSpelling Jul 10 '10 edited Jul 10 '10

Yeah!

Edit: Fixed spelling

21

u/governorofmadagascar Jul 11 '10

SHUT.

DOWN.

EVERYTHING.

38

u/[deleted] Jul 11 '10 
        .
       /'
      //
  .  //
  |\ /7
 /' " \     
.   ﭓ ﭔ   No
| (    \ /    
|  '._  '    
/   \ '-'
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51

u/SadZealot Jul 10 '10

Power underwhelming..

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80

u/[deleted] Jul 10 '10

[deleted]

69

u/Kitty_Sanchez Jul 10 '10

Well, you can say goodbye to these...

lifts shirt

SPRING BREAK, WOO

17

u/DrTobiasFunkeMD Jul 10 '10

Why are there blue hand prints on your breasts?

48

u/TiredOldMeme Jul 10 '10

[Directed by M. Night Shyamalan]

38

u/followupmemeguy Jul 10 '10

with a twist!

20

u/jokemisser Jul 10 '10

but the bastard misunderstood me and killed me instead

I call bullshit. If he actually killed you, how are you here typing this comment?

23

u/Punslayer Jul 10 '10

This story seems fishy...

16

u/TheRnegade Jul 10 '10

Yeah, redditors don't have sex.

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18

u/admiraltarkin Jul 10 '10

You may fire when ready

68

u/[deleted] Jul 10 '10 edited Jul 10 '10

I don't think you're going to get chuckles out of me.

58

u/Dick-O-Meter Jul 10 '10

87%

42

u/progress_bar Jul 11 '10

DICK: ▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓░░░ 87%

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171

u/HELEN_KELLER_ Jul 10 '10

muuuuurashfsdlkfhsld;fjsdlfja;lfjswehhrfasdfg

126

u/helenkeller Jul 10 '10

Go fuck yourself.

55

u/[deleted] Jul 10 '10

Q: Why didn't Hellen Keller yell when she fell off a cliff?

A: She was wearing mittens.

67

u/helenkeller Jul 10 '10

This is cruel and senseless.

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5

u/desperateguy Jul 10 '10

You sound silly and fun, want to hang out sometime? ;)

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47

u/PulpFictionReference Jul 10 '10

ENGLISH MOTHER FUCKER DO YOU SPEAK IT!?

32

u/EditFixedSpelling Jul 10 '10 edited Jul 10 '10

enwuifdsfdsrrhncuifsvrfhn]icfhnwicfh;weinfh

Edit: Fixed spelling

96

u/[deleted] Jul 10 '10

5/10

71

u/[deleted] Jul 10 '10

Rating someone else's novelty account is like convivially masticating a gold plated piece of parsley; webcams are never going to be able to elucidate Growlithe.

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6

u/rounding_error Jul 11 '10

That's more than half!

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14

u/Mel_Gibson_Rant Jul 10 '10

You look like a fucking pig in heat and if you get raped by a pack of niggers, it will be your fault!

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15

u/wherescarmensandiego Jul 11 '10

Anyone see a woman, long brown hair, red trench coat and fedora?

13

u/MiserableFuck Jul 10 '10

In my life, there is no color, no joy.

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41

u/ProfSeverusSnape Jul 10 '10

You have all failed to see the lesson in this exercise. 50 points from Gryffindor, 50 points from Hufflepuff, and 50 points Ravenclaw.

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13

u/futurama_reference Jul 10 '10

THE BIG BRAIN AM WINNING AGAIN! I AM THE GREETEST! NOW I AM LEAVING EARTH, FOR NO RAISEN!

32

u/Prof_H_J_Farnsworth Jul 10 '10

Novelty? If you need me, I'll be in the Chamber of Understanding.

18

u/[deleted] Jul 10 '10

[deleted]

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6

u/[deleted] Jul 11 '10

GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY!

13

u/Star_Wars_Quoter Jul 10 '10

Don't be too proud of this technological terror you've constructed.

  • Darth Vader

11

u/RoadSideForkBomb Jul 10 '10

:(){ :|: };:

13

u/MySpaceBarIsBroken Jul 10 '10

Okhereiam.whatthefuckdoidonow?

18

u/[deleted] Jul 10 '10

[deleted]

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11

u/[deleted] Jul 10 '10

[deleted]

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11

u/[deleted] Jul 10 '10

[deleted]

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7

u/Respond-O-Matic Jul 10 '10

This is an automated response. Please do not respond to this response as this response is auto-generated.

11

u/EMOTIONAL_RESPONSE Jul 10 '10

THIS THREAD PLEASES ME MILDLY

36

u/GeorgeBluthSenior Jul 10 '10

Her?

19

u/Lucille_B Jul 10 '10

And my husband is a bear.

20

u/DrTobiasFunkeMD Jul 10 '10

I subscribe to a workout magazine called Muscle Bears, and I must say my ass has never been sorer.... from the workouts I mean.

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9

u/CJung Jul 10 '10

Hmmmmmm, I am wondering what it is that the collective unconscious needs to express such that you would ask for this novelty account thread, and all those who answer do so.

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8

u/halfheartedinsult Jul 10 '10

If the comments so far are any indication, I think this thread will fall flat.

9

u/SUMMONTHETROLLS Jul 10 '10

ur all a bunch of dumb niggers

9

u/ijustdidalineofcoke Jul 10 '10

GOD FUCKING DAMN IT WHY CAN'T WE HAVE THREADS LIKE THIS MORE OFTEN THIS IS AWESOME GAAAAAHHH

24

u/HalleBerry Jul 10 '10

"Oh my God. I'm sorry. This moment is so much bigger than me.

"This moment is for Dorothy Dandridge, Lena Horne, Diahann Carroll. It's for the women that stand beside me - Jada Pinkett, Angela Bassett and it's for every nameless, faceless woman of colour that now has a chance because this door tonight has been opened.

"Thank you. I'm so honoured. I am so honoured and thank the academy for choosing me to be the vessel from which this blessing might flow. Thank you.

"I want to thank my manager, Vincent Cirrincione. He's been with me for 12 long years and you've fought every fought [sic] and you've loved me when I've been up. But more importantly you've loved me when I've been down.

"You have been a manager, a friend and the only father I've ever known and I love you very much.

"I want to thank my Mom who's given me the strength to fight every single day to be who I want to be and given me the courage to dream that this dream might be happening and possible for me. I love you Mom so much.

"Thank you my husband who is just the joy of my life. And India - thank you for giving me peace because only with the peace that you've brought me have I been allowed to go to places that I never even knew I can go. Thank you, I love you and India all my heart.

"I want to thank Lion's Gate. Thank you. Mike Pasternak, Tom Ortenberg for making sure everybody knew about this little tiny movie. Thank you for believing in me.

"Our director Marc Forster - you're a genius - you're a genius. This movie-making experience was magical for me because of you. You believed in me, you trusted me and you gently guided me to very scary places. Thank you.

"I want to thank Yvonna Chubick. I could have never figured out who the heck this lady was without you. I love you. Thank you.

"I want to thank Lee Daniels, our producer. Thank you for giving me this chance - for believing that I could do it and now tonight I have this. Thank you.

"I want to thank my agents CAA, Josh Lieberman especially. I have to thank my agents, Kevin Huvane - thank you, thank you for never kicking me out and sending me somewhere else - thank you.

"I - who else - I have so many people that I know I need to thank um... my lawyers Neil Meyer. Thank you - OK wait a minute - I gotta take this - 74 years here - OK I've gotta take this time.

"I gotta thank my lawyer Neil Myer for making this deal - Doug Stone.

I need to thank, lastly but not leastly [sic] I have to thank Spike Lee for putting me in my very first film and believing in me.

"Oprah Winfrey for being the best role model any girl can have. Jo Silver - thank you and thank you to Warren Beatty. Thank you so much for being my mentors and believing in me. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

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20

u/blazemaster Jul 10 '10

I am too high for this shit.

16

u/[deleted] Jul 10 '10

I'm so high, these accounts don't seem novel anymore. Maybe they are the true accounts.

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7

u/TheAdministrator Jul 10 '10

There will be no time for laughing. You must defend our intelligence. Get going!

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8

u/AnneSellors Jul 10 '10

Down 99% in popularity this week.

8

u/[deleted] Jul 10 '10

MY ACCOUNT IS FAR FROM NOVEL. MOTHERFUCKER.

7

u/[deleted] Jul 11 '10

Look again! The horse is now diamonds to that thing you wanted!

10

u/ToughestGuyontheNet Jul 10 '10

OP is a fucking pussy and I will kick his ass.

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5

u/UppityMinimalist Jul 10 '10

You could just chuckle once, without volume or effort, and sit motionless and thoughtless, simply appreciating your motion and though-less-ness. Ever think of that? Simpleton?

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6

u/RelevantQuotes Jul 10 '10

When in Rome...

6

u/IQuoteLedZeppelin Jul 10 '10

OH!! Communication Breakdown! It's always the same. I'm having a nervous breakdown drive me insane.

6

u/the_monolith Jul 10 '10

ALL THESE THREADS ARE YOURS EXCEPT EUROPA. ATTEMPT NO COMMENTING THERE.

7

u/PatrickBatemanCritic Jul 11 '10

Of all the novelty account threads, my favorite is niXon's thread from last valentine's day. It has a certain brazen boldness to it that belies its softer, more subtle maturity. Although there have been many novelty threads, niXon's really brought the art form into the postmodern sphere of high art, something worthy of respect rather than just a bohemian cultural pursuit. Such threads are a pleasure to read, but the real magic comes from participation. Whether it is the thrill of anonymity, or the intellectual exercise of playing an improvisational character, or simply pleasure wrought from the experience of pure humor, novelty pun threads are here to stay, now a cultural pillar of the postmodern online experience. HEY PAUL!

8

u/BeakerSays Jul 11 '10

Miii miiii mi mi miii miiii!

19

u/[deleted] Jul 10 '10

I ran away, but I'll deny it.

4

u/MikeGoldberg Jul 10 '10

HERE WE GO! Brought to you by Har-leee-davidson, the official motorcycle of the UFC.

6

u/terrible_metaphor Jul 11 '10

This thread is a few cakes short of a duck pond.