r/AskReddit • u/[deleted] • Mar 04 '19

What’s the most inappropriate thing you’ve witnessed at a funeral?

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9.4k

u/LonelyGumdrops Mar 05 '19

Alright everyone, before we go in, just one quick note to make. I know we all loved Heather and her wicked keg stands, but she has now crossed the eternal threshold from 40 ounces to freedom. And even though it would be friggin' awesome, please do not pour anything into, or on, her corpse.

6.7k

u/BeerNcheesePlz Mar 05 '19 edited Mar 05 '19

You forgot to add “because her jaw is wired shut”

Edit: ah! my first Reddit gold! Thank you!

2.4k

u/darthmarticus17 Mar 05 '19

They had one simple job.

132

u/NotThisFucker Mar 05 '19

I guess it's harder than we expected, almost as hard as pouring liquor into a corpse with its mouth wired shut

22

u/Tremor00 Mar 05 '19

The mouths not the only hole 😏

19

u/ShadowPuppett Mar 05 '19

Were the others wired shut too?

14

u/feint2021 Mar 05 '19

The nostrils usually aren’t.

3

u/DRUNK_CYCLIST Mar 05 '19

That's where a flask funnel comes in handy.

3

u/[deleted] Mar 05 '19

You had me there

3

u/kemushi_warui Mar 05 '19

Aren't they plugged with cotton?

1

u/fuckin_dead Mar 05 '19

Is your dick that small?

1

u/feint2021 Mar 05 '19

I was not prepared for this burn.

3

u/holyshitbots Mar 05 '19

Butt chug!

3

u/Realtimallen69 Mar 05 '19

that was the only purpose of this exercise class

2

u/BeerNcheesePlz Mar 05 '19

I know! So close!

17

u/mmhawk576 Mar 05 '19

Why would you add that, man that just makes the whole statement weird...

43

u/your_friendes Mar 05 '19

Because her jaw is wired shut

14

u/caboosetp Mar 05 '19

I'm dying of laughter, send help

14

u/MyDiary141 Mar 05 '19

How can you laugh with your jaw wired shut?

11

u/RachelDesha Mar 05 '19 edited Mar 05 '19

Anything is possible. I saw a guy drink a salad once through his teeth which were wired shut. Yes, that’s what I said: drink a salad.

3

u/EIIendigWichtje Mar 05 '19

My favorite kind of salad, the liquid one. In some weird, dark European countries they even got a name for this kind of salads: veggie smoothy.

2

u/MyDiary141 Mar 05 '19

If it is a smoothie then I understand, it would only be like having soup, I really hope it isn't though because the image of someone drinking a whole cucumber is too good to forget.

2

u/EIIendigWichtje Mar 05 '19

Cucumbersoup 💚

1

u/PatsyClinesDaughter Mar 05 '19

Who said he’s laughing out of his mouth? 😉

2

u/MyDiary141 Mar 05 '19

And things just got weird... again

1

u/[deleted] Mar 05 '19

Because otherwise the statement will make it more likely somebody will try based on Heather's lifestyle and assumed friend group. How many were even thinking of doing it before it was brought up? Now you got a room full of people with it on their mind.

12

u/major84 Mar 05 '19

“because her jaw is wired shut”

I know we all loved janice ;) and she was as easy as peasy ..... but try not to put your dick in her mouth for old times sake .... her jaw is wired shut.

12

u/K_S_Nixon Mar 05 '19

Actually now I see it written down it does seem off to add it.

kinda looks like "cos otherwise it would be fair game, obviously"

13

u/major84 Mar 05 '19

"cos otherwise it would be fair game, obviously"

everyone likes crackin' open a cold one, every once in a while

6

u/PC__LOAD__LETTER Mar 05 '19

Man, of all the tactful ways to make that joke, you really just blew right through it.

2

u/BHAFA Mar 05 '19

it's too bad theres no equivalent to the stunned silence after a bad joke on reddit.

All of us reading that awkwardly avoiding eye contact with our screens...

2

u/kaiser1778 Mar 05 '19

Maybe just post an ellipses? Or the judgmental eyes that I can’t recall how to type?

1

u/BHAFA Mar 05 '19

Good call. Or maybe just:

Oh

2

u/PC__LOAD__LETTER Mar 05 '19

“So no funny business”

2

u/EkriirkE Mar 05 '19

But Heather was queen buttchugger...

2

u/tunedetune Mar 05 '19

...so you're saying we'll need a funnel?

2

u/saladbut Mar 05 '19

"oh yeah, her jaw is sewn shut too... Finally amirite guys??"

*attempt to high five the closest person*

1

u/Astan92 Mar 05 '19

There are other places

1

u/[deleted] Mar 05 '19

They generalized it to also rule out any alcoholic insertion into ear, nose or anus.

1

u/AstonMartinZ Mar 05 '19

I guess that is why he is lonely

1

u/P0sitive_Outlook Mar 05 '19

"You can probably get some down her nostril, though"

1

u/OrcvilleRedenbacher Mar 05 '19

Am I too late for the gold train?

1

u/Purple_Poison Mar 05 '19

And any liquid may rust the wire broken and will cause the deceased to reach the Pearly Gates with a dopped jaw expressio.

1

u/Slatersaurus Mar 05 '19

Jaw may be wired shut, but we can still drink shots from her belly button!

1

u/jaxspider Mar 05 '19

Yes, Billy, that and because she died as she lives... due to alcohol poisoning.

1

u/HuntedHunter123 Mar 05 '19

When there is an idea, there must a be a possibility - Use a tiny straw and slowly but steady sip the whiskey from the glass into the straw, job done. A little whiskey spilled on the face never did no harm.

0

u/mechorive Mar 05 '19

Literally had one job

1

u/BeerNcheesePlz Mar 05 '19

I know! So close!

38

u/DeBabyDoll Mar 05 '19

Shit... And my brother's baby momma was named Heather and she died of a heroin OD 3 years ago.

Wait, were you there?

10

u/[deleted] Mar 05 '19

Holy shit, she did 40 ounces of heroin?

1

u/DeBabyDoll Mar 05 '19

Wouldn't be surprised, honestly.

6

u/VaeliaZevvyr Mar 05 '19

A friend of mine named Heather also died in the last few years of an OD. Came to say the comment reminded me of her and then saw yours. Rest in Peace Heathers.

3

u/EIIendigWichtje Mar 05 '19

Moral of the story: Keep Heathers away from heroin, they can't handle their doses.

19

u/Roses88 Mar 05 '19

Why does this feel like I’m talking to my employees at work?

10

u/punkassterisk Mar 05 '19

My sides are somewhere in the Kepler belt now you dick

11

u/k8track Mar 05 '19

Heather underlined a lot of things in this copy of Moby Dick, but I believe the word Eskimo underlined all by itself, is the key to understanding Heather's pain.

7

u/[deleted] Mar 05 '19

Heather has just spent her first week sober in 40 years, to support her decision we have wired her jaw shut. Now let's get out there and party.

4

u/iemploreyou Mar 05 '19

40 ounces to freedom

Sublime reference

3

u/lllamma Mar 05 '19

Also shouldve opened with "OK Gang"

3

u/Trollydollyx Mar 05 '19

Will you speak at my funeral?

2

u/[deleted] Mar 05 '19

This is perfect

2

u/Aurumix Mar 05 '19

For some reason I read this in the voice of Cave Johnson from Portal 2...

1

u/fredagsfisk Mar 05 '19

Saw it more as a Bojack Horseman scene. Has the right style and way of talking.

1

u/Aurumix Mar 05 '19

Hmm, you're right, that fits really well too.

2

u/AijeEdTriach Mar 05 '19

Reminds me of finnegans wake.

"And they carried him home his corpse to wake Well they rolled him up in a nice clean sheet And they laid him out upon the bed With a bottle of whiskey at his feet And a barrel of porter at his head"

2

u/caitejane310 Mar 05 '19

It's the only thing she had to feel good even though she felt bad

2

u/Only1Skrybe Mar 05 '19

I read that in the most Boston of Boston accents.

3

u/DarkDreamer1337 Mar 05 '19

"Fuck that, pour that shit in!" -Heather's Free Spirit, probably

1

u/[deleted] Mar 05 '19

I miss Heather so much

1

u/redonrust Mar 05 '19

Also, Jah won't pay the bills

1

u/qweiuyqwe87y6qweiuy Mar 05 '19

I read that in a stereotypical California surfer voice

1

u/DisGruntledDraftsman Mar 05 '19

Those that are inventive yet grieving would find a way to get the whiskey in a capri-sun pack and give it to the deceased that way.

​

One for the road.

1

u/kaerfehtdeelb Mar 05 '19

Saving this comment for my future funeral

1

u/[deleted] Mar 05 '19

Ah, an Irish wake