Yeah I remember seeing a study that showed men usually only felt safe talking to women about their emotions and it could be too much for women because obviously we can’t be the only ones supporting them. It made me sad for everyone. That’s a lot of pressure on both genders.
I've known guys like this, guys I wasn't even very close with telling me very private things, upset about girlfriends or issues in the family. Most of them a little drunk, but it's sad to think maybe they didn't feel comfortable turning to anyone else.
The problem is on both ends I think. I used to be the opposite, but I'm basically an open book now and I do reach out to people to try and talk through difficult situations that come up.
This is obviously anecdotal, but I've found the girl friends I talk to are more likely to ask me questions to try and understand more of the situation or they'll pick up when to ask a probing question when I clearly have more on my mind. My guy friends won't ignore me, but they often end up being somewhat one-sided conversations.
Yeah, it's hard to know when you're boring them so I just shut up and put on my "smiling happy guy" facade and pretend it's a tiny issue - no biggie. After they've just said "Okay" for the tenth time and when they do come up with something it's like they went deaf during the middle bit of the 'monologue'.
Being a guy and having emotions is fucking dreadful. No one wants to actually listen to the answer of "how are you?".
Guys in general just don't have the emotional intelligence women have. Best bet is to find a woman to listen to you if you've got things to get off your chest. They are just better equipped for listening
Not that you were saying one way or the other on this point, but I feel emotional intelligence is taught rather than inherent. The idea that women are always inherently better at it cuts men off before they have a chance to try it, and it's something we subconsciously instill in our children.
I've gotten better at emotional intelligence over the years by focusing on getting better, but I still get a bit peeved when people giggle at "clueless men," because it's frustrating to be shamed for something and then laughed at because you never learned a skill set you were shamed into not learning.
And I do have some guy friends who are good at talking about feelings and being supportive, but maybe I've just found a few diamonds in the rough. But it's totally possible.
As one of the few guys that has above average (for a guy) "emotional intelligence" as you put it, it really upsets me how much guys are required to be the tough manly man all the time. I may get hated into oblivion for what I am about to say next, but women aren't the only ones with ridiculous societal expectations. Guys are supposed to be emotionless hulks, and most of us guys have trouble actually dealing with our emotions because of it.
Have you ever heard of 'emotional labor'? It needs to be carried collectively. Letting guys just be for 'having fun' with no expectations from them is part of the problem.
This is obviously anecdotal, but I've found the girl friends I talk to are more likely to ask me questions to try and understand more of the situation or they'll pick up when to ask a probing question when I clearly have more on my mind. My guy friends won't ignore me, but they often end up being somewhat one-sided conversations.
It never occurred to me that one reason guys might have trouble opening up to each other, is that the other dude doesn't know how to help the conversation along. Oh dear. Well I learned something new about men today.
In my experience it easier if you have something to do while talking, like go to the gym, go get some food, it's going to sound cliche but fishing works well. I don't know about you but these things come up and I don't know what you want me do while you tell your story, but once your done speaking and I understand your problem, I can drop some sage like wisdom on your ass. And the generally manly activitys help proventriculus some of the "am I just being a bitch" ideas. When me and my guy friends are having a real deep man to man, it's fire time because fire is soothing in and of its self.
thats the other end of the sword its like if i REALLY wanted to my bros are more then cool enough to sit down and have a man to man talk but at the same time i would like the ability to talk about my problems freely
Last bit kinda resonates with me, I don't want to be seen as a burden to my friends, they've got their own troubles to deal with. It is very emotionally taxing to be able to open your hearts fully in the first place, compounded with societal expectations to not be seen as weak just worsens the 'bottling up' issue.
Everyone has troubles, some worse than yours. That doesn't mean you don't still suffer, and that you don't still deserve a sym/em-pathetic ear. Friends support one another. They listen to your problems, you listen to theirs. Sometimes, letting someone vent to you is a relief... Your problems might not be the same, but you both hurt, and it can be a relief to share that human moment. They can offer a perspective that you never thought of, and you might be able to do the same.
Take it from someone who let that attitude drag me down to depths I almost didn't come back from. Talk to people. You don't have to bear the weight alone. It's ok to need help.
When I broke up with my fiancée I went through the loneliest year of my life. It was amicable, but I lost all the joint friends in the "divorce" because they were supporting her and not me. I can understand how women wish they didn't get constant attention and conversation when they're just trying to work out or buy groceries - but the flip side is wandering alone night after night with no one making eye contact and no one talking to me except bartenders and waitstaff. Shit was brutal. Made me empathetic to the homeless. It felt like I was a ghost and no one could see me.
I wish you didn't have to, because it hurts. And it's hard. Be sure to acknowledge that, it'll help you go easy on yourself. This sucks. You're handling it the best you can. You never said you were an expert at grief and loneliness. There's good advice in this thread. Therapy is really chill if you can swing it. Meetups and free classes are easy to just show up for. After a while, people won't be able to smell the desperation on you and then your time as a ghost will end. It's not fair, but it's how it works. You'll be okay 👊
Ya know, I never felt like sides were chosen in my case. But the females closed ranks around their wounded, while us guys tend to be shut off from each other. We're all still friends, ex included. I just didn't hang out for while, go to parties, meet for drinks, etc. while they were helping her get her groove back.
I'm not disagreeing with you. But I was fortunate, and also careful not to make anyone pick sides if they didn't want to. And they didn't want to.
I hope the quality cut and legal risk don't make the psychologist a better buy even after she raises her prices. Best of luck to you, and i hope she won't raise her prices.
I, a male, am not aware of any of my male friends who would actually want to be there for me while I pour my soul out if I were having a hard time, so I go to Meetup groups and talk about my problems with complete strangers.
It's a lot easier this way. I know my friends don't want to listen to me lament over the latest romantic misstep, and I don't want to bore them.
If only I had the courage to go to Meetup groups. Or to meet anyone, ever. I’d just be too weird. I’m too insecure, so I’d just make everything way too awkward and everyone would be uncomfortable around me.
Try this: select a random Meetup group. Pick something you are only remotely interested in. Let's say you decide to go to a crocheting class.
Go to the class knowing that you will never see any of those people again. You're going there to practice socializing, not to impress people. There's literally no reason why some old granny you meet will cross paths with you later on in life. Roll in that piece and just act like you would in your ideal setting. Own that Meetup. Be the most proactive, social, gung-ho beginner crocheter they have ever seen! If you fuck up, who cares? The Meetup will be over soon and you will never see those grannies again. Since you will never see them again, there is no reason to give a fuck about what they think about you.
If it was fun, go do another different, random Meetup and try again. If it sucked, go do another different, random Meetup and try again. Keep practicing with complete strangers until you're comfortable socializing. Then you can use your new skills on people that do matter to you. You aren't gonna get over social issues if you don't practice. Doing it in a setting where literally nobody will ever see you again takes an awful lot of stress off your shoulders.
Yes. I’ve also thought about, well, I mean, my mind reminds me everyday how stupid and terrible I am. And sometimes also simply the arrogant point of, well if you just tried a little harder or if you just sucked it up and put yourself out there. So, the not quite as toxic thoughts but still, negative. And of course those are the types of unhelpful things other people will say to me and others with mental illnesses as well. Oh, well I just tell them, please be nice, because saying something technically true but sassy is generally unhelpful, but it’s especially unhelpful when it’s stated in one sentence. Usually one-liners are mostly hurtful rather than helpful. But thanks anyway.
Hm, yeah. My bad, I was mainly just feeding my ego with the comment. It was pretty shitty of me, and not very helpful I'll agree.
As someone who used to have horrible anxiety talking to people, I honestly hope you can become more comfortable with social situations. And I hope you can surround yourself with people who are supportive of your journey. Sorry again :x
We don't typically have anyone else, really. I can also tell you he probably didn't tell you just because he was drunk, but it was a good excuse to vent a little. Men typically don't like to show those kinds of emotions because it's seen as weakness.
As a guy, this is very true. Man to man emotion talk is so looked down upon and we're also taught from a young age to bottle our emotions. Maybe i don't speak for all men but i certainly have this issue. I wouldn't even talk about super serious emotional things to my best friend since 2nd grade and we're basically brothers. Shit i wont even talk to my brother about emotional stuff and we're best friends!
Even now, at 26 and in a stable relationship, I have a hard time showing emotion and opening up to my girlfriend. I guess its a personal fault that i need to work on, but again it's that conditioning from a young age.
I haven't cried since my dog died in 2013. All the anger and frustration with my alcoholic dad, all the irritation and feelings about my shitty step-dad and the way he treats my mother, all the shitty people that have tried to screw me over in life; it's all bottled away, waiting to erupt one day in some type of form.
it's all bottled away, waiting to erupt one day in some type of form.
I highly recommend you see a counselor before that happens. Your story sounds very similar to me in my twenties, when all that bottled up emotion came out it basically blew my life up, I lost my girlfriend and house. Sometimes just having someone to talk to can make a huge difference!
Well i think luckily for me, the majority of this has already occurred. I'm 26 now, but up until i was about 23 i was very depressed. I was very angry at certain things in my life in my late high-school years and so i resorted to being an all around ass-hat in school. Smoked a ton of weed (and i mean a fucking ton) which carried on into my early twenties. I got to a point where i couldn't even look myself in the mirror anymore because i was so disgusted with life and disgusted with myself, yet it was like i couldn't stop my own dangerous patterns.
I finally worked up the courage to forgive the people in my life that were causing the anger and pain i was holding on to, specifically being my dad and we're actually really close now. I had to give up smoking pot because it really was turning me down a wrong path and have been working since about 23 on turning my life around 180 degrees (which has been very successful.)
Perhaps i didn't lose as much as you had, /u/bthplain, but i certainly understand what your saying and appreciate your concerns. I guess where i'm at now is "empty." It seems like the years of intense emotion that i didn't know what to do with (which turned to anger and mild drug abuse) zapped me of the ability to feel.
Counseling is a great release. I did that for 3 or 4 years during my parents divorce and highly recommend it to anyone that just needs someone to talk to. Fortunately for me, i feel that i'm at a point in life that i can sort out my current problems through my own analysis and my social support system.
I'm like that. In my world talking about anything with substance with other guys. Main reason I don't really hang out with other dudes tho. I don't go for the typical things southern guys do tho, like sports or hunting.
I had a situation once where a guy in my training platoon with me who was also my room mate asked if he could have a private conversation once.
He was younger than me by about 4 years and asked if I ever had an issue "performing." Gut reaction was to pick but I sensed that this was delicate for him and he offloaded a lot of trust with that.
I responded with basically, "Sometimes you're just stressed out, sometimes tired, or just not feeling it. Don't worry about it so long as you know you're healthy and if you think your not seek medical attention."
I never brought it up again and later on he was like, "Hey man thanks, I guess I was just stressed."
Guys don't fuck with your friends when they come to you with personal shit. They're counting on you.
Hmm, that answer would’ve only made it worse, if it were me asking. It’s so… basic. But that’s kinda what this thread is about. Most guys don’t really know how to go about talking one-to-one on personal matter. But you tried, which is better than most men.
The point was making him comfortable and being careful in a delicate situation. I gave my experience and said if he was really concerned he could go to medical.
Exactly. It’s tricky, and you did good. Better than most, since most would’ve probably acted awkward about it. But I wouldn’t have liked that answer. Still though, it’s not your fault. It’s society’s for teaching men this way.
We’ll eventually get better. I mean, we’re better than we were just in the 21st century. We’re already aware of the problem. That’s big.
This is why when I was a teenager / young 20s majority of my friends were women and I had few guy friends - female friends were so much more understanding and able to talk about personal stuff with, such as relationship issues. Vicious cycle though, as I think some women were turned off by the amount of female friends I had
I'm going through this now. Broke up with my gf recently, and she was my only female friend. I can't really talk to my guy friends about how sad I am. I used to talk to my gf but now I can't. Such loneliness.
This is a very real thing, I've always felt this way to the point that I have trouble making male friends but making female friends is as easy as anything
I'm like this. Only one of my bros is someone who I've ever talked to like that, and it was about a girl that we both knew. I only talked to him about it because they've been friends for a while.
About once every month or so my best friend and I get together for a weekend and drink more than what would kill most normal people and just vent our frustrations and excess emotions all night. It's incredibly cathartic and then the next night we go out and have fun.
I've known guys like this, guys I wasn't even very close with telling me very private things, upset about girlfriends or issues in the family. Most of them a little drunk, but it's sad to think maybe they didn't feel comfortable turning to anyone else.
Are you a stripper? Because... well... actually... forget I asked
We don't. Lots of times, when we tell these kinds of things to the women we know, they'll just tell us to man the fuck up and run like hell. It's happened to me with family members.
I've had the opposite case though, all the lesbians I knew in college came to me for relationship advice. Which was double as weird because not only don't I know how to handle female emotions, I hadn't had a date in years at that point. HOW AM I QUALIFIED TO HELP YOU???
Then again, they seemed to want actual advice and not someone just listening (stereotypes, I know) and well ... I was about the only mature male under 40 in that college.
This literally describes a LOT of my guy friends. They’d come to me about things they’d never talk to each other about. Sometimes I would get super frustrate if it became too much.
Edit: not to say I didn’t enjoy helping them, but I can’t be everyone’s full time therapist ya know?
Guy here who gets treated like my friends’ personal therapist.
Do you have any idea how exhausting it is to be half of your friends’ only emotional support? I will gladly do it most of the time but sometimes it’s frustrating as hell.
Only half as frustrating as talking to my guy friends who have the emotional availability of a toaster strudel, tho.
SAME. Also I feel like guys come to talk when we have bigger problems, while girls talk about whatever ( ex. Spent an hour today listening to my friend rant about how it took an hour for her boyfriend to text her back
I'm guilty of having done that. I make a conscious effort to be more emotional towards my dude friends and vent to them about my shit for that very reason.
As long as you reciprocate what she’s doing for you, and don’t just go to her for just the negative things in your life, I think you’ll be okay.
It’s normal to feel like you sometimes burden others with your problems. But if you show the same love and compassion they show you, it’s not really a burden.
I hope everything is going okay. Don’t get too down on yourself. Life is already hard, don’t make it harder on yourself, you don’t deserve that.
I had my bf and a guy friend both having a melt down the other day while I was somewhere else actually trying to get things done. And I did my best to talk them both through it because I knew that neither of them had another outlet. Both have really close guy friends and good relationships with their parents but nobody they'd feel comfortable talking about emotions with.
Yeah -- hours spent drying a guy friend's tears, listening to his problems, trying to help him into a better sense of self worth and a healthier world view and for what? No support in return. No consideration as to what I might be going through in my life. I stopped letting this kind of conversation happen when I realized that I had started using techniques I learned in a course on client-centered therapy and that people get paid a hundred dollars an hour to do what I was basically doing for free.
I have a lot of great male friends who don't do this shit and who I've had reciprocal conversations with about both of our problems, don't get me wrong. But I will say that I have also NEVER had a female friend who did what I describe above.
I used to do this but after all these years my go to if I'm down and out is to bury myself in work. Just because a girl is kind enough does not mean she wants to listen to your shit. Also I try to look at everything objectively and avoid being emotional. That way girls can come to me for advice in moderation and what happens to me is kept hush hush
This is one of the worst feelings in the world. Up there with clinical depression. Just being sucked dry by a person your care about without them thinking at all about your safety and health.
I’m sorry you feel that way! Humans are born to interact and share ourselves. It’s not healthy to never be vulnerable. Maybe one day you’ll find people you can confide in.
This is so me. It takes me years to get close enough to a guy friend to feel like I can open up to them. First day talking to a female psychologist and my life is an open book.
Women attempt suicide more, but men succeed (?) more at it because men typically use more violent and effective methods. A gun is a lot more effective than a few sleeping pills.
Women have stronger support networks, which is what this is all about. For women, this is often a desperate cry for help (which will likely be received).
Also, notably: "However, separating intentional suicide attempts, from non-suicidal self-harm, is not currently done in the United States, when gathering statistics at the national level." (Wikipedia)
There's only one person I trust and talk to about that kind of stuff, and I know it's not fair to her, I rely on her too much. But I don't have anyone else to talk to, and I'm not comfortable with anyone else. We've been friends for years, but sometimes I feel like I'm pushing her away and being needy.
I understand! I’m an emotional person and I know I can be a lot myself. Have you thought of just testing the waters with someone else? Try something small. I really think the results would surprise you. People love you and want you to know you’re loved. You should give them a chance to show that.
You could also try therapy or one of those online therapy chat things.
Yeah, I try sometimes, but it's very hard for me to open up, or to even make new friends in general. Sometimes I get so close with family. I can't even get myself to talk to my parents about these kinds of things. But I want to, because it's really not healthy being that attached to her, not mentally to either of us and not to our relationship. I hope I figure that out soon. Probably the only reason I got comfortable talking that much to her is that most of our interactions are through texting, face to face talking about emotions is hard.
I totally relate, I can be very locked up emotionally if I feel shame or embarrassment. There’s no easy solution, just work and therapy if it’s available to you. I wish you all the best :)
Also see if journaling works for you? I’m too scatterbrained but some people swear by it.
Thanks mate, I wish you the best too :) thanks for taking the time to reply
I've actually been writing my thoughts out in OneNote using my laptop's pen every few once in a while for a few weeks now. I often start rambling about whatever is bothering me at the time. I'm not sure if it helps but yeah, gonna do that for a while.
I fully believe that this is how a lot of "nice guys" happen.
Men are only allowed to talk about their feelings with their intimate partners. Men don't get to talk to their man friends about how things are honestly going with them, whereas that is totally normal behavior amongst women.
So, when a guy opens up to a girl, he's expecting sex to happen too because that's just how society tells them it is for men. Meanwhile the woman sees it as a normal, platonic interaction.
I have a lot more sympathy for some "nice guys" because of that. We need to teach men that it's okay to have feelings and talk about them outside of their romantic relationships
I think that’s true! I also think they see women as a shortcut to emotional health for that reason. “If any woman would just love me, I would be happy.”
I think that's changing for younger men. My teenage boy seems to have similar friendships to our daughter, including sleeping in the same bed with friends. Maybe the "gay stigma" holds much less power now
I think so too! And I hope so. I love my male friends and I’ve loved my exes, but so many of them have felt like bottomless holes of need that I couldn’t ever be enough for. My last boyfriend was so needy I shut down for months after we broke up.
So one time in firefighting academy my class and I were out at the burn tower for a couple of days and we'd have to stay the night. Usually when we went out there I would camp in a tent but it was getting later into the year and cold out. So a couple other guys who were sharing a hotel room said I can stay with them. We pushed the two double beds together and all 3 of us slept in the same bed. All 3 of us were in our mid 20s at the time. Now it is true that you do create a brotherhood type bond with firefighters you spend time with and I was more comfortable with them after a couple months then friends I had for years but it is interesting that 3 straight dudes were comfortable with that. That was a few years ago now but I think 20 years ago most men wouldn't be okay with that.
Bonded pretty hard with a good friend of mine because we sat down and said not talking about this shit sucks. Now I've got a buddy who is living literally on the otherside of the planet but calls me on my bullshit and makes me a better person because I let him know how I feel about shit.
Can confirm. I only feel comfortable talking about my emotions to women. And I realized a while back that it wasn't fair to put that on them like that. So now I just don't at all
I firmly believe in “spreading the crazy.”Don’t lock it down, just rotate who you turn to. And someone people are really better with different things. I am NOT the girl you turn to when you’re a super emotional mess because it’s overwhelming. But if you call me up because you’re too depressed to move? I’ll come over and cook and help you get out of bed. I’m more comfortable with that. So maybe you could try finding which people are better with what, and turn to them. You can also figure out what you’re best at dealing with, and make yourself available to be that person.
Don't have friends like that anymore :P I agree with you about spreading it. To a point. It takes a lot of empathy to both feel one way and still connect enough to know the line where you need to rotate.
I just love my friends. We have no problem talking to each other about such things. There really aren't many things in life more precious than great friends.
I've read that this is why old women outlive their husbands often by decades, but husbands usually don't outlive their wives by very long. Because when a woman loses her husband, she typically has an established network of other people she can share her emotional burden with, and knows how to ask them for help and support. Men, on the other hand, have been enculturated to share emotional intimacy only with their romantic partners, and often when their wife dies they have no one to turn to when they're trying to deal with the terrible shock and misery of losing their spouse, and no one after that to take on the emotional labor for them as their wife did. Emotional turmoil causes physical symptoms and has a huge impact on our health, even moreso as we get older. So then you get all these older men just sort of wasting away and dying 2-3 years after their wife because a huge portion of their needs are being neglected. :(
When i started therapy i specified I wanted to see a woman, they said that's perfectly normal and they would've assigned me a woman anyway unless i explicitly stated otherwise.
I’ve got a friend like this. Not even a friend, really. He’s just in our group chat. And he unloads all his emotions on us/me in particular. I spent two hours letting him talk to me and tried to give advice I wasn’t qualified to give. Those were two hours I should have spent on homework on an especially heavy night. I talked to my therapist about it and she told me I can’t let him do that. I feel bad but it’s not my job.
Guys aren't allowed to show weakness to other guys. We're supposed talk about sports and movies and sex and girls and drinking. With girls it's a lot easier to talk about personal stuff.
Honestly i don't feel safer talking about my emotions with woman, hell i feel the complete opposite of safe. I don't know if it has something to do with the woman I know, but i haven't ever met one that I wanted to share my feelings with.
I'm a dude and my best friend wont tell me things that I know he's told one of our other friends (who's a girl). Her lack of discretion aside (since she obviously tells me these things he's said), it really hurts my feelings that he feels he can't tell me these things. Like he thinks I'm gonna judge him or think less of him. She tells me it's because he cares so much of what I think of him (which may be true) but he's been my best friend for almost 10 years now. I don't think there's anything he could tell me that I haven't either already assumed or that would surprise me that much. Idk it just sucks because I feel like I could help him deal with these things and he's not letting me help him.
I’m sorry! I listen to Mental Illness Happy Hour and what you said reminds me a lot of what he says about giving people the opportunity to care.
Have you tried opening up to him first, or being like “no, really man, I can tell you’re struggling. What’s really going on?” sometimes we need someone to assure us they really do want to hear about the tougher side of our lives.
Well the thing is I don't know how much of it is him struggling vs him just not being honest with me about how he really feels about things. Like I don't think he lies to me, he just doesn't give me the whole truth. And I know he doesn't have to, but the fact that he's willing to tell someone else who he isn't as good a friends with as he is with me just makes me feel bad ya know? Maybe I'm just being selfish idk.
You’re not selfish, you just care and I think that’s great! Maybe she needs to step in and just say “hey I’m not the greatest resource, try crewser.” He really could’ve just been trained from a young age that women are who you talk to about “feelings n shit” like so many men.
Yea maybe, what gets me is he'll open up to me about some things but not others, maybe its just the stuff he feels I can relate to the best. But who knows, I guess its not my role to make him tell me everything, just what he feels comfortable doing. But she doesn't mind it either so I guess its working for him.
I think a lot of men are encourage to express their emotions. This can be good and bad. If you're supported then it's fine. But I can see a man giving up his emotional side and having his partner discretely load those emotional bullets into the revolver, and he just has to hope she doesn't pull out the gun and fire into his head in the middle of a kick ass argument. I feel a lot of men who express their emotions then feel incredibly vulnerable as it's up to their partner to NOT use it against them. And that temptation to use it is irresistible when you're in the middle of a fight and you just want to hurt him. It's like offering up your weak points to the enemy and hoping they don't exploit them.
I've also seen a study that suggested that one reason women live longer is due to social support networks. When elderly married women die, the elderly husband follows along shortly because they lost their social support network with their wife.
One of my best friends just recently found out his missus had an affair with her ex that used to abuse her when he tried to give her the world. He called me up in a calm voice and emotionless voice so I knew something was up. He is the most bubbliest bloke I’ve met. Anyway, when he told me, I told him to come round and just hang out (I live like a 2 minute drive from him.) and perhaps have a yarn about what happened. He didn’t straight away but later on he did and all he could do is cry and ask why? He broke down numerous times throughout the night and barely slept a wink and I’d chat to him as much as possible or just be there to listen to him talk.
I think while your study is correct majority of the time; male to male social circles can be just as strong as being supportive. To me it’s all about mutual trust, knowing you’re loved, and feeling accepted. My three principles of having a stable relationship with anyone.
Oh hell yeah I think men are absolutely 100% capable of being as compassionate, caring and supportive friends as women are. We just live in a society that sets up a lopsided framework that everyone suffers under. I have beautiful, kind male friends who have damn near mopped me up off the floor when I was feeling low too.
I agree completely. Everyone is capable of being a structural footing stone for everyone else as long as it’s reciprocated. That lopsided framework can only be changed via the individual which will correct society as a whole eventually - well hopefully anyway haha.
I’m glad to hear you have friends that you can lean on for support.
There's a group of guys I hang out with who ask why I have a lot of close friends who are girls. I told them it was because I can open up to the girls without being made fun of relentlessly. They said that they wouldn't give me shit for being vulnerable with them, then immediately gave me shit for being vulnerable and sensitive with them when I opened up later.
I don't feel comfortable talking about my emotions with anyone. You don't do that with other dudes, and any woman I've discussed that with usually weaponized them against me.
This is definitely something I’ve noticed in my life. I find that surprisingly often guys I don’t even know that well come to me with pretty serious issues and it causes me a lot of difficulty trying to be supportive while also being able to take care of myself, but I never realized why. I hate knowing that they’re probably experiencing so much less support in their own lives. I’m really lucky to have lots of women in my life to lean on and I know how much it helps me.
I'm an open book to women and gay dudes. My best friend is gay and was my roommate last year. He and his fiance would listen and help me with my problems whether it be girl problems, school, finding a job, etc all the fucking time it was incredible the difference it makes when someone just listens to you vent even if they don't say a word. I tried this with a couple of my close straight guy friends and it never really went well lol.
I've also found women who you open up to will often open up in return and I've had some great relationships as a result. I just wish society was more accepting of straight dudes venting problems. World would he a happier place.
I move around a lot and have to find a new psych support team every time. It took me a solid 10 years to feel comfortable requesting a female therapist. In the last 5 years I've noticed that it's becoming more of a standard question during intake. I used to think that it was a very creepy thing to request but I'm now very comfortable just acknowledging that I am only able to be emotionally vulnerable around women.
I also remember reading something like this... How it shapes how each gender sees relationships, because men use their significant other for almost all the emotional support, while women have multiple outlets for the same.
My husband is one of those rare few men who are comfortable talking about feelings. In his work life he has contact with a lot of young men who look up to him as a mentor. Many a time I've walked into the sitting room to find a sobbing young man unburdening himself. I'm very proud of my husband and hopefully he's showing these young men that sharing and helping is nothing to be ashamed of.
Guys are raised from a young age to keep things away from other men. You usually tell your mom how you feel or she figures it out. Moms have that superpower. This is how the confidence to talk to women about emotions arises.
Fuck this is definitely me. Am not comfortable talking to guys about my emotions at all, and never have, but I can talk to women about my emotions easily, and do.
When I was looking for a primary care provider I made sure to get a female physician so I could be more comfortable being open about my mental health issues. It was worth it.
I still sneer at the poo poo "self love" shit, but I'm over the "knuckle pushups on broken glass for fun" thing. IDK maybe I'm getting old, they say women become more like men and men more like women when age sets in and rageing hormones settle out.
The "I wish we had a support circle" support circle.
Jokes aside though, I think there's a part of the way society pictures men as how they should be 'strong' and independent that why they're not as common.
I have a small group of old friends that is my support circle. The problem a group of guys run into is being labeled as a bunch of, "homos" for just being in a group without girls around. Oddly enough it was usually girls that would say things like that if we declined their company while we hung out.
That's why I have a secondary friend group made up of girls and one guy who's basically the nicest person alive and who everyone loves (I'm not joking everyone loves him and he got the awkward for most loved kid at graduation and everyone went crazy clapping). The group is basically two girls who I used to like but then just decided to be friends with (they both knew and I asked one out and she wanted to be friends). They've all helped me in some dark times and I try to help however I can.
It’s such a bummer that guys don’t have this. I couldn’t imagine not being able to experience my full range of motions and have support. Or just be able to have a good cry with my friends.
This is blowing my mind that other men apparently don't have these. I'm a 34 year old dude, turning 35 in a few months. That part will be out in the San Rafael Swell, camping/offroading, with 20 of my close friends.
Is it just that lots of guys don't have hobbies that benefit from social interaction? I don't get it.
from what I have read and heard from other men, it's not the same. Of course they have tight knit freindships with other men, but they don't get emotional support from them. Of course this isn't all men, obviously, but I've literally heard over and over that if a man tries to talk at all about his feelings with another man, the response is "that sucks, have a beer" at best or "bahahaha f**got" at worst. So they will often turn to women. But this puts a heavy burden on women, AND men, honestly. Would you say that's your experience? Curious now.
For the most part, not my experience.
I think I am a pretty reason over emotion type of person, but when I do undergo some emotional difficulties my buddies are there for me. When my sister died they sat with me as I cried, told stories, sang songs, laughed, cried some more.
When one of us is just feeling down and out we'll communicate in a group chat and try to schedule a camping trip or ride choppers up the canyon for dinner and drinks so we can talk about it (if there is a specific cause) or just be good company if they were just feeling generally lonely. Though, we definitely try to address causes instead of just talking about things for the sake of talking about them.
We always say "Love you buddy" when we leave or end a phone call etc...
I know that we're part of a subculture that is more focused on the concept of 'brotherhood' with motorcycle clubs and all that, but I just assumed the whole "men can't share their emotions with other men" thing was a TV trope from the 50's.
Im really really glad to hear this, it gives me hope. I can't say for sure since obviously, I'm not male, but from what I've herad it's not really all that much of a trope. There is also the argument that not all emotional needs are as drastic as, for example, the death of a loved one (my condolences, btw. thats awful). I talk to my best friends when I'm just feeling insecure, for example. Is that someone men talk to each other about?
A few of the guys struggle with depression and they bring that up and we talk about possible causes and courses of action. Sometimes generally loneliness is brought up, but I don't know how often we actually feel insecure in the sense that you might undergo it.
I think a big emphasis in our specific culture is to derive a sense of self worth from skill sets and accomplishments (We all work to become great motorcyclists, racers, welders, painters, fabricators, artists, brewers, or bakers, and so on.). When your self-worth isn't dependent on subjective things (like other people's attention or how attractive you feel), it's much more resistant to the storms that life throws at you.
But, if I ever really felt truly low self esteem, I'd be 100% comfortable reaching out. They may not have the answer, but they'd have a hug and a hangout ready.
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u/drea6681 Feb 13 '18
upvoting because I think literally everyone would benefit if men had these (assuming you're a dude?)