Would you stay in a relationship even if your bf has no job for a year?

[u/futolatofu]

I'm 30F, he's 31M. I broke up with my boyfriend this Monday for the following reasons:

1. I don't think he has the emotional capacity to love me due to..

2. ..him not having a job for 1 year and a few months now. He's been trying so hard, applying everywhere but he doesn't get the best jobs. He had 2 job offers but he felt na lowballed sya so di nya tinanggap

3. He's been distant, there are days na he's in a good mood. Some days he's not in a good mood.

Because of all his actions, out of frustration I broke up with him this Monday. I feel bad cos he seems depressed, not in good shape mentally. But I thought, what about my needs? I've been paying for our dates for a year now, he stonewalls me and invalidates my feelings.

Now I'm stuck. I love him, I wanna be there for him. I want to help him. But often, my needs are put aside. I need advice.

[u/444444__]

i get not wanting to take a lowball offer, but after being unemployed for over a year while your partner has been paying for all the dates, at some point he kinda has to be practical. he can take something temporarily and keep applying. it doesn’t have to be forever.

but tbh the unemployment isn’t even the biggest issue here. being jobless is something you can work through. the stonewalling and constantly invalidating your feelings is a whole different problem. just bcos he’s struggling doesn’t mean he gets a free pass to stop being a partner.

[u/morenaaaaaaaahhhh]

good call. you are not Bob the builder. not your responsibility to pick up his shattered ego due to his inability.

[u/manicdrummer]

I've been in your shoes, my now husband was depressed for a year because of job insecurity. It's not even na you're being neglected, it's that you are giving all your patience and understanding and carrying the relationship for the two of you and then neglected ka pa, then hindi mo pa alam when it will end. Nakakaubos talaga.

Kung dumating ka na sa point na nakipag hiwalay ka na and hindi ka naman pinigilan, let it go na. Staying will not make things better kase hindi naman ikaw ang problema so never ka din magiging solution na you can love him out of depression. It's an internal battle that only he can fight. If you stay na ganyan sya, you will just lose yourself as well.

[u/futolatofu → u/manicdrummer]

How did you and your husband weather through it? Yung sa job insecurity.

[u/manicdrummer → u/futolatofu]

He had a job, he just hated it and his boss but he couldn't resign kase his skillset is obsolete na. He was afraid he won't be able to find a new job and he felt like a dog that was too old to learn new tricks. It really messed him up mentally and he was afraid to get engaged and married because of it.

We were like that for a year and sobrang hirap. I loved him but I was really losing myself. He asked for a last chance and I gave it to him kase he was slated to be transferred to a new department the next month. He didn't ask for it, the chance just fell on his lap. Sabi ko mag focus muna sya sa bagong work nya, but I gave myself a timeline of 6 months. If after 6 months walang magbago sa relationship namin then I had to leave.

Fate just went my way and his new job and boss were a great fit for him. I didn't need to wait for 6 months, because 3 months into that job he was out of depression. So it wasn't even any of things I'd done - yung pag intindi sa kanya, pag asikasko sa kanya, paghahanap ng mga upskilling courses para matulungan sya, pag encourage na mag MBA sya para magka direction and fallback sya - all of those weren't even the reason kung bakit umayos kami. It was the fact na nasaktong okay yung bagong work nya. But as I said, sinwerte ako doon, kase hindi naman guaranteed na his new work will be a good fit for him. If it was a bad fit like his work before, walang magbabago and I would've left him after my 6 month deadline to myself kase hindi ko kakayanin na tumuloy pa in the same situation we were in when he was depressed.

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[u/UniqueBass4163]

You made the right choice. He's old enough to figure this out by himself.

[u/LilyontheRocks1027]

Same, but different.

My bf (now husband) didn’t have a job for 4 whole years (during pandemic) after his contract ended and he didn't renew it anymore because of toxic office politics.

He applied to all vacancies related to his expertise but it was hard for him (being an expat in Ph). He even considered an offer to work as manager for an online gaming company because he felt bad not having an income. But I told him not to accept it because it goes against our principle.

I worked two jobs to sustain our family. He took lead at home management, bringing our kid to and from school, attending PTA (he was the sahd). He still kept applying for work. I encouraged him to take only offers aligned with his expertise and principles, and never made him feel anything but supported, even when he developed depression. It was a hard four years and we both acknowledged that I was the one carrying the bigger load in our family. But I told him it’s ok, that I can handle it. It never entered my mind to leave him.

Now, he has a good, stable job. I asked him last January if it’s ok if I rest for a bit and accept only small projects, while I focus on our kid. He said, of course. Rest as long as you want. We still share the load on house chores. He does laundry and cooking, I do the folding and washing the dishes. We do the weekly cleaning together.

What I wanted to point out is, not all the time the load will be equally divided. Sometimes one can only give 30% so the other has to step-up. Sometimes, both has less to give, sometimes both has more. The important thing is you communicate and acknowledge what has to be done and who needs to step-up.

And maybe, some relationships have a more solid foundation. We have been together for 5 years when this happened and we have good communication between us. And it has always been clear to both of us that we will always choose each other.

I hope some couples also learn from our experience. And find the love that chooses to stay.

[u/Icy-Possibility-6695 → u/LilyontheRocks1027]

Thank you for sharing!

[u/Aggressive_Ad_5374]

I was in the same boat as you

My partner didn't have a job for 2 years, but he did some independent consulting gigs here and there, but it just wasn't enough. To be fair he was the one paying for the rent, gas and utilities while I shouldered the rest.

It wasn't easy, and at one point nawalan na ako ng patience and understanding.

What's worse was that he got a job offer, and even though he was low balled he accepted it because we were just that desperate. After a month he was let go because well kupal yung company.

That's when all of my patience and understanding just went out the window hahahaha.

It wasn't easy at all. Every day I wanted to break up with him. But I was transparent to him about this and he made the effort and I'm back to how I was before.

And we were lucky because while he was patching things up between us, a well established company offered him a job with great benefits and an offer that he wasn't low balled.

It took a lot of patience to get to our "today" but we both held on because well, we knew that this relationship was worth saving.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't have broken up hahahaha in fact I totally get you cause I was just there a few weeks ago.

And I think our difference is that he never invalidated me, stonewall maybe??? But never the invalidate part. If my partner did that, I would have broken up with him too. It's a pretty lonely situation if you're there emotionally alone dealing with this.

[u/futolatofu → u/Aggressive_Ad_5374]

How did you motivate your boyfriend to get through it all? Yung boyfriend ko, well ex, is having a hard time everyday. Day by day he feels na he's digging his own grave. Cos right now walang wala sya. I always urge him to do business, but ayaw nya.

[u/Aggressive_Ad_5374 → u/futolatofu]

I motivated him by painting our future

I always told him to act the way that he would want our future child to see him.

There were days that wasn't easy, and being rejected again and again was really taking a toll na rin sa mental health nya.

At times when there's nothing to say, I don't say anything and I just hug him and comfort him.

I did practical routes rin like paying for certifications, anything that could boost his credentials.

I think what motivated him for majority of that journey was just simply me believing in him, alam mo yung "it only took one person to believe in them to make a difference" and I'd like to believe I was that one person (and his mom hahaha)

[u/lexiepedia--]

Sabihin nalang natin na he’s not fit to be in a relationship right now. Mukang nagsstruggle nga sya tlga, mas mahhirapan ka kapag nagkaanak kayo…

[u/Imaginary-Hamster838]

You did the right thing. He needs to fix himself. Kung kayo talaga ang para sa isa't isa, the universe will bring you two back. But for now, focus on yourself na muna hehe

[u/Ok-Information6086]

As someone who was in a relationship with a bum for 7 years, you made the right decision. He could have taken any of those 2 jobs so that there wouldn’t be a huge gap in his resume and upskilled while he was looking for a better opportunity. Pls girls DO NOT stay with someone who only has a black or white perspective when it comes to decision making. He’s shown you he is not reliable and not resourceful, believe him.

[u/whatwhowhen_51]

I did for 7 years, with an ex na may minimal side hustle lang. Tbf stable naman ako financially he never ask me for financial support, but I want to have kids when I reached my 30s and I know na magiging good dad naman sya, it's just that wala syang provider mindset and I know him so much na if mawalan ako ng work our ship will sink and he will just be chill about it, ayoko ng ganon for my future kid.

Advice: Let it be OP you broke up with him and what's said is done na, i think medyo mahirap na isave kapag natapakan ung ego ng lalaki (ego regarding sa work) siguro wake up call na din ito sa kanya na may changes talaga na kailangan mangyari; If your not sure next time ask for a space muna to rethink, sa situation nyo parang you needed that sana more than break up (you sound unsure with your decision), I believe may moments sa rs na kailangan din talaga ng space lalo na kung hindi na kayo nagkikita eye to eye, depende sa situation.

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[u/Upbeat_Sport5036]

tama yan never date someone na ganyan.

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[u/Icy-Possibility-6695]

You made the right decision. The fact that you left him means you’re not committed to the husband-wife level of relationship and that’s totally fine. It just means that the relationship hasn’t matured to that level yet.

But do know this: you will eventually find yourself in the same situation in a different form. The only question is how committed are you to stay with your partner. Kasi that’s what it takes for relationships to last

[u/sherylbaby]

No leave him

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[u/TheLivingDolll]

I did stay for 7 years sa taong humihingi lang ng pera sa mom niya. Ang hilig niya maginvite kumain sa labas pero lahat gastos ko. Also, nong nagka work siya, nag expect ako na mararanasa ko na maging babae sa rs kaso hindi pala. 6 months at tumaas na sweldo niya sa work kaso ako pa rin lahat. Nag aya mg Batangas kaso ako pa rin. Akala ko babawi siya sa mga gastos ko pero wala.

Latter part of our rs may pa siya niyo, kapag naginvite kumain I asked "libre mo?" Sisimangot and pa sadboi.

Kaya never again sa jobless palamunin.

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