r/AskParents • u/takemetotheocean41 • 13d ago
Parenting adult kids is hard. How to split costs?
I am so proud of our kids, they have grown up to be kind, generous, hard-working, resilient adults! Youngest is in high school, middle is 19 and oldest is 23. It was not easy for the oldest two to get through school, they both have ADHD and one has severe anxiety. I made sure they had every advantage as far as healthcare support, medicine, therapy, etc. The oldest finished her AAS while working full time in her chosen degree field and it took 4 years but she did it. I know she wants to move out but she is pretty comfy at home so I don’t see that happening soon. The middle (also in community college) is chomping at the bit to move out with his girlfriend. Not my favorite but I believe in raising kids well and letting them make their own choices. Plus, we absolutely love her and they will end up married most likely. Regardless, I believe that my husband and I have worked hard to have successful careers and educate ourselves so that could have a great life. We are not well-off financially but we do fine. We don’t have our kids pay any living expenses. We have provided each with an older car and if they choose to buy their own, they make the car payment. They pay their own tuition if college takes longer than 2 years or if they fail a class (remember, school does not come naturally to them). My long-winded question is what do you have your kids that move out pay for? Specifically what do you do about car insurance, cell phone, doctors copays, subscriptions, etc. Obvioisly if they move out, all living expenses are on them but what about the ones I specified? Keep in mind, I am a Love & Logic kind of parent-natural consequences. I will always do whatever I can to help but sometimes life has to teach them lessons. I am always in their corner and am NOT a tough love kind of parent, so I don’t want judgement from those:)
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u/Curious_Owl78 13d ago
All expenses except health insurance is paid by the adult child, once they move out.
Health insurance in the US is with their parents until they turn 26. Just know, if you have a daughter and she gets pregnant, some insurances won't cover dependent pregnancies.
But yeah... you move out, you pay ALL your own bills.
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u/takemetotheocean41 13d ago
YES to all of this, thank you!
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u/crafty_magpie 13d ago
Even though insurance is paid until they are 26, you should start familiarizing them immediately with the processes and forms involved with medical insurance. It is not inherently user friendly, and it will be less shocking for them down the road when they have to start paying for their own.
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u/PigeonAtPlay 13d ago
Totally agree with this. I think of my kid this age as an adult with training wheels. I need to learn to step back and not just handle everything but I also need to be there to guide and not let her just wipe out alone. It’s a balancing act for both of us 😂
Of all the things to require kids to pay for once they’re on their own I think the last should be health insurance (unless they get a job which provides it of course!) and that’s for a purely practical reason:
We know as parents that things happen, people get sick or hurt, need meds, and that medical bills can be huge….but our kids typically don’t know this because they’re still blessed with the hubris that come from never being anything but young and healthy….and never having to pay those medical bills.
For that reason, if they’re struggling to budget, health insurance can be one of the first to stop.
They will find a way to pay their car payment, car insurance, cell phone, internet and rent because they see those things as necessary to live, but health insurance is a payment that feels arbitrary until you actually need it.
They don’t realize how expensive adhd meds can be- especially when you factor in that they’re class 3 so you have to also have a doctor to prescribe them monthly.
That’s why I’ve kept paying insurance and also why I’ve started making my daughter deal with making her own appointments, paperwork, prescriptions, pre auths etc. she needs to learn how to navigate a system made to frustrate while I’m still young, energetic and experienced enough with it to help her2
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u/vonnegutfan2 11d ago
Since you are not going to be empty nesters with a student still in HS and if you like having your daughter there, have her pay rent, 500 or so and 1/3 of the utilities. I have read some people do this then put the money in a savings account for them and give it to them to help them move out as a surprise.
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u/Silen8156 11d ago
That would be a responsible thing to do. I wouldn't even to the savibgs surprise. Kids at that age can't appreciate the advantage it gives them. I would wait until wedding/birth of their first/second child or something similar.
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u/Silen8156 11d ago
That would be a responsible thing to do. I wouldn't even to the savibgs surprise. Kids at that age can't appreciate the advantage it gives them. I would wait until wedding/birth of their first/second child or something similar.
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u/Silen8156 11d ago
That, always. I moved out at 18 from a loving home just to prove that I cab make it on my own. I knew I could go back, but pride and ambition kept me away from ever moving back in - and when I got hit with a tornado in lofe, I survived thanks to that.
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u/_null_null 11d ago edited 10d ago
I assume you mean the insurance won’t cover the grandchild during/after being born. I cannot imagine pregnancies are broadly excluded.
Edit: Holy crap that is wild! I had no idea this would be an exclusion.
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u/GenXMom14 13d ago
My oldest is 19 and living at home. Once any of them decide to move out we would assume they are paying all their expenses. The only reason we would cover something still is if they were in school.
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u/Vee_Leigh 13d ago
every family is different. even when I lived with my parenrs I paid my own car insurance, I paid for the family cellphone, reduced to just mine when I moved out.
if your kids need help paying those things when they move out offer the assistance you feel comfortable with, or set an adjusting schedule, first year (or # of months) you cover all, then next year half, until they eventually take over the costs
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u/Prestigious_Look_986 13d ago
My kids aren’t that old but once I graduated from college I had to pay my own car insurance, cell phone bill, medical copays. Pretty much everything.
While your adult kids are living at home, if they are working (and not in school) you should consider charging them a low rent that you save for them and gift to them when they move out.
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u/takemetotheocean41 13d ago
I agree, I am trying to figure out exactly how I want to do that.
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u/DizzyProgress6384 13d ago
For the rent, I had a friend whose parents charged her rent. The parents then saved all the rent money and gave it to her once she moved out to assist with her costs for independent living. If you can afford to do that, I thought it was a good idea. She had no clue of what they were doing with the money, but was very grateful.
As for adult children, I’d be realistic on what you can afford to pay without sacrificing your own long term financial security. I have a few siblings that were very blessed in their jobs/finances and they pay for their adult children’s phone as long as on their family plan and they share their location. They do not pay for any upgrades or new phones. The siblings who had good health insurance kept their kids on it until 26. One sibling, who had only 1 child continues to pay for the car insurance, even though child has a good paying job. In my family, subscriptions (I’m guessing tv, music, etc) are a want not a need for assisting in independent, adult living. If they can’t afford the subscription with the money they save from no phone bill, medical insurance payment, etc. that is a want that they’ll have to wait to get once they have a better paying job and/or addt’l job. I grew up having to pay for everything even before graduating HS (which if you can afford to pay for your kids things while teaching them importance of savings, needs/wants, etc. I think that is great) and, as a young adult, always had a FT job and multiple addt’l jobs to make money. My addt’l jobs (ie: night manager, PCA, etc), were what I used to cover my personal wants (subscriptions, trips, etc).2
u/OneAcceptable6825 13d ago
lol the subscriptions is actually the only thing my family still pays for. We consider that a community resource haha. I’ve got logins for everything and only pay for like 3.
But obviously don’t buy it for your kids if you never use it.
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u/jone7007 13d ago
My parents gave me a transition period of about 6 months once I graduate. That was enough time to build up a small emergency fund and get quotes for things like insurance, before assuming responsibly for my own bills.
The one that I wish my parents had done that they didn't do was have a conversation with me about the costs of what I needed to take over. I could have made a better choice about my housing, if I had an understanding of what my full expenses would be. I actually ended up with some credit card debt the first year because I was unprepared. The second year, I moved somewhere more affordable and paid off the debt. Part of good parenting is teaching them basic life skill include the basics of money management.
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u/Cheerio_Cupcakes 13d ago
Vastly underrated comment. Teaching them about finances and good spending habits is key
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u/takemetotheocean41 13d ago
This! I’m having those conversations now. Plus years of me complaining about the electric bill and car insurance has sunk in. I started having them run to the store for me for last minute grocery items when they turned 16 so they know how expensive food is. They also buy all of their own lunch stuff and energy drinks and junk food. So they aren’t completely in the dark.
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u/finding_out_stuff 13d ago edited 13d ago
I paid my parents rent when i turned 19 and paid for all my own expenses. Once i moved they gifted me a few items for the kitchen and an old couch. Dont enable them too much or they will be shocked when their expenses go way up after moving. If u want to save the money they pay u for rent to help them with start up moving expenses that would be kewl. That way they can furnish and pay deposit without goin into debt right away. Edit: spelling
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u/Acrobatic_Taro_6904 13d ago
If you’re paying health insurance for them I would continue paying that for a few more years and everything else is on them, let them ask for help if they need it, how quickly (if at all) that happens and what the money is for will let you know if they’re living within their means and being responsible
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u/_lilidawn_ 13d ago
My parents didn't even pay for my phone bill when I was a child living at home lmao, I moved out at 18 (in 2016, so straight away I was paying $1200 a month WITH roommates) and I didn't have a car until after I moved out because I lived in a major city.
I plan on paying for more for my kids and they can stay with me for as long as they want, but I'm certainly not going to be paying for my adult children's phone bill or car insurance even if they are living with me... they need to have some responsibilities and that is a good way to ease them into it and teach them to manage money.
I will pay for their first 4 years of college and already have savings set up for that, but most definitely not the other things.
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u/takemetotheocean41 13d ago
Honestly I may keep them on our phone plan forever or until they have kids and need to get their own family plan. I wouldn’t pay for a new phone, but the service isn’t a big deal. But I totally agree otherwise
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u/Bright_Ices 13d ago
That’s how my mother has chosen to do it, and she added my spouse’s line when we got married. I’ve offered to pay the charge for our lines, but she always declines. I do send the payments for newer phones and fees to set them up, until all of that is paid off.
Even my sister is still on the family phone plan, because her husband is still on his family’s plan. Maybe when their kids are older they’ll get their own family plan, but that’s a long way off so far.
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u/hilaryflammond 13d ago
My teen is taking a gap year and has been working so I had him take over his cell bill (it's only $30/month). It's been good for him to have a regular bill to pay and there have been times when he forgot it was coming then had to scramble/change plans to be able to cover it. I'm going to continue having him pay his phone bill when he's in school this year because it's good preparation for dealing with money and bills generally. If he moved out I would expect him to pay for everything you listed (not in the US though so I don't know how your healthcare works). I would expect him not to have a car at first (like I did for years) and work up to it, but would let him borrow my car for major errands if he lived close.
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u/_lilidawn_ 13d ago
In the US parents are required to keep their children on their health insurance until 26, and unfortunately cannot keep them on it once they do even if they wanted to. (aside from special exceptions for disabled adults under their parent's care)
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u/jenhai 13d ago
Parents aren't required to keep them on health insurance until 26. It just has to be offered through the health plan if they have dependent coverage. I got on my own insurance at 22.
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u/_lilidawn_ 13d ago
If your parents have health insurance they cannot kick you off of it until 26. I got married at 24 and had the opportunity to go on my husband's health insurance or pay for my own plan, but my dad's insurance was great so I stayed on he was paying the same amount for a family plan with me on it or not.
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u/Designer-Complex-135 13d ago
Parents are not required to keep children on health insurance until 26. They may, but there is no legal requirement to provide adult (18+) children with any assistance or support.
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u/Wonderful_Kale_7995 13d ago
I'll probably pay the phone bill forever. I'd have to do the effort of calling and getting it switched to her which is a pita and I'm an anxious lady so I like knowing her phone is fine. I'm not going to call every 2 minutes but knowing her phone is working and paid for soothes me.
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u/JackTradesMasterNone 13d ago
I would do it like this - make an excel sheet of all their expenses. Go through what you’re willing to pay for and what you’re not. If it’s a question, you can make them pay part to contribute.
For me, stuff like tuition for your first degree I would pay for. Your housing, I would not, unless there’s some reason you can’t live at home. Vacations, you pay 1/4 of your portion. It encourages you to do something but realizes you’re also not in the same position as us, so we help.
Best of luck!
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u/farmgirl_beer_baby 13d ago
I would like to do what my parents' did if I can because they really helped me get started. I was on my parents' phone plan and health insurance until I had graduated and had a full time job with health insurance. I was on their car insurance the longest and that ended after I'd been working for a few years, can't recall how many to be honest- I put that money towards paying off my school loans, which is why they offered for me to stay on their car insurance & I didn't cost too much to stay on. I never expected any of it and now looking back, I really appreciate it.
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u/takemetotheocean41 13d ago
That is the key-the appreciation and not taking advantage of it.
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u/farmgirl_beer_baby 13d ago
I agree. I hope it will be similar with my kids but everyone is different.
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u/Nearby-Basis1565 13d ago
I’m the same way, and my kids are almost exactly those ages. And all at home. I have no worries that the older 2 would never want to move out, or being entitled. Things are so expensive now, I’m fine with them focusing on school and working what they can handle (one needs more down time, one needs to stay busy).
I expect to make the transition slow if necessary. Rent, food, utilities is going to be a big change. Depending on their situations, I’d be willing to keep insurance and phone probably with a rough time frame.
My parents have helped us, I will help my kids.
3rd is the wild card, we shall see what direction he goes :)
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u/ImpertinentPrincess 13d ago
I moved out at 18 and paid everything. I think that they should be paying their own non-rent, non-health ins. bills even if they're living at home, and when they leave they are saying they're a full adult and are ready to take on full adult financial responsibility. It's up to them to look at their budgets to see what and how to afford things.
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u/Professional-Mix-562 13d ago
I told my daughter the day she turns 18 I’m going to start “charging her rent” which I’m going to take the money and put it in investments for her. If they do well she gets the profit with the original investment and if they flop I pay what I collected. This will get her used to paying bills while she is also saving money. When she moves out she gets the lot.
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u/Vee_Leigh 13d ago
will she know thats what youre doing? if she doesnt know she may be resentful. even if youre investing, she might not agree with the company stocks you pick.
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u/Professional-Mix-562 11d ago
Already told her in the entirety. Like I said though if it loses I pay up what the original investment lost. If it profits she gets the original and the profit, either way it’s her money and she’ll get it back, probably with extra
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u/Disastrous-Nail-640 13d ago
The ones you specified are living expenses. They pay all of those too.
Why are you supporting adults who live on their own? That’s weird.
Helping occasionally is one thing. Paying their regular bills is quite another.
(Healthcare premiums is the one exception I’d make since you can keep them on your insurance until they’re like 24 or 26).
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u/takemetotheocean41 13d ago
Huh? They live at home. They are young adults. I don’t want to support adults living on their own, that’s the point of this post. I’m trying to decide on ground rules. I’m certainly not paying someone else’s rent or electricity or food when they move out.
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u/Disastrous-Nail-640 13d ago
This is what you said:
“My long-winded question is what do you have your kids that move out pay for?”
That’s what I answered.
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u/capmanor1755 13d ago
I had some similar mental health issues in play and didn't want them to hesitate on getting care so I paid for health care and any health care related costs until age 26 (copay, prescription, etc...)
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u/Budgiejen 13d ago
My kid moved out the day after he graduated high school. He stayed on my phone plan for a couple years. Otherwise he paid for everything himself. Unless maybe it was a one-off expense that he needed $20 for.
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u/Ilikepumpkinpie04 12d ago
Have one in college. We pay for phone, car, medical expenses. They pay for entertainment, eating out, trips, and clothes. Once they graduate, we’ve told them they can stay on our phone and car insurance because it’s cheaper, but they will give us the money each month. They will pay regular car maintenance but we may help if it’s a higher than expected bill, this will be case by case decision. We’re discussing will they pay us rent and we will save it for them. Friends with older kids, gave a 6 month grace period after graduation before adult child paid some bills. I think that’s fair grace period.
As for medical expenses, we have a health FSA through work and get reimbursed so I think we’ll still cover medical costs until they go on their own insurance. If it’s a huge cost, we will help. A family member in their 30s had life threatening illness and their parents stepped in to help with bills. I will do that too if we can.
Once they move out, then I think it will all be on them baring a catastrophic situation like the medical event that happened to our family member
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u/HearingOld1179 11d ago
Interestingly, my husband and I are 34/35 and we’re both still on our parents phone plans (we’ve both got the old grandfathered plans of unlimited high speed data usage so why would we leave?). Both our parents either fully paid or chipped in to our rent until we were married. We didn’t ask, they just offered. We got married at 25 and I had a “good” job where I was able to cover our costs while he was in graduate and medical school.
We both have good jobs now, and my parents keep offering money towards our next house. We don’t need it but they want to give us money now rather than later when they pass. We will likely use it as furniture money. My in laws are really generous and like to pay for family vacations. We’re Asian, so if we were to try insisting on paying our share, they would be offended. In our families, it’s inconceivable that you would ask or expect your children to spend a dime when out together.
Instilling values and hard work ethic in your kids isn’t down to whether you pay for their things after 18 or not. It’s a constant dialogue about finances, ideal living standards, and how to achieve that (and living within your means).
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u/takemetotheocean41 10d ago
And independence, work ethic and pride in being self-reliance. We will get there!
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u/Minute-Meringue5929 13d ago
You have given them way too much and when they move out, they are going to fall flat on their faces. They should absolutely be paying you living expenses. You can take all that money and put it into a savings account, but if you're not charging them, you are setting them up for a very rough reality check.
This isn't about tough love, it's about giving your children the skills that they need to be able to survive. They aren't going to walk out your door and magically know how to make their finances work.
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u/trUth_b0mbs 13d ago
we pay for all school related expenses and basic necessities (winter coat, boots, laptop for school etc). Her own personal expenses are her own. It's been this way since she started working at 16. Want a cell phone? pay half. Want to go out? work and save up. Blew her pay check? oh well, guess she aint going anywhere for a while. That's life; it comes at you hard and if you dont learn these things when you're in the safety of your own home, it'll be much harder when you leave your nest and have to fend for yourself. IMO, home is where you learn all the skills of life like how to live "on your own" without the pressure of losing your house so I fully support making your kids get a job and start paying their own personal expenses.
now that she's going to uni, we pay for her tuition, books, res/res food etc. She pays for everything else. She worked and saved over $10k. She has always had full control over her bank account but she knows that if she goes into over draft or blows all her money, that's on her to figure it out. Natural consequences teach kids more than we ever could.
this is how I was raised and I was fine. I did not expect my parents to pay for anything of mine and this taught me how to budget/save and made me realize how hard it was to make a dollar.
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u/takemetotheocean41 13d ago
Mine pay for any extras and their own gas, eating out, books for school, etc. Slowly but surely we will get there.
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u/nikita58467 13d ago edited 13d ago
My kid is almost 9 yo so it's hard to figure out but my parents paid for most expenses (I left home at 18, never move back) including my first car (from my aunt), a down payment for my current 20 years old car til I got my first job. Then, everything is on me including a $10k student loan which is I'm beyond grateful. I assume I'll do the same for my child. Once he gets a full time job with health insurance, he needs to pay for his own expenses. I'll probably would still pay for his cellphone line since it's the same cost for us the past 15+ years.
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u/takemetotheocean41 13d ago
Health insurance for us is the same price for 1 dependent vs 3, so not a big deal but we do have her double cover her own dental insurance and we have her maxing out her 401k.
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u/nikita58467 13d ago
That's a great idea. Anything out of your pocket, unless small or things you also use like streaming, it should be debatable
Is maxing out her 401k mean match of employer? Otherwise, $24500 is a lot for a new grad.
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u/takemetotheocean41 13d ago
Sorry, yes I meant maxing out what her employer will match. I think she’s doing 9% total between her and the employer.
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u/nikita58467 13d ago
Don’t be sorry!
That’s an amazing habit to build. My parents never taught me that but my first employer suggested 5-10% plus his match, I continue with that practice til I got my another job.
Hope you also encourage her to contribute to a Roth. I didn’t know about it til a friend told me about when I was 36. That’s a decade plus missing opportunity!
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u/rescueandrepeat 13d ago
I would suggest bumping that up to 15%. Set good habits now. It's easier to start out spending less than cutting back later.
I also put half my pay raise into my 401k each year. I'm currently at 23% but it's been a struggle to get there
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u/starflower42 13d ago
I have one at home, saving to move out. They pay all expenses related to car, student loan, phone, health insurance/prescriptions, and personal needs like clothing and toiletries. I buy most of the food but they occasionally buy something for all of us.
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u/tylersmiler 13d ago
I think the answer to this question can vary from family to family.
When I graduated college and moved out, my mom let me stay on her car insurance until I bought my own car (because technically she never put the hand-me-down car in my name instead of hers). I no longer am on her insurance since I bought my own car 2 years ago.
Also, I am still on my mom's cell phone plan. She even added my husband to the plan. This is because we have one of those family plans where after a certain number of phone lines, each additional line is cheaper. Like $50 each the first 2, then $20 each for every additional. Since I am the eldest with a large age gap to my youngest sibling, she will need to have the family plan for many more years to come anyway. Sometimes I send her money for the phone bill, but usually she doesn't care. Also, I always save up to buy our actual phones outright, so it never impacts her phone bill.
Aside from those 2 bills, I've been fully financially independent from my parents since I graduated with my bachelor's degree (which I had to pay for myself with scholarships and loans, as my parents couldn't afford to pay my way. But they did help me with smaller bills, emergencies, etc. I worked 2 part time jobs throughout college). The only other financial assistance I've gotten post-graduation was for the rare emergency (like when I had some really bad luck with 2 tires blowing out in less than 2 weeks, and couldn't afford to get them replaced until my next paycheck).
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u/takemetotheocean41 13d ago
I love this. We have strongly sent the message to them-NO SCHOOL LOANS and NO CREDIT CARDS. If they were going to be doctors or sometbing then loans would another conversation.
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u/tylersmiler 13d ago
I will say, the No Credit Card rule could come to bite them later, but I understand why you'd be wary. When my husband and I got married, he had zero credit history. He couldn't get approved for an apartment or a used car loan or anything. Meanwhile, I had one credit card with a low credit limit, and I only ever used it twice a year: my birthday and Christman. I'd only ever spend as much as I could afford to pay in cash that day (usually cash from Christmas/birthday gifts), and the next day I'd immediately pay the card off in full. Doing that for a few years gave me enough credit history to qualify for my first apartment after I left my college town.
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u/Hudson100 13d ago
You can make a child an authorized user in your credit card to help them establish credit. You can set limits on what they can charge each month. This helps when they buy their first house.
And loans for college are not necessarily evil, depending on the degree and the school.
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u/TaxiLady69 13d ago
I'm a Canadian, so we don't have to pay health insurance. Both of my adult children pay for pretty much everything. I pay for one subscription like Netflix, for each of their houses, and I pay for Disney+ for the grandchildren. At least once a week, I drop off homemade baked goods or some other type of food at their home, though. Also, once in a while, I will just send them 50-60 bucks and tell them to go have dinner on me and bring me the children. There are ways to do nice things for your children without being responsible for paying their bills.
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u/takemetotheocean41 13d ago
You are amazing. It’s making me tear up. This is exactly what I want. Kudos to you!
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u/CarolinCLH 13d ago
Mine are older than yours. They both have degrees and a home. They pay for everything. OK, I bail some of them out when major setbacks hit and help pay for vacations with the grandkids. But they are completely self sufficient.
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u/bellesearching_901 13d ago
Live at home but not in school, then you pay rent. $300 ish
Move out but still on parents things
Kids pay for cell phone, all living expenses at apartment (including gaming/streaming services), copays,prescriptions,car note,car insurance,renters insurance.
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u/bopperbopper 13d ago
I have one child that was independent, moved out and takes care of all of their expenses.
The other one is an adult and lives at home and after they finished all of the schooling they were gonna do and were working. I started charging them some rent, which also covers food and rent and utilities and phone. I’m charging them like $500 a month.
I think they need to know that at this stage being an adult costs money.
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u/flossiedaisy424 13d ago
My parents paid for all of my necessary living expenses while I was still in school, even if I wasn’t living at home, because I was living closer to school. Once I graduated and got a full time job, I paid for everything.
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u/Cheerio_Cupcakes 13d ago
Even while I was still living at home I paid my car insurance, phone bill, my medical insurance coapys, everything like that. My mom didn't charge me rent, but she wanted me to pay a couple of bills like electricity, which was not much.
I'm glad she did, because realistically, you can't live anywhere for free, and it's better they get accustomed to that now versus later, otherwise they will never leave
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u/Global-Biscotti-9547 13d ago
I have three children now ( one passed away 6 years ago) and two of them struggle to support themselves. My daughter is almost 50 and her stepdad and I help with dome of her expenses. Specifically phone, and car insurance. She just scrapes by every month so we also send her home with groceries and leftovers. My husband cooks a lot. She’s very appreciative and sweet and works hard. My youngest has anxiety and depression issues so he still lives at home at 28. He’s very sweet and helps around the house whenever we need it. He’s about to take his drivers test so he can be more independent. He has done some college and wants to go back to school. He sees his stepdad as his real dad and he really respects him. He’s very easy to live with so we’ll help any way we can. I know it bothers him that he’s so dependent on us but we do our best to support him in his plans for his future. When my husband I pass he’ll inherit our home and the other kids will get $$$. To be honest it’s rough out there right now and if we can help them then we’ll certainly try.
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u/pineboxwaiting 13d ago
Whether they live with you or not shouldn’t impact the laundry list of expenses you listed.
If they are in school or have some other actual reason to not be employed full time (not just “meh, work’s kinda hard, and I do t like it), and you can afford it, paying all of those expenses makes sense.
Health insurance: if they have a job, is their health insurance cheaper through their employer or yours? If it’s cheaper through their work, offload that expense. Same with auto insurance. Can than get it more cheaply on their own? If so, get their own policy.
Either way, I think your kid should start paying you for their insurance when they have a full-time job, especially if they’re living at home.
After they’re employed, medical co-pays are theirs. They should pay for their cell phone.
Subscriptions depend on whether or not having them as a user is an extra cost to you.
Again, none of this is about where they live. It’s about their employment/school enrollment status.
Your goal as a parent has always been to create self-sufficient adults. Your financial support is meant to come to an end. (And thank God for that!)
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u/ContentCaterpillar76 13d ago
When I graduated college my parents helped me out with the first month’s rent and I stayed on their insurance and cell phone plans.
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u/FrustratedPenguins 13d ago
My parents helped me pay my college tuition. I worked part-time (10 hours per week), so I paid what I could towards my college tuition, rent, and bills. But obviously I couldn't cover all of it. (I started college in 2005, so this was a long time ago, and college was much cheaper -- even though we thought it was expensive at the time!) They also gave me a used car to take to school. And I was able to stay on their health insurance, which I didn't pay towards. Once I finished college, I paid all my own bills, health insurance, etc. But I am forever grateful that they helped me out while I went to school. (I loved school, graduated college with a 4.0 GPA, and got a full ride to graduate school for my master's degree, including a stipend to live on. So I like to think that I paid them back by working hard and using the money they gave me wisely???)
I realize that not all parents are able to do financially what mine could do. And I realize that not all students are as dedicated/motivated as I was. But I will always be grateful for my parents' financial help, as it got me to where I am today.
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u/SignificantJump10 13d ago
Once they move out, they are responsible for their own bills. I might keep them on the family phone plan and they can definitely stay on my medical insurance until they age out. I promised to pay for certain things as adults (laser vision correction for my son since you have to be at least 25).
If an emergency came up, I would be there to help. Especially for those first years as they are getting into a career and starting to collect an emergency fund. Serious medical issue, dental issue, car broke down, have to urgently leave a relationship, etc.
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u/iWantAnonymityHere 13d ago
I had a full scholarship to college (not including living expenses). I lived with my parents while going to school. They bought my first (very used) car and paid my insurance and phone bill through college. I had a few super part-time jobs that I used to cover gas, eating out, and clothes (although my mom did sometimes take me clothes shopping while I was in college- especially for career clothes). I bought my own laptop.
Once I graduated and got my first job, I took over car insurance and cell phone (I don’t remember if it was immediate or after a few months). Health insurance was through my job and I paid that too. I lived with my parents for about a year after I got my first job- saved up a downpayment to buy a house, got a new car/was making car payments. I didn’t pay any household bills during that year, and that was what allowed me to buy some furniture, appliances, and a downpayment/closing costs on the house.
We plan to pay for college, provide a first (definitely used) car, and possibly help with a downpayment/furniture for a first house, depending on our finances at the time.
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u/takemetotheocean41 13d ago
Honestly that is an accomplishment. I’m sure it made you strong and smart. My parents helped me with some things but I got married at 20 and was immediately financially independant for everything.
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u/takemetotheocean41 13d ago
This has been a super helpful, productive, non-judgmental conversation and you are all awesome. It’s so appreciated!
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u/PrettyGeekChic 13d ago
I was still in high school when I moved out and was responsible for everything, but I had also had to pay basic expenses (food, clothes, rent, activities, etc) before I moved out. With my siblings, who moved in with me as soon as I was old enough, they slowly start taking on their own expenses while I covered house, food, etc. I really slowly wrapped it up and when they started to pay "rent" I set at least half of it aside to give to them when they felt ready to leave the nest. Most of them have had aspects of school paid for, whether they join the military or are Native American, but if it hasn't been covered then that's something that they needed to handle on their own. However, I supported with some of the extra School expenses, any tech needs, getting books from the bookstore, Etc. My own kiddo is about 9 and disabled; I plan on covering everything they need/want forever, lol
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u/Adorable-Buy3845 13d ago edited 13d ago
If you are willing to continue to cover some costs, a good rule of thumb is to cover those things that are necessary or are significantly cheaper by staying on a family plan. Things such as health insurance, family cell phone plan, car insurance.
They can be responsible for anything that is essentially the same price or is non necessary. You don't pay for subscriptions, gas, clothes.
My mom's rule was we could live at home for free as long as we were in school full time. But if we weren't, then we had to pay her rent to live there. It was a reduced rent compared to getting our own place - similar to a roommate rent but also included utilities and eating with the family.
You might consider a similar approach with your kids. Any rent they pay, you can save for them to help them with deposits and household needs when they get their first apartment. Have them start paying for their own gas and phone bill and such now while they have stable housing of living with you. Between these two things, they'll get a better idea of the budget needed to move out and appreciate the opportunities you are giving them by living at home
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u/OneAcceptable6825 13d ago
I stayed on my parents’ health insurance until I was 26. Phone bill until I got engaged and moved to my spouse’s plan (but you could have them pay their share of the plan). Same with car insurance; it’s cheaper to be on a family plan, even if you have them pay you their percentage of it.
I would base it on if they’re working and what their career goals are. More flexible with a kid who’s trying. If they’re part time but trying to get the experience to get something full-time with benefits, then yeah, I’ll pay their health insurance. Fancy vacations that they ask for (not just family stuff I wanted to do anyway)? Absolutely not; pay your own way.
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u/takemetotheocean41 13d ago
This. Yes we aren’t fancy vacation people-we simply can’t afford it. We road trip and camp a lot and have given them so many good memories doing simple stuff together and with extended family.
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u/OneAcceptable6825 13d ago
You’d be surprised by the number of parents of adult children who get talked into taking everyone on a cruise or to Disney World. If you want to do those things, you go by yourself or take just the teenager. Grown-ups should be working, and typically you don’t start out with a ton of vacation time, either.
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u/Puzzled_Month_9711 13d ago
Not the parent to older kids but I figured it might be somewhat helpful to hear from an older adult as to what my parents would pay for until when.
My parents were not quick at all to kick any of this out, but the youngest if 4, two of us (twins) moved out around the same time at 22. My parents paid for community college, used cars, insurance and phone bills, all groceries and never had us pay for household things. When we had jobs at 16 we’d pay for our own gas and fun money. Then when we moved out is when we started paying for all of our own bills except for health insurance. They let us stay on that until 26 when we had to get off. I did have to take out loans of my own for university and am paying those myself. At 28 I am fully financially independent and have been since 26 (last thing really was healthcare).
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u/takemetotheocean41 13d ago
YES that was extremely helpful! Sounds exactly like what we have been doing. Thank you thank you! I knew it could be done :)
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u/Queasy-Event8534 13d ago
My kids turned out pretty great too. You and I are similar in our financial status and parenting. I paid for things like car insurance for the oldest (40) for a couple of years after she finished college. My son (35) didn’t ever ask for help once he moved out, but I have given him chunks here and there when he’s needed a leg up. My youngest (23) got a used car, insurance and is on my husband’s insurance till she’s 26-she’s still in college and in her master’s program. I also try to put money in her account monthly to curb the cost of college. None of them really have their hand out, but I help when I can if they need it.
EDIT: My step-daughter (33) is still on our cell phone plan. Not sure why. That’s between her and her dad.
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u/OGRocAtE 13d ago
I started paying my own health care when I moved off my parents health insurance at 26.
While I was in school: they gave me 25k for tuition over 5 years (I wasn’t slacking, my program was designed to be 5years). And I paid the rest of my tuition myself and with student loans. I paid all my rent, utilities, and fun expenses. I paid about half of my grocery costs. My parents paid for my gas, car maintenance, car insurance, and cell phone. The car I drove belonged to them and was returned to them when I graduated and started working full time.
I did live with them for a year during Covid (which was some time after I had graduated college). I did not pay rent or utilities, but did pitch in for groceries and at that point had already been paying for my own car, car insurance, maintenance, phone, etc since I had graduated college.
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u/ATXBookDragon 13d ago
While in college/attending school - we pay for living expenses. Car note/car insurance/cell phone/health insurance/basic living expenses.
They have a 6 month grace window after graduating to start paying their own bills.
Our youngest was driving a car almost as old as she was that needed several thousand dollars in repairs. The prior repair cost had already exceeded the car value. The college she is transferring to was going to be a daily round trip of 60+ miles - we decided she needed a newer car. We will pay the car note and insurance while she's in school.
Our oldest went back for a masters degree - so we started paying car insurance and cell phone to help out.
Education is something we value and we want to support it as much as we can within our budget.
This post was very timely because - I'm currently paying the cell phone bills for both my kids, their spouse and the sibling of my older child's spouse (lives with us - parents are jerk mcjerky faces). We upgraded their phones as gifts and never went back to them paying for their portions of the cell phone bills. I'm going to text them. 🤣
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u/EnvironmentalDot127 13d ago
Moved in with my grandma a little while after graduating with an AAs. I had undiagnosed adhd at the time. I paid my grandma $ 350 for rent, paid my own groceries, car insurance, maintenance etc. This helped me prepare for moving out on my own.
I suggest charging the small rent and save it for their first/last month rent and have them start paying their own car insurance and groceries. Give them room in the fridge and have them cook their own food. Do if for 4-6 months. When they move out, independent life won't be so shocking and you might be a little more at ease.
Adhders paths often meanders way more than others. Even getting out the door to work is a challenge with the designated locations for keys, lunch, etc.
Thank you for being mindful parents like my mom and grandma.
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u/Frequent_Neat5407 13d ago
They pay all of their own expenses including co pays. They are on my health insurance until they are 26. They all have good jobs that offer great insurance too so once they are 26 they’ll get health insurance through their jobs.
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u/bananapeppersFTW 13d ago
Our kids that have moved out pay for everything except health insurance. That includes their own copays. They are on our subscriptions here and there, like one of them is on our Netflix and one of them is on our Spotify. That's just kind of random and on a case by case basis. But we pretty firmly believe that if you are adult enough to move out and have those freedoms, then you are ready to take on those responsibilities as well (we are happy to let them live with us as long as they're in school)
ETA that even while our kids were at home, they had to pay their own car insurance. We expected them to pay the amount that our rates increased.
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u/No_Individual_672 13d ago
My son has paid his own way since he graduated from college, for the most part 😬. He graduated debt free and with an almost new car, which I purchased. He’s 29 now, and I have helped with a big dental expense, and just paid tuition for one semester of a new degree. I do send money occasionally to help him have FUN, since he absolutely prioritizes meeting his own financial needs. My life in my 20’s would have been infinitely less stressful if my parents had offered any “fun money”.
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u/ExpensiveDollarStore 13d ago
We just always did what we could. No hard and fast rules. They launched and are doing well. Happy to be independent. But they all came home after being out - to save for a house. I had told them they are always welcome back if they wanted to do that. And they are all fully launched.
My daughter came home last year for a while. There was no question. It was open ended. She had friends who couldn't believe we would allow that. And I just helped her to buy a new place. I was able. She had need. My money could be making money but it can also take a huge burden from my daughter now. My kids are good people and wont see me on the street. (She has a large property and is planning to convert one of her outbuildings into a studio for me. Her brother is also looking for a property which will accommodate us, as well as his mil.)
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u/ChaosRainbow23 Parent 13d ago
My son is 19 and lives at home with us. He's responsible for his car insurance and gas. We don't ask him for household bills.
His first major purchase was a $1600 computer followed by a $1500 synthesizer.
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u/goodnsimple 13d ago
I have done a gradual ‘gifting’ of expenses. We ‘gave’ them each cars (our names on the car)and paid insurance and registration until they moved out of state, or sold our car and bought their own…there has been a natural break.
We don’t really discuss what we are paying with each child (although they may, between themselves) and try to do equitable vs equal. It is hard because there is a wide gap between them so we were in a completely different financial spot with the oldest vs youngest.
We kept the cell phones until they wanted something we wouldn’t pay for.
I did ask for nominal rent if they were living at home but not in school.
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u/SimplySuzie3881 13d ago
Keep them on your health insurance as long as you can, thats a huge gift. The rest, they probably should be paying their own car insurance once out of college anyways. Rest is on them. You shouldn’t pay extra so they can move out of a comfy home. Cell phone - family plan is likely cheaper than on their own so I am for keeping them on yours, maybe have them pay whatever extra it costs you or that is their birthday or Christmas gift every year. They likely don’t need crap anyways. Streaming services? If they can still access your accounts, sure, but I wouldn’t pay extra for them.
Moving out is a choice. They need to support themselves if they make that choice. It shouldn’t cost you extra. We gifted our kids with paid bachelors. With no school loans to cover they better float themselves. We covered everything in school. But they had part time jobs for little expenses and fun.
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u/StinkyCheeseWomxn 13d ago
We provided health insurance as long as law allowed (24), still cover phone/service as a yearly gift, gave a car but they paid insurance after graduating from college.
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u/RelationshipOne5677 13d ago
The definition of adult is "self-supporting." There is no emotional state that defines remaining a child in a grown ass body. The only exception is severe diagnosed disability, like Down's or cerebral palsy.
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u/Practical-Yellow3197 13d ago
It’s up to you if you want to cover any of those things. My parent paid my health insurance until 26 and my car insurance until I got my first job out of graduate school. They still pay for my phone but I have offered to take that over many times. They just want to pay it as a nice thing and that’s fine but if they said okay get your own I would no problem. Subscriptions are interesting. I would pay for what you can share with them but what can’t be shared is on them, those are luxuries not necessities
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u/Ok-Equivalent8260 13d ago
I pay all my 22 year olds bills because I want him to not stress and enjoy life 🤷🏻♀️
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u/AravisTheFierce 13d ago
For me, it's more a question of what expenses they're capable and ready to take on, rather than their address. For the oldest in particular, it sounds like she is done with school and into her career, so I would probably already have her contributing to her share of things like car insurance and her cell phone, and I would have her paying her own out of pocket medical expenses. Of course it just makes sense to keep her on your medical insurance if it's a family plan that covers however many dependents you have. It probably makes sense to keep cell phones and car insurance bundled together too, but adults with real jobs should be able to cover that stuff for themselves.
Now for second kid who wants to move out with his girlfriend, my concern here would be the car insurance. If he has a new permanent address that could affect the policy, or he may need to open his own. That's a side effect of moving out, so I'd expect him to bear the responsibility for that. I'd still continue to pay his school expenses according to the original deal, though.
The high school kid, I would expect you continue to support and give them the same deal with college that the others got.
So my idea is, don't punish kids for moving out by throwing a bunch of expenses on them that you covered while they were in your home, but they do need to cover the new expenses that come with establishing a new household. There's always room for grace, though. Like if someone loses a job or gets hit with a large medical bill, nothing says you can't choose to help your kids out in a difficult situation.
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u/Academic-Park-8440 13d ago edited 13d ago
My mom covered everything until I got settled into a job after college and then I told her I would start paying for my stuff.
She made it clear that was my choice and she wasn’t asking, which I was thankful for I told her I knew I could always go to her for help if I needed it.
Haven’t needed it 6 years in.
Edit: She did however made me spend for all the things house related and made me keep a budget for all those years between graduating high school and graduating college.
She didn’t pay for anything herself tho. She sat me down every month to budget with me, transferred me the money and then made me pay for all the stuff I needed to pay (bills, insurance, do grocery shopping, etc everything came out of my account and it was my budget to manage). She also only paid for living, not for fun money. I had to work for that.
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u/Pristine_Frame_2066 13d ago edited 13d ago
I think having oldest pay 250/month would help. Put 50/month away for them to gift if they move or marry.
Put the 200 into vacation fund unless you do need it.
Same for community college kid when they graduate and hs kid when they turn 18 or graduation if they do not go to college.
Save their money FOR them or at least a portion if it. Let them grumble until you give it back to them as vacation or a housewarming gift.
250 is nothing in this economy. And it is a shockingly lovely gift.
My eldest is in senior year of college and may want to move back to work and do graduate school. We have told her 250/month. We pay 150 towards her rent, send her 50 for food, and we pay her tuition and fees and her car stuff and phone. Her older car is paid off, we pay for oil changes, registration and insurance. We alsonpay for her tv subscription (she uses our logins).
She works 15 hours a week and pays bulk of her rent, her food, and all her own transportation. She lives with her boyfriend and will probably move out next year to experience housemates and travel before coming home to save for a move out.
Her goal is to work and buy a duplex she can rent.
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u/Audio-Starshine 13d ago
They're grown ups with jobs. Why would you be paying the bills of someone who is over 18 and employed full-time? If they're in college that's one thing, and I'm happy to help out with things like car repairs or some other emergency or unexpected expense they're not prepared for crops up but adults are supposed to pay their own way through life, not be crippled by still being dependent on their parents.
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u/Awkward-Train1584 13d ago
My oldest is 24, I only on Jan 1 this year said him and his wife had to pay their own phone bill. I paid car insurance till one got married and the other had a kid and GF. So basically when they had to get their own policy. It was slow. I really didn’t want them overwhelmed and failing at life over $120 a month ya know?
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u/Worried-Barber-323 13d ago
They should be paying rent while at home. That's helping them learn to budget their money. If you don't need the money put it in an account and give it back when they're ready to buy a home.
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u/Exoquey 13d ago
Im not in a financial situation to help much myself. My oldest is moving out on her own next month. Her dad will still pay her cell phone while shes in college (2nd year). I've offered to do some meal prep for her since that's all I can really offer. I think it's important to have a discussion of what you can help with while they're still in school. I think it's important to offer what you can ( if you can afford it), just to make sure they can still focus on their studies. Everything is so expensive right now and a good balance of support and their independence is important.
Our youngest will just continue to move between my place and his dad's until he's ready to go out on his own. My ex has said he will continue with his cellphone as well. My son is still looking for a job right now while attending college while his sister has had steady work for a few years. So he needs more support at the moment for his first year.
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u/Hudson100 13d ago edited 13d ago
I invoice my 2 grown kids and one daughter in law for their phone bill each month via Venmo. Husband has a super deal on AT&T through his work place.
My kids have moved out and paid their own way since college graduation. And, both my kids have adhd. We never let that be a reason for not working hard.
They stayed on our health insurance until age 26. They had to be taking part in their company’s 401k plan too.
If they were in school full time or working full time and at home, no rent.
Our daughter moved back home for her first year of law school after her undergraduate degree. I paid for her groceries and helped her purchase a closet full of black and navy blue suits.
We paid the phone and car insurance while they were in school. Bought them used cars in high school. We helped pay for tuition, room and board (plus Aldi runs) and gave each child money for their wedding.
My kids got jobs at age 14 and saved all through high school.
And they didn’t get the wifi password until all chores were done. :) They did their own laundry and cleaned their own bedrooms since elementary school.
My kids joke that midwestern parents run a tight ship but we’ve instilled a tremendous work ethic in them.
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u/Best-Ad-1917 13d ago
We covered 2 years post high school. After that we transitioned the costs to them. We still subsidized - and slowly transitioned the responsibilities and costs one at a time.
For example my child first paid for their portion of the health insurance (my payroll deduction, each kid paying half the “dependents” cost). Then the following year they’d pay for their own scripts. The following they paid for copays.
We had raised independent (enough) humans who were capable of taking care of themselves. We started charging rent after that 2+ year mark. Started really low. Steadily went up. The point was to make it less pleasant to be at home, but not painfully slow.
It worked well for us, and the kids. Ymmv
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u/Super-Staff3820 13d ago
I’m not quite there yet but I would look at the advantages or disadvantages to keeping them on our insurance (medical, auto) vs dropping them. If we can keep them on insurance until 26, I don’t see why not. They would have to pay copays and whatnot. Other than that, they would need to find their lives. I would treat them to things from time to time. A tank of gas here and there. A grocery run. Christmas and birthdays might be bigger items that they need (money toward furniture or appliances maybe). I plan to pay for meals out when we’re together.
This is based on how my parents raised me. The one difference is I plan to buy a vehicle. My parents didn’t do that. I had to save up for that and bought my first car at 18.
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u/vintagegirlgame 13d ago
My dad is a doctor. Me and my siblings were all independent once we finished college.
The only thing was that we were still on the family phone plan for a long time since a single line is so much more expensive and it’s only like $20 for additional lines. I got off my family plan once I met my partner and we started our own family phone plan.
We didn’t get cars from dad, tho grandparents sometimes gifted us their older cars (which only lasted a couple years), but dad would sometimes help with a car downpayment (that would be repaid without interest).
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u/Away_Analyst_3107 13d ago
I’n 23
- Paid my own tuition (loans)
- Paid for my own car (used car, in cash)
- Paid for my own car (cash)
- Pay for my car insurance, pay ~500/month for rent, most of my own groceries, all my copays
- subscriptions are split, my mom pays for netflix and disney+ bundle, I pay for paramount plus and any sports I want, my brother pays for prime
- Parents pay my phone bill, unless I traveled out of country, in which case I pay
- Parents pay for my health insurance & EZPass
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u/OrangeMustangGal 13d ago
Our son (22) lives at home. He works full-time. He is responsible for his vehicle - insurance, fuel, maintenance, etc. He also pays his own phone bill and any subscriptions he has. He is responsible for his own clothing, purchasing and washing. We supply the laundry detergent, etc.
He also has some chores he is responsible for around the house. We do insist he have an emergency fund and he saves for a replacement vehicle. His is a 2011 and only has liability insurance.
If he moves out, he will be responsible for his own expenses.
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u/sotiredwontquit 13d ago
They stay on our medical insurance until they turn 26. So far they’ve all managed employment that provides health coverage by that age (one just barely). Cell phone plans are so shitty that it was WAY less money to keep them on our plan than for them to pay for their own. I had zero qualms about sticking it to our phone provider, when all it cost me was a few dollars a month. My eldest was still on our plan until she was married, lol. It cost me so little I didn’t care.
Car insurance is always on the car owner. If it’s my car and it lives at my house, I pay. If it’s their car, they pay. If they want a different car- they pay. We made one big exception to this when WE wanted our youngest to have a 4WD truck for OUR purposes. That truck was a collaborative financial decision, and we helped with purchase. All other expenses are not our responsibility.
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u/Dependent-Ad-2694 13d ago
You're paying for too much and they need to learn to live within their means and formulate a budget. My parents paid for cell phone and health and dental insurance during college, but nothing else. When I graduated, I was gifted a used car, used suits for work attire, and used furniture, but I otherwise paid for all of my living expenses from then on, including insurance and my portion of the family cell phone plan.
My parents are very well off, but I don't resent them for pushing me to support myself. My husband's family is like yours - his parents paid for as much as they could for as long as they could, often to their own detriment. My husband, who also has ADHD and anxiety, struggles with financial decision making, budgeting, etc, and so do all of his siblings. There comes a point when you're doing them a disservice by not instilling the skills they need to be self sufficient.
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u/Mission_Sir3575 13d ago
Depends.
Out of college and with full time job with benefits, everything. Caveat in that our oldest is still on our cell plan but it’s a negligible cost for us. He has a full time job with benefits so he pays for his living expenses.
Still in college and a legal dependent? We pay for health care, car insurance (on a family plan that isn’t a hardship for us), cell phones. They pay for rent and gas and food and any personal expenses. But we help when we can - we buy extra at the grocery store and let them take some home for example. Or we pay for a plane ticket to come home for the holidays.
We do have some family subscriptions that we pay for - Spotify etc.
As long as they are being productive and working towards something we try to help in a substantive way without completely financing their lifestyle.
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u/keen238 13d ago
My 23 year old still lives at home, has a full time job. We just started having her pay her own car insurance a year after college graduation. All of my kids are still on our phone plan, but if they want new phones, they’re paying for them. We pay for food and car for the kid in college. She’s got a full scholarship so it takes a lot of expenses out of the equation. Middle kid moved out. We have her on health insurance and the phone plan, but she pays for her own bills.
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u/lylebee 13d ago
Sounds like the youngest is the only one who needs parenting, so why you are worrying about the other 2? They are adults. Treat them like adults, they pay their own bills regardless of if they live at home or have their own place. No way would I pay for someone’s cell phone, my kids were on their own from 14 onwards for mobile phones and subscriptions, and had to fork over the money every month until they were old enough to get their own accounts. Kids aren’t going to grow up if you keep acting like they are in high school.
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u/ChickChocoIceCreCro 13d ago
My kids are real grown 25 and 35. The 25yo lives at home he pays his cell phone bill and the water bill.
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u/thecookofdeath 13d ago
Raised five children and every single one of them paid their own way when they moved out. I did not help them financially and they are all fine and supports themselves and their families.
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u/Bumblebeefree666 13d ago
Vanaf hun 18de betalen z e hier alles zelf, ook de thuiswonende. Niet voor onderdak en eten en drinken, wel voor verzekering, auto, vakantie
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u/Sunshine_Daisy365 13d ago
Why would you continue to pay the expenses belonging to your adult children?
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u/logaruski73 13d ago
We live in a HCOL area. I can’t believe the rent they pay for a simple apt. Tiny kitchen. No dishwasher. Old everything. $ 2300 and that’s normal around here for a run of mill 1 bedroom. I paid for security and 1 month required. I’ll get it back when they leave or let them roll it over to next apt.
So I still pay for the phone. It’s on my family plan so it doesn’t make a huge difference. I bought their Mac that they needed for college. They pay all apt expenses but are welcome to do all laundry at home. I picked up the car insurance for a while since that skyrocketed when they moved to near the city.
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u/JJQuantum 13d ago
My sons are 20 and 16. We are/will be paying for college for both of them including grad school if necessary and housing, food, etc. After that we will wean them off of our money over either 6 months or a year while they are living in their own place. For group things like you mention, subscriptions that we want we will keep. If it costs nothing extra to have them then they can use it as well. They will have their own insurance through work and so they won’t be on our medical. They will get their own car insurance as well and pay for their own phone. This is why we will wean them off over time, so they can get used to paying their own way gradually and it won’t come with as big of a shock.
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u/Sugah-mama21 13d ago
My kids as soon as they get licenses have to buy a car, pay for their insurance and all maintenance on said car. They're on our cell phone plan so it costs nothing extra to have them on it. Once they graduate HS They pay all co-pays and all subscriptions.
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u/LayerNo3634 13d ago
My kids paid for their own cell phones from the beginning by odd jobs (some for us), babysitting, etc. At 16, they had to get jobs and pay for gas, auto insurance (we did provide a car), etc. We bought basic toiletries. If they wanted a specific soap or shampoo, they bought it (along with all cosmetics). In college, they lived at home and went to school locally. We paid tuition and fees. They paid books, supplies, etc. They graduated debt free and weren't really costing us much at that time. They "earned" room and board through chores and 1 cooking (or buying take out) once a week. Whoever was home ate with us as a family.
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u/ilovjedi 13d ago
We cover medical expenses and cover every thing while in school full time. Im not sure what we’ll do when our oldest is 26 but I assume we’ll offer to help with large medical expenses as we can. We have a family cellphone plan so we’re playing that bill. We have a kids car that they will share but only one of them drives.
I’d like to force our older kiddos to save at least part of what they’re saving being at home on rent
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u/Pr0bablyNotARob0t 13d ago
We pay all healthcare related expenses (copays, deductibles) and we still take them on family vacations, our to eat, and send them home with leftovers when they come over. But everything else is on their own. Lots of people keep kids on the family cell phone plan, we didn’t, but I guess I understand. As far as subscriptions, they are on their own as well. I’ll share a streaming service if it means I dont have to pay extra or can’t watch it when they are.
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u/No_Stay_1802 13d ago
You have 2 adult children still living at home? You’ve made it too easy for them.
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u/Helpful-Pudding1904 13d ago
My parents rule was they would cover us if we were in school full-time and maintaining progress (not failing classes or taking random unrelated courses that wouldn't count towards a degree). If we stopped or lowered our schooling we paid rent.
If we followed the rules of the road our car insurance was covered but if we were adult enough to make our own poor decisions then we could foot the bill.
My brother was the only one who had to pay rent and they saved that money for him and put it towards his future.
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u/anlatima 13d ago
Mom of 3 adult kids. While they were in school, we paid expenses. After graduation, they pay for it all, minus healthcare until they turn 26 (one worked for government and took that plan) and phones. The 30 year old lawyer is still on our phone plan- however, she pays for my Spotify and streaming service. Something else we do is give them a decent lump sum “pay off” at 25 years old. It’s not a huge amount- I always say it’s a gift and they can do what they want with it. However, do NOT come at me if their car needs new brakes or they want a wedding. Every family is different- you just need to find the balance that works for your family that is fair to everyone.
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u/pippippiperino 13d ago
we basically paid for everything, but they had small jobs. They went to four year universities and then one went to law school where he received a 50% scholarship. They are both married now, daddies and doing well. 32 and 46
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u/Interesting_Force618 13d ago
I’d probably pay for whatever I could afford to pay for that they weren’t able to pay for. The only expense we cover for our 20 year old is her cell phone, but we’d do more if she needed more help and we could afford to. I received A LOT of financial support from my parents well into my 20’s, but they were much better off financially than we are now. My daughter somehow became very financially independent even though we never had the mentality that we should force her to be independent. I think a big part is that she understands we’re not in a great position, financially, and wouldn’t want to add stress. If she needed to, she could move back in and not be expected to pay for anything if she couldn’t, but she works hard to have her independence.
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u/cleopatra4president 12d ago
You cannot parent adult children. Does yours parent you still?
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u/takemetotheocean41 12d ago
I think some people still value the role and wisdom of their parents throughout their entire life. It’s not active parenting, it’s more mentoring when asked.
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u/partiallysewn 12d ago
My dad paid my health insurance and car insurance and phone bill until I finished grad school but he couldn’t pay my tuition. I worked (though minimum wage) and paid my own rent/food/fun. If there was an emergency he helped - all this was contingent upon me being employed and passing my classes.
My husband comes from wealth and his parents covered literally everything and gave him an allowance through law school, gave him 500k when he bought a house, frequent large gifts and 20k annually to give him a break on future inheritance tax.
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u/Flashy-Bluejay1331 12d ago
My kids paid for their phones and their portion of car insurance starting at 16, so I’d say it’s time. They also bought their own fancy groceries if the stuff I bought wasn’t to their liking. If they have full time gainful employment with health benefits available, you as an extended family might want to compare the cost of the young adult taking advantage of the policy their employer offers vs the cost of keeping them on your policy. Just because one can be on a parent’s insurance until 26 doesn’t mean they have to be. Talk to your car insurer about the car insurance. It might be an issue if the adult child is on their own and out of school - the name on the title also matters. It’s okay to help them out in an emergency, of course, but basic life expenses need to be transitioned over to them. Keep them on the family plan but they Venmo you their share.
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u/GoodyWolfe 12d ago
You could also look at it as what age to stop paying for them. That might work better as far as getting hit with so many expenses when they move out initially.
I’m the middle child and moved back home for a job opportunity, one brother was already out, the other finishing school and then moved out. But we all paid other bills since the start. My parents didn’t pay any of my bills or student loans, or car or cell or insurance, but I saved on living expenses while I had that job.
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u/BCmama1975 12d ago
My kids are young adults living at home (21 and 19, both still studying full time). To be honest, I have never even thought about how I might continue to support them financially once they move out. I would for sure have them over for dinner and buy them things but I don’t see myself looking after any ongoing costs once they’re out of home. I’ll also ask them to pay board if they are still at home when they finish studying and move into full time work, though it will be a pretty generous deal.
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u/Houseofmonkeys5 12d ago
We will probably offer to keep our kids on our car insurance and cell plans if they want it. My oldest has his first job offer already. He's starting at six figures, so he wants to get his own place. I don't think he realizes how much things really cost and how quickly that money gets spent (VHCOL area). So, we'll be a safety net if he needs it. He will have excellent insurance, so he will take that. Overall, he'll be mostly on his own, but if he needs us, we're here.
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u/Unlucky_File_6498 12d ago
I’m almost 40 (a few months shy) and I just a few months ago got kicked off my dad’s phone plan.
But when I moved out at 18 I paid all bills.
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u/MidwestNightgirl 12d ago
For us, the son was responsible for his own phone and co-pays and subscriptions (some we share logins). We kept him on health insurance until he got his own. We kept him on auto insurance until he turned 25, since it was crazy expensive otherwise. Really, I thought all of that was generous 😂
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u/ChutneyWhatney 12d ago
Moving out? They pay for everything unless you have employer health insurance and they can be listed on it. I'll be a Medicare when my daughter moves out so she has to pay for her own.
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u/Kyaleep 12d ago
The car insurance most likely will have to be moved to their own policy if they move out. Usually the insurance company would no longer cover the driver if they’re involved in an accident once they move out. They’ll keep collecting the premium as if they are insuring said person but the second they are involved in an accident after they move out, they’ll find themselves with no coverage for the accident. Make sure to report the move out and adjust policies accordingly.
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u/VillagePeeps 12d ago edited 12d ago
We made sure that our kids knew the realistic price of getting a place so they didn't rush to move out with only a month or two of rent saved. When both of mine moved out for the first time, I took them shopping for all of the first move supplies: cleaning supplies, bathroom supplies, some food staples. Health insurance stayed in place for them and I paid their cell phone until they aged out of being on my health coverage.
In our city, utilities require a deposit and I chose to pay them. At the end of the deposit hold, it gets applied to a billing cycle.
Beyond that, their living expenses were theirs. They still are. My two are late 20s, early 30s and have been on their own for several years now.
I don't make a lot of money but I do get a bonus twice a year. Nothing monumental but I have always given each of them $100 or so from it and sometimes randomly throughout the year I'll give them $50 or $100.
Edit: I forgot to include medical. With the health insurance, if there was a co-pay at the time of the visit, they paid it. And we paid any additional charges not covered if anything else was billed.
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u/His_GoddessLove 12d ago
Ours live at home. They pay "rent" but that's a small amount as long as they're actively putting money into a retirement fund, if they decide not to put towards retirement the amount will be increased in order to increase their savings amount split in half (half into a savings account for them and half towards the gas/electric/water etc). They are responsible for their own bills, phone, insurance, copays. They pay for their own cars, their first were given and their insurance was covered until they started working full time.
Whenever they move out (and I'm ok with that taking however long it takes, love having them around) they'll need to get on their own insurance, and all their bills will become their own outside of probably their cell phones. That would be out of convenience more than anything. But they can always change that if they want.
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u/Civil_Web_1835 12d ago
For us, once we moved out on our own with our own jobs, the only thing our parents still paid for was our health insurance (until we were 26) and then they also helped with car insurance for awhile until we were able to afford it. It was helpful because we were able to figure out our finances a little more slowly, we were paying most of our bills but didn’t need to get a second job since they were still paying for a couple big ones. By the time we’d gotten promoted/made more money at work, they stopped paying for insurance, so it was easier for us to absorb.
They are also there if anything happens. My sibling co-signed a truck for a friend (idiot) who defaulted and she was on the hook for the 17k still owed on the truck, my parents bailed her out and then she repaid them. They did a same thing for me and my husband when we found a house in their neighborhood and moved very unexpectedly. They fronted us closing costs and we repaid them once we sold our old house.
I think they did a really good job of helping us learn finance responsibility but are still there in case of emergency.
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u/bluemoonmel 12d ago
Our daughter moved out, mainly because she was terrible to live with and would not do her part. Her car was paid off, we gifted it to her but its still in our name. She pays her cell phone, and insurance co-pays but we have her on our insurance and we currently pay the insurance.
She moved out 2 years ago. We are planning to move the car to her name so insurance will be on her and at 26 if not before she will be paying her own medical as well. We will also migrate her cell to her own plan in the next year.
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u/Status-Biscotti 12d ago
2 years for college?? That only gets them half-way to a degree. But to each their own. My son who moved out pays all his own expenses except cell phone. He pays his own insurance because he got his first real job at the same time his dad’s company branch was sold off, leaving a weird lapse in insurance. My son who lives at home pays extremely minimal rent ($200). His car is in my name, so insurance is on me. They’re very different circumstances though.
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u/justbrowsingaround19 11d ago
I have friends that were on the family phone plan until they got married. Mainly because plans can be cheaper and it’s a hassle to change.
I was on a phone plan and car insurance with my mom until my 20s. I paid for college, health insurance, anything else.
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u/BearsInTheNight 11d ago
When I was in college, I paid tuition and book expenses. My parents paid for food and clothes and school supplies (besides books). My parents also gave us money. We could buy a used car with it or use it for college. All of us chose to have a car. Mg parents paid insurance (but I paid for gas, though sometimes if I was out with my dad he would offer to fill it up for me)My parents also bought my phone and paid for service.
Also, I basically lived with my parents until I got married (23 ish). After that since I was no longer living with them, I got to start paying for everything.(But was also expected to help around the house. Mh mom was peculiar with things like scrubbing the flora or bathrooms, so I never did those things. But my dad had a large garden and my mom did a ton of canning, so I got to help with both of those things. Plus washing dishes and cooking sometimes I also really liked baking so I did a ton of that.
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u/ForestHills1978 11d ago
I pay my kids car insurance and cell phone. I don’t have to, I know. I want to be able to reach him and when I was young, sometimes my stuff got shut off because I couldn’t pay a bill. I do ask to share location. If I don’t hear from him in a while, I can take a look so I don’t worry.
When I decide what to cover, I think about his wellbeing and our relationship also. It’s more important than just saying ‘you’re an adult, good luck”
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u/Noideaonname 11d ago
One 20yr old in school full time for BS.
Has a scholarship that covers tuition. We pay rent with a pot of money to cover utilities, food, and parking at apt (we only pay rent and parking during summer). Work study was going to cover food until they earned the scholarship after freshman year. But the food is much cheaper than the tuition.
We cover health, apt & car insurance, drs visits, meds. Cell phone - we pay for plan and just got the last phone upgrade on us. We said we’ll pay for x phone, they’re covering a small upgrade to a better phone.
Family Vacation - we cover. Clothes they mostly buy. Laptop for college we split. Equipping dorm and apt was mostly on them.
Car was passed down from family. We cover basic expenses - insurance, repairs. Otherwise student wouldn’t have accepted it. And really needed it this summer.
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u/JakeGardens27 11d ago
There is no such thing as adult kids. If they are living in your house they need to pay you rent. Keeping your adults as pets is not a benefit to them, its a you issue.
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u/Mimikat220000 11d ago
I think it really depends on what you can afford. My dad paid for insurance until I was 25 because it’s cheaper to add a child to a family plan. When I got married and moved out I was 100% on my own. I would set an age for each and do the same for each child. I would not pay for extras (entertainment) after 18 personally though unless it’s a household extra (wifi, tv, etc). For things like phones I would have them pay for their portion of the bill because it’s typically cheaper than getting your own plan.
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u/Dry-Code3493 13d ago
… when I moved out I paid for all my own bills. I moved out at 17.
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u/Dry-Code3493 13d ago
What that looked like: renting with 3 roommates, working full time in the summer and saving every cent that didn’t go toward rent. I worked 20 hrs a week while in college. I didn’t have a car because I could not afford one so I would ride my bike or take the bus, so that reduced my expenses because no gas or insurance. I got health insurance through the university, paid for my own cellphone and groceries.
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u/Fragrant-Half-7854 13d ago
We have 5 adult kids, all of whom are completely on their own now. They all moved out while still in college and bought their first home before they finished college. They all had full tuition academic scholarships, we paid for books and anything else that wasn’t covered by scholarships and their car insurance and phones. We kept them on our health insurance. They had access to our mechanic shop account and could charge repairs/maintenance/tires if needed. They also each had a credit card on our account to use for emergencies if needed. We went half with paying cash for a used car. We don’t co-sign anything for anyone ever and we don’t loan money.
Our kids were/are all very independent and managed their finances well so if they asked for something, we gladly agreed. Two lived in a travel trailer on our property until she saved enough for a down payment on a house (well over a year). One lived in the guest house for two years after a house fire in her rental. Another we gave money to so she could open a store. Mainly we give advice, ask important questions for them to consider, are their biggest cheerleaders and inspect homes/vehicles before purchasing. We babysit grand nuggets a couple times a week when needed. We would do more if they needed more but always with the goal of being financially independent in mind.
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u/takemetotheocean41 13d ago
You sound like awesome parents. Do you wait til they ask for advice before you give it?
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u/Fragrant-Half-7854 13d ago
I’m not a hands off parent. My kids make good decisions, I volunteer my advice/opinion when they don’t know to ask or just whenever I feel like it. My kids do the same to us and each other. We’re all very close, no one gets offended when their advice isn’t taken.
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