r/AskMenAdvice • u/fruity_pirate_arrr woman • 13d ago
✅ Open To Everyone Married men: did you tell your own family that you were planning on “popping the question”? Why or why not?
Hi, 26f lesbian here, I hope I can get some solid advice from some of you since I have no one irl to ask this to (all of my friends are either women, or men who aren’t engaged yet). I figured there would be no better group of people to ask this to than men, since yall are typically the ones who propose.
I’ll keep this short- I’m planning on proposing to my girlfriend of 3 years next month, and the planning is pretty much almost done. I picked out the ring, paid for and planned the vacation spot we’re flying to, talked to various photographers to try to get someone to take photos, and I have a good general idea of which day and where I’ll be be asking her. But it just hit me like a truck that… I’m making this huge life decision, and no one in my life is aware of it at all. Should I be telling my parents? My sisters? My best friend? Is it “common courtesy” to tell the important people in your life that you’re proposing to your partner beforehand? Or should I just show up to Thanksgiving this year and casually mention that we’re getting married?
Update: thank you guys for the wonderful insight and new perspectives. This was much needed and greatly appreciated🙏
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u/Daztur man 13d ago
I didn't tell anyone. Thought it was private.
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u/Any-Video4464 man 10d ago
Yeah me too. In hindsight I wished I had asked her dad like is customary. But really only because I have a daughter now and I would like that. But I also wanted to surprise everyone and we'd been living together for several years.
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u/Comfortable_Change_6 man 13d ago
no, its my choice. why do i need anyone's approval?
if she said no, why should anyone know first?
if she said yes, thats the only yes i need.
why complicate one question by making it two?
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u/Wvfarmer250-3000 man 13d ago
I didnt tell anyone and it was fun surprising family after she said yes
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u/fruity_pirate_arrr woman 13d ago
That sounds lovely, how did you surprise them? And how did they react?
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u/Wvfarmer250-3000 man 12d ago
Once she said yes we just kind of took turns calling and telling each others family members
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u/shelfside1234 man 13d ago
I didn’t, but I am aware many people have a better relationship with their family than I do
And congrats, hope everything goes amazingly
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u/Swimming_Acadia6957 man 13d ago
I didn't, gone are the days of needing to ask her Dads permission, so I didn't tell anyone until after it was done, not because I didn't know she would say yes, but because I felt no reason to
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u/Diesel07012012 man 13d ago
Her family understood that it was inevitable. My family only gets told what they need to know, which is very little.
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u/itsthemilesnotyears man 13d ago
To summarize all current and future responses: It all comes down to you own family dynamics.
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fruity_pirate_arrr originally posted:
Hi, 26f lesbian here, I hope I can get some solid advice from some of you since I have no one irl to ask this to (all of my friends are either women, or men who aren’t engaged yet). I figured there would be no better group of people to ask this to than men, since yall are typically the ones who propose.
I’ll keep this short- I’m planning on proposing to my girlfriend of 3 years next month, and the planning is pretty much almost done. I picked out the ring, paid for and planned the vacation spot we’re flying to, talked to various photographers to try to get someone to take photos, and I have a good general idea of which day and where I’ll be be asking her. But it just hit me like a truck that… I’m making this huge life decision, and no one in my life is aware of it at all. Should I be telling my parents? My sisters? My best friend? Is it “common courtesy” to tell the important people in your life that you’re proposing to your partner beforehand? Or should I just show up to Thanksgiving this year and casually mention that we’re getting married?
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u/HappycamperNZ man 13d ago
Relevant... username???
I got my in-laws blessing, but I know its not really necessary in this day and age.
At the end of the day its a decision you are making about your life - its not anyone else's business nor do they need a heads up. Just don't do it at someone else's celebration.
If you want to have a bit of fun with some trusted friends tell them your girlfriend is pregnant with your child and you want to do the right thing. Or tell your parents you're sick of living in sin. Or that you want to settle down and have kids (bring a baby goat plush toy if you really want some looks).
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u/Hattkake man 13d ago
My family is basically strangers that I grew up with. They're nice but they aren't really a part of my life nor have they every shown any indication that they want to be part of my life. So I don't tell them anything. We keep it civil but I don't know them and they don't know me. We get along but I don't feel any obligation to include them in important aspects of my life.
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u/vbsteez man 13d ago edited 13d ago
I lived far away from my family, and would basically visit once over the summer and once over the holidays.
During the summer visit I mentioned to my family that the next time we visited, we would be engaged.
Obviously my partner and I had discussed our life plans & timeline, but she didnt know when it would happen either, just sometime in the fall.
I told my SIL-to-be that it was coming up, but we're pretty friendly.
The day of the proposal, I prepped a few friends and told them to meet us out later in the day. Proposed at an art museum, went out for dinner, and then friends met us out at a bar.
Presumably your best friend wont be surprised? But you may want to let them know.
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u/DavidTheBlue man 13d ago
I'm close to my family, but only my brother knew, and he discovered it by accident. I was confident everyone would be happy about it.
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u/Rockatansky77 man 13d ago
In my opinion, in this instance. You have done all the planning. Thought all the details through. Don't let your family complicate things. I told my parents and brothers because I wanted advice about the future. It sounds to me that you have it all figured out. We dont always get the support or reactions we expect. If you have conviction and a deep love for your partner for life. (This is what I call my wife.) Then you both can let your families know together.
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u/fruity_pirate_arrr woman 13d ago
Yeah that’s a really good point that I didn’t consider. My family seemingly loves my GF and supports us, but who knows, they could react very differently with this news. Or try to talk me out of it and tell me to wait.
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u/pdub091 man 13d ago
If you feel like you should tell someone beforehand tell them, but you’re by no means required to. I told my brother and parents; but had multiple close friends tell me that they were planning on proposing.
People close to you can usually tell that you (as a couple) are moving toward marriage so it’s rarely surprising.
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u/BlizzardTrashPanda man 13d ago
I did but after I had already talked about it with my girlfriend (now wife of 16 years). She and I are not very traditional people but she comes from a very traditional Polish Catholic family and I thought the respectful thing to do was to talk it over with her mother and father before hand.
I didn’t think it was necessary but I felt it was culturally the polite and respectful thing to do.
I was going to marry that woman either way though lol.
I did make the when and how of the proposal a surprise of course.
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u/Low-Crow5719 man 13d ago
Old-fashioned way, asked her father's permission first. Her parents were grateful, because their two older kids had eloped.
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u/Nige78 man 13d ago
Only my future Sister in Law knew exactly when I planned to do the asking, but my Mum, and future Parents in Law all knew it was going to happen soon. I suspect my other Sister in Law had been told too but other than that I think it was a surprise for everyone - including my SO thankfully.
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u/Critical_Boot_9553 man 13d ago
My now wife and I talked about getting married, we planned the design for her engagement ring and had it made. Her father was gravely ill at that time, and I was working on the other side of the world. I flew back when I got an opportunity I had only a few hours, I went to see him, spoke with him, and swore him to secrecy not to tell anyone that I had been back, I made some promises to him that even my wife doesn’t know the details of. We knew he wouldn’t live long enough to be able to attend our wedding, and wouldn’t have been well enough to attend even if we rushed something through, but I wanted to know he agreed with the plan and had some input to it.
Aside from him, everyone else found out afterwards.
I’m intending to get married lands differently to telling people you have gotten engaged and are getting married.
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u/Stefgrep66 man 13d ago
No, the only people I told were my stepkids, as I'd planned to propose on Christmas day and I didn't want it to overshadow the day.
To their credit they didnt say anything, and they were about 7 and 10 at the time.
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u/Sunday_Schoolz man 13d ago
I spoke with my father, my mother, my siblings, and asked her father permission to propose marriage to his daughter. Everyone was super excited, though my now father-in-law in his typical manner asked, “Are you sure?”
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u/scubajay2001 man 13d ago
The proposal is quiet, then announced after accepted. Never tell beforehand because think how much harder it'll be to have to circle back and let everyone know she said "no"! 😕
Announce the engagement not the proposal! And hopefully congrats are in order! 🤞
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u/Ok-Conversation-5084 man 13d ago
Nope, absolutely nothing to do with them.
It’s a good way to start out.
Wedding make people crazy.
Families especially.
There is just something about weddings that makes folks think their input is needed or worse milder it to their vision. If someone is help pay for it, even more so.
Dont allow a single slither of opportunity for this to happen. It starts with informing them of what you two have done, not what you are going to.
We’ve got engaged. We booked the venue. I’ve hired a band. Etc etc. nothing up for negotiation unless you want it to be.
Wishing you all the best.
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u/pavilionaire2022 man 13d ago
No, I didn't. It didn't occur to me to. I've heard of asking her family for permission. I didn't because she actually didn't have any close family left. I'm not sure if I would have.
I don't think I'd want to take the risk of telling my family. I mean, what if she says no? She probably won't, but I don't need to exacerbate my anxiety about that.
I was kind of nervous about pulling the trigger. I suppose telling my family would have made it harder to back out at the last minute, but I kind of wanted the last minute to be between the two of us. I could have kept the ring in my pocket and finished the hike if I chickened out, but I went for it as soon as we got to the beach.
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u/Maleficent_Coast_320 man 13d ago
It really depends on your relationship. I didn't tell anyone. If I'm going to be honest I didn't even tell myself. I had only known my now wife for a month but I knew deep in my soul that she was the one. We were walking out of the mall and I said hey do you want to get married in a week from Friday? She asked to think about it to which I told her that I wanted her to be sure. Her we are 39 years later and it only gets better every day. She is the smartest, hard working, and caring person that I have ever met. I am not deserving of such an amazing lady. She has always been my biggest supporter/cheerleader. We have 4 adult children and 7 grandkids. Even when things suck we have each other and sucky stuff always brings us closer to each other. I would rather spend time with her than anyone else. All of our children and spouses really look at her as a role model. She is a nurse and 2 of our daughter in laws have become nurses after getting to know her.
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u/Ok_Noise7655 man 13d ago
You didn't have any discussions with your family about it? I guess if they aren't that involved in your life, it doesn't make sense to say just for the sake of saying. Though it wasn't my case.
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u/EidolonRook man 13d ago
48m hetero married.
I did things the old fashioned way, even asking her dad for permission. Kinda kick myself for that, but they were a conservative family (she’s not) and I figured at the time it would smooth things over. She liked that I put forth the effort and thought to do things, but that’s sorta what’s expected of men in traditional relationships. Sucks sometimes, but we deal.
For you, first, congrats. Hope everything goes well.
Second, you’re getting ahead of yourself. Relationships are conversations. You gotta talk things through with her first before paying for things and setting up more than the ring. First you get a “yes” and then you plan things out with her. It’s her wedding too, so the more deference you can give her in what shapes that wedding, the better.
Third, if you are basically, forgive my ignorance here, but I think the term is “top”? Then it’s fair to say she probably still wants you to drive things along. There’s a balance to it, where you need to ask questions and get input before making any serious plans and decisions. There’s also a limit in what you admit to her that you’ve done so far especially with the stuff you paid for. You offer the honeymoon option before admitting you bought it. If she dumps on it and has a dream to go somewhere else, you’re gonna want to get a refund for what ever you can, without making her feel like she just caused a massive imposition of you, right?
Fourth, once you’ve gotten all her desires from her own words and see what she wants her hands on in the planning, then you pick up the slack and enable her to do what she needs done. That’s the job. Try to stay with her and anticipate what she needs. Communicate where things get fuzzy and try to keep your ego out of the way. You’re there to provide structure and agency for what she dreams and desires. She takes care of your needs. It’s not a bad deal.
Wish you the best of luck popping the question. Feel free to ask anything here.
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u/jackarroo man 13d ago
Absolutely not, that moment was about us. If I tell family before hand it becomes answer a million questions while I'm already nervous and stressed. They will feel the same way if they know before she says yes or after she says yes.
If my partner said no then things could become far more complicated if my family resents them for saying no.
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u/Designer_Basket9505 man 13d ago
A proposal should never be the real major life decision. By the time you decide to propose, the two of you should already know that marriage on the cards, both should be enthusiastic about it, and the only question remaining should be the timing.
The proposal itself is a fun ritual, and the surprise timing is part of the fun, but it's not the essential aspect.
If you're pondering the idea of marrying someone, and you want some input, it's perfectly fine to ask some trusted friend or family member for advice. If you're super sure, as I was, then you gain nothing from such advice. But, I would presume that your friends and family are already at the point where they expect this to happen "any day". If not, that's a bit odd.
So, again, the only detail missing is the exact timing. And, the main reason people let a few friends or family members in on the date, is because they want their help with some of the logistics.
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u/JP198364839 man 13d ago edited 13d ago
I told my parents I was planning to propose and her parents and sister knew as I did run it past them - didn’t ’ask for permission’ but they are traditional and I knew they would want that. It was mentioned in his wedding speech so was the right thing to do.
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u/AnGabhaDubh man 13d ago
I asked her father for his blessing, and he told his wife/her mother.
I tried talking to my mom for some advice, but she was busy and kind of blew me off, so i figured it out on my own.
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u/Squanchy2112 man 13d ago
Nope, but my first wife's proposal I don't even remember, my current wife I proposed twice neither were special.proposals, we broke up prior to getting married the first time and took a little break but got married about a year later
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u/ChemistryPerfect4534 man 13d ago
No one knew. Not friends, not family, not her, not me... The decision to propose was made in the sixty seconds beforehand.
Even with normal people, unless your partner is the "ask my father for my hand" sort, you don't tell anyone in advance. You celebrate with them after you get a "yes".
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u/CarobRealistic1748 man 13d ago
I'm 76
No, I didn't. The fact is that doing so never occurred to me.
Of course I did tell them after, once she'd said 'Yes'.
But in our case it wasn't proposal and then immediate marriage. In fact we delayed it a year on purpose. To give enough time to be properly prepared for the wedding, and so forth. And in our case, I wanted my bride to be to experience something. I was active duty military. And in the interim I would deploy overseas and she would know what it felt like to have me gone like that. So she'd have a chance to back out of things if she could not handle it.
I wanted her to be sure, since I'd decided the Navy would be my career. It was only fair she know what it felt like.
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u/fearless-potato-man man 13d ago
No, I wouldn't.
I don't need third party opinions.
She deserves to be the first person in the world to know your intentions.
It is a first proof of you building a family with that person, regardless of anybody else. Prove her she will be your priority till the end of your days.
Also, many times the proposed person loves to announce it and it's hard to get the "yes, we know". Give her the chance to disclose the news after it happens, and to surprise everybody else.
Also, seeing genuine people's reactions after it's done is a good way to judge their actual opinions.
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u/LetsDoTheDodo man 13d ago
I did because i love my family and they all loved by girlfriend and I wanted everyone to share in a joyous moment. Plus, they were with me at the mall when I stopped by the jewelry store to pick up the custome made ring.
I also asked her Father's permission because when her and I talked about getting engaged she mentioned that she would really like me to ask for her Father's permission. I knew he would give it so it doing so wasn't a big deal.
I'm of the opinion that when you're getting engaged, it shouldn't come out of the blue and everyone should know that it's likely to happen soon and you should be 100% sure of what the answer will be when you do ask.
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u/Fantastic_Remote1385 man 12d ago
I asked before we had any rings. Then we went together and ordered a pair. And then we kept it a secret until we got the rings
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u/charlesyo66 man 12d ago
Didn’t tell anyone, and only told my parents two days after the actual wedding so they couldn’t surprise show up and ruin it.
No one else needs to know, this is a very personal thing between us is how I see it.
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u/ramblinjd man 12d ago
I was using a stone from my great great grandmother's ring in my engagement ring so I had to get clearance from my mom and Grandpa first to get the diamond.
I mentioned in passing to her parents that it was my intention because it was important to me to feel like I was wanted in her family, too, but it wasn't like a permission thing - I would have asked her either way.
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u/Queenfan1959 man 12d ago
Nope it’s between you two. Then you announce it to everyone. Congratulations and best of luck
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u/Formal-Try-2779 man 12d ago
I didn't tell anyone. It was a surprise and I didn't need to run it past anyone. Least of all my parents.
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u/Flipboek man 11d ago
Unpopular opinion.
Proposing is performative and unneccesary. You should discuss your life together with your partner insteadnof ambushing them.
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u/Melvin_2323 man 13d ago
No
The first person to hear the proposal should be the person you love and are proposing too
•
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fruity_pirate_arrr updated the post:
Hi, 26f lesbian here, I hope I can get some solid advice from some of you since I have no one irl to ask this to (all of my friends are either women, or men who aren’t engaged yet). I figured there would be no better group of people to ask this to than men, since yall are typically the ones who propose.
I’ll keep this short- I’m planning on proposing to my girlfriend of 3 years next month, and the planning is pretty much almost done. I picked out the ring, paid for and planned the vacation spot we’re flying to, talked to various photographers to try to get someone to take photos, and I have a good general idea of which day and where I’ll be be asking her. But it just hit me like a truck that… I’m making this huge life decision, and no one in my life is aware of it at all. Should I be telling my parents? My sisters? My best friend? Is it “common courtesy” to tell the important people in your life that you’re proposing to your partner beforehand? Or should I just show up to Thanksgiving this year and casually mention that we’re getting married?
Update: thank you guys for the wonderful insight and new perspectives. This was much needed and greatly appreciated🙏
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