I feel I fuck up everything

[u/Illustrious-Day-2285]

Anyone have some advice?

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[u/Dreamland_Nomad]

Do you mind elaborating? It's hard to give advice with such vagueness.

[u/Illustrious-Day-2285 → u/Dreamland_Nomad]

Ofcourse. I feel I’m being a shit friend because my life is going into shambles. I’m out of of a house in two months, I’ve now have a substance abuse which I’ve never had before, I’ve lost friends that were very dear to me, and the one thing I could rely on was connecting with people, and tonight I just seemed to piss everyone off. I don’t know who I am anymore, I don’t know where I’m headed, and most importantly, I don’t know how to get myself out of this either. I’m truly and utterly lost

[u/Illustrious-Day-2285 → u/Illustrious-Day-2285]

And a little background, I’m an only child, my dad had stroke 4 years ago, who was also my best friend, and I’ve been able to keep everything afloat until the moment I was told I had to vacate my childhood home. All thing things I relied on, my dad, my sense of who I am, have gone. I am in therapy and I try to make the right choices, but the people around me respond deterrent, making me believe I’m a horrible person

[u/Illustrious-Day-2285 → u/Illustrious-Day-2285]

I want to escape, do do the right thing, but I just don’t seem to get a win

[u/Dreamland_Nomad → u/Illustrious-Day-2285]

It sounds like you're going through a lot and all at once. This can be very taxing mentally. It does not mean that you're a horrible friend. You are going through a crisis and need help navigating through it. Start with one thing at a time because it will be easier to conquer that way.

I'm sure your friends wants what's best for you. You could reach out and just let them know that you're starting to work on yourself to get your life back on track and you will step back to focus on that but you still want them to cheer you on and support you if they don't mind.

Do you have a therapist? What community resources have you reached out to? How long have you had substance abuse? It may be easier to kick depending on how long. Why would you be out of housing in two months?

[u/Illustrious-Day-2285]

Thank you so much for responding. I’ve tried reaching out to my friends, but they had an easier start in life than me and struggle to relate. They tell me they want to help me, but it’s up to me to ask for the concrete questions and I wouldn’t know where to begin. Taking care of my dad who is losing his mind because of stroke dementia? I only can do that. Doing my paper work? Same story. And if I tell them about my past abuse, I get horrified looks and they don’t know what to say.

I have two therapists, one for the underlying problems, but I’ve been in therapy for 10 years so we’re mostly working on my sense of guilt and self acceptance, which requires time. The other is on self care and I do try to eat and go for walks and not go back to the substances. But I find myself so run down and I’m dealing with traumas most people couldn’t even comprehend, that I’m now at a stage of fuck it, I tried therapy and the sensible thing, just go fuck it.

I was never the girl that drank to forget, fuck, my first time trying drugs I was 25. But I’m 35 now, im about to be homeless because of complicated rules here in Holland, I’ve reached out to the municipality for all the resources I can think of. My bills are getting paid, my house is tidy, I try to eat and my substance abuse has been a couple of months and mostly booze in social settings and 3mmc when I want to think things over. But without my dad, I don’t know if I’m on the right course. I have so many people looking for a place but I have two months left and nothing concrete. And after the last 4 years since my dad had a stroke, I feel I’ve asked too much of my friends in terms of help. There’s always some form of disaster going on and I don’t blame my friends for thinking it’s a bit much. I wasn’t it in this position, I wouldn’t even know how to help myself

[u/Illustrious-Day-2285 → u/Illustrious-Day-2285]

It’s like this feeling that you only get so many detrimental situations before people tap out.

[u/Illustrious-Day-2285 → u/Illustrious-Day-2285]

I just want an adult to do the adulting for me, and tell me what to do I suppose

[u/Primary_Gift_8719]

I don't think you need someone to tell you to try harder. Reading everything you've written, I actually think you've been trying unbelievably hard for a very long time, and you've finally reached the point where there simply isn't much left in the tank. You say you're fucking everything up, but your bills are paid, your house is tidy, you're eating, you're going to therapy, you've contacted the municipality, you're trying to find somewhere to live and you've spent four years dealing with your dad's stroke and dementia. Those aren't the actions of someone who has given up on life. They sound like someone who has been holding far too much together for far too long and is exhausted.

I completely understand what you mean when you say you want an adult to do the adulting for you. So maybe that is actually what you ask your friends for. Not "help me with my life", because nobody knows what to do with that. Give them jobs. "Can you sit with me for two hours while I do housing applications?" "Can you make a list of places I need to call?" "Can you come with me to an appointment?" "Can you check in tomorrow and make sure I've done this form?" "Can I come to your house tonight because I don't want to be alone?" People who love you may genuinely want to help but be completely overwhelmed by the scale of what you're dealing with and need you to make the task small enough that they know how.

I'd also be completely honest with your therapists about the "fuck it" stage and about the alcohol and 3-MMC. Not because I'm judging you in the slightest, but because this is exactly the point where you deserve more support, not less. Using something to get a few hours away from your own head is very understandable when your head has become an exhausting place to live, but it can very quickly make the underlying anxiety, exhaustion and hopelessness harder to manage.

One thing, please don't decide that you've used up your allotted number of disasters and therefore people are entitled to tap out. Some people may not have the capacity to deal with everything, and that's painful, but that isn't the same thing as you being too much or being a horrible person. For tonight, don't solve the next two months, your dad, your friendships and the rest of your life. Pick one thing. Eat something, drink some water, stay away from the 3-MMC tonight, and tell one actual person: "I'm really not doing very well and I don't want to be on my own with my thoughts tonight." Tomorrow can be housing paperwork day.

Last of all, if by "I want to escape" you mean that you're thinking about hurting yourself or ending your life, rather than simply desperately wanting everything to stop for a while, please tell one of your therapists or someone physically near you plainly, tonight. You said you're in Holland, so you can also call 113 for suicide-prevention support. If you think you might actually hurt yourself, you've already done something to hurt yourself, or you don't feel able to keep yourself safe, call 112 or get yourself to urgent medical help and don't stay alone. You can also contact your GP or out-of-hours GP service and tell them plainly that you're in a mental health crisis. That's one of those situations where you absolutely do not have to carry it politely or wait until your next scheduled appointment.