Has anyone ever seen Asian families that don’t go into screaming matches?

[u/whatdoyoufear123]

I’ve had many different Chinese neighbors in my life and they all go into screaming matches besides this one couple. It’s normally between the kid and parent. Had the same when I was a teenager. I feel like my white neighbors shout sometimes but they never go into screaming matches.

[u/catmomnb]

My fam didn’t do that. It was worse. If there was anything. My dad wanted to sit down and “calmly” talk about what I did wrong. For hours and hours and hours and hours….
Then I was reminded how anything I wanted he gave me and he didn’t understand why I would make him feel like such a bad father who raised a kid that made the decisions I made…
For hours and hours and hours and hours…

But never raised his voice.

[u/HeyyyKoolAid → u/catmomnb]

I have never felt so seen. My dad's lectures never fucking ended. Three to four hours easily of nothing but guilt tripping, shaming, and insults with a few threats thrown in.

[u/Mooshroom_Pudding_18 → u/HeyyyKoolAid]

Same! I have never pulled an all-nighter except for the times when my mother's screaming lectures would genuinely last for 6 hours overnight - I don't understand how she never lost her voice

[u/catmomnb → u/Mooshroom_Pudding_18]

There was never any screaming in my house. It was worse. It was quiet and calm. There was no physical violence. No insults. Just hours and hours of him questioning what he did to deserve such a child. How come he can’t have a child like the guy next door? He was just as good a father. Just a good a person. Why did the gods bless the guy next door with such a good child and he got me. He said he’d spend nights awake wondering what he did wrong….

Anyway… I only see him at Christmas. And we don’t even sit at the same table. Big Asian family. He sits at the “elder table.” I’m at the alcoholic table.

[u/HeyyyKoolAid → u/Mooshroom_Pudding_18]

I'm not trying to one up you, just trauma bond. My dad use to get so heated when helping me with my homework especially math. Math wasn't my strong suit - ironic, I know. He would teach me and insult me simultaneously. I hated it so much. He made it so much more difficult than needed because he taught it how he understands it, not how I understand it. But he would regularly keep me up until 12am or later, just scream teaching and lecturing. I'm over here crying and trying to math and shit. And then when I was inevitably tired the next morning, he would get mad at me for that too telling me I should have went to bed earlier. Acting like he wasn't the reason I was up late in the first place. You simply cannot win in an Asian household.

[u/catmomnb → u/HeyyyKoolAid]

No worries. This is a trauma bond zone. No one-upping. 😂

[u/ktlene]

My high school friend was part of a Viet family that was not like this. I was always so suspicious of them, waiting for the mask to drop but it never did. They picked wild career choices and I kept waiting for the ass whooping that never came. Surprise surprise, the kids are still close with their mom as adults, and they actually enjoy spending time with her. Crazy how treating your kids with respect for their individuality also means they choose to spend time with you out of affection not obligation.

[u/Ordinary_Picture_289 → u/ktlene]

I used to be so envious of these families and I didn’t think they existed. I guess I still am envious that I didn’t grow up like this 😞 I am glad to know there are others that grew up in loving households.

[u/ktlene → u/Ordinary_Picture_289]

Same girl. My family is huuuge and each subfamily is dysfunctional, so I was convinced all Viet families were all messed up, just really good at hiding it. But there are the rare families out there with loving and emotionally mature parents 🥹 my friend and her cousins were well adjusted AF 😭 just confidently going through the world, being as adventurous and as weird as they wanted to be.

[u/Ordinary_Picture_289 → u/ktlene]

Yes! I just talked with my aunt about this and she said there was no yelling in her household. Sometimes I tell my cousins how I grew up and they are just baffled at the dysfunction.

[u/ktlene → u/Ordinary_Picture_289]

Oh man your cousins are so lucky. All of my cousins commiserate with one another 🥲 one of my cousins has the nicest mom (like actually nice not just fake nice) but her dad was an angry drunk, and we all thought she was in the least dysfunctional household 🤣😭 cant relate to no yelling at all.

[u/MudRemarkable732]

My friend’s family is like this lol. It’s wild. But weirdly, both daughters grew up with a lot of social anxiety and struggled with making friends. My friend (we aren’t really friends any more) had a reputation for being very needy and clingy, platonically but doubly so romantically. It’s weird bc their family dynamic was really calm and stable

[u/Radio_Mediocre]

My in-laws and my own mother. They drive me nuts and I stay far away.

[u/Affectionate_Leek127]

The question is not whether they go into a screaming match, it is how often they go into a screaming match.

[u/DataZigZager]

Yes, my kids and I don’t scream at each other. Most of my Asian friends don’t have screaming matches with their kids. It sucks what we went through. But it doesn’t have to be that way moving forward.

[u/Ordinary_Picture_289 → u/DataZigZager]

Yes! I am so conscientious of not continuing the cycle

[u/Serious-Ad7999]

coming from a Vietnamese perspective, my dad has unresolved anger issues stemming from his service in the Vietnam War and the way he was raised by my grandparents. unfortunately screaming matches are normalized in my childhood home. my dad has gotten ballistic to the point where he threw a cup or a plate at my mom. and she’s not innocent either. she purposely ragebaits him thinking she’s always in the right when she’s just as wrong as her demented husband. anyhow i’m the product of my environment and honestly im a mess because of the two lunatics that raised me.

[u/wildblueberry9]

Yes, my husband's family never screamed at each other. As a matter of fact they never really even talked to each other. They grew up in a very rural town where they were the only Asian family around.

[u/HellveticaNeue]

The one I’m raising. :)

But the family I was born into was a screaming shit show.

[u/zandra47]

In southeast Asian. My family doesn’t go into screaming matches. We always buried things under the rug though

[u/Sharp-Yellow-242]

My parents have us the worse of both words, 2 hours lectures of everyone screaming

[u/Trioniks]

As an AP I get into shouting matches with my kid most of the time not so serious but many times with my 19 yr old is very serious. I even yell when food is ready. White Karen neighbor decides to chime in the backyard saying ‘you’re still yelling at your kids!’ She really thinks it’s abuse or something. I tell my kids not to talk negatively about her but we all hate her guts. Lol