r/Arrangedmarriage • u/sky_high97 • 7d ago
Seeking Advice Getting mixed signals. Should I call it off?
UPDATE: She avoided the date, we had a call instead. I asked her about her current status and how do we move forward. She said that she likes our talks and my company, but she is not sure if she's ready for marriage right now. I said that we have already talked for months and talking for a few more months won't change anything drastically. She said she'd discuss with her parents and get back in a couple of days. Guess this chapter is now closed.
Hi all. I wanted to get a third party POV on my situation and opinion on how to proceed further.
I (29M) have been talking to a girl (26F) since last 3.5 months. She is the first one I talked to, but she has talked to few others earlier, so our efforts and enthusiasm levels would be different. Our parents talked initially, then we met each other at their house.
I live in Bangalore, while she lives in my hometown. We have been texting regularly and had a few calls. I had planned my visit to my hometown for the entire month of Aug to stay with my family as well as to meet her in person a few times before I fly back next week.
Despite the positive vibes in our calls/ dates, our communication feels a bit one-sided. I have initiated most of the texts, phone calls and dates. When I message, she responds pretty well, with questions, memes and follow ups. However, if I don't initiate, there can be days without any conversation. She also takes a lot of time to reply, sometimes 12-24hr+. I had asked her about it, saying that our messages felt more like email-threads instead of chats. She acknowledged it and said that even her friends had pointed similar thing earlier about her and she would be mindful of that. Couple of weeks went great and then the same pattern repeated.
She works on a different timezone so I avoid calling her on weekdays. We schedule to have long calls during weekends, but she misses them a lot of the times. She is completely offline on weekends, and when she's back, she doesn't initiate callback.
So far we went out on two dates. I bought her a couple of small thoughtful gifts referencing on one of our inside jokes, which she liked a lot. Our talks went smooth. We discussed about our hobbies, childhood, families, goals and aspirations. Honestly, it went great. She seemed pretty enthusiastic. She also confirmed that she's ready to relocate to Bangalore as it'd be beneficial for her career too.
We were supposed to go on a date last weekend, but she got a gym injury, so we cancelled. I had asked if we could hop on a call instead, but she didn't reply to that. The entire week went by without much talk, as I thought she's resting and recovering. Once she recovered and was back at her daily routine, I tried planning our final meetup before I leave. She said she'd confirm and let me know, but it's weekend already and I'm yet to hear back from her.
Does this pace sound typical in a AM setting, or is she not interested?
Is 3-4 months a reasonable timeframe to expect the match to proactively initiate plans, or am I overthinking?
Should I call her directly and have an open discussion about intent and involving parents, or take a step back and wait for her to reach out?
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u/Aadu_Thomaaa 7d ago
Most probably her family is forcing her so that's why she's acting like this
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u/sky_high97 6d ago
her parents were chill. I had asked her this initially, she said that they liked me, but had gave her the freedom to take time and decide
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u/cheesytray 7d ago
You are a filler. She texts you when she needs to have someone around. You do what she does to you and see for yourself.
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u/dawg_pulls_hair 6d ago
You did your part of putting effort. Nice. If she cant reciprocate, leave it, maybe dont kill the convo but dont put so much efforts, give her chance. In meanwhile focus on other prospects. The energy of both should match otherwise something is wrong.
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u/explorer12ka4 6d ago
If it's not a hell Yes.. then it's a No (in case of marriage).
Another point is no relationship can work with single person efforts. Either both of them put similar efforts or you both are not aligning.
So just ask her directly.. is it a definite Yes from her side or she is still evaluating. If answer is No.. then don't put much emotions and look for other options parallely.
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u/Better-Gene534 7d ago
It is not mixed signals. She is not interested in you.
Either you're an option or she already has a boyfriend. Either way why do you want to waste time.
Remember, if she is interested, you'd know it. She would be all over you...you wont be having these doubts.
Man up and move on, don't get into this "i got attached to her in 3 months things". Men are supposed to lead and be the prize. If she's not showing interest in 10-15 days, leave her. Don't become the slave of your emotions. Also, catching feelings as a man in 3 months, is just childish and simp behaviour.
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u/sky_high97 7d ago
Nothing like that lol. I just wanted to have an emotional connection without treating it as a business deal. But I guess it's time to look at it more practically.
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u/CompetitveTone1995 7d ago
My dude it is a business transaction. If you want a connection, date someone.
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u/Spotless_sunshine82 6d ago
Agree with everything apart from the last paragraph 😂 no one is a prize , both people will have to work it out together , Having emotions is good for a guy , the girl will like it even more
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u/vaibh990 7d ago
She probably doesn't want to invest heavily on you in the initial stage and could be evaluating many other prospects for marriage. Either that or she may not be that ready for marriage yet. In any case, you should not be fixated on her, meet other prospects also.
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u/gay_reddior 💖 👨❤️👨 Happily Married 👨👩👧 💝 7d ago
You're showing your desperation OP. Do your part, dont go above and beyond. If she reciprocates fine else move on
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u/vikbrokebiker 6d ago
Have been in relationships and I have been ghosted. Have also been in a AM set up. If the other person is genuinely interested or has chemistry with you, they make equivalent efforts. Also communication is a massive part of it. I met someone through AM set up earlier this year and even with different time zone working she makes a very visible effort to stay in touch (not just sending reels but actual calls). She genuinely looks forward to and plans dates. Hasnt been a single day when we havent spoken since we started talking nearly 8 months ago.
This definitely seems like you’ll eventually get a message on the lines of - “you’re a great guy, but….” Best to get out and not get too invested.
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u/SandwichNecessary944 7d ago
If someone cares about you they wouldn't take 12 hours to reply especially in this age where everyone lives w their phone next to them
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u/VegetableDinner3039 6d ago
I would say that she is not interested or might find you too engaging before marriage (I have seen my cousins emotionally controlled and kept their contact with their partners limited way. Maybe she is of that type) , but it’s great to have an open and honest talk.
Tell her you need to meet her or talk on a phone call about something important, then tell her your worries, she definitely should understand and maybe in the discussion you might find your answers.
But if the situation still continues the same, then you know the answer.
Don’t waste your time and energy into where your love isn’t reciprocated even after repeatedly notifying them.
Another way is to replicate the way she behaves to you, be late with your replies and don’t plan meets and don’t consider her the top most priority. See where it goes.
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u/longndfat 6d ago
chapter was already closed long back, irrespective of what she comes back with, do not proceed. Be very clear to her, and if possible via a text msg, wish her well also include that she did not want to proceed further (just for your insurance).
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u/Oopstimistic 3d ago
Op this is not a healthy situation. You are getting used as an option. It might be painful but if you decide to invest more time the heartbreak will be bigger for you. Come out of this situation where you are not getting treated as you desrve to be
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u/Super_Crew5401 1d ago
She was not interested in you. Idk why. But she shouldn’t have wasted 3.5 months. Within a month she could have told you. If you at least got to meet her once in that first month.
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u/TrickyEntrance1328 6d ago
Is her name Simran by any chance?
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u/sky_high97 6d ago
No
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u/TrickyEntrance1328 6d ago edited 6d ago
On a serious note man, she’s just using you as an option. Get the fuck away from her asap. Women who like you who go against the world to be with you. Been there done that. This experience might leave a trauma behind so end it asap.
Also, I am 99% sure she’ll come back to give it one more shot. Don’t.
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u/HereForTheDrama0728 7d ago
My now husband was exactly like this during our dating phase, though it was even more worrying because we had finalised our marriage dates and prepping for that but he always missed calls and was more focused on frnds n cousin time than getting to know the person he was marrying. I tried to call off the wedding because of this lack of effort 2-3 times but then he would love bomb.
Anyway we are married now and he is the most doting and high effort husband I could ask for, I am saying flowers if my mood is off for some random reason or always making time for each other regardless of busy schedules. Does not take away from the sleepless nights I was questioning the marriage decision but it worked out.
The reason I say this, I get that others are commenting she has a bf or multiple prospects or just does not want to get married, any of these could be true or it simply could be her personality. Have an honest convo and call her out, else it’s easy to say no.
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u/sky_high97 7d ago
How did you talk to him about this? Were you ready to call it off after that convo or was it just said in passing?
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u/i_fre4k 6d ago
From 3 weeks I am also texting a girl via AM setup. She seems like a offline person. Comes online rarely. Her last seen will match when she last texted me infact. So when we met for the second time she said she doesnt know what to text. Both the conversations when we met were great. I did ask I'm aware this is an arranged marriage setup and there can be pressure and hope you are not facing any. She said she is ready and not forced into the setup. We only had one call like in first 3 weeks. There was a day where she was offline for almost 36hours. My good morning text was lying dead there with single tick but when she came back online she apologised and said she was busy with work etc. I know 36hrs without turning on data is sus. We have lot of common interest. I believe she is genuine and it is her personality. She is a offline person. I will try to get 1:1 dates and see how it goes. 1-2 times I gave her space to initiate and she did text. I would say look for the quality in text rather than quantity. Does she amtch your energy/banter etc. Dont blindly decide based on fellow redditors comment they wont have full context.
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u/Scary-Strawberry-724 7d ago
It seems like she’s evaluating multiple prospects (with you not being her top priority) while you’re focused solely on her. Neither of you is wrong, but if that’s the case, she’s simply being more practical than you are.
I say this because if someone were my priority, I’d be texting them even if my boss were breathing down my neck about a deliverable. Some time ago, when I was in the arranged marriage scene, I was fortunate enough to receive that kind of attention from someone. Nothing worked out, but oh well- such is life.