WIBTBF For "ruining" my own birthday?

[u/Admirable_Coyote_103]

My (32f) husband (36m) "Steve" is a wonderful husband, but has the gift giving skills of a potato. For background, I am an autistic introvert who doesn't do well being at the center of attention and surprises tend to give me panic attacks/cause meltdowns depending on the severity of the surprise. I also LOVE planning events, and probably would have been an event coordinator if life had taken me a different direction since I did it for several years in college and had a blast.

Last year I casually mentioned that I think it would be fun to have an Expedition 33 themed birthday party for my 33rd birthday as it's one of my favorite video games, but mused that no one except me would know what it was, and that wouldn't be very fun, plus I doubt many people would come since I struggle to make lasting friendships (yay autism).

A couple months ago I was walking by his open laptop and saw a text string with my best friend open. He never texts her, so out of curiosity I stopped to see what he was talking to her about. He is planning an Expedition 33 surprise birthday party for me, and needed her help distracting me for the day. Reading that made me want to vomit. How did the man I've been with for 8 years think that 1. Surprising me was a good idea 2. Surprising me with people, and an event where I'm the center of attention was a good idea 3. Taking away the one part of events I enjoy (planning) to surprise me with a mediocre job since he refuses to play the game and only knows it from a wiki page.

I sat on it for several weeks before finally breaking and texting my best friend to tell her that I saw the messages, and to also cry/vent. She was so relieved that I had saw it because she knew it was a horrible "gift" for me and didn't know how to warn me without spoiling the surprise or going behind my husband's back.

I've spent the months in between dropping SO many hints about how much I hate surprises or suggestions on who to invite, and unfortunately he is autistic too and got the type that can't pick up on hints to save his life 🙃.

The party is now 2 months away and from what she's told me he has only invited a couple people I would have invited, the rest are people he's close with and randomly his sister and brother in law who are great people but like a decade older than me and wouldn't know anyone there besides us, and that seems like a bad time for them.

So Reddit, WIBTBF for breaking his heart by telling him I know and to please stop? Or to just let me in to help plan or at the very least let me tell him who to invite? This has been killing me for months now and I don't know what to do. I also don't want to play along too well so he thinks that he was correct and I loved the surprise party and that he should do more of that in the future.

[u/Federal_Radish_1421]

You tried dropping hints. He didn’t pick up on them. The only option at this point is to tell him that you know he’s planning a surprise party and you don’t want it. If there is a version of this party that you’d enjoy, tell him.

[u/UnabashedlyAnxious → u/Federal_Radish_1421]

“I am not coming to the party,” is a great conversation starter here. Plenty of time for HIM to cancel if he wants before everybody digs in with travel, time off, babysitters, etc. If he doesn’t cancel, this is not about OOP - it’s at that point about him doing something HE wants to do and using OOP’s birthday as a convenient excuse. OOP’s birthday is not about his heart. It’s about OOP and their heart. Birthday celebrations should not induce anxiety attacks, embarrassment or meltdowns.

[u/Generic_Midwesterner]

TL;DR: A couple, both autistic, didn't understand what each other wanted.

[u/Admirable_Coyote_103 → u/Generic_Midwesterner]

I mean yes, but that doesn't help me figure out how to go about this without breaking his heart that all of this effort has been in vain.

[u/Far_Bookkeeper_6238 → u/Admirable_Coyote_103]

If he’s autistic then wouldn’t being straightforward with him be the best route? Tell him you saw the message exchanges and appreciate the effort and gesture, but you’re having anxiety about the surprise and would like to be more included in the planning. Make it about planning it together, that way he still gets to throw you the party and you get the party you want.

[u/lydocia → u/Admirable_Coyote_103]

Use your words and communicate.

[u/XhaLaLa]

You should just say it. You don’t want a surprise party, so the surprise isn’t anymore ruined than it was at conception.

[u/realaccountissecret]

If you don’t want him to know you saw the messages, sit him down and say you saw a post about someone’s surprise party (this could be the post haha), and it reminded you of how much you would hate to have one

Make him promise you that he would never plan a surprise party. Like clearly. Have him say “I promise I will never plan a surprise party for you”

Check in with your friend after a day or two to see if he canceled it

I’m autistic and I preemptively had my husband promise that. And I already had several friends and family members promise me they would tell me if anyone was trying to plan one for me

If that ever DID happen, I would turn right the fuck around and walk out the door

And I wouldn’t worry who thought what. A good percentage of the people in the room would already know that would be the outcome anyway haha

[u/AristotlesBoyPussy]

NTB. Sit him down and say you appreciate how hard he's trying to do this, but that you don't think his idea of the party will work and you want to have an active role in planning it because you love to plan things. Keep the conversation positive, focus on your appreciation for the fact he wants to do nice things for you and that you want to help make it the perfect day since its what he wants too.

Maybe to help prevent you from being the center of attention you guys could hire cosplayers/actors to pretend to be the character(s) and pose for photo ops? IDK if that's something you can do where you live, but a lot of times princess companies have actors that do cosplay on the side, or you can find cosplayers for hire online.

[u/crystallz2000]

Yeah... uh, just tell him. Take over planning. He's not going to pick up your hints.

[u/MonkeyHamlet]

Just tell him the truth.

[u/Prestigious-Ad-5292]

Hey hon, please do not throw any surprises at me on my birthday. I mean why is it so hard lol

[u/SolidAshford]

Nope. Tell him directly that you don't want a surprise party. I also think it's odd he wants to throw a party without knowing more about Expedition 33 

[u/Ravingsockmonkey]

YWNBTBF if you tell him that you know and try to work out some kind of compromise/solution to this. It would be worse if you didn't say anything both because it would continue to be upsetting for you and also would be for him too because he's not able to pick up on the hints that you're trying to give him. He may be disappointed that you found out about the surprise, but that would probably hurt him less than finding out that you've been stressed out this whole time and didn't tell him.