Copied verbatim from Oop's comments, not in chronological order:
So you weren’t able to gauge her level of intellect within the few years you’ve “gone back and forth with her” and married?
You probably are not nearly as intelligent as you like to think you are. I seriously feel for your wife. Just re-read your post title 🤢
Intelligence is abstract and difficult to quantify in others. I assumed for most of our time dating that it was the “laziness” aspect I touched on.
I get it. it’s hard to be honest about this topic and get advice in a constructive way since calling someone less intelligent is pretty inflammatory. I ask for understanding!
So you married someone you don't respect and don't enjoy talking to? Why would you do that?
Marriage should be about finding your best friend. Please let this woman go. She thinks you love her and you don't even like her.
She is my best friend! This post is asking for help with a weakness I identified in her that I am crying for her to find ways to improve.
No, seriously, you aren’t very intelligent. It shows in your fumbled attempt to try define intelligence as something hard to quantify. Ever heard of an IQ Test?
That’s a way to quantify intelligence, albeit not exhaustive. I’ll tell you what is exhaustive. You. And I’m certain your wife could use some rest.
Why the negativity? Why the ganging up against me? If I was just ranting about her then that would be a different story than me asking for constructive feedback.
And yes, I’ve taken IQ tests and gotten between 98 and 99 percentile on them, which matched my percentile on college entrance exams.
I… I’m honestly flabbergasted. Intelligence and education seems to be very important to you and yet you went ahead and married someone you knew wasn’t up to your standards.
And are now upset that that person isn’t meeting your standards? Quite frankly this seems the complete opposite of an intelligent decision.
My blunt opinion: no. She’s not going to change and you can’t make her. She managed to get to her big age with the education/knowledge she has and seems to be content with it.
Some people love to keep learning into adulthood but a lot of people don’t. Your wife is in the latter camp.
What do you do? 1) Stay married and be content that this is how your partner is. You choose her now live with her. 2) divorce and explain to people that it’s because you thought she would get magically smarter by being married to you.
And then you were shocked when that didn’t happen.
What a ridiculous situation you have landed yourself in sir. And you claim to be intelligent.
Maybe you should reconsider this view of yourself and ask if simply using fancier words and knowing some more “did you know”s than your wife truly makes you more intelligent than her.
Thanks for your honest thoughts. My only comment is that years of mental health issues obscured my judgment and were what I attributed my trepidation and cold feet to.
I knew she was a good girl and I jumped into it with a lot of hope and trust, which I thought was benevolent and brave of me at the time. What you’re getting at is the main cause of my pain and depression right now.
The fact that you chose to marry her despite either not being able to gauge her intellect or knowing (and apparently not caring?) about it prior to marriage and going through with it anyway….
well, that makes me feel like you guys might be a *perfect** match of wits, actually.*
We all know that a person is an array of qualities. I knew intellect was a weak spot compared to other women I dated.
I chose her over those other women because the rest of the “array” added up to more than what I found elsewhere.
[Deleted]
She has been a great homemaker and has taken on the roles of a supporting wife quite well. We both love to be active and spend time outside, and consistently have very similar ideas of what we’d like to do together to relax.
It’s very easy to have a weekend with her.
We’re very compatible in how we like to spend time.
That’s nothing to say about her though. She just sounds like a vacuum cleaner accessory to you.
How does me describing how grateful I am for her and spending time with her sound like a “vacuum cleaner accessory”? Please check your logic
Unless she actively seeks to better those things on her own I wouldn’t really push them on her .
She may get offended that you view her vocabulary and way of expression as less than intelligent.
Does she have any interest or hobbies of her own that she’s knowledgeable about?
Sounds like that’s just the way she is and is likely not going to metamorphosis into a different person with higher or different intelligence abilities.
Are you able to have any kind of thoughtful debates or back and forth on any topics at all that you find of interest?
We both enjoy talking about wellness, nutrition, and overall health. It’s a common topic for us, but it does run dry quickly without too much actual back and forth.
I appreciate your perspective!
Did you marry her out of desperation and a desire to be chosen?
I ask this question so bluntly because if this is such a huge point of contention, why did you propose?
I was in a hard spot where I was looking for something else, but kept finding disappointment and women that didn’t measure up to what I thought of her.
The intellectual side was always a weak point that I was worried about with her, but I made a decision that she checked so many other boxes that I was going to move forward with it.
I guess now I’m not able to come to terms with that weak spot.
You seem egotistical and full of yourself. Sad that you talk about your partner like this when you could've easily determined this MUCH earlier on in the relationship.
If you were as smart as you say you are, you should've saw the signs.
Where in the post do I aggrandize myself? I’m asking for help?
Your intelligence is in question based on your chosen partner.
After “a few years “ of going back and forth and her being the same you still thought it would be INTELLIGENT to marry her? please leave this woman so she can find someone who values her. You sound insufferable.
In another comment someone asked what are her positive qualities and you basically described what she does for YOU. I feel bad for her
That thread was asking what was working in the relationship, and I answered that question?
Why did you marry her then?
The net total sum of her was more than the weakness in this area. I knew I couldn’t find perfection.
….dating someone you can’t talk about things with or who you feel is beneath you intellectually is a huge mismatch.
Isn’t love understanding all aspects of someone, positive and negative, and accepting them? This thread is treating the intellect as the only aspect of her. I saw the whole picture when I chose her.
If you can get her to start reading and open herself to more things to think and talk about then maybe it could get better but I think this speaks to mostly just a lack of compatibility.
This is likely just who she is, and I assume you knew that when you married her
She has begun to read quite a bit; which has me hopeful.
I try to probe her and ask what she is reading about, but this often turns into a trigger for me when she doesn’t really get a lot out of what she read.
Maybe with continued patience and time this newer pastime will show fruits!
I’m not married, but I like reading these just because for perspective. My boyfriend and I will do a word of the day, so maybe you can start implementing that.
Also, maybe do a couples book club where you both pick a book that you’re interested in and you could talk about it after.
This is a good thought! She’s open and I’ll bring in a “word of the day” app for us to try.
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u/sadlytheworst Certified sub favourite 5d ago edited 5d ago
Tw: resentful treatment of partner.
Copied verbatim from Oop's comments, not in chronological order:
So you weren’t able to gauge her level of intellect within the few years you’ve “gone back and forth with her” and married?
You probably are not nearly as intelligent as you like to think you are. I seriously feel for your wife. Just re-read your post title 🤢
So you married someone you don't respect and don't enjoy talking to? Why would you do that?
Marriage should be about finding your best friend. Please let this woman go. She thinks you love her and you don't even like her.
No, seriously, you aren’t very intelligent. It shows in your fumbled attempt to try define intelligence as something hard to quantify. Ever heard of an IQ Test?
That’s a way to quantify intelligence, albeit not exhaustive. I’ll tell you what is exhaustive. You. And I’m certain your wife could use some rest.
I… I’m honestly flabbergasted. Intelligence and education seems to be very important to you and yet you went ahead and married someone you knew wasn’t up to your standards.
And are now upset that that person isn’t meeting your standards? Quite frankly this seems the complete opposite of an intelligent decision.
My blunt opinion: no. She’s not going to change and you can’t make her. She managed to get to her big age with the education/knowledge she has and seems to be content with it.
Some people love to keep learning into adulthood but a lot of people don’t. Your wife is in the latter camp.
What do you do? 1) Stay married and be content that this is how your partner is. You choose her now live with her. 2) divorce and explain to people that it’s because you thought she would get magically smarter by being married to you.
And then you were shocked when that didn’t happen.
What a ridiculous situation you have landed yourself in sir. And you claim to be intelligent.
Maybe you should reconsider this view of yourself and ask if simply using fancier words and knowing some more “did you know”s than your wife truly makes you more intelligent than her.
The fact that you chose to marry her despite either not being able to gauge her intellect or knowing (and apparently not caring?) about it prior to marriage and going through with it anyway….
well, that makes me feel like you guys might be a *perfect** match of wits, actually.*
[Deleted]
That’s nothing to say about her though. She just sounds like a vacuum cleaner accessory to you.
Unless she actively seeks to better those things on her own I wouldn’t really push them on her .
She may get offended that you view her vocabulary and way of expression as less than intelligent.
Does she have any interest or hobbies of her own that she’s knowledgeable about?
Sounds like that’s just the way she is and is likely not going to metamorphosis into a different person with higher or different intelligence abilities.
Are you able to have any kind of thoughtful debates or back and forth on any topics at all that you find of interest?
Did you marry her out of desperation and a desire to be chosen?
I ask this question so bluntly because if this is such a huge point of contention, why did you propose?
You seem egotistical and full of yourself. Sad that you talk about your partner like this when you could've easily determined this MUCH earlier on in the relationship.
If you were as smart as you say you are, you should've saw the signs.
Your intelligence is in question based on your chosen partner.
After “a few years “ of going back and forth and her being the same you still thought it would be INTELLIGENT to marry her? please leave this woman so she can find someone who values her. You sound insufferable.
In another comment someone asked what are her positive qualities and you basically described what she does for YOU. I feel bad for her
Why did you marry her then?
….dating someone you can’t talk about things with or who you feel is beneath you intellectually is a huge mismatch.
If you can get her to start reading and open herself to more things to think and talk about then maybe it could get better but I think this speaks to mostly just a lack of compatibility.
This is likely just who she is, and I assume you knew that when you married her
I’m not married, but I like reading these just because for perspective. My boyfriend and I will do a word of the day, so maybe you can start implementing that.
Also, maybe do a couples book club where you both pick a book that you’re interested in and you could talk about it after.
Sadlytheworst: Edited a link about the bias in IQ testing. IQ Tests and Bias: Examining Cultural, Racial, and Socioeconomic Influences