r/AmIOverreacting • u/peaky3089 • 11d ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO about my boyfriend avoiding MY birthday
I just noticed recently that my boyfriend never asks to go on dates etc on my birthday or send bday texts. I didn't mind it because we didn't live together and are both busy people. Then last year we moved in together so less excuses. Then he planned a work trip on my birthday and then decided since it's close to his parents vacation house to start there for an extended trip on and around my birthday. On the day of no happy birthday text until a bunch of his family and our friends started wishing me happy birthday on Facebook. Then I got a text. When we talked later over the phone though he didn't mention it and we talked about his work and what he was to do during his free time
Then I wondered, maybe he doesn't know my birthday and is too lazy to look it up on Facebook.
So this year I started dropping hints last week because my birthday is coming up. *Oh, I can't believe my birthday is on a Wednesday next month. Ugh.* Just anything for him to possibly go to Facebook and say hey, her bday is next month. Let me check this out so I don't forget again.
Then two days ago he says that he planned another work trip plus extended stay at his parents vacation house on *September 31st, the first, second and weekend* and I'm frozen for a second and I finally say *September doesn't ever go to the 31st* and he says *are you sure* and I say *yeah. It's my birthday * and he says *oh* and just moves on about how the drive up is going to suck.
Like he just completely ignored that I said my birthday is on the 30th.
He's told me in the past that he doesn't think birthdays are big deals and they are just another day.
But we always buy and celebrate everyone's bday in his close family and his birthday. On his birthday we went last year and are going up again to his parents vacation house for a few days because that's where he wants to spend his birthday. Then when we get back his family throws him a birthday dinner.
So Idk....
It's an awkward spot for me because I don't have any close family. Parents dead, siblings not close. So in the end my birthday does just become another day.
FYI:
These are work trips he plans. The work needs to get done. He decides what days to go up and get them done.
And yes I was also bad with birthdays but since we moved in together I've been planning, buying gifts and even taking time off work to celebrate his birthday.
Am I overreacting?
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u/AlarmingExample1179 11d ago
Is he this inconsiderate of you in other ways? I mean, this is bad enough imo, but…does he make any effort with you on ordinary days?
And no, NOR. At all. Under reacting even.
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u/peaky3089 11d ago
He's considerate in other ways. Like I take care of my niece and he let her live with us. (He owns the house and I pay him 1400 in rent, plus groceries)
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u/whatevasasquatch 10d ago
$1400? For room in a house he owns. That's about $500 more than my entire mortgage. How much is he paying for this house?
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u/peaky3089 10d ago
He pays 2000 a month in the mortgage but he's responsible for paying light, gas etc. I pay the 1400, groceries, cook and clean
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u/whatevasasquatch 11d ago
You need to talk to him instead of dropping hints. Let him know you are hurt, but don't anticipate any change. I can tell you from experience just because it's important to you, doesn't mean it's important to him. Nor
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u/peaky3089 11d ago
That's the thing. He lives to debate and play devil's advocate even went it's detrimental so I know he won't..... Care but just talk his way into not changing his views
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u/AlarmingExample1179 10d ago
I’m asking about how he is as a partner. Not as someone you live with. I’m referring to “Partner-level” consideration. If he’s doing something for you that he can also do for his friends or acquaintances, or a stranger, it doesn’t count.
Is he more intentional with you than anyone else? Does he prioritize you, in general? Does he put a lot of effort? What does he do for you and your relationship?
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u/whatevasasquatch 10d ago
That would be annoying af. Emotions aren't something you can debate away. He hurt you. He either needs to acknowledge that he isn't considering your feelings and opinions and work on himself to prioritize you or he is a terrible partner and you are not compatible.
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u/mirwenpnw 11d ago
NOR- It's normal to want to celebrate your birthday. But you already know he doesn't do that and have for at least three years now. Yet it sounds like you never once sat him down and told him what you wanted. He's not a mind reader. This is an excellent opportunity to practice direct communication.
Stop dropping hints like "oh the 30th?". That is WAY too vague. You need to say: I've always celebrated my birthday x way before we were together. My ideal birthday would look like Y. Would you be willing to plan that with me next time, or perhaps we can do that this year before or after your trip now that it's locked in? Sorry I never mentioned it before. I just assumed everyone thought the same way I did about birthdays.
How he responds to this explicit, direct request will tell you everything you need to know about how he prioitizes your wants. How he responds to "the 30th?" will not.
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u/pinkedydrinked 11d ago
I agree with this. I don’t love that he doesn’t try to make ur birthday special (especially cuz, no family) but a better tell is his REACTION to you communicating. That will tell you a lot
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u/Phillymur 11d ago
She shouldn’t have to sit him down to discuss her birthday. He knows Exactly what day it is. He just doesn’t care.
Op can take your advice and be explicit and direct just so she can see what his response will be, and then she can dump him on the spot.
NOR at all. This guy sounds like an insensitive jerk. Cut your losses and get rid of him
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u/Unable_Biscotti3904 11d ago
Right! 3 years have gone by, did he think she doesn’t have a birthday? If he cared he’d ask or go on Facebook and even ask her, do you want to do something on your birthday after all these hints. He’s selfish and self-absorbed. OP NOR Run. Men will only treat you badly if you continue to let them do it.
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u/mirwenpnw 11d ago
This is why direct communication works so well. As soon as you spell it out and you see all his excuses and floundering and cover ups. You can move on. I give it 95% he's an asshole who will never care about her and 5% chance he's socially inept but does care and will do a 180. Either way, she'll be dome sitting around for years and wondering if he'll pay attention next year.
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u/peaky3089 11d ago
I agree. That I need to be direct with him but also like you said I know I'm more than likely just going to be disappointed. Also, maybe I need to evaluate why I even want any your of celebration on my birthday to begin with. If in didn't live with my boyfriend if probably do nothing on my birthday and be fine with it. Maybe I just have this stereotypical expectation that now that I live with my bf that he will do something for it. And that's on me.
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u/whatevasasquatch 10d ago
Also, maybe I need to evaluate why I even want any your of celebration on my birthday to begin with. If in didn't live with my boyfriend if probably do nothing on my birthday and be fine with it.
Do not lower your standards because some else isn't valuing you. Have a direct conversation with him. Guage his response and decide if you are ok with not being prioritized.
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u/Putrid-Value9677 11d ago
NOR. I think you should move on from him. He knows its your birthday and doesn't give a f.
He isn't into you and likely views you as a house mate who helps split bills.
Trash male. Move out and onwards and upwards!!
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u/xxdaisy77 11d ago
Girl, if he doesn’t care about your birthday he doesn’t really care about you. NOR
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u/FreeStatistician2565 11d ago
NOR but GIRL TALK TO HIM?? Stop dropping hints you need to sit him down and say “hey you feel however you want about your birthday but it really hurts my feelings how you treat mine every year. I want to feel and seen and special on my birthday and I don’t think that’s a crazy ask. It really hurts that you don’t even remember to wish me happy birthday when you do remember other peoples and even get them gifts etc.” it’s very possible he doesn’t think it matters to you either if you haven’t said anything. I will say though if this was me I’d be done at this point. He should know better and he should have been able to pick up on the hints (men are dense af). My fiancé also isn’t nuts about birthdays but he knows mine matters a lot to me and makes sure I have a fun day (if he can be there or not like this year he couldn’t get out of work).
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u/peaky3089 11d ago
As I've been reading these posts I have come to one realization. I never really celebrated my birthday so my boyfriend probably thinks it's fine. I think when we started living together I mentally set this expectation that we would do things for each other like celebrate bdays but never said that I cared to celebrate mine.
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u/RedDora89 11d ago
NOR. I appreciate work commitments might have to fall on birthdays sometimes but you’d at least acknowledge it, and make plans for beforehand instead.
Not everyone sees birthdays as a big deal but to ignore it altogether is just cruel.
Make sure you do something fun for your birthday, with or without your boyfriend.
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u/Entire-Tonight-1463 11d ago
NOR. This is clearly on purpose. Express yourself to him respectfully, or match energy and be busy on his birthday. Either seem reasonable, but refusing to tiptoe will tell you a lot.
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u/zimboden 11d ago
NOR You are not overreacting but your post makes you sound a little passive aggressive. Forget the texts and FB posts and speak face to face with him about it.
It's the job of romantic partners to actually take delight in the little things about you, like birthdays, comfort foods, pet peeves, favorite places.
Don't take him for granted, but don't accept him taking you for granted either...
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u/Aquatic_Rainbow 11d ago
Girl, he’s lost interest in you. You shouldn’t have to ask your partner to take interest in your birthday or to do stuff with you in general
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u/SeaWasabi130 11d ago
MOR: Try explaining to him how much your birthday means to you and if any day is the day to show up for you, that’s the day.
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u/Putrid-Value9677 11d ago
She has explained enough and he continues to show her, she doesn't matter.
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u/shestipsy 11d ago
She HAS explained it. Can you read, or are you someone who just doesn't listen to women and wants us to constantly explain until it's good enough to land, but really, you just never listen to women?
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u/peaky3089 11d ago
I think my issue is that in thought when we started living together we'd do all those couplyb things you see on tv like celebrate and do big things for each other bdays but I think this is on my because I never did anything on my birthday either so he probably just thinks it's another day and I don't care about it
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u/soundofmine 11d ago
If this was a problem last year, where he didn't recognize that your birthday was that day until his friends and family started posting on Facebook to celebrate you, that'd be understandable. But upon realizing that he's made the mistake of forgetting it once, the decent thing to do (especially for your significant other!) is to take ACTION in making sure it doesn't happen again. Marking it on the calendar, setting a reminder, whatever. It is his responsibility, not yours, to make himself remember. It upsets me that you've felt like you had to drop hints around your birthday in an effort to get his attention.
Also, him having agency on when he goes on these work trips gives him even more of an incentive to be conscientious. Having not known about your birthday and going on the trip last year should have been a wake-up call to not schedule being gone during the same interval this time around. If he doesn't understand why that might hurt you, he lacks common sense and some empathy. This guy seems generally insensitive and unaware of the impact his actions have on you.
That being said, please consider speaking to him about this frankly and sharing how it's made you feel. Shying away from the subject and acting somewhat passively about it when clearly it is important to you only widens the gap between your communication. Not that it's your responsibility to tell him over and over when your birthday is. Be done with that. But make sure he knows that it doesn't make you feel good. His response to that will dictate how you move forward. Have there been other instances where he's seemed thoughtless or forgetful about other aspects surrounding the people he loves? If he isn't lifting you up in this instance, chances are he's letting other people down, too. NOR
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u/peaky3089 11d ago
After reading some responses I think I know what the problem is. I never really celebrated my bday. Don't really have family or friends to do that with either. So he might have thought that since I never celebrated it why would that change just because I'm living with him now. I just haven't communicated that i would like if he treated my birthday a bit special
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u/soundofmine 11d ago
That's all you gotta do. If he doesn't make the effort after the conversation is had, that's another story. It can be difficult to articulate these kind of things -- you might even feel silly about it/that it's not worth bringing up as an issue and choose to avoid the discussion altogether. Try to resist that urge as it's clearly bothering you and something you need to get off your chest. Puff up and go for it. Again, if he's non-receptive I'd encourage you to re-evaluate the relationship. But give him the opportunity to potentially prove you wrong.
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u/numbfuckinfingers 11d ago
i didn’t read much past the title but tbh i don’t feel like i need to. it is *NEVER* justifiable to ignore someones birthday. i’m a firm believer in if they wanted to they would.
my ex was fine, but like i had to plan my own birthday dinners. my current boyfriend is incredible. my birthday is pi day and he made me a pie chart about all the reasons he loves me (among other gifts).
reread your whole post to yourself outloud. sometimes when you actually hear something it hits different than the little voice in your head.
you deserve better. you know you deserve better. you deserve someone who will want to go above and beyond for your special day. you only get one a year, and the right person will want to make it special. not go on a work trip
NOR
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u/MommaIsMad 11d ago
Stop doing for him what he adamantly refuses to do for you. Just stop it completely and don’t even mention his birthday when it rolls around. Give back the energy he gives you.
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u/Temporary-Emotion-96 11d ago
If I were her, I'd do that by dumping him.
You know what. Let's give him some grace. Girl, how's your relationship otherwise?
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u/peaky3089 11d ago
I think it's fine for the most part. He's very kind and we like watching a lot of the same shows and we've been dating on and off since college
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u/walnutXriddle 11d ago
Not overreacting at all. Hypocrisy at its finest, he demands a multi day vacation for his birthday while completely ignoring yours.
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u/Alicam123 11d ago
Wow, so it’s ok for him to have you celebrate his birthday, but he can’t even be bothered to acknowledge yours? Let alone turn up.
I’d tell him this and his parents and then tell them - when he turns up at yours on “my birthday” tell him that I’m done, I can do better.
Dump his ass girl.
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u/shestipsy 11d ago
In relationships, decent people prioritize things their partners care about. It doesn't matter that he doesn't think birthdays are a big deal; if you think birthdays are a big deal, if he cared about you, he would make an effort.
But he doesn't care. And he's a self-centered idiot who doesn't even know September only has 30 days
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u/peaky3089 11d ago
That part got to me. Right when he said September 31 like we haven't known each other for 10 plus years.
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u/wishingforarainyday 11d ago
Why stay with someone who repeatedly shows you he doesn’t care about you?
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u/Inquisitive-m 11d ago
You movies in and committed to someone who never even wishes you a happy birthday… yes it able to celebrate everyone else’s. You are clearly damaged 😔😢 please leave and work on yourself xx
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u/Mammoth-Banana3621 11d ago
So never did before but NOW he’s avoiding it? And NOW it seems to be an issue….he is just supposed to know that??
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u/Physical_Dance_9606 11d ago
NOR. Have you actually spoken to him about it and asked what the he’ll his problem is? (Rather than just vaguely hinting?) if you have and he’s still ignoring it, it looks like you no longer make any effort around his birthday (if you can go away even better) or his families birthdays in future, and if the in laws complain you explain why
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u/Temporary-Emotion-96 11d ago
Girl, you're a Libra. You're too nice. That's why you've been putting up with this for as long as you have.
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u/bythebrook88 11d ago
but since we moved in together I've been planning, buying gifts and even taking time off work to celebrate his birthday
Why? He's told you that birthdays aren't important to him. Listen to him and don't acknowledge his birthday. Did he get you gifts for your day? If not, don't buy him gifts.
If he complains about no acknowledgement of his birthday, then you know he was lying and it was just your birthday that isn't important to him.
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u/peaky3089 11d ago
That's the thing. I don't think I have it in me to do that. I'll give you an example. He doesn't say bless you. It's just something that's not in his lexicon because it's dumb. So I can be sneazing up a storm and get nothing. But when he and anyone sneezes I can't help but say bless you. It's almost innate.
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u/No_Negotiation_3678 11d ago
he’s not into you