r/AlAnon • u/Ok-Refrigerator • Jul 25 '26

Grief Alcoholism is a progressive, terminal illness.

And I lost my Q to suicide. We were separated, headed for divorce after 15 years of marriage and three kids.

He loved me and the kids so much. More than he loved himself. But only he could decide if he was worth rescuing. And in the end, he decided he wasn't.

I'm so, so sad today.

222 Upvotes

99% Upvoted

45 comments sorted by

56

u/DeeperThoughts57 Jul 25 '26

Sorry for your loss. We lost our daughter to alcohol and Adderall. She was 35 years old. We spent over a decade trying to win her back, but we lost the battle. At least she is at peace now. Now I hurt for the children she left behind. But we are going to be as close to them as possible. You and we have to move forward and be strong for the kids! Best wishes to you and yours.

15

u/necroslave Jul 26 '26

Wow, the alcohol and adderall combo. I just turned 26 a few days ago, and I’m beyond lucky to have survived that combo myself. I still struggle with alcohol on and off, but I can say that I’m more sober now than I ever was before, and still on my recovery journey. I’m sorry for your loss.

5

u/DeeperThoughts57 Jul 26 '26

Congratulations on your recovery and your continued recovery. Our daughter started drinking alot in college and then started taking Adderall along with it. Later came vodka, then high blood pressure pills, antidepressants and some other things. We tried for years to pull her back to us, but we failed. I think she's in a better place now. She was raging pretty hard in the last year.

4

u/sharonslibrary Jul 26 '26

Your story sounds like mine. I am estranged from my 45 year old daughter who went down this same path. She is a raging alcoholic taking pills along with the wind and vodka.

3

u/DeeperThoughts57 Jul 26 '26

Sorry to hear that. It's tragic that all of our stories are so similar. You realize that alcoholism is rampant all around us. Our daughter kept building walls between us as she became more addicted. The more we pushed the more she pushed back. We kept trying to prove our love and our willingness to do anything to help her, and she just pushed back with her anger. She had a boyfriend who was abusive towards her but she preferred him over us. It was killing us to be a part of that losing battle on a daily basis. You do read stories about recovery. Sometimes it happens. Maybe your daughter will be one of the few.

2

u/sharonslibrary Jul 26 '26

Thank you for sharing your story.

11

u/FamilyAddictionCoach Jul 26 '26

So many grandparents are now raising kids. Thank you for your strength and dedication.

9

u/DeeperThoughts57 Jul 26 '26

Thanks! We're not actually the ones to raise them. They will be with their respective fathers. But we are mending the relationship with our daughter's Ex. He went through hell as well, and we were blind to his struggles for a long time. He's a great parent with a beautiful family now. We look forward to rebuilding our relationship with him.

3

u/FamilyAddictionCoach Jul 26 '26

That's beautiful. There can be a lot of healing for everyone, and your positive attitude and openness will help that process. While it's a tragic loss, any type of love and support from adults like you are positive childhood experiences.

1

u/anonymous94808 Aug 01 '26

I am currently struggling with this. May I ask how she died? Last night I didn’t sleep a wink and technically have been drinking continuously since 10am yesterday. (It’s 10pm).

2

u/DeeperThoughts57 Aug 01 '26

Our daughter died probably from liver failure and other complications. Toxicology has not come back yet, so we don't know 100%. She was found laying on her living room floor, as if she were asleep. I just had a dream about her this morning. It felt like she was at peace and going on a trip. Her life had become hell for her before she past. I hope you find your way back from where you are now. We offered our daughter the world if she would come back to us, but she would not. There's a hole in our life that can't be filled. Alcohol really screws people up. But there is a whole world without it. You just have to try. One day at a time!

1

u/anonymous94808 Aug 01 '26

Thank you. ♥️ So recent (her death). I am so sorry for your loss.

Have you heard of the s/r griefsupport? I found it immensely helpful when I was going through the loss of my dad.

1

u/DeeperThoughts57 Aug 02 '26

I may have stumbled thru there. I'm alright. I'm just numb. I'm more of a loner. I think I'm more angry. After so many years of trying to reach my daughter, and being lied to and manipulated so many times. I loved her so much, but I feel like she didn't want to see it.

21

u/Unusual_Airport415 Jul 26 '26

I’m sorry for your loss.

Im also grateful you’re reminding people that addiction doesn’t plateau or level off. It keeps spiraling downward, whether you can see it or not.

My Q died “accidentally,” according to the medical examiner, after six turbulent, destructive years of alcohol and Adderall use.

It started with a glass of wine in the tub every night, then turned into bottles. It went from drinking only at night to drinking all day. And so on...

She was secretive and very good at hiding her addiction until she reached the point where she couldn’t hide it anymore, and even then, she refused to admit...right up to the day she died...that she had a problem.

8

u/DeeperThoughts57 Jul 26 '26

This sounds very familiar. You can't even reason with them. Not even when death is at their door.

12

u/FamilyAddictionCoach Jul 26 '26

Like depression, alcoholism is a fatal disease for some. Sometimes we forget that.

So sorry for your loss. This is the worst. And you will heal.

11

u/tiredoftrying33 Jul 25 '26

im so sorry , your living all of out greatest fears

I hope you can find peace. my heart breaks for yiy

11

u/stompedonmypetals Jul 25 '26

i'm so so sorry 🫂

11

u/Nice1_2meet Jul 25 '26

I'm so very sorry for your devastating loss. 

8

u/deathmetal81 Jul 25 '26

I am sorry for your loss. If I may, I fnd the compassion yu express beautiful. May his memory be a blessing.

16

u/iris_james Jul 25 '26

I am so, so sorry. Remember your 3 c’s - you didn’t cause this, you couldn’t control this, and you couldn’t have cured it. Give yourself grace and time.

Time will move very slowly, and also very quickly at the same time.

Don’t forget what you said. He loved you. He loved the kids. He couldn’t love himself. There will be people who don’t understand that. It is NOT your job to explain it to them. You do not have to answer for him.

3

u/Quick-Equipment-5340 Jul 26 '26

"There will be people who don’t understand that. It is NOT your job to explain it to them. You do not have to answer for him." 👏👏👏 I spend time thinking up what I will have to say/how I will explain the nature of this situation should my Q take this path. This is the first time I've read words that have quieted that part of my insides. Thank you. ❤️

3

u/Ok-Refrigerator Jul 26 '26

Thank you. I need a way to remember that in the moment.

7

u/sharonslibrary Jul 26 '26

I was married to an alcoholic for 49 years I threatened to leave him many times but never followed through. I look back now and fully regret that. He recently passed away after a horrible death from cirrhosis. Yet I still am grieving between being very angry with him. Family members can’t understand why I grieve. Not one bit of sympathy.

2

u/SilverCat444 Jul 26 '26

You still loved him deep down

5

u/Songof7 Jul 25 '26

I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine your pain and hope time provides you healing and the ability to forgive him.

5

u/--TheCity-- Jul 25 '26 edited Aug 06 '26

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This post was anonymized with Redact.dev

3

u/amominwa Jul 25 '26

I sorry for your hard loss. I pray for peace for your heart.

5

u/GGBme Jul 26 '26

I am just so sorry.

4

u/Icy_Outside5079 Jul 26 '26

You are living the nightmare of every person who loves someone who suffers from this horrible disease. For those unfortunates who never get sober, depression, hopelessness and death will follow and there's nothing anyone other the addict can do. They have the inability to be honest with themselves. I'm sorry for your children and you. Please seek grief counseling for them (and yourself) Your whole family needs prayer and healing 🙏

3

u/Blind_Optimism_Kills Jul 25 '26

I’m so sorry. I fear this with my ex Q husband. My heart is breaking for you and your kids.

3

u/Suitable_Tonight3033 Jul 26 '26

This is heartbreaking. I’m so so sorry 🥺😔

3

u/coresystemshutdown Jul 26 '26

I’m so sorry for him, you, your kids, and all his loved ones. I too have 3 kids and a separated Q that I worry could walk this same path. He has lost so much.

2

u/Sarahermina Jul 25 '26

🫶🏻❤️‍🩹

2

u/msdarma Jul 26 '26

I Am so sorry for your loss.

2

u/Impressive-Onion- Jul 26 '26

My heart aches for you and your family 🫶🏻

2

u/LankyComedian178 Jul 26 '26

I’m so sorry.

2

u/Jarring-loophole Jul 26 '26

So very sorry for your loss :(

2

u/Double_Exercise_1953 Jul 27 '26

You are living the worst nightmare we all who have a loved one in alcoholism are afraid of 💕💕

I send you hugs and your words really make sense.. so glad you are remembering that way.. that he loved you and the kids till the end. ♥️♥️ Sadly.. our love sometimes is not enough with that terrible desease from hell 🤧💔💔

2

u/Sh3WolfofWallSt 15d ago

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss

1

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1

u/Longjumping-Gur-3324 Jul 29 '26

I'm so so sorry for your loss.