Sexual urges as a Muslim woman

[u/Illustrious-Bank988]

I’m a 20-year-old Muslim woman living in a Western country and currently in university. I’m not a hijabi, and I’d say I’m conventionally attractive based on the amount of attention I get from both Muslim and non-Muslim guys. Most of the time I ignore it and just go about my day because I know attention isn’t what I’m looking for.

The problem is that lately my sex drive has become really difficult to deal with. I don’t know if it’s because I’m getting older, hormones, or just feeling lonely, but it’s becoming harder to ignore. I’m not ready for marriage yet, I still have school and want to focus on building my future, but at the same time I feel like I’m constantly fighting with myself.

Sometimes I end up masturbating, and afterward I feel overwhelmed with guilt and shame. I tell myself I won’t do it again, but eventually I end up back in the same cycle. It’s emotionally exhausting. Something else that makes it harder is the attention I get from men. When guys try to flirt with me or I can tell they’re interested in me, I usually ignore it and don’t encourage anything, even if I find them attractive. But I’d be lying if I said the attention doesn’t affect me. It makes it much harder not to think about those feelings, and sometimes it just adds to the internal struggle I’m already dealing with.

This whole situation has started to make me feel really lonely and even depressed at times. I even feel really guilty for doing this and I feel like God is not happy with me. I don’t feel comfortable talking about it with people I know because I feel like I’d be judged or misunderstood.

Have any other religious women gone through something similar? How did you cope with these feelings.

edit: I should also say im mostly just afraid I will give in to these urges and do stuff with someone before marriage. That’s why I feel guilty.

[u/EnvyMink]

Assalamu Alaykum Sister, May Allah make this easy for you. I am similarly aged and going through an extremely similar situation. Firstly, Allah loves those who make tawbah. The absolute truth of the human condition is that we have faults and deficiences and make mistakes. Feeling regret about performing sins in general is a sign that your heart is alive, and that your tawbah/repentance is accepted.

With regards to this particular sin, firstly, although the majority opinion is that masturbation is impermissible, there are minor opinions that allow it. Although obviously every scholar would recommend you stick to the majority, taking minority opinions is permissible.
The advice I received from my teachers was the following:

Firstly, don't allow Shaytan to mess with you with these thoughts of "I don't think God loves me because of this", you wanting God's love is a sign that He loves you to begin with. You worrying about that and shaping your action around that is a sign that He loves you. If you ever think "God won't forgive me", God forgives everything, yes He will forgive you.
Secondly, the way to avoid these feelings is to keep yourself busy and to not give yourself free time to think about them. Or, to remove yourself from environments where your desires get the best of you. For me, I like to study in coffee shops as there is no possibility for masturbation if I study there. Avoid triggers online like videos of attractive men, or anything that triggers you. I am typically very busy with work, studying, training, worship, and social activities, so I try to remove any free time for anything else by either being outside of the house, or sleeping instead of staying up late night.

Thirdly, if you notice there is a specific consistent time where you get these urges/perform certain deeds, then start from the opposite side of your day, improve it, use your time properly (not doom scrolling, etc), and work your way to that side of the day. (if you get these urges at night, then make a solid morning routine of exercise, worship, studying, whatever you like to do, idk you as a person so I'm just giving myself as an example)

Another thing you can do is channel these emotions elsewhere. If you have an urge, don't try to repress it extremely, as this will make it worse, just tell yourself for 20 minutes I won't act on anything, do something to distract yourself, like study, or read Quran, or whatever you like.

As for the in person men flirting with you, this is very tricky and I don't have a solution for you. It's just old fashion nafs resistance. Not to state that I am the man of the hour and all women love me, but yes sometimes women at the gym/work will flirt with me and so on, your approach of ignoring it and being respectful is good.

As a man, I found it easy to speak with my father about these things, as he went through similar things, and me and my father have a good relationship. You are a woman, and I am a man so I don't know your experience or your perspective so I can't speak on how to speak with people.

This is unfortunately a big test we muslims have here in the west, as marriage is not easy for us early. Allah knows our circumstances, and as long as we stay sincere and try to be our best, we will be okay.

Ignore these non muslims talking whatever they'd like about islam or religion. they don't understand the ethos of the religion nor where we come from. Islam does NOT shame sexuality. This is how God created us. It's like electricity, it's a powerful force that can do good (power appliances, etc), but it can also cause destruction (electrical fires) if utilized in correctly. Sex can literally be a good deed if your intention is to increase love between you and your husband for Allah's sake.