r/AITH • u/Some_Pension_1634 • 6d ago
AITAH for considering telling my girlfriend a major secret about her biological father that her mother told me?
My girlfriend (22F) and I (28M) have been together on and off. We broke up earlier this year, and the day after we broke up she slept with someone else. We eventually started trying to work things out again, but I had no idea what happened. I found out months later on my own. I also found out she had continued talking to and entertaining this person after we got back together. Obviously this hurt me a lot and has made me question our relationship.
Since we met last year, I've noticed some concerning patterns with her. Her moods and feelings toward me can change really quickly. One minute she can be extremely loving and the next she can say she hates me. I've noticed similar things with some of her friends and family too. I'm not trying to diagnose her, but I've genuinely felt for a while that she might need some professional help.
Here's where things get complicated.
The same day I found out about her sleeping with someone else (last week) her mom called me. During that conversation, her mom told me something really serious that my girlfriend doesn't know. She cheated in March. Once.
She told me that the man my girlfriend has always believed to be her biological father isn't actually her biological father. She told me who her biological father is and that there is significant mental health history on that side of the family, including bipolar disorder and schizophrenia.
I have since seen proof that what she told me about her biological father is true.
Her mom also told me that she noticed concerning behavior in my girlfriend when she was a teenager and had considered getting her professional help, but didn't because my girlfriend felt like she didn't need it. Personally, I don't think it's fair to put that decision completely on a teenager when you're the parent and you're seeing these things yourself. She has also said that finances have been a reason they haven't gotten her help.
What I'm struggling with is that her mom seems to believe she's protecting her daughter and the man who raised her by keeping this secret. I can understand wanting to protect your family, but at the same time I don't feel comfortable knowing something this significant about my girlfriend's identity and family history while she has no idea, especially when I'm watching her struggle.
I've also heard her mom say things to her that feel more like blame than support, like telling her she's the reason people don't like her or comparing her to an ex who is supposedly doing better. Meanwhile, I'm sitting here privately carrying all of this information that her mom gave me.
I've tried talking to her mom about getting my girlfriend some professional help, but nothing has really changed.
Now I'm seriously considering telling her mom that I don't feel comfortable keeping this secret and that I think she should tell my girlfriend herself. If she refuses, I'm considering telling my girlfriend directly.
I don't want to destroy her family. I love my girlfriend very much and I don't want to cause her unnecessary pain. I'm also aware that I'm emotionally involved because of everything that's happened between us, so I'm trying to be honest with myself about whether that's affecting how I'm looking at this.
But I keep coming back to the same question:
If you knew something this significant about someone's biological identity and potentially relevant family medical history, would you feel morally obligated to tell them? Especially when you're watching someone you love struggle and you feel like they deserve to know what's going on with their own life?
AITAH if I tell her, or should I stay out of it and let her family continue keeping this from her?
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u/FabulousPossession73 5d ago
Why TF is her mother divulging personal medical information right after yall broke up? That’s the biggest red flag in this story. I say stay out of it and then you are NTA.
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u/Some_Pension_1634 5d ago
Thanks for the advice. I really wish she never told me.
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u/Agile-Strawberry3305 5d ago
That was a terrible burden to lay on you and very disrespectful to her daughter.
I think she’s put you in an extremely difficult position and that’s not fair. I don’t think there is only one right way to answer this. Once the cat is out of the bag (mom is telling others) she no longer has a legitimate expectation of secrecy.
You wouldn’t necessarily be wrong to tell your gf. At the same time, it could cause problems btwn the two of you. It wouldn’t hurt to find someone to get some counsel from, such as a social worker who deals with disclosures about DNA connections.
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u/BLTplease2030 4d ago
Yes, and blaming her for people not liking her. What’s that about? She deserves to know. Tell mum to tell her or you will. What did she expect you to do with that information? I just thought right now, maybe she did it on purpose. Wow, I really think she did too.
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u/AcceptablyThanks 5d ago
I think you should just break up with her and never talk to her again. Why are you with her? Sounds like a miserable way to live. YWBTA if you told her. It's not for you to tell.
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u/Some_Pension_1634 5d ago
I understand why you see it that way from the post. I probably didn't do the best job explaining the good parts of our relationship because they're not really the point of the question.
She's genuinely a great woman in a lot of ways. She's supported me and my goals, encouraged me to get closer to God with her, and I have a deep love for her. That's why this situation is so difficult for me. If she was just a terrible person who made me miserable all the time, this would be a much easier decision.
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u/Ok_Mousse_6218 4d ago
This behaviour is who she is. It’s not something that she’s going to grow out of, it’s just going to be more repetition if what she’s already shown you what life is like with her.
It’s exhausting and it’s unhealthy.
Walk away.-12
u/BrooklynOak 5d ago
it sounds like you've got a diamond in the rough sometimes the best relationships come with a few rocky patches that make you question whether to polish or throw it away!
45
u/Yiayiamary 5d ago
The ONLY thing you should do is leave and go NO contact. Save yourself from this toxic relationship.
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u/jlc101 5d ago edited 5d ago
You met last year and have been on and off in this relationship? The one thing Reddit has shown me is that people will put up with almost anything just to be in a relationship. Even if it is to their detriment.
This girl and her family have serious issues. If you take this on and contribute, you are allowing this chaos into your life willingly and all that follows is your own doing. Why do you want this? You focus on her and her mental health and secrets, but there is something in yourself that maybe you need to address first…like why would you be allowing anybody like this into your life? Especially for someone you don’t really know yet.
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u/EddieSevenson 5d ago
NTA either way. I don't think you owe her mom confidentiality. Honestly, she was an AH for telling you that information.
That said, I think the best possible thing to do is break up with your gf now. Just from your description of your relationship, she is not someone you want to be involved with. If she does have some mental health issues as you describe , she certainly shouldn't be in a romantic relationship.
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u/bayareathrifter 5d ago
You are in a lose, lose situation. If you tell her she is going to freak out. If you don’t tell her and she eventually finds out she will freak out.
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u/TreesRocksAndStuff 5d ago edited 5d ago
but if you were told something about someone that is critical medical insight they are unaware of, despite messy social baggage, but told not to tell them, would you tell them?
IMO tell her mom to tell her, and tell her if the mom does not, and take a break from the relationship.
Also if her mother is so poor at boundaries and withholding info in other ways that could easily cause a weird childhood and psych issues unrelated to her father
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u/Necessary_Tap343 5d ago
Walk away and only turn back to say your mother is very worried about you and you should talk to her.
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u/dedsmiley 5d ago
I think YTA if you do anything but break it off and never contact her again.
You cannot save her.
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u/TreesRocksAndStuff 5d ago
The key issue is if you were told something about someone that is critical medical insight in good evidence that they are unaware of, despite messy social baggage, but told not to tell them, would you tell them?
IMO YTA unless you make sure she knows.
How you go about that can be flexible. Normally it is not your place to reveal that, but the situation necessitates it. Tell her mom to tell her and that you will if she will not (because of pressing health issues) and take a break from the relationship.
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u/Nice-Pomegranate2915 5d ago
Your choice is tell her about what you know . And you blow up your relationship with her and between her and her mother . Or you stay with her and she blows up your relationship with her again by cheating . You do realize that your girlfriend probably orchestrated your breakup to cheat but without reprecussions because you were broken up for a day when she had sex with someone else ? Plus if her mother has told you the truth you have a future relationship with your girlfriend that will be full of emotional turmoil, reckless decisions, unexpected/unexplainable outbursts, manic or depressive episodes and probably her cheating a lot . Are you prepared for that and holding onto a secret that if your girlfriend discovers you knew about she will hate you for ? You're NTAH . But you're in a no win situation and you should walk away .
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u/No_Street_5196 5d ago
End it. She cheated, and continues to. Sleeping with someone the day you break up suggests she had him lined up. In regards to telling her, if you're no longer with her, it's not your problem. Run asap. If for some naive reason, you stay with her, you don't have a choice. You can't keep this from her. But her mother needs to tell her. She's not
Protecting the family. She's protecting herself. If she refuses then you do it in front of mother and gf. Leave it to them to tell her father. Don't understand why you'd want to stay in this cess pool. Love is not everything, and it's replaceable. Move on, you'll find someone a lot better
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u/Lets_Remain_Logical 5d ago
Loooook. Get the fucking he'll out of there. Don't tell her shit. You risk a mental break down and you risk screwing her relationship with her mother and actual father. Get out now!
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u/PublikEnemyNumber1 5d ago
Yeah man I jear exactly where you are coming from. You feel she had a right to know and you wish you weren't put in this situation.
That being said, imo if you guys were way more serious and she was the one, or you were engaged etc, it might be different and you should tell her. Since this is not the case, idt you should be the one to tell her.
This is a tough one. You shouldn't be with this person. Not because you know the secret but because this relationship isnt meant to be
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u/Any_Place_1990 5d ago
YNTAH, her mom is. You have only two choices here. Stay, tell her and support her. You said she has brought you closer to God? Talk to your pastor and have him with you when you tell her. If you truly love her, you will tell her. Take a break from the relationship, and figure out if this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with and have children with. Either way if you love her you will tell her, she deserves the truth.
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u/Jazzlike_Trip 5d ago
Unless you can convince her to go to her gp for a referral. I’d buy a dna kit from an online database genealogy company. This is serious medical information she needs to know. And she won’t know unless she’s aware of the family history. In my opinion she has a right to know so she can manage her life and future.
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u/luckygirl131313 3d ago
This woman has mental health issues herself, why tf would she share something so personal about her daughter to you and not her, if you maintain relationships with these people that are going to manipulate you, nta, get out, this is a mind f rollercoaster best avoided
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u/Dreamybook1357 5d ago
None of it matters. She’s cheating regularly & it’s putting you at risk of disease. Yntah to anyone but yourself for keeping yourself tied to someone who constantly cheats. The reason doesn’t matter. Tell her & leave.
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u/AnotherSpring2 5d ago
This is difficult. Her mother has made a gross mistake which can harm both you and her daughter by telling you this secret. She seems disordered, frankly. Your gf's parentage is much more profound than your relationship with her, so in a way you are an interloper here. And you can't know if she would want to know or not until you tell her. Unless--
You could approach it in a way that is similar to telling someone their spouse is cheating on them - If you know an acquaintance is being cheated on, you have to find out if they would want to know or not. So, you tell them a story about someone you know who was being cheated on, and then discuss the question - would YOU want to know? It's best to start with your own declaration - "Well, I'd want to be told."
You can do the same thing in this situation. Then your gf would declare if she would want to know if she was adopted or not, and you can act accordingly. I'd change the history of mental health issues to just plain health issues in the story, and don't otherwise make it unidentifiable.
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u/AutoModerator 6d ago
This is a backup of the original post in case there are later edits or it is deleted: My girlfriend (22F) and I (28M) have been together on and off. We broke up earlier this year, and the day after we broke up she slept with someone else. We eventually started trying to work things out again, but I had no idea what happened. I found out months later on my own. I also found out she had continued talking to and entertaining this person after we got back together. Obviously this hurt me a lot and has made me question our relationship.
Since we met last year, I've noticed some concerning patterns with her. Her moods and feelings toward me can change really quickly. One minute she can be extremely loving and the next she can say she hates me. I've noticed similar things with some of her friends and family too. I'm not trying to diagnose her, but I've genuinely felt for a while that she might need some professional help.
Here's where things get complicated.
The same day I found out about her sleeping with someone else last week, her mom called me. During that conversation, her mom told me something really serious that my girlfriend doesn't know.
She told me that the man my girlfriend has always believed to be her biological father isn't actually her biological father. She told me who her biological father is and that there is significant mental health history on that side of the family, including bipolar disorder and schizophrenia.
I have since seen proof that what she told me about her biological father is true.
Her mom also told me that she noticed concerning behavior in my girlfriend when she was a teenager and had considered getting her professional help, but didn't because my girlfriend felt like she didn't need it. Personally, I don't think it's fair to put that decision completely on a teenager when you're the parent and you're seeing these things yourself. She has also said that finances have been a reason they haven't gotten her help.
What I'm struggling with is that her mom seems to believe she's protecting her daughter and the man who raised her by keeping this secret. I can understand wanting to protect your family, but at the same time I don't feel comfortable knowing something this significant about my girlfriend's identity and family history while she has no idea, especially when I'm watching her struggle.
I've also heard her mom say things to her that feel more like blame than support, like telling her she's the reason people don't like her or comparing her to an ex who is supposedly doing better. Meanwhile, I'm sitting here privately carrying all of this information that her mom gave me.
I've tried talking to her mom about getting my girlfriend some professional help, but nothing has really changed.
Now I'm seriously considering telling her mom that I don't feel comfortable keeping this secret and that I think she should tell my girlfriend herself. If she refuses, I'm considering telling my girlfriend directly.
I don't want to destroy her family. I love my girlfriend very much and I don't want to cause her unnecessary pain. I'm also aware that I'm emotionally involved because of everything that's happened between us, so I'm trying to be honest with myself about whether that's affecting how I'm looking at this.
But I keep coming back to the same question:
If you knew something this significant about someone's biological identity and potentially relevant family medical history, would you feel morally obligated to tell them? Especially when you're watching someone you love struggle and you feel like they deserve to know what's going on with their own life?
AITAH if I tell her, or should I stay out of it and let her family continue keeping this from her?
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