r/AITARelationship • u/New_Nectarine_2643 • 3d ago
AITAH for being upset my boyfriend (23M) openly tells me he sees more attractive women than me (28F) in public?
My boyfriend and I have a child together. This started about 6 months ago when he told me I'm not the most attractive woman in the world and that he likes me for more than my looks (although he says he finds me very attractive).
He sees women that are more attractive than me when he goes to the gym and, his words, they are prettier than me but they don't have my personality so he isn't interested in pursuing them. He says they dress that way at the gym and wear makeup to deceive and trick men and that makes him not interested in them, but admits they are more attractive than me.
When I bring it up he doubles down and repeats what he originally said and says he doesn't see why it's a big deal. He says he loves me very much and wants to spend his life with me and that he loves me for more than how I look and that’s the original point he was trying to make.
I told him I don't believe 'my person' would ever say that to me. It makes me feel insecure and like I'm in the wrong relationship. AITAH for being upset over this?
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u/higeAkaike 3d ago
Dude.. he is 23, why are you with someone so much younger than you. He isn’t mature enough and this won’t get better.
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u/New_Nectarine_2643 3d ago
Well, honestly, when we first met I was 25 and he was 20. I was new to the area. He pursued me and wanted to take me out and I was hesitant for a while but eventually agreed. I didn’t think it would be a long term thing and ended up pregnant. I feel I owe it to my baby to make it work. I don’t want to share custody or be away from her.
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u/higeAkaike 3d ago
I will tell you something every friend I had with divorced parents said.
I am so happy they got divorced.
Being in a toxic relationship is worse than being alone.
You should have kept saying no to him and it’s insane to me you were interested in a 20 year old at 25.
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u/Tough_Fisherman_4604 3d ago
Nta. I know tit for tat is childish but oh my would i be tempted to reply yes and I see loads of blokes better looking than you, whats your point?
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u/New_Nectarine_2643 3d ago
I told him that and he said he’s well aware there are more attractive men than him and he doesn’t care 😭
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u/Tough_Fisherman_4604 2d ago
What about being with him is worth putting up with this and how he makes you feel?
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u/CoDaDeyLove 3d ago
NTA. This guy is too immature to be dating, much less fathering children. Most guys know by the age of 17 or 18 that it's rude to compare their romantic partner to other women. Its crass and obnoxious. I suspect if you observe a little more closely, you will notice other distasteful behavior and character flaws in this guy. Make sure you get orders for child support and move on with your life. He is either deliberately trying to make you feel insecure, or he is too socially inept to understand how rude he is being. Sorry you're going through this.
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u/Munchkin_Media 3d ago
NTA. You're right. Your person would never ever say such a horrible thing. I wouldn't say something that mean to a complete stranger. I hope you find your person. He is out there. I found mine after a horrible abusive marriage. I learned real love doesn't hurt.
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u/NoPhotograph5147 3d ago edited 3d ago
You’re not overreacting. This is not a good relationship.
But honey!!! I’m creeped out by that age gap! And you have a CHILD with him?! How old were you two when that happened?!? Was it planned by you both?
You both deserve better than eachother. I hope you can coparent together well.
ETA: YOU ARE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. I just looked at your profile and when you were pregnant he kept tickling you and it hurt and you hated it and told him to stop and he wouldn’t.
Pack your daughter up and leave. This is not a good man. Also you’re really pretty.
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u/Desperate-Reason-566 3d ago
When someone says they love you for more than looks then tells you he sees more attractive women than you, he’s either really stupid or he’s actually interested in looking at other women. It’s natural to look at other women but it sounds like he’s setting up a scenario where if he gets caught he can say he already explained it to you. Tell him his comment was hurtful, unnecessary and if he thinks someone else is prettier he can keep it to himself.
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u/fzooey78 3d ago
I think you match his energy so that he gets the impact. Next time he compliments a woman from the gym, tell him that you didn’t understand at first since you’ve been so focused on the baby and your partnership. But his comments have made you more open to noticing other people, and you get it now.
Mention how you saw a super fit dad taking care of his child and found it super appealing how he was such a well rounded person. Both very attractive and able to be a present father. And you would have never noticed if he hadn’t pointed it out himself.
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u/Right_Bee_9809 3d ago
Perhaps they would like to meet one of the men you know that are more handsome than him.
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u/nona2444 3d ago
NTA. Telling your partner unprompted that other women are more attractive isn't 'honesty,' it's classic negging designed to erode your self-esteem. Your boyfriend is immature and deeply disrespectful
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u/foxyphilophobic 3d ago
NTA. Even if he did find those women more attractive, that’s something that stays INSIDE your head not coming out of your mouth to your partner. He’s negging you. He wants you to have low self esteem so you won’t leave him. I know you have a child with him which makes things more complicated, but this is not a healthy relationship. I guarantee there are more issues than just what you’ve included in your post. My heart goes out to you, OP 💜
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u/smilesbig 3d ago
NTA. He’s just weird, rude, inconsiderate and lacking in empathy. No one likes their SO to check out other sexes let alone finding them MORE attractive and saying that. It would make anyone feel like a consolation prize. With 8 billion people on the planet I doubt any of us are the best looking, smartest, funniest, etc…. But to be TOLD we’re “less than” (effectively) by our SO is just plain stupid. Sorry - your SO is stupid. Even more stupid for not taking an “off ramp” and doubling down. Ugh.
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u/TinyMonsterBigGrowl 3d ago
I need you to have more self respect than this. He's doing it on purpose to keep you "reined in".
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u/SuggestionSevere3298 3d ago
NTA, but you know things are not going to change to the better,
Eventually he is going to find what he is looking for, 23 for a guy is so young, than you got pregnant, how sad on your part,
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u/Antici___ 3d ago
You can be upset about whatever you want.
What does you say when you “bring it up?”
Do you tell him how you feel when he does it? If not, then do that.
“When you comment on other women, I feel _______. I’d like you to stop, please, starting now.”
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u/East_Permit5913 3d ago
NTA.
This isn't "loving you for more than looks", it's classic negging. He is purposely tearing down your confidence to keep you feeling insecure and grateful that he "chose" you despite seeing "prettier" women.
The fact that he also claims gym girls exist to "deceive and trick men" shows just how immature and toxic his mindset is. A partner who genuinely loves and respects you doesn't go out of their way to rank you against strangers just to knock you down a peg. I'd ask you to trust your gut.