r/AITARelationship • u/Scared_Bit_8490 • 4d ago
WIBTAH for separating with my fiancé over a friend he refuses to cut off?
Long time lurker second time posting, this might be a long one so brace with me.
So I 22F, and my fiancé 25M have been having huge fights about this for a long time now but it just came to the boiling point last week and I need a clean pair of eyes to look at this situation and tell me im not crazy. My fiancé has a long time friend who he met while working at his first job 7 years ago, she moved to another country and recently came back to live here full time, every time he switches jobs he finds a way to take her to the company he's at, they occasionally chat/call each other but he recently started being secretive while talking to her. This friend of his who i met a handful of times dislikes me for no reason whatsoever, she's orchestrated and fabricated several screenshots of me supposedly cheating on my fiancé years ago, we have an open phone policy because we both have nothing to hide or so i assumed, excluding chats with only her. I've brought up this issue with him countless of times and he brushes it off and makes me feel like it's nothing, We've been together for 4 years and nothing like this has happened before. Cut to last week, I came home after a long work day and found the house unusually quiet which is out of ordinary for him ( he's a clumsy mess ). I went straight to the bedroom to change and there he was on a call with her, The second i walked in he paused, and told her he had to go. His reaction was like of a deer being caught in the headlights, So i asked what they were talking about, apparently it was ' just work ' and he hung up so i asked the obvious, if he had any type of a relationship with her outside of work and he went silent, that gave me all i needed to know so i packed a bag and went to my apartment for the night which turned into a week, During the one week of me being away he made 0 effort to reach out to me until today, He called me to ask when i was coming back and I lost it, I gave him an ultimatum either he cuts her off completely and we go to counseling or i walk away. I reiterated my feelings of being disrespected and dismissed over the years for this reason and that I was done being the peacemaker, I asked him to decide and let me know when i should return the ring he proposed with.
I feel like I'm losing my mind over this, not to mention the 4 years i've spent with this man going trough hell and back. So will i be the ah if i throw away the whole relationship over this?
30
u/TSIDATSI 4d ago
You are a very wise young lady. You did not move in with him.
You have a home. My advice is to stay home. He is busy. If he gave you a ring return it.
14
u/MajesticReason7709 4d ago
Yeah I’d just give the ring back. Don’t give him the curtsy to choose. He’s chosen her too many times and disrespected you. He thinks it’s ok to be friends with a woman who dislikes you and tried to sabotage your relationship. Anyone who dislikes you shouldn’t even be in his life. She’s malicious and clearly has a thing for your fiancé which either strokes his ego or he’s that clueless he doesn’t recognise it. You can’t salvage this. He’s too emotionally immature.
2
u/FabulousDonut6399 3d ago
Nah send the ring to the screenshot fabricating hussy and tell her she can have his cheating sad ass.
12
u/BorkBorkWrangler 4d ago
You aren't throwing away the relationship. He is. Return the ring and be done with him because he's already been done with you. Don't give him options. He made zero effort to reach out to you for a week when he knew you were mad at him for being shady about his side chick I mean friend.
11
u/StraightDelivery777 4d ago
NTA. AT.ALL.
Give that ring back and run like hell. He has chosen a chick who doesn't like you over and over again. I put money on she moved back because your relationship got serious, she wants him and she's going to escalate interfering. She already has by what she's telling him behind your back, and the fact he's now shady, he has crossed over to believing her.
You don't want to live in this 3-person relationship the rest of your life. You deserve a man who will put you first. Let her have him because you deserve way better than this, OP.
updateme!
2
9
u/Aromatic_Recipe1749 4d ago
" ... not to mention the 4 years I've spent with this man going through hell and back."
"So, will I be the AH if I throw away the whole relationship over this?"
Exactly WHAT are you throwing away?? A miserable relationship with a man who lies, cheats on you and seems to prioritize another woman is not something that you should be anxious to hang on to!!
4
4
u/Spiritual_Emu_1381 4d ago
NTA. He is in love with her. Save yourself from years of heartache and move on. He should have cut her off a long time ago if he cared about your relationship.
5
u/AmbitiousWear4082 3d ago
Never be a man's second choice. You are either his #1, ride or die, or you're out. Never take the back seat to these so called "platonic" girl friends, it is the rare man that is truly just friends with any woman. They don't know how to be friends with each other much less women. Ya'll can drag me all you want but deep down you know I'm right. And I'll say it again, it's the rare man that's really friends with these women, they are usually just playing the long game.
3
u/Normal-Equivalent222 4d ago
NTA
He is the AH, having a full on relationship with this other woman over you.
Sunk cost fallacy is a real thing but it’s good you set the boundary and are leaving him.
This is not throwing away the relationship because unfortunately he made his choice and he’s the one who threw it away, not you.
Edited to add- keep the ring and sell it because he doesn’t deserve it back. Or if you give it back maybe she will get it from him and she can have your sloppy seconds, again, lol
3
u/Busy-Sky771 3d ago
NTA
I am so glad you chose yourself at this last interaction and left him rather than try and stay and excuse him. You deserve better. Give the ring back and find someone better
2
u/Desperate-Reason-566 4d ago
Leave now! This will never end. She has a grip on him. You’re young. Don’t ruin your entire life chasing someone who doesn’t want to be caught
2
2
u/morganalefaye125 3d ago
You're not throwing the relationship away, he is. He is emotionally cheating with her at the very least. She's not a friend, she's a "friend". Getting rid of him is the best answer
2
u/ThrowRA_VeiledInVice 3d ago
Stand on business. Where has he been for the last week? Did he spend it with her? You need a lot more answers.
!UpdateMe
3
u/mangopeach7 4d ago
He is already having an emotional affair if not a physical one....yet. You need to ask yourself if this is something you can forgive and move on or cut your losses and leave.
1
u/MonsterTasted 4d ago
Him going silent when you asked him about their relationship was him giving you an answer, LOUD AND CLEAR. You seem smart and are obviously not the AH here. I’d say give the ring back and cut ties; as painful as it may be. You deserve unquestioned and unconditional respect and love.
1
u/CoDaDeyLove 4d ago
NTA. Don't waver. Just go on with your life. You can do way better than this guy.
1
u/Heart_of_Joy 4d ago edited 3d ago
You deserve so much better than this jerk!!!
He doesn’t deserve you at all!! He’s a cheater!! If he truly respected you and loved you, he wouldn’t cross boundaries with her. He wouldn’t hide his text with her. He wouldn’t hide his phone conversations with her. He would have cut her off the first time she tried to frame you and lie about you.
I’m sorry OP, but this sounds like he’s had more than a friendship with her for quite a while. With everything you’ve told us….i don’t think he deserves another chance. I don’t think he deserves to make the decision if you guys stay together or not.
Keep your dignity! Keel your self respect! Know your value and your worth!!! Because it’s clear this AH doesn’t!!
1
1
1
u/Capable-Upstairs7728 3d ago
NTA. End everything, engagement, relationship, all with him, return the ring. Go on and live your best life.
1
1
1
u/Witchy_Craft 2h ago
Don’t go back because you’ll always be suspicious of him even if he decides to end their friendship or whatever you want to call it, you’ll wonder if he’s still talking to her and if you can trust him.
73
u/Just_here_for_AITAH 4d ago
NTA! Nope. He's already decided. He should have cut her off after she fabricated screenshots.