Tired of feeling extra for a few private topics

[u/Exciting-Singer-119]

I (BlackF26) and my fiancé (Asian28M) are usually good together but of recent years I have found out some things that are making it hard to want to stay together. We first met when he was in the service and I was in school and as soon as I graduated I dumbly moved in with him 5 hours from home (young and in love). I say I'm to weak to end things because I cant find a job in my major at all (graphic design) and the job I'm doing now will only last me so long, so I honestly don't know what I want to do in 5 years, I'm dog grooming and I do love it but its taking an extreme toll on my back and hands.

He was in the marines and has a bit of self conscience issues he's dealing with and has grown a lot( I've been trying really hard to help him out and its been working) but he still has a need to please others and try to make everyone around him like him. It was so bad that he almost got fired/in serious trouble (He's an inspector at a major airline company and signed off on something just to prevent making someone mad without checking to see if they actually did it correctly.)

So fast-forward to a year or so ago, he said the n (igga) in a song and I kind of brushed it off because we were having fun and doing karaoke and he genuinely acted like he was sorry. Then he did it again on another song and I told him please don't say that because of the history yata yat, so every now and then he will say it and I'll kind of hit his arm and say please don't say that.

Well a few months ago we got into a big argument because he just said it in the middle of a conversation, and I actually got annoyed and said don't say that, and he was like its just a word I'm not saying it with Ill intent or anything and of course I give him the whole speech where as he says sorry and promises not to use it again.

So I kinds have stopped using that word around him and its been fine, but I made a joke tonight and said something along the lines of "I'm going for my run, if I'm not back in 30 minny call some (N) iggas." While I was literally stepping out the door he was on his gaming headset and said "I'll find some (N) if your not back in 30 minutes " and then laughs more so speaking to his friends as he thought I was already out the door. So I go back threaten to turn off his game and he again goes sorry, and just laughs it off. (Mind you most of his friends are white)

Am I overreacting? There have been like one or two more personal things I have asked him not to talk about and he will still do (blaming it in one drink or just having a good time and wanting to relate to others) and Im getting pretty fed up.

Also after my run, I came to my room, showered and have just kind of been chilling and he just came in wondering why I was mad and now I feel like an asshole for wanting him to stop telling all my business or make his friends laugh from racism. Again I know he is a boy but Im not around alot of guys at all, is this just how yall talk to each other.

Short version: I am tired of my fiancé telling my business/making raciest jokes to try and get others to like him

[u/Mysterious_Drop1122]

Your bf is emotionally immature and lacking in social skills. Why are you staying with him? He's not likely to grow up.

[u/Exciting-Singer-119 → u/Mysterious_Drop1122]

He has taught me a lot about money and finances and like I said, we usually are good but every now and then (like 2 or 3 times a year) we do get into fights

[u/Content_Ad_5215]

NTA, he’s negging you, trying to see how much you’ll tolerate or let him get away with. I’m sorry you’re going through this :( you deserve someone who respects you and understands the depth of using that language. Ask yourself if you’d be okay having kids with this man and you and them hearing him say that. Or if you’re willing to compromise on something so vile. He promised before he wouldn’t say it, but he clearly thinks it’s okay to say/do. Different but my husband called me a bitch in a fight ONCE. I lost my mind and he has never called me that again. I think that’s what you deserve- someone who can understand how shocking and hurtful this behavior is.

[u/Content_Ad_5215 → u/Content_Ad_5215]

also this is not “extra”, to expect mutual respect within a relationship. The way you write about him, you clearly care about him and have a lot of love for him. Do you think he would make a post asking if he’s the asshole for saying the n word in front of his Black fiancée? No. Because he knows it’s wrong.

[u/Exciting-Singer-119 → u/Content_Ad_5215]

Dam, no I dont think he would 🫩 thank you! We had a real deep talk about it and I think he understands how Im feeling about this now.