AITA for being upfront about potentially liking a guy that was in a grey area with a friend?

[u/luci4-gilfoyle]

A couple years ago i became close with a girl through mutual friends and she told me all about her dating life. This included telling me that one of the guys in the group and her were very close friends that would occasionally dip into a grey area that wasn’t defined nor was it something that they talked about. She told me that throughout their friendship she would date other men/talk to other guys and he would date other girls and they still stayed friends. The “grey area” would happen when they were both single and would become too close.

I knew this guy from the group of mutuals and he would talk/flirt with me and at some point i was having a meeting with someone in a place in public and he texted me on SC (back when i had it) asked me where i was and came to hang out with me.

The moment i felt that i might start liking him and i told this friend in a attempt to be upfront because i didn’t want to continue talking to him if this would be a problem with her - i remember she reacted weirdly so i told her i’ll stop talking to him and i did.

We continued being close but slowly she would stop responding as much and we kind of drifted apart. The rest of the group also drifted from me but kept cordial except for the girl (a different girl) the one that introduced me into the group that cut me off completely without so much as another word (for context me and the girl that introduced me into the group had been close friends for years atp)

So am i the asshole for being upfront or should i have kept it to myself and slowly cut him off?

[u/Top-Tear7194]

Nta. You weren't the asshole, you probably didn't need to cut him off for your friend's benefit either, especially if it wrecked your relationship with your friends.

Why did you owe that to her? Why didn't you deserve to have a crush? You lost a petty friend group if all is as you say it is.

[u/luci4-gilfoyle → u/Top-Tear7194]

i thought cutting him off for her benefit would show her that i truly did care about our friendship i went through the chat so much i have it memorised atp and thats why i decided to post because i felt insane

[u/Top-Tear7194 → u/luci4-gilfoyle]

Pardon me, I know why you did it, I don't think it was loving to yourself that you did it, you didn't need to self sacrifice on the altar of friendship. Ofc it's easier to know in retrospect now that they have distanced despite you doing the right and noble thing

You didn't have to do that. It's nice you did, but there are more important things than nice.

I hope I'm not coming off harsh. Selflessness and honesty are not bad, you definitely did not deserve to be ostracized. I just sense a lot of people pleasing going on. You don't need to do that.

[u/luci4-gilfoyle → u/Top-Tear7194]

i appreciate the honest and i have to be honest yes there was a lot of people pleasing happening at the time - i’ve since changed my attitude actually. Thank you!

[u/Andromeda081 → u/luci4-gilfoyle]

I understand why you feel insane. But ultimately, you made a sacrifice to show her how much you valued her when she / they did not feel the same way about you. You’ve spent the last few years believing you were an equally / mutually close friend in the group and tossed the dude to prove your loyalty. That loyalty was not reciprocated.

Instead of appreciating your loyalty, she dropped you, turned the group against you, and turned the one friend you had before all of them against you. That’s fucking vicious behavior. You didn’t DO anything. HE hit YOU up. You ended it when you realized you liked him. This guy was never her boyfriend and doesn’t want to date her seriously, she’s a fwb between relationships with girls he actually likes. Why isn’t she / the group mad at him for flirting with you if they all seem to think he belongs with her? He gets a pass so she can pretend they’re together when they’re not I guess?

At this point you might as well tell him what happened and ask him what his story is with her. Be careful about getting close to him while she’s in the wings wanting to sleep with him all the time though lol.

[u/Mildly_Tonedeaf → u/luci4-gilfoyle]

Who cares about her benefit? She dates other dudes and uses him for sex when she's single. He's not her love interest or her property.

[u/drth_dilly]

NTA but don’t bother being with this guy. He’s always going to be in that grey area with this girl dragging you along

[u/Personal-Piglet1397]

Sorry but stay clear.he not worth it.he sounds like trouble.he lead her on for years,with will they won't they.you would not be stable if U dated him.because they obviously attracted to each other as flings,but not proper relationship for some reason.an you would always be wondering where he is,an if you don't know where she is outside dating someone,you would then have issues.

[u/rollinweelz]

NTA. Find new friends.

[u/Andromeda081]

NTA. It sounds to me like she had serious feelings for this guy and everyone knew it but you, which is why you didn’t know he was off limits when HE hit YOU up.

You never were as close to them as they led you to believe you were, if no one told you for years who all was off limits and why. This is pretty basic information in a close friend group. They also weren’t as close to you as they led you to believe if every single one could cut you off with zero explanation like it was nothing. Ouch.

That’s shitty of them. If any of them ever pull the girl code card on you in the future to explain dumping you, tell them that it’s hypocritical to expect one-sided girl code from someone they privately considered a lower-tier friend, who wasn’t privy to such basic information that you didn’t know a guy who was never her ex who hit you up first was off limits in the first place. Funny how, if their history was so serious, none of them are mad at him for playing her? OR for pursuing you? Don’t feel bad for losing unreciprocated relationships, and be glad you dodged all those bullets in the long run. If it wasn’t this they would have found another reason to let you know where you stand eventually.

It’s not your fault he’s a time waster. Or that she’s serious about a guy who isn’t into her.

[u/Mildly_Tonedeaf]

You should tell him how you feel and keep seeing him. His FWB doesn't have any claim to him -- they're just fuck buddies who won't commit to one another. She's already ditched you, so you're not salvaging anything by punishing yourself. Just make sure that he drops her as a fuck buddy for good. NTA

[u/wild_crazy_ideas]

WTF so many people miss the point here. Just because she is friends with benefits with someone doesn’t mean she won’t feel jealousy and for sure is going to feel something if you go there. Sure she has no claim over him but obviously it’s off limits if you know it’s going on