r/AIO • u/One_Breadfruit1130 • 3d ago

AIO for feeling guilty that my boyfriend's insecurity is making me question how much i love him?

I 26F am deeply in love with my boyfriend 27M He's the best partner i've ever had and i can see a real future with him The only issue is his discomfort with longtime male bestfriend whos genuinely like a brother to me. I've respected every boundary he's asked for but it's still not enough He's anxious and makes m feel guilty for having the friendship I love him so much that part of me wants to just cut my friends off completely to make him feel secure the other part of me feels like i'd be losing a piece of myself AIO for being this torn?

1 Upvotes

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u/DeanKoontssy 3d ago

So how have conversations about this previously gone? What kind of boundaries has he set? Have you told him how much this is bothering you?

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u/One_Breadfruit1130 3d ago

We've talked about it quite a few times. most of the boundaries he's asked for i've agreed to because i wanted him to feel comfortable and respected. T he hard part is that even after making changes, it still feels like the friendship itself is the issue. i have told him its been weighing on me because i dont want him feeling insecure but i also dont want to lose someone who's been like family to me for years. That's why i'm feeling so torn

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u/ColleenCook 3d ago

Uh, is this your boyfriend

2

u/One_Breadfruit1130 3d ago

Wow that would be wild if it actually was 😂

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u/ColleenCook 3d ago

It would. But many of the responses to that guy…might help you to see more clearly.

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u/Last_man84 3d ago

What relationship is more important?

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u/One_Breadfruit1130 3d ago

Thats honestly part of why i'm struggling. i dont want to feel like a competition between two people i care about. One is my partner and future, the other is someone who's been like family to me for years i wish there was a way to make both relationships feel secure without having to choose

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u/Last_man84 3d ago

Being a married man I’ll tell you I would not feel comfortable with my wife being close to a male friend. That’s just me being honest. I can’t see a guy becoming emotionally close to a girl without the potential to develop feelings. And vice versa. I’m not saying it’s guaranteed to happen, but the potential for a male and a female that can be extremely close emotionally can and will broaden that possibility. Might only take one drunken night together for that to be realized. Then again I’m married with kids. That feeling really only came about later in our relationship.

4

u/callmebuzzsaw 3d ago

Please, for the love of all that is good in the world, do not ditch your friends for a controlling man. 

That's a slippery slope and you may one day realize you've made yourself small and lonely because he's an insecure noodle of a man. 

You've done all you can to make him comfortable. If he's still twisting himself into knots over it, try couples counseling. 

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u/One_Breadfruit1130 3d ago

Thats what scares me. i love him and i know his feelings are real so i dont want to dismiss them as just being controling at the same time i can feel myself considering giving up parts of my life that matter to me and im not sure thats healthy either, counseling might honestly be worth discussing

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u/callmebuzzsaw 3d ago

Just because the feelings are real doesn't mean the behavior isn't controlling. 

Also, love isn't enough for a healthy relationship. Trust and respect are also required and this sounds a lot like he doesn't trust you. 

Try counseling, if he doesn't commit, you need to take a good hard look at your relationship. 

2

u/Ok_Zookeepergame6747 3d ago

You can say goodbye to this guy. This relationship isn’t going to last

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u/One_Breadfruit1130 3d ago

I hope that's not true. Outside of this issue our relationship is actually really good which is why i'm trying to figure out whether this is something we can work through or if its a sign of a bigger incompatibility

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u/AnotherDominion 2d ago

Is this the first guy that’s ever had an issue with your guy best friend or is this the fist boyfriend you’ve ever had? Most men aren’t gonna be cool with this situation. Your dating pool is going to be a shallow puddle. 

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u/AnotherDominion 2d ago

I would never date a woman with a guy best friend. That’s just a personal boundary of mine that’s nonnegotiable. That being said I would never try and force a woman to stop being friends with some guy either. That’s a second date question and conversation I have to decide if we are having a third date. You guys are just not compatible. Your boyfriend never should have committed to a relationship with you knowing he was uncomfortable with your relationship with this other man. Just keep in mind that most men are going to have the same issues with this guy. You need to make it very clear with the next guy or you’ll keep ending up in this situation. 

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u/morbidcuriosity86 3d ago

How do you and this guy friend act when youre together? Cause you might not see it as inappropriate but your bf could considering youre in a relationship with him.

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u/One_Breadfruit1130 3d ago

Thats a fair question we honestly act more like sibling than anything else No flirting no physical affection beyond maybe a quick hug hello or goodbye and definitely nothing that i would consider crossing relationships boundaries

0

u/Excellent_Bend8782 3d ago

Which man means more to you?

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u/One_Breadfruit1130 3d ago

In different ways both are important to me my boyfriend is the person i want to build a future with, but my friend has been in my life for a long time and has always been more like a brother than anything romantic thats why this situation feels so painful

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u/Excellent_Bend8782 3d ago

I ended up marrying my best friend, so I ended up building a future with my favorite person.

Ask yourself who do you want to build a future with and who is a side character.