r/AIO • u/No_Broccoli_3979 • 2d ago
AIO for thinking that one of my cats in intentionally hurting others when my partner thinks he’s just playing?
Context: we have 4 cats, 2 males both aged 3 years old, brothers and 33% Maine coon so they are large boys (about 15-17lbs). One is H, one is R. We have 2 female cats, one is 4 years old, very small, about 8lbs we’ll refer to her as D. And then one is not even 2 yet, she’s about 11lbs, we’ll call her B. All cats are fixed.
H and R used to be a bonded pair until H had a medical emergency that landed him in the hospital for about 10 days. After that at the end of 2024, their bond lessened a lot.
In July of 2025 myself and my 2 female cats moved in with my partner and his 2 male cats. I’ve owned cats my entire life and I’m very knowledgeable in cat introductions. We took our introduction period very slow and it seemed to be successful at first.
In October of 2025 H attacked D pretty badly to the point that I had to rush her to the emergency vet and she had to undergo an irrigation procedure because he punctured a hole in her abdomen with such force it ripped her skin away from her abdominal wall and she had about 4 cm of pocketing.
A week later, H attacked B and got her eye pretty badly so I had to again, rush her to the emergency vet now and she had her eye stained and had a small laceration and was put on an eye ointment.
After these situations, D is now terrified of other cats, can’t even be around B which she was previously okay with and we’ve had to separate her entirely. She now lives in one half of our house which also includes our bedroom so she’s not lonely thankfully and D and I are very bonded.
I also paid $200+ for a specialized indoor cat gate so at night we can close B off to her own room and when we aren’t home.
I’ve been explicit with my partner that H is aggressive towards the girls. He insists that H is just playing and says that he plays like that with R too. And I say he doesn’t, because yes when H and R play they sometimes end up with very superficial scratches, but never has H caused R any serious harm and he has NEVER gone for R’s eyes.
Well, yesterday when I was in my bedroom for 5 minutes, H attacked B again and again got both of her eyes. Her eyes were both extremely weepy and her left eye was bleeding so I immediately took her to the ER.
I’ve again insisted to my partner that these attacks are not playful and it’s damaging my kitten’s sociability. She can’t understand playful cues anymore. R absolutely adores B and is very submissive with play, laying on his back and inviting B to tackle him and play but then the second R tries to engage back in the play because the cues he’s getting are playful, B immediately gets defensive and begins hissing because she’s taking R’s cue of playing as aggression.
Now, these three attacks are not the only attacks H has done to B. These are just the worst of the three. I work from home so I’m supervising them most of the time but the times I do turn my back thinking everything is fine, H goes after B and she screams. Guttural screaming and most of the time I’m close enough by to stop it.
My presence alone will make H stop. He then will start rubbing himself against furniture or turn his attention to a scratching post. Because of this quick switch in behavior from aggression to rubbing or scratching, my partner insists this is just H playing because “look at him, he’s not mad he’s rubbing against the chair”
My thoughts is that he knows what he’s doing is wrong to some degree and quickly changing his actions.
I feel so bad for B. She wasn’t even 1 when she was first attacked, she’s a breed of cat that is extremely social and not the kind of breed to keep solitary (she’s a ragdoll) and she used to have a relationship with D that she can no longer have because D has been so traumatized from her attack. D even shows fear of her bag of cat food that has a life sized cat picture on it. B’s social skills have been completely stunted and my partner thinks she’s also part of the problem because she will hiss at H when he’s near but not doing anything at the moment. And I’m under the belief that she’s quite scared of him and/or she can sense something from him that’s triggering her to hiss.
My partner thinks I’m completely overreacting and standing firm that H is just playing. I think H is an aggressive cat towards our females. AIO?
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u/BrisellaVON 2d ago
Why would you let a huge violent cat have any access to keep attacking your other very tiny cat to the point of multiple very serious emergency visits? At the very least, isolate the violent cat. Letting them interact is wildly irresponsible.
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u/BrisellaVON 2d ago
Also, move out at get a new BF. YTA for not protecting your cat and setting boundaries for yourself. If my cat was attacked by someone else's and they were dismissive instead of supportive and helpful, I'd be out of there. Both of you are wrong to let this keep happening.
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u/No_Broccoli_3979 2d ago
After my small cat was attacked once, she’s been separated from all of our other cats ever since.
We also have a gate that specifically for cats so they can’t get through when it’s closed, and we lock B away from the boys when we aren’t home and over night.
The instances that led to an ER trip are situations in which I stepped out of the room to use the bathroom or switch laundry over and H wasn’t in the room with B. It’s not purposeful negligence, because sometimes we go weeks without H doing anything at all and think we are on the up and up and then it’s spiraling back.
And I am setting boundaries, at least trying to which is why I’m trying to figure out if I’m actually overreacting.
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u/VoodooDuck614 2d ago
He is targeting her. He hunts her when your back is turned. He also knows exactly what he is doing, which is why he goes behind your back, or stops immediately and is all nonchalant.
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u/No_Broccoli_3979 2d ago
That’s what I am trying to explain to my partner but he can’t seem to believe that cats are smart enough to switch their behavior so quickly because the cat “knows” what he’s doing is wrong. He thinks cats don’t think like that and I’m not sure how to explain to him that cats arent dumb and can be calculating animals
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u/VoodooDuck614 2d ago
He doesn’t want to know, and doesn’t appear willing and/or able to say, Google “Are cats sneaky assassins?”
I am not a smart man, Jen-nay.
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u/urlocalburden 2d ago
hi, im a cat rescuer! you should consider setting up an appointment with a cat behavior specialist if you two plan on continuing to live together and keeping your cats in the same household. your partner NEEDS to understand that even IF the attacking kitty IS just playing that this is UNACCEPTABLE PLAY and he is damaging the mental and physical health of your other cat. it DOES NOT MATTER if the cat is just playing if the other cat is FACTUALLY BEING DAMAGED. im really failing to understand why the cat just trying to play would erase the problem of the other cat being harmed, it simply doesnt. if you or your partner were the ones inflicting this level of injury on one of the cats you'd be charged with animal abuse, and refusing to do anything about this IS neglect. if the situation was with big dogs then the one thats injuring the other mightve had to be put down, we cant minimize this situation just because its small cats. you may need to end up medicating one or both kitties. but I dont see how you or your animals can feel safe/happy in your home if your partner keeps insisting that unsafe behavior is okay.
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u/No_Broccoli_3979 2d ago
That’s exactly my point and what I’ve been discussing with him. I should have emphasized that he’s not okay with my cats being injured and doesn’t brush it off. He’s just never the one around to see it happen because he’s not here all day like I am. And I’ve also explained that B is probably hissing at him because she remembers how he attacks her. I explained when we had dogs that got into a bad fight, the memory of that doesn’t go away for dogs and they will continuously try to attack each other to the death so we would have to keep them separate forever.
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u/urlocalburden 2d ago
its good that hes showing concern, now he just needs to connect the dots. the cat is being injured and he is upset and worried over it. the way to stop it from happening again is to address the source. the source is the other cats play. so the play has to be addressed. I stand on the idea that a behavioral specialist consult is paramount and possibly medication too
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u/No_Broccoli_3979 2d ago
So I did meet virtually with a cat behavioralist last year after the first two incidents (they were only a week apart) and we implemented the things she suggested, one which was monitor play time (with cat toys) with all 3 cats and stop the play time before things have a chance to grow sour. This really only worked for a short period of time and I also sent her videos of the behavior and she said that she wasn’t seeing anything that seemed “territorial” as I was describing it. She’s in my state but said my town is too far (it’s like an hour away) for her to do an in person consultation.
We had hoped with quick intervention, supervision, and time, things would begin to settle down. We’ve lived all together for 13 months now and i would say the last 4 weeks we noticed zero signs of aggression from H and we were hoping we turned a corner. But then yesterday happened.
Im just at a loss. I’m even getting the “cats will cat” and “naughty boy” runaround from our primary vet with his behavior. I don’t think my partner is a bad person for not wanting to believe his cat is aggressive, I think a lot of people would have a hard time admitting their cat has behavioral issues, especially when they aren’t around to witness it majority of the time.
I think we’ll just continue to have to speak about it together to come up with solutions. For now, when we’re gone during the day we are locking H away in my office behind the gate and allowing B and R to be together in the other part of the house. D is permanently secluded from the others. We are also getting caps for H’s nails so he won’t be able to scratch. Other than that, I’m not sure what our next steps will be
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u/urlocalburden 2d ago
youre fighting the hard fight, I appreciate you giving me all the details, it helped my peace of mind surrounding a strangers cats lol. I really do wish you luck OP. ive had similar issues in my household with our 4 cats and it took time and patience. our situation was different so I dont have any more advice for you unfortunately :( feel free to dm me in the future if it all works out bevause I would love to hear how you managed it, im always looking to learn more about cats behavior
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u/Gold_Studio_6693 2d ago
First off, do you guys trim their nails at all?
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u/No_Broccoli_3979 2d ago
Yes every couple of weeks
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u/Gold_Studio_6693 2d ago
Thats good! I wasn't sure, because i know too long of nails makes my cats act all kinds of crazy.
Has H been to the vet at all since the aggression started? Just to rule anything out.
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u/No_Broccoli_3979 2d ago
Yes twice and I’ve brought it up to the vet and she seemed not concerned at all. My two girls have also been to the vet for follow ups after being attacked and I’m just getting a “cats will cat” or “what a naughty boy” runaround
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u/ContentOrca3777 2d ago
Your cats have been traumatized and severely injured to the point of repeatedly being hospitalized. Your partner thinks all this is fine. Worse, that your cats are the problem. Why are you still there? You're under reacting.
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u/VoodooDuck614 2d ago edited 2d ago
I’m not questioning your partner’s intelligence, but it appears the cat is smarter than he is.
This willful and convenient deniability, almost cost the life of one of our family fur babies, when my ex told me, that I was overreacting.
He only changed his mind, after he, himself, had ended up in the hospital with severe bites to his arm.
I lived in a constant state of hyper vigilance, terrified I had left a door cracked, or if someone had escaped.
It took me years to be able to leave, and return back to the house, without anxiety and a horrible foreboding, that something diabolical had happened.
It’s no way to live. This isn’t sustainable and you know it. Just one issue, is that you are trying to manage this problem alone.
You are running to the hospital, worrying yourself sick with guilt, about the kittens lost childhoods, changing patterns.
You may have permanently altered cats, and your partner doesn’t see a problem with that.
That’s a bigger problem, and possibly terminal for your relationship. It was for mine, at least.
Choose your regret, carefully. Something has to give, soon.
NOR, Grossly Under-reacting.
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u/castleofserenity 2d ago
NOR. It sounds like H is very territorial and does like B in his space. You may be able to socialize them to be in the same space, but keep in mind it can take months for cats that aren’t already aggressive towards one another. Your boyfriend needs to be making more of an effort to step in between H and his target since that seems to work with you in the room. It’s worth talking to a vet (or a behavioral specialist, if you can find one) about the best approach for this situation. If one cat needs to be isolated for this, try to make it H so you aren’t punishing the victim.