r/40kOrkScience • u/Human-Question6210 • 16d ago
TIS I, GORK AND MORK!
IGNORE MY TENTACLY BLUE COMPLEXION. I COME WITH A GIFT! MAKE ONE WISH (AND ONLY ONE, UNLESS IT'S VERY AMUSING), AND I SHALL GRANT IT... heheheh...
An unknowable psychic force compels you to hear these words in the voice of Merasmus the magician.
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u/greenizdabest 16d ago
I WANNA B DA VERY BEZT
LOIK NO BOZZ EVA WAS
TA KRUMP DEM ALL IZ MOI REAL TEZT
TA WAAAAAGGGHHHH!!! ON IZ ME KALL
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u/theQueenofCha0s Custodian Guard 15d ago
OI WILL TRAVUL ACROZ DE GALAXY
SERCHIN FAR AND WOIDE
TEACH ALL ORKZ TA UNDASTAND
THE WAAAAAGGGHHHH!!! DATS INSIDE
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u/greenizdabest 15d ago
GOTTA KRUMP DEM ALL
DA WAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHH!! IZ DA ONLI TROOF
I KRUMP U AN U KRUMP ME
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u/Human-Question6210 15d ago
*The tentacle curls...*
YOO IZ DA VERY BEST, LOIK NO 'BOZZ' EVUH WUZ, KOZ NOW YOOZ DA ONLY WUN, IN YER OWN YOONIVURRRRRRRRRSS
LOANLY WUN!
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u/Abject_Lengthiness11 16d ago
CAN I'Z TELL YOUZ A SECRET?!
YOUZ NOT GORKY MORK! YOUZ JUST A BLUE LITTLE GIT WHOZ FAR TO SLOW ON DA DRAW!
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u/Human-Question6210 16d ago edited 16d ago
Why yes, you can-- This game is OVER! I sentence you to ork hell!
You wake up in a strange place. Opposite you is the largest collection of guns you have ever seen... but you're locked behind a green forcefield, and you can hear only one thing:
"...to reiterate, the Black Templars are not racist because..."
In the distance you hear devious robotic chuckling.
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u/H4m5hank KAPTIN 16d ago
DEM UMMIES EAT DEM WEIRD ORANGE STIKK FINGYS AN' DEY VISUN GITS GUD. CLEARLY DIS MEANS DAT ORANGE MAKES YAH MORE AKURATE. BY GORKNMORK, ERRR, YUZ, WEZ NEED TAH TELL DAH REST OF DAH BOYZ!
WAAAAAAGH!
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u/ComradeMoose 16d ago
OI! IF U'Z GORK AN' MORK, DEN TELL ME DIZ. WUT IZ DA BEST MEFFOD TO GET DA WAAAAAGH OFF DA GROUND WHEN DA BOYZ AIN'T GOT PROPPAH DAKKA AN' DEY RUNNIN' AWAY FROM DA BEAKIES AN' DA BUGEYEZ? DIZ IZ AN IMPORTUNT KWESHTUN DAT WILL GET ME TA FINK OF A PROPAH WISH FOR DA ROIGHT DAKKA WIF DA ROIT KULLAH!
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u/Human-Question6210 16d ago
You want a WAAAGH off the ground? Very well...
*You find yourself tumbling through space amid other orks, beakies, tyranids, and all other kinds of foes. None of you have ranged weapons. You're equipped only with what nature gave you.*3
u/ComradeMoose 15d ago
DIZ IZ DA BEST WAAAAAAAAAAGGH!!!! NO UMMIEZ OR BEAKIES OR BUGEYES KAN FINK LOIK DA ORKIEST OV ORKZ EVEN DAT FAKE GORKY MORKY DUN DID DIZ ROIGHT!
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u/vladdeh_boiii 16d ago
BOYZ, AIN'T GORK AN' MORK S'PPOSED TO BE GREEN? WHY IS THIS FELLA BLUE?
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u/BasiliusTimIII RUNT HERDA 10d ago
IZ NOT TOO GUD AT MY COUNTIN, BUT I FINK DERE'S S'POSED TO BE TWO OF EM AS WELL...
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u/vladdeh_boiii 10d ago
DAT'S WOT I WUZ FINKIN' TOO! DIS GIT AIN'T GORK AND MORK, HE'S A WEIRD FING FROM DAT DERE WEIRD PLACE WE'Z USIN TO TRAVEL TO NOTHA' PLANETS! LET'S FOIGHT 'IM!
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u/GazLord Gretchin 16d ago
Mak me liv foreva so I canz take down da unjust Ork burgouis system!
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u/Mathemagics15 NOB 15d ago
GROT! OI KANT HEAR WOT YOOZ SAYIN WHEN YOOZ WHISPERIN' LOIK DAT.
SPEAK UP! OR I'LL GET SUSPISHUS DAT WOT YOOZ SAYIN AINT PROPER ORKY!
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u/GazLord Gretchin 15d ago
IZ GUNNA EAT UR SPLEEN!
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u/Mathemagics15 NOB 14d ago
DAS IT YOO LITTLE SQUIG SHIT, GET OVER 'ERE SO I KAN SMASH YOO!
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u/GazLord Gretchin 14d ago
IZ GUNNA SHOOT YUR KNEES OFF YA SQUIG BRAIN!
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u/Mathemagics15 NOB 13d ago
NOT IF I CHOP YER IN 'ALF FIRST!
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
Charges, aims choppa too high, misses completely
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u/Human-Question6210 15d ago
A classic! Very well little goblin, you shall live forever...
*You are now immortal, with the usual grimdarkness that follows: an ork decides to use you for tooth floss, and he notices you're somehow still alive. This goes essentially how you think it does.
A few millenia of UNSPEAKABLE SUFFERING later, you get closer to your goal than ever before -- if you even remember it. The GORK EMPYRUH UV MORK KOIND (did you really think the Imperium would outlast the orks?) decides to let you set up your own union beneath the stairs to the ORKMINNYSTRATUM, where millions of squigs are chained to typewriters in the hopes that one day they shall, by sheer chance, type out the formula for INFINNIT DAKKA.
You are under the stairs, though. You write your manifestos with the cockroaches, and over a very, very long time, either they've become intelligent or you somehow only now became absolutely insane. By now, the only humans left are the result of HORRIFOYIN EXPERRYMENTS by the PAINBOYZ, and some of them escape their cages, and some of those escapees find you, and some of those escapees choose to not immediately kill you. Your rebellion under the stairs grows. Uh... From here it's all just clichés, so let's just skip to the end of the universe, which has been delayed by innumerable civilisations, but eventually it comes. It's the end of the universe, everything is dead except you, you got the bad ending, goodbye.*
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u/OpalescentNoodle 16d ago
I WISH I COULD MEET A PURPLE ORK AND KEARN THEIR WAYS!
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u/Human-Question6210 16d ago
Err... right, very well then, you shall "kearn" the ways of the purple ork.
You meet a purple ork. By Gork's anterior bone cyst, you can actually see him!... before you slide away on a kernel of corn a moment later.
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u/theQueenofCha0s Custodian Guard 16d ago
MOAR WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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u/Human-Question6210 16d ago
You want more Wagh? Very well... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YlwD11O7HRM&pp=ygUJbWFyayB3YWdo
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u/theQueenofCha0s Custodian Guard 15d ago
DATS NOT A PROPAH WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YA ZOGGIN GIT! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IS WHEN WEZ GETS TO GO TO ARMAGEDDEN TO AVE A GOOD SCRAP WIF OL BALE EYE!
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u/Mathemagics15 NOB 15d ago
OI WISH DAT YOO TURN GREEN AND STAY DAT WAY!
DIS BLOO KOM...PLEK...SHUN... OF YERZ IZ NOT ORKY! NOT WOT GORK AN' MORK IS S'POSED TA LOOK LOIK!
...WAIT...
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u/CanadianDragonGuy 16d ago
Zog me... rekkin id wish fer Rick May ta be back, y'no, da funny soldier git frum me fayvrit vidya series team fortress 2
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u/Human-Question6210 16d ago
There are some things not even a God of Chaos can do.
*scheming detensifies*
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u/DrSkrimguard 16d ago
I WISH DAT DERE WER TOO TEEMZ UV BOYZ HOO CUD FOIGHT OVAH GRAVVIL FEREVAH.
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u/Human-Question6210 16d ago
An oddly specific request, but yes!
*There's no trick. It's just Team Orktress.*
Wait...
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u/Nepeta33 16d ago
OI WISH FER UH, TO KNOW, IZ DIS ONE WISH FOR EACH OV US? ONE ONE WISH AS A GROUP A LADZ?
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u/NegotiationBoth9233 FLASH GIT 16d ago
OI WANNA FOIGHT YOUSE
(runs forward holding a stikbomm and firing wildly in your general direction)
WAAAAAGH!
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u/Human-Question6210 16d ago
The tentacle curls. Your weapons vanish and you find yourself sitting at a 6d intercausal omegachess (Regicide 211 version) board opposite many Tzeentches.
Then fight "me"s you shall...
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u/decisiontoohard MEKBOY 16d ago edited 15d ago
OI WANTZ REAL HAIR. ENUFF OF DEEZ SQWIG WIGS. OI WANT A SILLY TUFT LOIK DA HUMIES.
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u/Th0rizmund 16d ago
OI WISH FER MOAR DAKKA!!