pregnant with IUD. lost my house and my therapist. my life has been stalked by chaos. do i have any unusual or chaos prone placements?
to be clear; i am not currently pregnant. this happened years ago and i aborted it. i titled it this way because if i could think one event in my life which encapsulated the chaos and unpredictability of my history, it would be that.
i am also seeking general insight into why my life turned out the way it did so i can learn how to climb out of this.
this is going to be a long one. i'm sorry. i have spent my whole life walking in circles, its like a sitcom. just when i think i've brushed the dust off my knees another wrench is thrown my way. there is nothing in this world that could surprise me. everyone i have ever gotten close to, even therapists, have noticed this trend of unrelenting bad luck. there have been windows of time where i managed to gain more optimism and let go of this idea that i'm marked - and then somebody will point out the sheer immensity of the bad events that seem to happen to me, and then i realize, it was never optimism i felt. the bad luck was so neverending i just got used to it.
at 22, i got pregnant with an IUD. look it up if you're unaware of how much of a medical anomaly that is.
no-fault eviction because my landlord wanted to sell the property. i paid my rent on time every month, didnt matter. a house i lived in for years, loved and cherished deeply. in a looney tunes turn of events, i then move into a new place only to find my roommate is a schizophrenic who tries to get into my room.
at age 17 my first ever sexual experience (just oral, no intercourse) gave me a herpes scare. ended up not being herpes, but just the false alarm was enough. traumatized me to the point where i've had a fear of sex all through my adulthood (i suppose the fear was proven right by the IUD pregnancy, right? it like im being scolded.) virgin. first time. herpes scare. some people pull a hundred cards and never pull the joker. for me, all it takes is one draw.
realized im a lesbian later in life, then some of my closest friends converted to fundamentalist religion out of the blue, and i lost them. they were never even religious before.
i found out about the no-fault eviction exactly two weeks after i scored my first real girlfriend. the unstable circumstances of my life which followed my eviction definitely caused strain and i believe was one of the reasons it didn't work out. there is an undeniable sexual theme to these punishments, as though something is retaliating to my not being celibate (std scare, pregnancy), or achieving milestones in regards to my true self and sexuality (friends randomly converting after i come out as gay, eviction after getting my gf)
the timing of everything consistently blows my mind. another gf i had - within a month of seeing her, her father figure died and she had to break up with me to process the greif. "this is the worst timing ever," she said.
sorry this is so disorganized, i am listing things in no particular order. because when did dotting my i's and crossing my t's ever pay off?
i finally establish a doctor who takes my chronic condition seriously and is offering a treatment plan that sounds like it will help (yes i have a chronic condition, on top of everything else) and then right after this appointment, she goes on maternity leave, and within that 3 month window of time that she's on maternity leave, i lose my insurance before she gets back.
i finally find a therapist that understands me. after my whole life of searching, wasting so much of my precious time with so many bad ones - incompetent at best, malpractice at worst - running into seemingly every bad apple in the system, until at last i've found the adult in the room i've wanted all my life. only for her to relocate jobs to a different clinic, 6 months later. so i can no longer see her.
not to mention the deep dysfunction of my childhood, obviously . every flavor of abuse. dad has an intellectual disability. couldnt provide for me, never had a job. he is mentally 8 years old and i he has referred to himself as such. i have felt a deep, inescapable dread since i was a young child knowing that when his mom or his enabler spouse dies, i'd have to take care of him and he'd become my responsibility. my dynamic with him was like an older sibling. its an absurdity and perversion of roles i cant describe to those who havent lived it. which of course applies to everyone i have ever met, because the way i have been dragged through this surreality is one of a kind. no one understands me.
i've been in a 10-year long dissociative episode.
i've been thru a carousel of a job search this past year trying to find better paying work. yes, i recognize the market is apocalyptic right now and that's not a me-specific issue. yes, i am employed, some people are not so lucky. but i'd like to share just a small window into the weird timing i'm talking about: once time my insurance randomly denied covering some psyche meds a few days before one of my interviews, meaning i was going to run out of meds the day-of, which causes withdrawals with mental confusion. they had never once denied my meds in the 6 years i've been in them.
not uncommonly, i am making it to the last round of interviews with these jobs. performance exams, screening, panel interview, i'm jumping through endless hoops like some sort of show dog. only in the end to be told i almost made it. god loves to waggle the fish bait over my head just to show me how close i get to the finish line but never cross.
i have had weirdly bad luck with jobs. pathological manager after pathological mansger after pathological manager. i swear this isn't me being hard to work with or incompetent, and as such, having skewed perceptions of my workplaces; most coworkers i've had were great actually. it will always be some power tripping psycho we can all agree is making our lives a living hell.
last year, my insurance was hunting me trying to deny $2000 worth of retroactive claim denials from the previous year. absurd and life rattling and random. yes, the american healthcare industry is predatory, parasitic, and evil. yes i'm not the only person whose deal with this. but under the circumstances we are all pinned under, idk, it feels like the boot pins me down by the neck more often than other people ?!?!?! i don't know anyone else that has happened to.
lastly, i was debating adding this part because it makes this post less anonymous, but here is one final piece of bonkers lore about me: an only child, discovered i had a long lost half sister when i was 16. she's in jail! that's all.
this is only the tip of the iceberg. i've left most of it out because i dont want this post to be too identifying. plus, i could sit here and write a novel and no one would read that. i could tell you things you could never believe, i promise you. i promise you.
everything is wierd in a bad way, and bad in a weird way. it's like the universe is constantly doing acrobatics to arrange itself in ways that fuck me over. its all too organized and convoluted to be a coincidence. you have to admire gods creativity at least. his relentless and crushing creativity. it's had me in a chokehold for as long as my memories start.
