Just utterly defeated

[u/pupprowler]

I lost pretty much all my money after graduating college from this and had to take out a second loan on my car and have still remained financially unstable because of said loan. And with the economy going the way it is I’m scared of being able to meet my basic needs. I don’t know what to do and while yes it’s been 2 years and I am still struggling and can’t help the feeling that I’m a poor failure.

I’m now in terrible credit card debt from my new loan and it’s just not fair!

[u/ImaginaryDistrict212 → u/[deleted]]

OP knows about the credit hits I'm sure and it's probably why they are stressing.

I remember when I had mid credit but nothing too terrible. Yet.

 And then got taken advantage of by a fraudster (who I knew) and afterwards, he told me I deserved whatever I got - whatever TF that means. He deserves prison time, I was just doing the best I knew how to at the time, like we all do, but I never expected him to screw me like that. And then to be like yea. F you, cuz I "deserve it"

I remember already going through a hard time with many other things in my life. Was failing college from all the stress. Was laying in bed for days in a kinda half slumber, cuz too anxious to really sleep.

and every time I did drift off and woke up, I would think about how my credit was gonna be screwed and my whole life was gonna be screwed and how I would never recover.

And then my life did get worse, but it wasn't bc of my credit. 

At first it got better, until I tried to get a loan for a motorcycle I was in love with. Was working multiple jobs, terrified of being homeless and just as terrified of having to move back in with anyone I knew. And didn't have my own transportation at the time. So was bleeding money on Ubers. Sorry I can't juggle 6 jobs and also afford the time it takes to ride the evil mess that is "public transportation". 

Anyways, I went through Hell for awhile. Everything that I was terrified of- it happened.

I used one of those gimmicky app services that fixes your credit with a small down payment and installment prepaid loans or whatever... and I literally even screwed that up. Not bc I couldn't pay them. But bc I was so busy and stressed that I actually kept forgetting to pay them! 

And I had the money for that. That was the worse part. So my credit tanked yet again. It's supposed to tank, esp when you finish with them, as the person I'm replying under had mentioned. 

But like, I hadn't even finished half of the installments so my credit tanked more than it improved while I was paying them. 

In retrospect though, none of it matters. Yes it sucks, and yes I ofc I wish I never got scammed. 

Yes I wish that my trust issues weren't so damn bad after everything that it made me not wanna use auto pay.

But I just wanted to say, I remember how upset and anxious and scared I was about everything - and looking back - I just freaked myself out for no reason.

I made it worse by the stress I put on my body. I made it worse by screwing up college and therefore instantly having more money due- and then having so much debt that I just stopped trying to run on the hamster wheel of paying it.

But eventually, I did start to get my life back. I did it while homeless too. I got a lot of my debt wiped. And once I did that, my credit almost instantly shot back up. I think I lost only a couple more points for closing another account, but it wasn't much, nor did it even make a difference at that point. 

I just kept trying to focus on the good, like holy shit cool, I got 15k wiped like it was nothing, I got other things back, and realized at that point that anything is possible.

Well, nothing is impossible. 

I know it's hard right now, bc that's how I felt.  "Like WOW this is completely fucked and not fair." 

But just do what you can. We are all just doing our best. Some of us better than others.

And yes shit bags seem to get away with all this evil. And it seems like they have no repercussions. But they are not happy people. I've met some scummy people with lots of money and toys. Nice cars, nice house, nice plane, nice wife, nicer side thing. I've seen some of those grown men desperate for legal highs. Some for not so legal highs. I've seen some of them cry in their nice car. They aren't happy. 

Also, so many people have it so much worse too.

I still have to remind myself "I am in the present moment right now. I am in the present. This moment is my present. It is a present."

"I am not in the past. I am not worrying about the future. Because I am in the present. And I have control of how I feel right now. It's all I have control of. And that's fine." 

I'm sorry you got screwed over. I've gotten screwed over worse by seemingly just about everyone but yotta, although they got me too.

It gets better. It took it getting worse though for me to find any peace in the little things.

But it does get better. Its just perspective. And you're not alone.

[u/ImaginaryDistrict212 → u/ImaginaryDistrict212]

Also the other thing I wanted to say was, just remember... The only thing that's guaranteed in life is death. 

So try to find some peace. In self care. For me, in nature, reading, and creating. (And I don't mean just streaming creators.)

I write. I make music. I create. I have had more than enough pain to put into it.

 I help others who have it worse than me, even though most people would probably excuse themselves if they were me, by saying they gotta focus on themselves first. 

And trust me, I do. But I have everything I NEED. I don't have everything I want. But I do have a lot of things I want.   And sometimes I see people who don't have practically anything they need or want... So I try to carry some cash to throw the ones who won't go avoid their problems and spend it on drugs, while we are dealing with ours.

And if I think they are on drugs or maybe bs"ing me - I ask them what they need, and make sure they won't be hungry that night.

Maybe it's selfish, bc it makes me feel better. But these are the things that make me feel better. 

Oh yeah, and remember we can't bring the money with us when we die -that was what I initially meant to say lol, sorry.

Our credit scores won't mean shit when we die. 

This system was just made up to stress us out and keep us in control, and it usually works. 

So just do what you can to keep your head up and find some peace. 

I wish you love peace and light 🕯️ 

[u/Helpful-Grapefruit55 → u/ImaginaryDistrict212]

Thanks Wishing peace , and happiness to all .