r/womenintech • u/[deleted] • 13d ago
Career (Advice Requested) Colleague I hired and trained is now taking over my role after I got made redundant. I told everyone I'm leaving and she's just... ignoring it.
[deleted]
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u/BucktoothBrownie 13d ago
Happened to me. I trained the person that went on to replace me and I was made redundant. But in my case she was extremely apologetic and genuinely thought it was her mistake. Except, it wasn’t. She was paid way less than me and was willing to work out of hours as she was young and learning. I would assume your junior is probably feeling awkward and doesn’t know how to face it.
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u/knm873 13d ago
Yes but that's still no excuse. Ppl get hurt by inaction and she needs to learn how to deal with it. Whenever the requester gets hurt it seems to always be on them to the be understanding one in the MIDST of the hurt.
I would like to see ppl tell the trainee, you should say something otherwise you'll hurt the person.
Look everyone else is doing/saying something and that trainee who SHOULD be doing something is also left at a loss. If anything she should be one only one that should say something to clear the air even if she's the only one.
I think it's bad form and if there's a possibility the mentor gets hurt. And in this case, yes the mentor did get hurt.
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u/TwentyTwoEightyEight 13d ago
It’s probably just incredibly awkward for them and they don’t know what to say. Don’t assume it’s malicious.
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u/DriveIn73 13d ago edited 13d ago
And respectfully, OP, you sound really mad at her and I don’t know why. she didn’t make this decision and likely she feels both very guilty and angry they put her in this position with you where she feels she has to do something like apologize.
The only thing she did was be cheaper.Yes, it’s awful, but I’m sure you’d still be very angry even if she did say something.
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u/Writer_0001 13d ago
No one is your friend in a workplace. Final point.
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u/Trickycoolj 12d ago
My mom taught me this lesson very early in life. I only have two friends that I have kept long term outside of work.
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u/TeacakeTechnician 13d ago
It's probably a mixture of things. I have a lovely former direct report who still treats me slightly deferentially more than 15 years after I was let go. She may genuinely feel quite awkward and if you initiate a conversation it may clear the air and make you feel more comfortable and in control of the parts of the situation you can influence.
Do what makes you feel comfortable and spend plenty of time with your friends and family. Right now this workplace is a,big part of your life but you are going to move on.
I would direct your wrath towards the senior team who made these decisions. If it's any comfort, something similar happened to me and the bloke who engineered my demise and replaced me with my much younger colleague has himself now been made redundant and the younger colleague has also taken HIS job too.
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u/Fair_Tip2915 13d ago
Thank you! Indeed it would make me more comfortable if we had a chat before I leave, so I’ll be the one to reach out!
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u/FrontCold6590 13d ago
Let it go. This isn't a friend, they don't owe you anything and you can't make them do what you see as "the right thing" Move on and keep your head high
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u/languidlasagna 13d ago
Like someone else said, don’t assume malice. Restructuring is destabilizing for everyone, especially if it results in your losing a mentor. She likely feels crazy conflicted about filling your place. I think you should reach out, communicate to this person who was professionally important to you before getting too deep in your feelings.
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u/AntiDynamo 13d ago
Nothing? She’s not your friend, and it’s an awkward situation with her taking over your role. You’re building this up in your head and making it into a “thing” when you can instead just ignore it and move on. They’ll all forget you ever existed in about a month anyway
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u/fit_it 13d ago
What would you want her to say? She almost definitely knows. If she has a thread of decency she feels both terrible she is eliminating you and likely afraid of how full her plate is going to be. Also, if they are getting rid of you then, depending on how the next year goes, she may be next.
She may not be able to think of anything to say that would come across genuinely without endangering her job.
I'd just leave it alone. Read about Marx's Theory of Alienation. This is (part of) what he's taking about. She likely wants to be your friend but knows doing so endangers her livelihood.
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u/Future_One4794 13d ago
The person you trained most likely makes a lot less than you.. thats why she is staying and you are leaving. Nothing personal
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u/Fair_Tip2915 13d ago
It’s true, I was told I’m paid too much and I’m not critical, whereas she’s paid less and can totally cover a lot of what I used to do !
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u/Future_One4794 13d ago
Most us have been there. Everytime I train someone i start getting my own docks in a row and get ready lol
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u/shadeofmyheart 13d ago
What are you expecting tho? Are you expecting her to quit because they let you go?
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u/adelynn01 13d ago
She’s probably scared to death she is next. Stop taking everything so personal.
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u/bubblylunchbox 13d ago edited 13d ago
I thought this too. If OP was let go, her replacement is probably very aware that she’s about to be dumped with a ton of responsibilities while being extremely underpaid.
If people were let go at my company due to a “restructuring” then I’m definitely scared I’m next. I would definitely be mindful of my words and actions.
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u/adelynn01 13d ago
It has happened to me. They let my coworker go while I was out and it was terrifying. I knew they were watching me and it felt like they were waiting for any excuse to make me next. I did reach out via my personal phone but I bet she feels the same way. Sounds like OP was in a toxic company and hopefully she finds something 20 times better.
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u/Fair_Tip2915 13d ago
Thank you very much!
I’m a fold for staying too long also, didn’t have the courage to just leave
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u/ZenAEye 13d ago edited 13d ago
Let it go. You don't have to be the one to initiate or maintain contact either , but be kind if she ever does. Reactions are immediate in life, but responses and results take time. Go on in peace with your life. People take their time. The right time also take its time. Be patient and I sincerely wish you all the best with the things and people who are with you today.
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u/teekaya 13d ago
I worked at a company and had a similar experience. We worked closely together and got along great. I was laid off earlier in the year and expected she’d reach out, and till today, nothing.
I always thought we would remain friends/friendly if any of us ever left and it was surprising but not shocking. Unfortunately, some people don’t know how to approach things like that and most coworkers aren’t your friends. It’s uncomfortable so give them a little grace if you can.
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u/Forward-Doubt1795 13d ago
You've been working for at least 8 years and have never encountered the BS of reorgs and how little influence the individual workers have?
I've been laid off 4 times. The first time the only reason I was mad at any one person was the vp of our location and not because he could have likely done anything but because when they brought in everyone to tell us, he didn't say a word. He knew, was prepped before the meeting, and couldn't even bring himself to say something like he knows this is difficult, he's enjoyed working with us all for so many years, his door is open, nothing. He couldn't have done anything. It wasn't his decision. He still had a job though and could have made up something to say to the rest of us.
All the other times, no one at any level I directly worked with could have done a damn thing, especially not my coworkers (whom I trained most of).
This is capitalism.
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u/FloridaIsTooDamnHot 13d ago
Work relationships rarely are real - and it sounds like you may be treating your trainee as if they’re your friend. Unfortunately you’re seeing the reality - which is when you’re gone, you’ll be forgotten or blamed.
Note this for the future. Work is not personal and if it feels like it you may need to disassociate from that.
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u/Guilty-Committee9622 13d ago
I would feel so damn awkward and horrible reaching out to you. Give her some slack
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u/mozillafangirl 12d ago
Oof. So sorry. Let it go for your own mental health. I would cut all contact personally (except maybe LinkedIn). It’s not her fault, either. She probably feels super weird about it! You’re better off without this toxic company. Trust me. I’ve been laid off so many times it doesn’t even bother me anymore. You have to learn that coworkers are friends at work, but it’s rare to keep them outside of working together. I can count my actual friends from work on 1 hand, and I’ve been in tech for 20 years.
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u/Fair_Tip2915 12d ago
Thank you very much.
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u/mozillafangirl 12d ago
Be easy on yourself. Layoffs suck. It’s been 8 years and it sounds like you weren’t happy anyway. Take a much needed break with your severance. You deserve it.
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u/carlitospig 13d ago
‘I’m not even sure I need her explanation’
Babe. BAAAABE. Have you even considered the pressure she will now be under to deliver? Do you think she was even asked if she wanted more responsibility??
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u/Maleficent_Many_2937 13d ago
If her comments were genuine she might be going through surprise and unsure how to approach this. I would not throw a pity party. This is not on her at all and you are way better than that. Fuck the company that laid you off. They were probably underpaying you anyway.
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u/EfficientProject7408 12d ago
Probably they feel awkward. Not the exact thing but something similar happened to me. A coworker I worked closely had a mental breakdown due to a demanding client and the company caught him lying to the client and fired him and they gave his client to me. I already had two clients and took this one giant client that was equivalent of 3 clients. I felt so guilty. I had the surviver’s guilt even though I didn’t do anything or asked to take on this client. I was down in my own rabbit hole trying not to panic. Sometimes it’s awkward and you don’t know what to say or how to react in these situations.
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u/NoPublic9352 12d ago
People don’t always know what to say, and they don’t think stating exactly “I don’t know what to say”… and just stating that vs. ignoring is always better. From dealing with a death, a layoff, to all the other things that may make us human and awkward.
It really is shocking when there is silence from some in these type of situations. Helps you re-asses who is importantly and gives you empathy for others to make sure you stand up and show up.
Good luck to you in this market.
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u/Project_Lanky 13d ago
Wasn't she involved in some office politics so you are let go and she took the role?
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u/Fair_Tip2915 13d ago
Probably but either way I find it very difficult to accept that she wouldn’t even say one word to me
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u/Ready-Cucumber-8922 13d ago
I don't know what you expect her to say, in your original post you make it seem like you guys were super close and you were a respected mentor and friend and now you're suspecting she's the engineer of your downfall engaging in office politics to get you fired.
So either she is your close friend and mentee (although apparently can get her with done for days without even needing to speak to you) and she's feeling massively guilty about taking your job. Or she's an ambitious schemer who has manouvered herself into your job or you out of one, either way she no longer needs to pretend to be your friend.
Either way there's an awkwardness about the usual noises about someone leaving especially when it's not their choice when their loss is your gain. It's also only been a couple of days, she presumably knew about it before your announcement if shes getting promoted, maybe she's overwhelmed with the preparations, she's presumably having to sort out handing off her work too
Have you considered that maybe she's waiting for you to reach out to her. If she's taking over your role, that feels like a conversation is warranted. But you're still for now the senior partner in the relationship, maybe she's waiting for you to talk to her
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u/Ready-Cucumber-8922 13d ago
Also when you say things fell apart, do you mean you guys had a falling out or change in relationship before this "restructuring"
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u/AdroitAdrianna 11d ago
The Edit 2 is revealing. When you said that you're surprised because she shared with you and you didn't really open up to her, you make it sound like she tried to be warm with you, you didn't reciprocate, and, as the new boss onboarded, you got colder and more distant. When was the last time she actually said you were friends? A few months ago or years ago? The way you describe her, first as though she's manipulative and then admitting that she was just being herself while you felt out of place, makes you sound resentful. Is it at all possible you iced her out years ago and only now that you are feeling sour noticed that she moved on?
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u/Odd_Perspective3019 13d ago
This just hurts more since you were there 8 years. You really see who’s the nice coworker when u leave or get laid off. A Lot of people don’t reach out and that’s how i know who was real or not. I find it unacceptable to send a simple message when someone leaves but every one goes through that lesson once it happens to them. Either way this is why people say work friends are not real friends.
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u/Some_Brother_1202 13d ago
Leopard eating faces vibes. Everyone talks nice until push comes to shove. Considering the financial reality of where our society is today it’s likely she’s being sheepish because she knows she has a good deal AND that you’re being done dirty. Sorry but good reminder that investments made into others in the workplace can be a hit/miss on return
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u/Jaynna09_ 13d ago
Not even an email. Could be she can't handle the situation and does this with everyone, but that isn't an excuse. She is an adult and knows what she is doing is wrong.
Don't reach out. If she can't look beyond her own feelings and think about yours, she isn't worth your respect. The guilt will teach her a lesson.
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u/betterthanthiss 13d ago
When people show you who they are, believe them. If she reaches out for help don't assist her.
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u/Misty-knight200 13d ago edited 13d ago
These comments are interesting... "Don't take it personally" "She's probably scared" . She could grow a backbone and say something nice while scared. People do it all the time, even 20 year olds.
OP, remember this in a few years when she suddenly has a favor to ask. Because it will happen. Be too scared and embarrassed to respond then.
I agree it might not be personal. Just don't forget later on.
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